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Relationships

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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:

baggingareaunattended · 29/09/2021 13:54

I think the fact that he wanted to a spend his birthday with family ontop of being really rude about your gestures makes me think this has run it's course. What a shame, what an arse though, he's showed his true colours wanting cash rather than some sweet gestures. My DP is an arse but even he appreciates the me making an effort even if he never eats my cakes.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2021 14:01

Are you sure he’s just concerned about losing his cash cow? What else has he said?

StarsAboveMe · 29/09/2021 14:12

You sound like a brilliant, thoughtful and generous person @Disapoint.

This man’s entitled and grabby attitude (and the excuses from some on here) say everything about him and nothing about you.

You deserve a lot better than this.

Lunde · 29/09/2021 14:14

Rude, ungrateful and grabby!

It shows a lot about the way that he thinks about you and finances that he sees an evening spent with you and sharing a takeaway and cake as wasting his money!

I would get rid

Bookworm20 · 29/09/2021 14:26

Wow, I can't believe he texted that and hasn't even actually apologised.

I've been absolutely flat broke before, but if a BF had asked me over for a take away, put some effort in with some cupcakes, a few balloons and banners and made me a couple of cocktails, I'd of been over the moon! Because its something that was effort just to make me feel special, we could both enjoy it and not something I could've afforded to do myself. And thats without a £200 present thrown in!

I think most people would be the same.
What planet is he on? I can't fathom someone preferring £50 over a thoughtful and romantic night with their partner.
Not sure I could come back from that tbh.

billy1966 · 29/09/2021 14:31

@Lunde

Rude, ungrateful and grabby!

It shows a lot about the way that he thinks about you and finances that he sees an evening spent with you and sharing a takeaway and cake as wasting his money!

I would get rid

Appallingly rude but I think you have just had a clear view of what he thinks of you and your money.

I would be SO done OP.

Ignore this warning shot of who he is, at your peril.

GrumpyTerrier · 29/09/2021 14:33

Oh my. He can feel like that if he wants but to say it to you, then double down---- throw him back! Even if you do hate cake and balloons, who says something like hat. I mean, what are you, his bank or his loving girlfriend. Wow.

ErickBroch · 29/09/2021 14:34

Read the full thread. I am baffled how he hasn't got a job when practically every food industry is hiring? I mean, restaurants, takeaways, cafes, pubs, everywhere is desperate for servers. I even see signs all over shops that have warehouses needing staff immediately. He could get a job? Unless there is some reason he can't which hasn't been mentioned.

I have a 'professional' career and if I lost my job tomorrow I would immediately go and apply for jobs in the service industry to fill the gap. I can't imagine just sitting around sulking.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2021 14:39

He has a low-paid job, possibly one of those you mention Erick.

ErickBroch · 29/09/2021 14:39

Oop I am thick and didn't see in the original post that he HAS got a job, my bad. Anyway, I think you're completely right in how you're feeling. He's saying he would rather you gave him an extra £50 than spend a nice evening together. Gross.

Suprima · 29/09/2021 14:47

@Disapoint

I think you have had good advice here and he is a rude prick. But here is something to take away.

Never, ever, ever princess a man. Just don’t do it. Especially a new-ish boyfriend who you have no commitments with.

If they are a cock (which your boyfriend is- look at his bloody social skills no wonder he’s not in a good place at the moment!) - they will not appreciate it and just be thinking of what else they can get out of you.

If they are a good egg- they won’t want the fuss and would rather you spent your money on you or something sensible

Don’t drop £250 on any bloke’s birthday again. Your fiancé’s 30th fine. Your husband who you want to fuss over because he has been wonderful, fine. But a newish boyfriend- nah sis

DottyHarmer · 29/09/2021 14:51

It doesn’t matter whether he has no job, a poorly-paying job or is rolling in it, you simply do not ask for the money someone has spent on some treats in addition to the £200 they gave you. A few posters have offered up excuses but on what planet is this anything other than hideously rude?

It’s irrelevant whether or not he dislikes balloons or cakes or even chicken tikka masala - the twiddly bits were a celebration for him and the OP, not just “money wasted” which he feels he could have added to his gift fund.

impossible · 29/09/2021 15:01

Although your boyfriend would have preferred the cash rather than the extras (which I can understand) he could have at least waited until another celebration was coming up before letting you know he felt.

