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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 29/09/2021 04:53

I'd be tempted to reply

"Sorry it wasn't what you wanted. Please return the cash and we will say no more about it"

Give him time to return the cash then dump his sorry self.

Maybe I'd wait til the day time, to see whether I still felt the same way. Don't see how to come back from this.

SilveredPinkPetal · 29/09/2021 04:53

Don’t do anything rash. My husband hates fuss, and would say the same.
In fact probably has said the same.
Don’t break up, over someone’s throw away comment, as some posters have advised.
You’ve said he’s been thoughtful and generous to you in the past.
His current circumstances have changed, and it’s not easy.
Give him a break.

Longsight2019 · 29/09/2021 04:54

This is someone who doesn’t value lovely gestures from decent people. He doesn’t deserve what you gave him.

Make this an issue and move on.

Askingforfriend · 29/09/2021 04:54

"so you would rather have money than celebrating with me and appreciating the thought and love I put into that? That instead of enjoying the effort I had made you'd rather I'd have not bothered?"

Well, that's fine, here's fifty quid, I hope the two of you will be happy"

SueblueNZ · 29/09/2021 04:57

I like the wording in @Askingforfriend's first paragraph. Don't give the ungrateful sod any more money.

timeisnotaline · 29/09/2021 04:57

I’d be hurt, but I’d want to understand the finance related stress levels driving it. As you say he’s been generous in the past, this seems out of character and he might be really struggling. I certainly wouldn’t jump to dumping him.’

isthismylifenow · 29/09/2021 04:57

So he wanted money over spending time with you?

Think you have your answer there.

timeisnotaline · 29/09/2021 04:59

@isthismylifenow he definitely hasn’t said he didn’t want to spend time with the op. You can spend time without banners and cupcakes and takeaway and alcohol, so that’s a really big leap.

Porridgealert · 29/09/2021 05:01

Rude. Very rude.
One of those thoughts you should keep in your head.
But I wouldn't finish over it! At least he's been open with you. I'm sure he enjoyed the day but had some money stress thoughts when he got home and sent that.
But if normally everything is good, it's definitely not a dumping situation.

IndecentCakes · 29/09/2021 05:05

I think you know him so you can probably analyse the situation better. I do think it's possible he might be embarrassed or worried about money. I'd tell him he was being a dick about it, but also try to talk about things with him.

Dita73 · 29/09/2021 05:10

Reply saying “I’m sorry you feel that way but don’t worry because it will never happen again. Get lost you ungrateful shit”

Dillydollydingdong · 29/09/2021 05:17

You spent a lot of money on his birthday, much more than I would spend. He's a very lucky man. Just say you hadn't realised he's such a moneygrabber and you'll expect cash when it's your birthday (not that you'll still be together anyway).

IrishMel · 29/09/2021 05:19

That is very ungrateful as it is not just the money that you spent on all the goodies to cheer him up but the time and effort. I would tell him straight out that you are very disappointed in his text. Has he got a gambling problem or something. Ungrateful git. take a few days to think through if you want to keep on seeing him as seems like a red flat to be honest. Has he done anything special for your birthday.

Billybagpuss · 29/09/2021 05:21

@SilveredPinkPetal

Don’t do anything rash. My husband hates fuss, and would say the same. In fact probably has said the same. Don’t break up, over someone’s throw away comment, as some posters have advised. You’ve said he’s been thoughtful and generous to you in the past. His current circumstances have changed, and it’s not easy. Give him a break.
The difference here is, you’re married, have history and a life built up. This is first birthday op has spent with him, effort is expected, I doubt your DH did it year 1.

There is also a big difference between saying to someone before the event in a loving manner not to go to any bother, but op has received a text after the event pretty much throwing her effort back in her face.

Goatinthegarden · 29/09/2021 05:23

If he has been generous to you in the past, I’d be inclined to be a bit patient with him and look into this a bit further. It sounds like he’s found himself in a stressful financial situation and has communicated this badly to you.

I’ve been in a relationship before where I was struggling financially and my partner (who I didn’t live with) wasn’t, and although I didn’t say anything to him, I remember seeing him spending money on things I didn’t want or need and quietly wishing I just had the spare cash he had spent to pay my bills instead.

Tellmewhat · 29/09/2021 05:26

That’s rude. Even if he secretly thought it he didn’t have to say it.

SpiceWeaselBAM · 29/09/2021 05:30

I agree with @Goatinthegarden.

It was very rude but perhaps he felt safe enough to be honest? Balance it out with his better good qualities and try to have a calm talk about it with him before going in guns blazing.

If he has form for being rude and ungrateful then I can see this would be the last straw.

WarriorN · 29/09/2021 05:36

Agree with goat and spice.

Give him the benefit if the doubt.

My sister struggles with money and doesn't see the point of "stuff." It's when the lack of money and worries about future and pension etc gets her down.

Wallywobbles · 29/09/2021 05:42

I'd reply with "what did you want the outcome of your text to be?"

Elbie79 · 29/09/2021 05:42

@timeisnotaline

I’d be hurt, but I’d want to understand the finance related stress levels driving it. As you say he’s been generous in the past, this seems out of character and he might be really struggling. I certainly wouldn’t jump to dumping him.’
Yes in your position OP I'd like to know more how he's feeling. Sounds so out of character.

"It must be really hard to have had your finances change as yours have. Happy to talk about the stress it's putting you under so I can understand better - because on the face of it this is quite a hurtful thing to say".

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/09/2021 05:45

Benefit of the doubt? What benefit is there to give here? Even if he thought this, saying it to OP is just horrible and there is no excuse. The fact that he said it clearly indicates he feels entitled to her money - she already gave him £200!!! And he wanted to imply that next time she should give him more!!!!! How is that forgivable?

PurBal · 29/09/2021 05:47

Playing devils advocate, how good is he at communicating? I wonder if this is his way of saying that, at the moment, the treats feel frivolous? DH bought me some (gorgeous) diamond earrings one year when I was out of work and money was tight. It was before shared finances but it was hard accepting them knowing I have other things I needed. Now we have shared finances, communication is better and money is tight again (maternity leave) all our gifts to one another are practical ones.

Joystir59 · 29/09/2021 05:47

Don't dump him. It sounds as if he's really panicking about money and if you care about him perhaps sit with him and try help him workout what's happening with his finances and how he can improve things.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 29/09/2021 05:51

Just watch and wait. He's shown you who he is. Give him a month - see if you still want him.

And when you know you don't, dump his miserable ungrateful, money-grubbing ass.

WarriorN · 29/09/2021 05:51

Grammatically speaking he could mean I'd rather have had the money, not give me another 50 quid.

If there were red flags before, It would be a deal breaker. It sounds like he's been generous and kinds before and now he's struggling, he's panicking