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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
Briony123 · 29/09/2021 07:18

I'm always amazed at how much people, who say they are struggling, blow on birthdays just to "feel special". He has very quickly been sensible and moved into "cut your cloth" mode. I'd have preferred the cash and a walk in the park too.

expatmigrant · 29/09/2021 07:19

Personally I wouldn't be too harsh on him. Yes, it wasn't very nice to throw the treats back in your face like that.
However, even if he can cover his bills, he is probably down about his present situation and maybe you need to talk to him about how he's really coping and encourage him to look for another job to get back to what he's used to. You say yourself that he is a kind and thoughtful boyfriend.
Many years ago when DH and I were skint because we were both students and paying a mortgage at the same time, he bought me roses for our anniversary. I became really upset because what I really wanted was something new to wear. I felt like hitting him over the head with them...36 years later, still going strong and laugh about it now.

Show him you understand. Be kind.

Beautiful3 · 29/09/2021 07:20

Wow very grabby and ungrateful. You weren't going to give him 250 though, it was 200, with a few bits on the day?! I would reply stating that. So he just wanted extra cash, obviously he didn't think the 200 was enough from you. Dont think there's any going back from this.

DressBitch · 29/09/2021 07:20

How did his comment even come about?

Bellringer · 29/09/2021 07:21

He's fed up, give him a break. Tell him he's rude when you see him. Hope he finds work soon

Wife2b · 29/09/2021 07:21

Jeez it’s no wonder so many people don’t stay together when everyone up in arms over one stupid comment. OP what he said was insensitive, definitely ungrateful and I’m not sure what he was hoping to achieve by saying that. However you’ve said he is usually a good partner, treats you etc and you’ve also mentioned he has moved away from family and friends, lost his job and is really struggling. Personally I’d tell him how much his comment has hurt you and that you’re not sure what he was hoping to achieve but I’d let it go, he has a lot on his plate right now so I’d give him a break.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/09/2021 07:23

@Katy4321

Wait to talk to him, text is not a good way to communicate and perhaps it didn't come across as he meant it to. I'm a person that doesn't really like a lot of gifts - and wouldn't be keen on plastic balloons and stuff like that, as to me it is single use plastic waste. The meal and the money for something he particularly wants is a lovely thing to do, but maybe he is just uncomfortable. That he has messaged you, even if came across badly, is perhaps a good thing, as being able to communicate with each other is so important. At least talk to him in person and hopefully both of you understand where the other is coming from.
If you felt someone had wasted money on something you didn't like, would you gently tell them to save their money next time or tell them next time they should just give you cash instead?
Theunamedcat · 29/09/2021 07:24

I would ask what he was hoping to achieve by this message because its deliberately upsetting on no level can it be construed as nice it sounds like he resents you for being able to splash cash on him

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 07:27

it sounds like he resents you for being able to splash cash on him

This sounds likely, and is a red flag if so.

CorianderAndCream · 29/09/2021 07:27

'Well, while I sympathise and understand you're struggling I bought those to celebrate your birthday. I'm not a parent giving her teenager cash instead'.

MattyGroves · 29/09/2021 07:30

@Wife2b

Jeez it’s no wonder so many people don’t stay together when everyone up in arms over one stupid comment. OP what he said was insensitive, definitely ungrateful and I’m not sure what he was hoping to achieve by saying that. However you’ve said he is usually a good partner, treats you etc and you’ve also mentioned he has moved away from family and friends, lost his job and is really struggling. Personally I’d tell him how much his comment has hurt you and that you’re not sure what he was hoping to achieve but I’d let it go, he has a lot on his plate right now so I’d give him a break.
I have been with my DH for 20 years, he has never said anything like this. I don't tolerate this kind of thing.
accentdusoleil · 29/09/2021 07:31

Sounds like he's in a desperate financial situation and he is worried / stressed about money.

Is he really struggling ?

Gilly12345 · 29/09/2021 07:31

He is very rude, unthoughtful and ungrateful and I would tell him so.

Every thing sounds like the money with this bloke.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 29/09/2021 07:32

@Disapoint

No he just said rather than the extra bits he would of rather had the cash
I think it's a reasonable for him to be honest. If this is a long term relationship, you're going to be buying gifts for each other for a very long time. If he wasn't keen on the present but wasn't honest about it, he runs the risk of getting similar in future. Telling you is kinder than you continuing to waste money on presents he's not that keen on.

I can't imagine many adults would prefer balloons and banners to cash/vouchers. And the cupcake thing - if he doesn't like cakes, this wasn't a great present. Did you actually think about what he'd like when you bought the stuff?

GreyCarpet · 29/09/2021 07:32

I sounds to me that he's struggling with his financial situation mentally if not literally and feels guilty about a birthday indulgence.

When you're worried like this being treated for your birthday doesn't always feel like a treat it can feel frivolous and wasteful.

Not the effort but the money.

When I was struggling financially when children were younger, I stopped receiving presents. It made me feel utterly anxious to be given something for myself to enjoy when I was struggling to pay the bills. So I requested no presents at all.

I can well understand his feeling tbh.

TempleofZoom · 29/09/2021 07:33

Really grabby and rude.
Essentially he would just rather have the money but Op wouldnt give him an extra £50,she just wouldnt have spent it.

Benjispruce4 · 29/09/2021 07:33

I think that would be a no from me.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 29/09/2021 07:33

If you felt someone had wasted money on something you didn't like, would you gently tell them to save their money next time or tell them next time they should just give you cash instead?

This is a very fair point though. He should have just said that she shouldn't spend on that stuff in future. He could have been a lot more gentle about it.

Droite · 29/09/2021 07:36

What a pointless, nasty thing to say. It's not as if you can magic the money back. Ask him what on earth he thinks his text was going to achieve besides making you feel awful.

2catsandhappy · 29/09/2021 07:36

So he is usualy financially secure and generous. Temporarily hard up and now acting weird and rude. Did he send the text in the early hours or did you just happen to awaken at that time to find it?

I wouldn't be too quick to bin off after one rude thoughtless text. He is thinking practical and stressing about money. Perhaps he had been drinking the alcohol you bought him.
Yes, a horrible text to get but give him a chance to redeem himself.

GoodnightGrandma · 29/09/2021 07:37

He really needs to go. Imagine what he’d be like if you lived together 🥴

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/09/2021 07:37

Spiindoctor

I hate the banners, balloons, sickly cake stuff for birthdays.
So overpriced too.“

Me too. If I were really struggling financially and missing distant family too, which my partner was aware of, the waste would upset me.

Spiindoctor · 29/09/2021 07:38

I don't think it would upset me. But I would say something before the next birthday.

Brian9600 · 29/09/2021 07:41

A rude and pointless thing to say, given the money was already spent. However, money worries can really affect people and this may be the case here, especially if he wasn’t like this before he lost his job. I also wonder whether he’d had a drink.

In your shoes I’d mention how you felt and talk to him about whether he’s really struggling and what might help. I definitely wouldn’t overreact to one text if it’s not how he normally behaves.

GoWalkabout · 29/09/2021 07:41

OP, is it at all possible that the previous 'treating' you was an investment in becoming a cocklodger? Even if he is otherwise amazing, I think the rudeness of this text is a deal breaker. What will you do?