Can a married man and woman go to lunch together?

[Isla248]

Hi Ladies!

Before anyone jumps down my throat - I am a married woman who has no intention whatsoever to cheat. Let’s get that bit out of the way...I click well with guys more than girls. Me and this guy started a new job at the same time and we’re trained together. Naturally we connected, he started messaging on email and sometimes we have mini random convos. I’m quite out there and he’s more quiet and laidback. We’ve been to two lunches recently. One was after joint work we did together and the other, I spontaneously asked if he was free and he met me in a public cafe. We were there for no longer than an hour, talked about work, his pregnant wife and he is curious about my husband and has asked multiple questions about him since we’ve talked.

He doesn’t flirt or talk badly about his wife, just a normal human connection and with home-working, it’s nice to see other co-workers (I do this with other colleagues too but he is the only guy in the team).

I had a heated discussion with my married friends and they think the situation is all wrong. I was confident in defending myself but is there something I’m missing? Am I truly misleading this person or sending the wrong signal? I thought I’d get a different opinion because I don’t want to fall out with anyone or get into a pickle. I’m just being my total self here!

[quote goawayalcg]@idontlikealdi worried after reading this thread! [/quote]
Assuming your oh hasn't just cheated on you, that you haven't sought out a man in particular for a connection and then only gone for lunch with him, then you're probably alright

@EmbarrassingAdmissions

I click well with guys more than girls

I'd have thought nothing of it were it not for this phrase and others from the OP .

That jumped straight out at me as well!

The world is in serious trouble if two humans can’t have lunch together. So essentially, some pp are saying that all men fancy all women and vice versa? That every single married man and woman have ill and seductive intent towards ANYONE else who is married??
Give me a break. I could care less if my Dh went to lunch with a female
Colleague. It’s impossible that he would avoid every person of the opposite sex, forever and ever amen because he’s married. Just so outrageously stupid and ridiculous nonsense from a few jealous and possibly controlling partners/husbands/wives.
Have lunch with whoever you want.

I’m always suspicious of women who say they get on better with men than women.

Does your husband know you’ve been seeing this man for lunches/coffees. If the answer is no, then there’s your answer as to whether it’s shady. It certainly sounds shady. The flirting will come later. I think you’re being very naive.

With these threads I always think that if you are thinking about it there is a 'niggle' there in some way. I am single and have several male married friends that I would think nothing of going out for lunch with and neither would their wives/ my partner when I wasn't single but there's one and I always think 'is this OK?' and I can tell his wife does too, so I have binned it off- there is just 'something there' it's not obvious, we wouldn't act on it but we clearly have a different energy about it. I think if it is a little bit of friction- there's normally a reason

@ThanksIGotItInMorrisons

The world is in serious trouble if two humans can’t have lunch together. So essentially, some pp are saying that all men fancy all women and vice versa? That every single married man and woman have ill and seductive intent towards ANYONE else who is married?? Give me a break. I could care less if my Dh went to lunch with a female Colleague. It’s impossible that he would avoid every person of the opposite sex, forever and ever amen because he’s married. Just so outrageously stupid and ridiculous nonsense from a few jealous and possibly controlling partners/husbands/wives. Have lunch with whoever you want.

No, that's categorically not what people are saying.

I've posted just on the page before this one, clarifying the exact reasons why this specific scenario is potentially something I wouldn't do.

Do people ever read threads anymore before they wade in with shouty rants 🤔? I like a rant myself, but at least I read first 🤷‍♀️

I work in a creative industry where work lunches are still very much a thing and (out of lockdown) I often have 2-3 lunches a week alone with married men, some of whom have become friends as well as colleagues/contacts. We have interesting, stimulating conversations and a laugh and a gossip. On occasion, there's a frisson. We also talk about our spouses and families. It's essentially work, so my meetings/diary are none of my DH's business, but if he asks who I've seen I'll tell him and if I've got some particularly good gossip from the lunch I will share it with him. If you feel like you're hiding something exciting, or that things might have dodgy potential, that's a different matter. I can understand not wanting to have to justify yourself to your DH but only you know if there's a line where you might cross into 'protesteth too much' territory.

I often go out to lunch with male colleagues if we are working in the office that day or whatnot. Also I regularly go out with old male friends without my DH or their DW/OH.

Why not? I'd be happy if my DH did the same. I wouldn't expect him to give up old friendships because he was married or not socialise with work colleagues.

@ScumbagDave

Do people ever read threads anymore before they wade in with shouty rants 🤔? I like a rant myself, but at least I read first

I think you're looking at comments from people who have read your posts and don't agree with you. You seem to be making the mistake of thinking that if people would just read your posts, they'd realise how right you are.

I’m not attracted to him, I’m just very lonely and need a friend

This stood out to me OP, I think you should re-evaluate your relationship.

@applechips

I’m not attracted to him, I’m just very lonely and need a friend

This stood out to me OP, I think you should re-evaluate your relationship.

Why? All of us have all our friends so that we don't get lonely. Given that it is specifically stated here that this friendship isn't to do with physically attraction, what part of it do you think needs re-evaluating?

[quote TheFoundations]@ScumbagDave

Do people ever read threads anymore before they wade in with shouty rants 🤔? I like a rant myself, but at least I read first

I think you're looking at comments from people who have read your posts and don't agree with you. You seem to be making the mistake of thinking that if people would just read your posts, they'd realise how right you are.[/quote]
No, I don't think that's true actually.

The poster I quoted was saying (paraphrasing, I hope I've got the gist of it right?) "what is the world coming to when everyone assumes every man and woman who go out for lunch have a romantic interest in each other"?

She actually said "so essentially, some pp are saying that all men fancy all woman and vice versa"?

