Dating thread 214 - the no rules one!

[BelladiMamma]

Here are the only rules what matter!

As for anything else OLD not listed here - make your own ❤️

I don't have mates in the performance arts, though I'm looking forward to "first post-lockdown opera visit" at some point!

But I imagine with the situation for the last few years, they're being "uber-focussed" on work now as there have been lots of cuts and issues so everyone needs to "lean in" a bit now?

It's a bit like me doing applications last year and even "settling in" now into a dream career path

Even if I met someone who was clearly way out of my league, and perfect to the power of perfect, there's no way I'd compromise my work schedule to arrange dates and I guess anyone dating me would have to understand my mind was elsewhere a lot of the time?

On WhatsApp there's a microphone icon and you press it and record a voice note

Oh, sorry, because you were replying to someone asking if an iron trying to move her to WA was a red flag when she doesn't want to I thought you meant outside of WA.

I've still never done it (on purpose.....) but I know how in WA.

I moved MrStone to WA without even asking him because I prefer it to text! But I guess as soon as I added him I could see his photo so knew he had it.
The guy in the question is just being lazy I guess. But some seem to prefer WA as then they can ask for and send photos and shit memes!

@BelladiMamma, has his show opened yet ? if it's dress or tech days or if they haven't had both press night and opening night then he's probably still very immersed in that. He may not feel able to commit to saying when he will meet you again because part and parcel of being an actor is the networking and schmoozing you need to do of anyone influential around the production.( I am not wildly projecting here but personal experience) I trained as an actress many years ago and theatre/actors have been an integral part of my life since my teenage years.

[quote Onesmallstep67]@BelladiMamma, has his show opened yet ? if it's dress or tech days or if they haven't had both press night and opening night then he's probably still very immersed in that. He may not feel able to commit to saying when he will meet you again because part and parcel of being an actor is the networking and schmoozing you need to do of anyone influential around the production.( I am not wildly projecting here but personal experience) I trained as an actress many years ago and theatre/actors have been an integral part of my life since my teenage years.[/quote]
Yup this is exactly where he's at. He was completely buzzing the morning after I spent the night as the director had sent notes and he was being super polite and - swoon - holding my hand all morning as we swanned around London but his head was already back at the tech rehearsal

He's also said that as soon as he gets a longer break he's going back to see his kids, and it would be a red flag if he wasn't.

It's just that he's just my kind of guy in terms of interests and looks and general fabulousness and I'm super excited 😆 so need to come here and emote with you all 😂

I spent two years trying to be an actress and like you have friends and family in the business. I'm allowing my excitement about him to overlook all the stuff he's got on his plate. Aaaargh though. Aaargh.

@VanGoghsDog

On WhatsApp there's a microphone icon and you press it and record a voice note

Oh, sorry, because you were replying to someone asking if an iron trying to move her to WA was a red flag when she doesn't want to I thought you meant outside of WA.

I've still never done it (on purpose.....) but I know how in WA.

I moved MrStone to WA without even asking him because I prefer it to text! But I guess as soon as I added him I could see his photo so knew he had it.
The guy in the question is just being lazy I guess. But some seem to prefer WA as then they can ask for and send photos and shit memes!

Aha. I use the term inter changeably now for voice mail and voice message and voice note

Sorry for confusion @SpringlikeBunk

@BelladiMamma and @VanGoghsDog

Thanks guys the plan is I'll just leave it now and not even respond to anything mentioning "WhatsApp" from him.

Let the contact pan out how it will, as I seem to have a few "interests" on the go anyway. So if a good date zero comes up with this one I'll take but not fuss over it.

Text really does "slow things down" which I like

I find with "WhatsApp" guys often push quickly and try for last minute meets which I'm not so keen on right now? I'd rather we set a day/evening in advance and stick to it.

@BelladiMamma yeah thats probably good advice! Well the guy from last night has not replied yet will see if he surfaces later but not holding out much hope. I am sorely tempted to just put this whole dating lark on hold til after winter.

