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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
PearLime · 29/09/2021 07:42

You already gave him £200! That's a crazy amount of cash to give a partner IMO- I'd never give someone that much!

He is lucky he had someone give him that and make a fuss of him. He shouldn't have said he'd rather have the money.

I'd defo tell him:

  • this is hurtful
  • you gave him £200 bloody quid! That's enough!
  • you won't be doing the same again!
MadeForThis · 29/09/2021 07:43

Hopefully he has just worded it badly.

If he is really struggling for money he's probably thinking that £50 could have paid for a weeks shopping instead of a some cakes and a takeaway.

I would be the he same if someone bought me something overly expensive, say £150 on a jumper, while I would love the jumper I would also think that I could buy jeans, and a couple of jumpers for that price in my usual shops.

Divebar2021 · 29/09/2021 07:43

“Don’t worry. It won’t happen again”

Tal45 · 29/09/2021 07:45

I really don't think you need to LTB over this, you need to talk to him. It might be that he's struggling with money a lot more than he's letting on and seeing all the money you'd spent on balloons and cakes it just hit home to him that it could have paid one of his bills or whatever. He's not handled it well as the money's already spent but I would talk to him and tell him how it made you feel.

AlwaysNC2021 · 29/09/2021 07:46

I’m torn here. On one hand, you suggest he’s usually a good partner, and therefore I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt. On the other hand, I find this utterly shocking and it’s not something I think I could come back from. His message is rude but also makes the assumption that the alternative to £200 + the birthday date was £250. The £200 is huge for a birthday gift, so more than adequate. The birthday date was a lovely shared experience and something you chose to do as an ‘extra’. It feels incredibly entitled to come back and say, in the way he did, that he would prefer more money instead, when he had already been treated so generously. In your position, I think I would spend the rest of the relationship avoiding doing nice things in case they were similarly received, which would suck a lot of joy out of life for me! I would also feel very very uneasy and uncomfortable and see this behaviour as a huge red flag. It is not your responsibility to pay his bills and this almost feels like he’s treating your finances as more ‘joint’ than they actually are. He may have chosen to spend £250 in a different way, but the £250 in question here was not his to spend. The £200 is now his, and he can spend that however he likes, but the £50 never was. It feels to me like he is overstepping boundaries, and potentially showing controlling tendencies. I don’t think he would have made similar comments to anyone else. If he is struggling and looking for support, there are better ways to broach that with you.

SunnyDayOut · 29/09/2021 07:46

This is a thing that on the surface looks incredibly rude and thoughtless - and certainly would have been better left for a face to face conversation along the lines of ‘I really appreciated what you did, but the money could have bought a week’s food and I guess that is how I think about things now my financial situation has changed’.

But, different situation, I do remember being absolutely annoyed that DD’s father, who paid no maintenance, bought her a tablet for her birthday. I don’t even think it was that expensive in the grand scheme of things but I had just bought all her school uniform and had hardly any spare cash. I would have much preferred him to ask me what she needed. It’s not the same situation, but being strapped for cash can change your perspective on these things.

Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 29/09/2021 07:47

Just wow.

girlmom21 · 29/09/2021 07:47

@Wallywobbles

I'd reply with "what did you want the outcome of your text to be?"
I like this response. He sent that message to make you feel rubbish. There's no positive outcome.

Out of curiosity, what happened on your birthday?

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 29/09/2021 07:47

How ungrateful!
Was it part of a wider conversation or did he just text specifically to say that he would rather have had the cash?

ancientgran · 29/09/2021 07:48

@timeisnotaline

I’d be hurt, but I’d want to understand the finance related stress levels driving it. As you say he’s been generous in the past, this seems out of character and he might be really struggling. I certainly wouldn’t jump to dumping him.’
I agree. I have been very short of money in the past and have thought this although I wouldn't say it. When you are really short of money however lovely the thought it can just seem like a waste.
DancesWithTortoises · 29/09/2021 07:48

Incredibly rude and hurtful.

dottiedodah · 29/09/2021 07:48

TBH I think he is very rude and ungrateful .Thing is Birthdays arent all about the Birthday Boy/Girl ,they are a celebration to be shared among friends /families as well.We all look forward to our BD here and everyone elses as well! Trips/meals out and so on all the fun .Would he have liked a cup of tea at home and a sandwich? Just so he could have more cash! Just so not on .I would dump I think .If you were to marry /have DC would he want money then as well?

