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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
ilovebw · 29/09/2021 05:55

Oh op, that's a really hurtful message to have received. Your efforts were kind and thoughtful. You deserve to be treated better.

FinallyHere · 29/09/2021 06:01

@Wallywobbles

I'd reply with "what did you want the outcome of your text to be?"
Ohh, yes, this is way better than my suggestion. Spot on.
Bluntness100 · 29/09/2021 06:06

Wow that’s awful, no matter how much he’s struggling he should never have said it, and it’s like he’s a child wanting mummy to bail him out. It’s icky, rude and ungrateful
.

AnyOldPrion · 29/09/2021 06:06

@SilveredPinkPetal

Don’t do anything rash. My husband hates fuss, and would say the same. In fact probably has said the same. Don’t break up, over someone’s throw away comment, as some posters have advised. You’ve said he’s been thoughtful and generous to you in the past. His current circumstances have changed, and it’s not easy. Give him a break.
I think it would be fair enough for him to say it at some point. The most tactful time would be next year when his birthday is coming up, to prevent it happening again, but I understand why he might not want to wait that long.

To mention it a few days after OP treated him to something she thought he enjoyed takes away the pleasure she felt and ignores the fact that regardless of his feelings, she was generous and trying to be thoughtful. Had he mentioned it face to face, then he might have been able to mitigate that negativity.

Instead, he sent a text in the middle of the night that she’s stuck with. At the very best, it’s thoughtless.

Where to go from here is more difficult. Personally not liking cake would be a deal breaker for me Grin but if this is completely out of character, I guess there may be some explanation, such as he’d just realised that his financial situation was much worse than he realised. I probably wouldn’t block and move on, if it’s been otherwise a good and significant relationship for a year. But it is definitely something of a red flag.

As for a reply, I’d probably not try to respond in a text, other than to say that you woke up to his text and it upset you, especially as you were unable to chat to him about it as you knew he’d be asleep. It’d be reasonable to point out you don’t feel this was the best way to discuss things and if he doesn’t like something you’ve done, you’d rather the discussion was face to face.

You need to be honest about how this made you feel. His response will tell you whether he’s taken your feelings on board or whether he dismisses and disregards the fact that he’s done something that hurt you. You’re not unreasonable to think he’s been tactless and somewhat unkind.

Have confidence in your own feelings and reactions. Try to see this as a moment to reflect on whether this relationship is really working for you, rather than seeing the relationship as something that you very much want to preserve and are therefore willing to accept any explanation that will get you over this hump. That’s a mistake I used to make and you end up compromising yourself and you gradually allow your personality, feelings and needs to be eroded.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2021 06:07

@Joystir59

Don't dump him. It sounds as if he's really panicking about money and if you care about him perhaps sit with him and try help him workout what's happening with his finances and how he can improve things.
He’s not her 17 year old kid off to uni for the first time Confused
EccentricaGalumbits · 29/09/2021 06:07

@PurBal

Playing devils advocate, how good is he at communicating? I wonder if this is his way of saying that, at the moment, the treats feel frivolous? DH bought me some (gorgeous) diamond earrings one year when I was out of work and money was tight. It was before shared finances but it was hard accepting them knowing I have other things I needed. Now we have shared finances, communication is better and money is tight again (maternity leave) all our gifts to one another are practical ones.
That's what I thought, if he doesn't know 'as well' is two words he's probably just not great at putting thoughts in writing.
chaosrabbitland · 29/09/2021 06:09

that is very greedy and rude . it all comes accross as very grabby , if someone i was dating had given me 200 quid for my birthday i wouldnt have the audacity to want more , esp if id been taken out as well ,

i dont think i would carry this on any further , and id be tempted to ask for my 200 quid back as well , its only been less than a year so its not like finishing a long term relationship

AngelDelightUk · 29/09/2021 06:12

I’d be seriously hurt by that. I’d have to reply something like “well sorry for making an effort”

How long have you been together? Just wondering if he had his best behaviour on in the honeymoon period but now he’s not holding back

Neonplant · 29/09/2021 06:14

That's so rude. But also you've already spent it so what is he expecting? Big red flag!

