Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
sonjadog · 30/09/2021 07:09

I think if there is nothing more that just giving someone money, it isn't a birthday celebration. It is a trip to the bank. Isn't it normal in a relationship that when it's someone's birthday you celebrate it in some way or other? Not just hand over cash and leave. Or if you don't celebrate, then you don't celebrate at all, including not taking cash off someone. And you certainly don't think you should have been given the cash for the celebration you didn't want on top of that.

FuckingFabulous · 30/09/2021 07:13

Have you broken up with him now?

fidgetmad · 30/09/2021 07:20

@BadNomad but he didn't say "thanks so much for the £200. It would've been more than enough, you really didn't have to get me anything else"

What it sounds like he said was "instead of giving me £200 you could actually have given me £250 if you hadn't treated us both to the takeaway that I asked for. Therefore as the £200 could've been £250 it isn't good enough. We could have sat snd had a miserable night together not celebrating my birthday but at least I'd have been even more better off"

Also the fact he could've spent the £200 on essentials and bills but decided to order himself the expensive present with the money suggests he's not as hard up as he claims and didn't actually need the extra £50.

Baconking · 30/09/2021 07:23

@BadNomad

TBH if I was broke I'd rather just have the £200 and not see money "wasted" on faff like banners and balloons. He's an idiot for telling you that though.
It's HER money to waste not his.
SunshineCake1 · 30/09/2021 07:45

@Bookworm20

Wow, I can't believe he texted that and hasn't even actually apologised.

I've been absolutely flat broke before, but if a BF had asked me over for a take away, put some effort in with some cupcakes, a few balloons and banners and made me a couple of cocktails, I'd of been over the moon! Because its something that was effort just to make me feel special, we could both enjoy it and not something I could've afforded to do myself. And thats without a £200 present thrown in!

I think most people would be the same.
What planet is he on? I can't fathom someone preferring £50 over a thoughtful and romantic night with their partner.
Not sure I could come back from that tbh.

Because you weren't of the mindset that your partner's money is yours to use..
HalzTangz · 30/09/2021 07:56

Did he ask though, or was he asked...

What do you want to eat, I can cook or get a takeout?

If he was presented the option in that way then he didn't ask.

If however he said I'm hungry can you get a takeaway, then yes that's him asking

TempleofZoom · 30/09/2021 08:01

TBH if I was broke I'd rather just have the £200 and not see money "wasted" on faff like banners and balloons. He's an idiot for telling you that though

Why does your being broke mean that you get to dictate what others spend their money on? Confused

FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo · 30/09/2021 08:19

How about YOU read. I was talking about ME and I said JUST the £200. I.e. Nothing more. No balloons or banners or extra money.

So you’d be happy for your partner to drop £200 on your birthday and then fuck off, instead of doing something nice together? What would you do - take the money and usher then back out the door with a cheery wave?

BadNomad · 30/09/2021 09:12

Yes? For me balloons and banners are a waste of money (and bad for the environment). I also think cards are a waste of paper and money too. But it's up to the other person to do what they want to do with their money. I will say thank you regardless because I'm not an ungrateful idiot like the OP's bf. It doesn't change that I think it's a waste of money.

Shellfishblastard · 30/09/2021 09:31

@Disapoint

I can’t believe the thread is still going but thank you everyone for your kind messages, and thoughts and views.

He asked for the takeaway! It wasn’t even something I suggested. I definitely wasn’t flashing the cash. A curry and a bottle of rum is hardly pushing the boat out is it?

How are things between you now OP?
myusernamewastakenbyme · 30/09/2021 09:47

Ughhh what a toad...I'd have been very hurt and upset by that text and would struggle to come back from it.

holrosea · 30/09/2021 09:50

You've just made me think of an ex who really got on my nerves: he used to get £5/day reimbursed for lunch so he'd always keep the receipt to claim back what he could. That is entirely normal... until I invited him for lunch and he kept the receipt to get paid £5 too.