You were being kind and generous and he should have received your gifts with gratitude rather than saying something negative soon after the day is over and the money spent. There would be plenty of times in the future the two of you could discuss this sort of thing.

If you think this relationship is worth pursuing I think you should have a serious chat with him about his situation. He may well have been in a panic about how he's going to manage financially. These are very difficult times. Do talk though. Now is definitely the time to get a better sense of him.

JavaQ · 29/09/2021 15:07

@Disapoint

There is a lot of insight in the above answers. I side with the LTB camp.

Not 100% related, but here's a story for you! I went out with a cheapskate once. He bought himself a £200 pair of shoes and the rest, and then wanted me to mail his almost empty (bog-standard) shampoo/conditioner bottles back to him in Belgium.

Of course I didn't.

(He also slagged off Stonehenge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unforgiveable )

BigFatLiar · 29/09/2021 15:11

If you wanted to stick with him you need to have a decent open chat about just how bad his finances are.

He has enough to pay his bills but you've been covering for him when out. Sounds like he only just covers his bills and is living fairly basic after that. He may well have enjoyed your day together with cakes and balloons but gone back thinking it was a bit of a waste if he is struggling during the week.

He's probably embarrassed about his financial situation, dump him and find someone better off.

PearlclutchersInc · 29/09/2021 15:12

Should have just told him that what he got was his lot. If you hadnt have done cake etc you still wouldnt have given him a bigger monetary gift.

Bloody ingrate.

MzHz · 29/09/2021 15:18

@Disapoint

No he just said rather than the extra bits he would of rather had the cash

You are beeing saddled up to be taken for a ride

you know this clown for less than a year and this must be your first birthday of his together and he is THIS ungrateful - you give this MF £200 of your money for something he wanted (not needed) and he says this?

You're a year in, he's not even grateful for what you have done for him.
BIN HIM.

MzHz · 29/09/2021 15:20

@Disapoint

Recently I’ve had to cover him if I wanted to do things otherwise we would do nothing. I know this bothered him but I was happy to cover him because I thought he would do the same for me should I need it.

He spent more on me than I did for his birthday but his explanation made things worse not better

You know what? I've been aorund the block a few times and it NEVER turns out that the person you sub gets to sub you righ back.

Takers take. it's what they do.

HareofWestTown · 29/09/2021 15:23

@impossible

He did receive cash, 200! If he was in such a panic he would have spent his 200 cash on bills or food, not on a gift. What he wanted was 200 for his gift and 50 spending money.

Lunde · 29/09/2021 15:34

What will be next? "Nah lets not go to the cinema - you can just give me the money you'd have spent ... lets call it £20"

RantyAunty · 29/09/2021 15:47

He's incredibly rude and grabby.

That is what happens when you start paying for a man.

Never spend money like that on a man especially a somewhat new boyfriend. They don't appreciate it and they resent you.

A funny card and a small chocolate block is plenty.

sonjadog · 29/09/2021 16:04

There really isn’t any comparision with people who have joint accounts. If you do, then saying you’d rather spend the money on bills than a celebration is something for the couple to decide between them. But this is the OP’s money and hers alone. He might be strapped for cash, but she isn’t. How she spends it is up to her. If she wants to spend 50 pounds on a celebration, then the correct response is «thank you for your kind gesture». It is not, «I would rather you gave me the money». His text and response today show that he thinks of the OP’s money as his too. Which he absolutely should not at this point in their relationship.

DottyHarmer · 29/09/2021 17:01

Yes, not the same as couples at all.

I simply don’t understand the apologists for his behaviour, especially given that he’d already had £200. And if he was on his uppers he’d be paying a bill, not buying a treat.

There are no excuses! He asked for more ! Greedy idiot.

2bazookas · 29/09/2021 17:24

Rude bugger! After he'd already had £200!!!!!

Tthat was more than just rude, it was really unkind after you gave him a lovely day.

layladomino · 29/09/2021 17:35

Yeah I would feel differently about him after that as well. Especially as the next day he repeated what he'd said, so you can't even put it down to a one-off spur of the moment thing.

But either way, he was incredibly rude and grabby and ungrateful. There was nothing you could do after the event - you don't have a time machine - sothe only purpose of his comment was to upset you. Which makes him a pretty poor bf.

I think I'd let this one go. If he has any semblance of decency he'll know exactly why and be appalled at his awful behaviour.

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