Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
MattyGroves · 29/09/2021 06:41

@Sarahlou63

Balloons, banners and cupcakes?? Wonderful for a 6 year old girl. Not so wonderful for a grown man. I can absolutely see what he meant. The text was awkward but probably less awkward than saying it.
But why does it have to be said? I mean I can see tactfully saying it next year before his next birthday but what does saying it just after this birthday achieve?

Would you normally tell someone that you hate what they gave you for your birthday straightway "no offence but next time I would prefer more cash than this rubbish"

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 29/09/2021 06:43

If this relationship is to have a chance you need to be honest and see how he responds. You know him best if this is worth giving him another chance and if you want to give him another chance. I think something like what PP above said asking what response he expected from his text but also telling him you found it really hurtful.

"When I received your text about your birthday gift and meal I felt really hurt. What outcome did you expect to achieve by sending me that text?"

WaterBottle123 · 29/09/2021 06:44

I'd text his parents and advise them their parenting has failed.

Billybagpuss · 29/09/2021 06:45

Hope you got some sleep, have you answered him?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/09/2021 06:49

@Sarahlou63

Balloons, banners and cupcakes?? Wonderful for a 6 year old girl. Not so wonderful for a grown man. I can absolutely see what he meant. The text was awkward but probably less awkward than saying it.
Football themed cakes, alcohol and takeaway too. Don't shit on a nice thing she did.
olidora63 · 29/09/2021 06:52

OMG …sooo rude and ungrateful!! Run run run ASAP

GOODCAT · 29/09/2021 06:54

Don't give him the benefit of the doubt and don't try to see it as understandable. That was just rude.

If it was a friend or a family member you would be rightly upset and would steer clear of the friend or have it out with the family member. Keep your standards high and don't allow someone to be rude to you. If he feels he can be rude to you when you have done something caring for him, he will feel able to be just as bad or worse at other times. You don't need that in your life. Don't settle for someone like this.

FortunesFave · 29/09/2021 06:54

Text him back and say that 50 was to enable you to celebrate with him...to enjoy a special time together and since he's obviously a wanker who doesn't have any manners, you want your 200 back!

unbelievable!

sonjadog · 29/09/2021 06:55

I reckon he is now thinking he could be onto a good thing here. I reckon that text was aimed at you say "Of course I can send you another 50 if you need it". Don't give him any more money.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2021 06:55

It sounds as if he’s panicking and the gesture seemed frivolous. I can see why you’re really hurt and I would be, but perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt? Maybe go with something very simple and see what he says eg.

“You’ve treated me to nice things when you could afford it. This was my turn to do something nice for you. I wouldn’t have given you more money as £200 really is a lot for me already so please don’t tell me again you would have preferred more money as it is very hurtful.“

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 29/09/2021 06:57

So ungrateful and downright grabby. There's no coming back from this. It's a glimpse into a future that you're not going to enjoy. Ditch him.

gindreams · 29/09/2021 06:58

@Sarahlou63

You sound incredibly rude as well

I suggest the Op discounts your opinion

ajja2021 · 29/09/2021 07:01

Ungrateful man. I'd finish it with him

ajja2021 · 29/09/2021 07:04

@Sarahlou63 not everyone is you though. What the OP did is really thoughtful and most respectful people would've at least appreciated the effort. Very rude

Subbaxeo · 29/09/2021 07:09

I think money worries cause an awful amount of stress so maybe he’s saying things he wouldn’t normally because he’s fretting and worrying about his living. I agree it was rude to say that-may be check with him next time about what he would like. I’d be unimpressed if my dh spent money on balloons and cupcakes for me as they’re not my thing-especially if we struggle to pay the bills.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 29/09/2021 07:10

I agree with @Goatinthegarden too. If he has usually been generous and has fallen on hard times - you did say he's lost his job - maybe he's really struggling financially.

He's moved to be closer to you, away from family and friends and now has no income. He could be feeling really down and clumsily reacted badly to the amount of money you spent on bits and pieces.

Talk to him and find out what's really going on. Is this one blip from a usually generous person worth ending the relationship for? Has it not occurred to you that he could be really struggling right now?

Allwillbefine · 29/09/2021 07:10

That is incredibly rude and there is no excuse for it. He has said it to hurt you on purpose as there is no other point on saying it after the fact. I would end this relationship and move back to where you lived before, leaving him there.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 29/09/2021 07:10

That was so rude.
The money was spent. Telling you that your little treat meant nothing to him and he wishes you'd just given him more cash is not only rude but revealing.

A good person would see £200 plus some goodies and a bit of a celebration as really lovely, thoughtful and generous.

He just saw money as wasted unless given to him in cash form.

He may even be hinting for more of your money tbh. I'd think carefully about whether this is one to throw back in the sea!

Nottheduchess · 29/09/2021 07:10

I can’t get over how rude that was. You were trying to make his birthday special.

Katy4321 · 29/09/2021 07:11

Wait to talk to him, text is not a good way to communicate and perhaps it didn't come across as he meant it to.
I'm a person that doesn't really like a lot of gifts - and wouldn't be keen on plastic balloons and stuff like that, as to me it is single use plastic waste. The meal and the money for something he particularly wants is a lovely thing to do, but maybe he is just uncomfortable. That he has messaged you, even if came across badly, is perhaps a good thing, as being able to communicate with each other is so important.
At least talk to him in person and hopefully both of you understand where the other is coming from.

lurkingattheback · 29/09/2021 07:11

It was a shit thing for him to say but I think it depends on the context a little. A message out the blue =bye bye, a reply to you asking if he likes the cakes etc maybe not soo shitty. Is he this honest/blunt/rude about other things?

Evesgarden · 29/09/2021 07:12

I would hang fire with crucifying him just yet OP.

He might have been sat up, getting him self in to a state worrying about money and sent you that message, not realising (in that moment) how blunt/rude it was.

You have said he has been generous in the past with treating you so on that basis I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

Talk to him about it, a year is a long time to throw away over one comment. Ask him why he sent that message so late and is he in a worse off position than you realise.

My ex mil always asked for money for xmas - then she would disappear for a while on Christmas Day then give out envelopes of cash for every ones gifts... she was effectively giving every one their money back!

Standrewsschool · 29/09/2021 07:13

How ungrateful. Maybe he meant to say that you shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble etc. But to say he would rather have the money is rude! It’s not up to him to decide how you spend his money.

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 07:14

safe enough to be honest

Bollocks. Safe enough to be rude, hurtful and entitled, more like it.

irishoak · 29/09/2021 07:14

So he sat there and ate the takeaway and the cakes and had a drink with you, enjoying the attention and care you'd put into doing something nice for him, and presumably said thank you and was reasonably happy and you had a nice time together. Then decided later that actually, that he was somehow entitled to tell you how he'd prefer you spend your money, i.e. just to hand it over to him?

Fuck this, whatever the reason is for it it's some entitled thinking and will definitely rear it's head again in the future.