@Sugaspunsista

Wont stop*

@Sugaspunsista if it's any consolation I've had both ends of the spectrum too.

Mr Long Distance drove me mad by whatsapping me several times a day. Then there were quite a few others who let days lapse between messages. It's annoying

@SpringlikeBunk

Red flag? The dashing captain has asked if I’m on WhatsApp a couple of times and texted me a link to WhatsApp.

I’m just ignoring it tbh he can text or not text, but think it’s a bit rude/patronising suggesting another means of communication to a virtual stranger.

Maybe I’ll suggest he downloads Bible Verse Of The Day or something as we’re clearly on those terms now

@SpringlikeBunk this wouldn't be a red flag for me. Maybe an amber one. I'd be checking my boundaries though, no means no and all that. Moving chats to whatsapp is OK with me - I'll still delete and block them if they start being inappropriate or weird.

Having said all that, if someone starts trying to get me to do something I've already said I don't want me to do it usually gives me the ick.

@BelladiMamma

Ok lovely threaders. Help me get some balance here.

So, normally after I've slept with someone they call me or message me and tell me what an amazing time they had and started sending suggestions when to see me again. I get letters, flowers, loads of texts and phone calls. Basically I very frequently get love bombed. They're usually obsessed with me fairly quickly. And I don't really enjoy it but it's been a pattern for a while and I have kind of got used to it being 'helps me know where I stand' but I recognise it for what it is. Eg unhealthy and unhelpful behaviour that will push me away if it doesn't stop.

I'm getting nice chat from MrActor but nothing about following up or anything really very personal to us or to me.

It's actually really thrown me. I'm assuming he's not interested. He's busy, he must have a lot of offers. But I don't know how to behave in this situation as it's been so long. Well MrScot my ex colleague from way back pretty much ghosted me after we'd started sleeping together. He'd come on really strong beforehand but then turned the tap off. The sex was truly crap though

I'm busy today so maybe I just sit with the feelings and let a day go by without contact? He's really busy. I haven't been that busy at work like him in years so maybe I've forgotten ...?

@BelladiMamma I think sitting with your feelings on this and also just allowing things to progress (or not!) is a good idea.

My ex-husband totally love bombed me when we started our relationship. We were talking about moving in together a couple of weeks after we met and I should have seen it as the red flag it was. But yes, so easy to get sucked in. But the love bombing is all about how they feel and not really connected to you at all, for example I subsequently found out he'd used the same tactics with his ex...!

You had a great night, great sex and met someone you really liked. It's inevitable that you would want to repeat that, who wouldn't?

I would keep things light and friendly, match his comms level and enjoy finding out a bit more about him so you can decide if he's worthy of your very precious time and attention. Like you, I have very little child free time and only want to spend that wisely. That way you can also get a sense of how busy he actually is and make your move from there? At the moment you don't know that much about him apart from you have a spark.

@Languidleopard

Thanks for that - I've struggled a bit with "pushy" guys which led to dating burn-out so am trying to improve my "sensor" for them early on!

I'm trying to migrate the irons to text or phone call as I think the WhatsApp format is too conducive to "fake chat intimacy and pushiness".

And although it's quite fun to use for -say- work group chats (some cracking and funny discussions got me through lockdown loneliness!) I REALLY don't think my life is enhanced by getting/sending random photos and memes from virtual strangers? Plus the risk of guys asking for "more photos"

If someone is new to me I think it's healthier to be a little bit guarded and not spend ages a day building up fast chat intimacy.

Anyway my new little khaki friend is texting now so ignoring the asks seems to have worked fine.

Plus the risk of guys asking for "more photos

At least it weeds them out!

I hate using text now but agree ref the memes. Especially if they have that bit at the top that says "forwarded several times" 🙄 not even something they think I would specifically like!