I made a big song and dance about when he was going to reimburse me my £5 because the sheer brass neck just got under my skin.

The point being that if you make a gesture to someone because you want to be nice, lunch or cake or whatever, the correct response is "lovely thank you". Not "pass me the receipt so I can get £5 back on my free lunch" or "I'd rather have had the cash".

DottyHarmer · 30/09/2021 10:33

The thing is, those defending him, is that in the absence of balloons, takeaway etc, he would have had £200, not £250. If he had said, “Look, OP, don’t make a fuss about my birthday” in advance, OP was not going to give him another £50 instead.

He is looking at a nice gesture as cold hard cash that he could have pocketed.

fumfspos · 30/09/2021 10:55

He asked for the takeaway! It wasn’t even something I suggested. I definitely wasn’t flashing the cash. A curry and a bottle of rum is hardly pushing the boat out is it?

That just makes the whole thing even worse.
He's awful OP. I hope he is history by now.

C0ffeePe0ple638 · 30/09/2021 11:15

The polite thing to say was, thank you for a lovely birthday together & for my gifts

5128gap · 30/09/2021 13:36

[quote Suprima]@Disapoint

I think you have had good advice here and he is a rude prick. But here is something to take away.

Never, ever, ever princess a man. Just don’t do it. Especially a new-ish boyfriend who you have no commitments with.

If they are a cock (which your boyfriend is- look at his bloody social skills Confused no wonder he’s not in a good place at the moment!) - they will not appreciate it and just be thinking of what else they can get out of you.

If they are a good egg- they won’t want the fuss and would rather you spent your money on you or something sensible Grin

Don’t drop £250 on any bloke’s birthday again. Your fiancé’s 30th fine. Your husband who you want to fuss over because he has been wonderful, fine. But a newish boyfriend- nah sis[/quote]
I agree in principle but in this case the OP has already accepted gifts and spa days from him so spending on each other is part of the dynamic of their relationship. Its not been a one way street with OP doing all the spending. Which I think is the problem because now he's expecting pay back.

Balonzette · 30/09/2021 14:38

UNBELIEVABLE! What a rude, selfish, demanding man. How awful. I am speechless. I'd end it with him.

StaplesCorner · 30/09/2021 14:49

I love how some posters are making excuses for him, or even making it out to be the OP's fault for existing. Definitely food for thought (but only if you pay the CF boyfriend first).

Pemba · 30/09/2021 15:08

Is 'to princess' a verb now then? Never heard that one before. Although the meaning is clear. I know several men who love cake, so I don't think that most dislike it.

But would most men really have an aversion to being treated/'princessed' by a woman? How depressing It's a power thing, maybe. Bloody men, I am not very fond of them today.

Original poster
Disapoint · 30/09/2021 16:01

I did end things with him. He’s sent me a long message saying he didn’t mean for things to come across that way. But I honestly feel over it and him, he just came across badly and like some people say he clearly wasn’t that into me in the first place. I felt that anyway but wanted to make an effort

OP posts:
daisyducky · 30/09/2021 16:02

I'm sorry. I hope you find someone who appreciates you

Pinkbonbon · 30/09/2021 16:07

Sounds like you've made the right move op.

It actually sounds like he may have been kove bombing you in the beginning and then came out with all this being short on cash guff in order to get you to buy shit for him. Because you'd be thinking 'oh he always bought things for me when he could...'. It could have been a plan to rinse you all along.

Either way though, he was rude and ungrateful and there's no excuse for it.

Pinkbonbon · 30/09/2021 16:08

*love bombing

isthismylifenow · 30/09/2021 16:09

As shit as it is, it's probably for the best.

Chalk it up to experience, and hopefully you meet someone who does appreciate you.

Pemba · 30/09/2021 16:10

So sorry Disapoint but I think you've done the right thing, and a brave thing in stopping this. Flowers

He's an idiot, who didn't deserve you. Hope you find someone nicer.