GAHgamel · 29/09/2021 06:15

I'd probably go with "Do you want to try rewording that?" as an indication that the message has not been well received, but there's still a window of opportunity to put it right if he's just expressed himself poorly. To be honest I wouldn't be fussed with balloons and banners either, but the way to say that is "£200 was really generous of you, you didn't need to spend out on all that extra stuff, as it's not really my thing anyway." Suggesting he would rather you forked over the extra money too is just ungracious, no matter how strapped he is for cash.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2021 06:16

This coupled with the fact he wanted a two hundred quid “gift” when you’ve only been dating a year, happily took your money then told you it wasn’t enough, it’s just so entitled and grabby indeed

He was obvs sitting there thinking god she bought all this crap and she could just have given me the cash and fucked off, when you were sitting thinking you were having a lovely day.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2021 06:17

@GAHgamel

I'd probably go with "Do you want to try rewording that?" as an indication that the message has not been well received, but there's still a window of opportunity to put it right if he's just expressed himself poorly. To be honest I wouldn't be fussed with balloons and banners either, but the way to say that is "£200 was really generous of you, you didn't need to spend out on all that extra stuff, as it's not really my thing anyway." Suggesting he would rather you forked over the extra money too is just ungracious, no matter how strapped he is for cash.
But that’s not what he was saying, thanks for the effort but you didn’t need to. He was saying I’d have preferred more of your money please.
Sally2791 · 29/09/2021 06:18

So rude and ungrateful. It’s not your role to pay for him, I would take that as a warning and dump him. Hope he enjoys your cash.

Taiyo · 29/09/2021 06:19

To be honest, I also don't like a fuss on my birthday. I remember an Ex bought me a huge bunch of flowers and I just really hated them, they weren't the kind of flowers I liked, i had nowhere to put them and they were just such an utter waste of money. I didn't say anything, but it's what I thought.

I think it was very nice of you to be so generous on his birthday and it wouldn't have been better if he'd just said he didn't really like the banner and cakes, rather than mentioning the money you spent on them because that made him seem a bit greedy.

Spiindoctor · 29/09/2021 06:21

I hate the banners, balloons, sickly cake stuff for birthdays.
So overpriced too.

CoalTit · 29/09/2021 06:22

Don’t break up, over someone’s throw away comment...
Is it a throwaway comment if you go to the trouble of typing it out and sending it to someone who's not there with you?

1AngelicFruitCake · 29/09/2021 06:23

I think this could just be clumsy wording on his part.

lannistunut · 29/09/2021 06:24

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling

You've just said you know he's struggling.

I think if you care about him you should find out what's going on, if this is out of character.

It does sound like you spent quite a bit on pointless stuff when he's got real money worries? It isn't your job to solve it for him, but neither should he have to put on a fake smile to please you.

GAHgamel · 29/09/2021 06:31

@Bluntness100
But that’s not what he was saying, thanks for the effort but you didn’t need to. He was saying I’d have preferred more of your money please.

That was my point - if he was trying for "you don't need to spend money on that stuff" he's messed up monumentally, cos he's given her the impression he's just being grabby. Given it was late night and probably post beer, that may not have been what he meant, so if it was me I'd want to give him a chance to clarify that before kicking him to the kerb.

sandgrown · 29/09/2021 06:31

Giving him the benefit of the doubt I think he may have been awake worrying about money and thinking what he could have done with the extra . My ex used to be really bad at receiving presents and his reactions and comments often made people think he didn’t like his gifts when he did. I would have to make a comment back about trying to make it a nice day for him and being a bit hurt. I wouldn’t finish it over one comment if he has been generous in the past .

MattyGroves · 29/09/2021 06:32

That is awful. I get my 4 year old to say thank you and appreciate all presents even if they aren't to his taste. It's a really bad sign that he already feels comfortable asking for money and then more money and hurting your feelings when you do something thoughtful. It's not clumsy phrasing, you didn't put him on the spot in person, he chose to type that. And for what? You can't take back the cakes already eaten. It's just to make you feel bad. Dumped.

Sarahlou63 · 29/09/2021 06:34

Balloons, banners and cupcakes?? Wonderful for a 6 year old girl. Not so wonderful for a grown man. I can absolutely see what he meant. The text was awkward but probably less awkward than saying it.

k1233 · 29/09/2021 06:36

I'm rather blunt when people piss me off. I'd just text back "Noted". Moving forward every gift would be cash, a card if he's lucky. No cakes, no candles etc

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 29/09/2021 06:37

The answer is to communicate.

Wait a bit then talk to him about how this has made you feel.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 29/09/2021 06:40

That's very rude and entitled. He was lucky to get anything. Getting £200 after just a year together is too much IMO.