@VanGoghsDog

I just don't like having to feel I have my phone in my hand all the time and also just seems a very "low-investment" way of building intimacy?

Like I've noticed a lot of "last-minute" dudes tend to favour WhatsApp as they can message quickly, and it's like they don't have to "invest time" in a call.

Whereas with clunky texts if they know there's always some delay on contact then there's more motivation to arrange a decent plan in advance, and stick to it.

Completely random question and I hope to get some replies as I'm curious if this question has come up: how many men have expressed a desire to have a family? And not some vague answer "sometime in the [nebulous] future"...

When I used to date and this question was important and relevant to me and my situation, I used to get really fed up by the amount of men who were ambiguous/indifferent (although on their profile they had stated that they were interested in having children)...

I have since gone down the sperm donor route as it was just too depressing/exhausting...

@anthurium I’m not looking to start a family but have found some men who put ‘want in the future’ on their Bumble app then tell me it’s not a problem/not a dealbreaker if I mention that I don’t want any more children.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@VanGoghsDog

I just don't like having to feel I have my phone in my hand all the time and also just seems a very "low-investment" way of building intimacy?

Like I've noticed a lot of "last-minute" dudes tend to favour WhatsApp as they can message quickly, and it's like they don't have to "invest time" in a call.

Whereas with clunky texts if they know there's always some delay on contact then there's more motivation to arrange a decent plan in advance, and stick to it.[/quote]
I suppose having it on a different phone helps not to stumble across their ramblings while trying to remind your mum not to watch Squid Game!

I hate phone calls though, I'd freak if someone I'd never met phoned me. I'm not that keen on people I know phoning me.

Mind you, I just called MrWG and got a text auto thing saying he'd call me later. Good luck mate, I'm busy til seven!

@anthurium

Not sure if this is helpful (very childfree by choice here) but my observation would be to "start with getting to know guys, building attraction and connection" then see what happens?

I don't mean spend six months in a steady exclusive relationship without raising the topic, but hold back for a few dates then see?

I think guys often are on the fence but might change for the right woman/profile?

Agree with @Stayingstrongish to basically discount the box where it says about wanting children.

@VanGoghsDog

I think I might try to move this iron to a quick phone call - he's sending fairly dull monotonic texts (he's clearly not a wordy wanker like me, so this isn't a "no" just a difference in writing style).

I've actively not pursued anyone on apps who say they want children but had been wondering if that's something men put because they think that that what women want. I even have debating doing the paid bumble so I can filter out more. Children are an absolute no for me and it's really hard to find men who also don't want children (or men interested in me for more than 2 dates )

@Dazedandconfused10 in the age range I’m looking at (late 30s-40s) I find quite a lot on Bumble say they don’t want children, or have them and don’t want any more.

Nice lunch with MrItaly. I'm sure he was hoping for more but didn't really come up as my house was like Piccadilly Circus with various people coming and going eg delivery, gardener, window cleaner ... so we went to the pub and chatted for ages, like old friends. He's still in the thick of it with his divorce and won't have his own place in the U.K. for at least a year or so.

So we are back where we started, and the reasons for not pursuing anything romantic remain the same ...

@Dazedandconfused10 I don't swipe on the people that say they want children. I usually prefer to date people who already have kids.

A few men I've dated say they're not looking to have more children so presumably they're not lying either on their bio or in real life.

I'm looking at 35-40 and they are open to kids or want them! Or already have them, which also takes them out the equation. Maybe I'm being too particular.

@Dazedandconfused10

I'm looking at 35-40 and they are open to kids or want them! Or already have them, which also takes them out the equation. Maybe I'm being too particular.

You could just have a generic 'is this a deal breaker' message when you open chats? My generic opener is 'I'm single, just checking you are too?' Or 'I'm looking for a connection and emotional intimacy'. I say it because it's the truth and it sets expectations early on.

You'd be surprised how many fess up where they wouldn't have put that on their profiles (I'm talking FAB or Feeld here).