But...that isn't at all what people have been saying is it? They've been saying men and women absolutely can go out for lunch and dinner and drinks and be friends, but according to some people, including me, this specific set of circumstances is on potentially shakier ground. If you disagree with that, that's of course, fine.

But to say I or anyone else on here thinks that nobody is allowed to go out ever with a member of the opposite sex because we think we live in Gilead / we are all jealous and controlling / we think men and women will always end up in bed together as soon as they have lunch / whatever else, is simply inaccurate.

I mean, I know you think this is a gotcha you've managed to get over on me with your "you think if people read your posts they'd realise how right you are", and I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'm perfectly happy to discuss this one even if people disagree with me entirely.

The issue I didn't think needed a long discussion on here earlier in the thread was a derail and separate to what the question the op asked in the first place, which is why I did try to shut that conversation down a bit. But if someone wants to start a thread about why they prefer the company of men as friends, I'd be happy to discuss it on there.

Oh my goodness, I do this all the time! What kind of Victorian thinks this is a problem?! Do you really only have same-gender friends 😂

I mean, I know you think this is a gotcha you've managed to get over on me with your "you think if people read your posts they'd realise how right you are", and I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'm perfectly happy to discuss this one even if people disagree with me entirely

@HandScreen

Oh my goodness, I do this all the time! What kind of Victorian thinks this is a problem?! Do you really only have same-gender friends 😂

Can't speak for anyone else, but that's exactly the opposite of what I've been saying. I have mentioned about fifty times already that my best friend is a man, but also that I think I (probably) wouldn't be 100% comfortable doing what op is doing.

@TheFoundations

it's really, really sad if two people can't go out for a meal together without people dragging sexual attraction into it.

It can be a danger, you need to be aware and back off if easy companionship starts getting sparkles around the edge, but if it remains a non-sexual friendship then it would be a waste and a shame to dump a friendship because other people can't cope with the idea that male and females can have friendships.

About the getting on better with men thing - in the UK I got on better with men, most of my friends were male. Now I'm in another country with a slightly different culture and all apart from one of my friends are female. Sometimes it's a matter of the click.

I also don't think they can't go out for lunch together, but if it were me and assuming I really wanted to stay married to the guy who cheated on me, I'd be wary and examine why it is that it needs to be a man I want to make this sort of deep connection with (op's words, not mine). But ultimately, if op and her DP think it's fine then that's entirely up to them.

But I think waving your hand and saying "bah Victorians, Gilead, controlling" is actually not giving enough thought to it.

And I've managed to navigate close friendships with men (and women) without ever having trust issues with my DH, BECAUSE I give it thought. If anything isn't quite right, I'll know about it because I've taken the trouble to think about it. I assume DH does the same and he's certainly said he's had a few situations at work where he's felt off about something and tried to avoid that situation again. But I'm not his keeper, so that's up to him.

But assuming op really wants to stay married and is posting for advice, I thought it was worth more discussion than "oh shut up prudes! What are we? Victorians? Lol face, grin emoji yada yada"

I'd be wary and examine why it is that it needs to be a man I want to make this sort of deep connection with

Because she gets on with this guy, without being attracted to him. This is standard for making friends. Her friend seems to think there's an ulterior motive, and you seem to think it's worth hunting about for one, too. Why the suspicion?

All those who are saying that they always challenge prejudice are being somewhat hypocritical if they are not challenging the rampant misandry in some of these comments (and misandry is a thing and is prejudice, just the same as misogyny is).

It is interesting that, in schools, many girls think of boys as 'lazy' and 'smelly' and would far rather cowork with other girls than with a boy.

I also post a link below to an article in the Times showing how poorly boys, and especially working class white boys, are performing in schools.

The idea that society will make progress by making it into a 'war of the sexes' is antithetical to the way I think and the way I was brought up. I have worked for fabulous bosses of both sexes and awful bullying men and women. I have also fabulous friendships with both sexes, which have lasted over 30 years.

People are sui generis and 'NAMALT' is just an excuse for prejudice and lazy thinking.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/men-fall-behind-women-and-thats-a-problem-vmrl9mcmd

Oops-wrong thread-apologies!

As you were

I don't think you would be asking if there was no underlying intent somewhere tbh, even if you can't spot it yet. Most people manage their friendships without looking for validation.

@TheReluctantPhoenix

Oops-wrong thread-apologies!

As you were

Very well written, though!

@Fluffypastelslippers

I don't think you would be asking if there was no underlying intent somewhere tbh, even if you can't spot it yet. Most people manage their friendships without looking for validation.

Friendship is all about validation. Friends are people who we can talk to about things that matter to us, and be understood. A friend who doesn't validate you doesn't (or shouldn't) be a friend for long.

It's obviously not a 100% thing, and it's not 100% your source of validation, but if you think friendship and validation are usually mostly mutually exclusive, I wonder what emotional experiences your friendships bring to you.

@TheFoundations

I'd be wary and examine why it is that it needs to be a man I want to make this sort of deep connection with

Because she gets on with this guy, without being attracted to him. This is standard for making friends. Her friend seems to think there's an ulterior motive, and you seem to think it's worth hunting about for one, too. Why the suspicion?

Because she is asking, so it's worth considering the possibility? I'm not suspicious as I've never met op and would I comment if a random woman was having lunch with a male colleague? Absolutely not! But in these specific circumstances, where both parties are at vulnerable stages in their relationships, where op has said she is very lonely and prefers the company of men more...all in all, I'd say it's worth considering that it could be more than friendship she is really seeking. And I can't blame her if it is tbh! Being cheated on can be hugely traumatic and I think she probably needs help with her marriage (even if it's ending it). A new make friend at the moment COULD (not will) muddy the waters for her a little. So I advise caution is all.