Original poster
Disapoint · 29/09/2021 07:49

Hi everyone thank you for all the in input, grammar corrections all that jazz.

I haven’t text back yet feel slightly more sympathetic. I do what to say the balloons and banner cost about £2. It wasn’t huge I just wanted to acknowledge the fact it was his birthday. I got cupcakes for free, if he didn’t like that sort of thing that wouldn’t have bothered me. To dismiss my effort and ask for money.

I do understand what it’s like to struggle but I certainly wouldn’t think I couldn’t cash in on experiences. £200 is generous but like I said he treated me, I wanted to do the same thing. The amount isn’t an issue to me

OP posts:
SunnyDayOut · 29/09/2021 07:49

I think though, that as AlwaysNC says, £200 is a huge amount for a birthday gift after a year of dating, never mind £250, so that does seem quite entitled.

DamnUserName21 · 29/09/2021 07:49

@Goatinthegarden

If he has been generous to you in the past, I’d be inclined to be a bit patient with him and look into this a bit further. It sounds like he’s found himself in a stressful financial situation and has communicated this badly to you.

I’ve been in a relationship before where I was struggling financially and my partner (who I didn’t live with) wasn’t, and although I didn’t say anything to him, I remember seeing him spending money on things I didn’t want or need and quietly wishing I just had the spare cash he had spent to pay my bills instead.

^agree with this
LaurieFairyCake · 29/09/2021 07:49

Yeah I'd look into this further too

Late in the evening he's sounding angry (with himself) frustrated with his own shit life and trying to push you away really hard.

What he's saying if we take his words at face value is "I can't enjoy these things right now as I can only think about money".

I'm only saying this because he was previously thoughtful and kind. If he's actually a twat now get rid Thanks

I'd send nothing until you talk about it in person (don't send any money)

PaperDolphin · 29/09/2021 07:50

Honestly I wouldn't reply to that. What are you supposed to say? Beyond ungrateful. Leave it to him to make the next contact. If it is anything less than a prefuse apology and explanation that he was laying awake worrying about money and got the wording of the text wrong and more prefuse apology and immense thanks - I would block and walk.

Tellmewhat · 29/09/2021 07:51

So next time you want a takeaway, you eat yours and give him the money for his share [confused.]

flippertyop · 29/09/2021 07:52

What a twunt

Original poster
Disapoint · 29/09/2021 07:53

So the conversation was about birthdays, he just said he had ordered the present, he had plans this weekend with family and I asked him if he enjoyed his birthday. He said yes it was different but then sent the text.

My birthday he did buy chocolates, shoes, perfume, candles that I love, champagne. This was prior to his job loss but admittedly he does still try to do small thoughtful things even without much money.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/09/2021 07:54

I can't imagine many adults would prefer balloons and banners to cash/vouchers. And the cupcake thing - if he doesn't like cakes, this wasn't a great present. Did you actually think about what he'd like when you bought the stuff?

Did you miss that she gave him £200 for something he wanted??

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 29/09/2021 07:55

Stop the cheque!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/09/2021 07:55

@MrsSkylerWhite

Spiindoctor

I hate the banners, balloons, sickly cake stuff for birthdays.
So overpriced too.“

Me too. If I were really struggling financially and missing distant family too, which my partner was aware of, the waste would upset me.

She also gave him £200
Original poster
Disapoint · 29/09/2021 07:56

Also the cupcakes were not a present, just a little extra. He loves football so…. He’s also never expressed that he hates cake fgs

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 29/09/2021 07:56

It's such a bizarre comment to make that I can't believe he thought it would be received well. I think @Wallywobbles text suggestion was a good one, any response to that will tell whether there is anything left in this relationship.

A person can be as generous as they come but if that's coupled with an ungrateful attitude when the situation is reversed then I don't think that's recoverable. It wouldn't be for me anyway.

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