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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
AnyOldPrion · 29/09/2021 12:43

Sorry it’s come to this, OP. Especially after you tried to do something nice.

As other posters have observed, he doesn’t sound like he wants to spend time with you doing nice things.

And if, as people are suggesting, he’s really touchy about money, specifically with regard to you having it and him not, then that isn’t a tiny thing to be dismissed as understandable because he’s a man. It’s another red flag because it suggests he doesn’t see you as equal people, but sees himself as the “showerer of gifts” and you as the receiver…. Which is only okay if he can accept equal reciprocation when he’s the one that’s struggling.

Stay strong.

NigellaSeed · 29/09/2021 12:51

It's not like you were gifting him £250 but decided to spend some of his money on takeaway and balloons. You gifted him £200 and then kindly spent extra on top. What an arse. I don't normally say leave on here. But honestly, I think he sounds like a total prick

sadie9 · 29/09/2021 12:52

Well what some emotionally immature bullies do is that they shower gifts on people when it suits them, but the motivation behind that is not genuine affection it is approval-seeking and to maintain their view of themselves as 'wonderfully kind' person or some such.
So if he can afford it and he wants champagne then you got champagne and other maybe random gifts based on his mood swings.
But later the resentment emerges because the giving of the gifts wasn't genuine affection, it was an internal drive to be seen in a good light by others.
It's the 'after all I did for you' syndrome...
He needs to maintain his status as a victim so he turns you into the bad guy.

forrestgreen · 29/09/2021 12:52

So if he had to choose a or b

A - evening in with his girlfriend who spent £50 on said evening.

Or

B- £50 in his back pocket

He'd have sat in his flat on his birthday and accept £50 (plus £200) wow.

Catcorn · 29/09/2021 12:54

Well done OP, you’ve handled this well. He doesn’t deserve someone like you.

YourWinter · 29/09/2021 12:56

I would not forget such rudeness, and probably not be able to forgive it.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2021 12:56

he’s text me several times since but I think he’s just panicking that he is losing his cash cow

Sorry to hear it, OP.

If he's texting further, justifying himself and failing to see your point of view or to apologise, he's showing himself as self-centred and inconsiderate.

QuentinBunbury · 29/09/2021 12:58

eventually he’ll be back on his feet and we can do those things like nights out or nights in
What an arsehole he is. So you can't spend your own money doing nice things together as he needs to get back on his feet.
Seriously sounds like a recipe for financial abuse to me. It's not up to you to bail him out, he should be pleased you bought him a takeaway on his birthday if he's that skint.
I think the initial spendiness on his part was to put you off guard for this behaviour. Big red flag. I wouldn't hang around.

ginghamstarfish · 29/09/2021 13:03

Sorry OP, but when someone says 'I'm sorry IF my .... upset you ...' that is very far from an apology. It's what sleazy politician say and really means they think they did nothing wrong but YOU are overreacting.

Daisylg · 29/09/2021 13:10

Omg im cringing at the rudeness! It’s the fact he’s gone away and instead of thinking “ aw that was nice that she made an effort” he’s literally sat and thought “ wish she had gave me the cash instead” and then SAIT IT TO YOU! So rather than having a nice night with his girlfriend with food etc, he would have fathered the extra £50? There’s no future here is there? Bless you

Naunet · 29/09/2021 13:10

But someone that is struggling wouldn't see that as heaven, they would see that as food that they could put in the cupboard, or a bill they could pay
Just because he says he can manage his bills (most people are to embarrassed to admit they struggle) doest mea he actually can

WTF are you talking about? You think if someone buys you a cake and balloons, that’s YOUR money they’re using, that you are entitled to? Wow, how grabby are you? It’s HER money, she can spend it however she wants, he is not in any way entitled to it.

Daisylg · 29/09/2021 13:10

Rathered** sorry typing quick on my lunch break Grin

5128gap · 29/09/2021 13:12

@sadie9

Well what some emotionally immature bullies do is that they shower gifts on people when it suits them, but the motivation behind that is not genuine affection it is approval-seeking and to maintain their view of themselves as 'wonderfully kind' person or some such. So if he can afford it and he wants champagne then you got champagne and other maybe random gifts based on his mood swings. But later the resentment emerges because the giving of the gifts wasn't genuine affection, it was an internal drive to be seen in a good light by others. It's the 'after all I did for you' syndrome... He needs to maintain his status as a victim so he turns you into the bad guy.
This is an excellent summary. I've known a few of these.
Sparklfairy · 29/09/2021 13:14

@forrestgreen

So if he had to choose a or b

A - evening in with his girlfriend who spent £50 on said evening.

Or

B- £50 in his back pocket

He'd have sat in his flat on his birthday and accept £50 (plus £200) wow.

I know! I'm i was skint and stressed I'd jump at the chance of a treat takeaway i wouldn't be able to afford and some good company to take my mind off it, plus £200...!
thesplashing · 29/09/2021 13:15

I've got second hand ick.

There is no coming back from this.

harrytwatter · 29/09/2021 13:21

Bloody hell. When I was a single parent and properly skint, if my boyfriend had given me £200 and brought me food and treats I'd have cried at the relief of having some money and dinner sorted for me.

And this

eventually he’ll be back on his feet and we can do those things like nights out or nights in

But you can because you paid for it! It's your money and you can decide how you spend it. You don't have to give him cash in lieu of a date ffs

Secnarf · 29/09/2021 13:21

Is he depressed? (Moved away from friends and family so loss of usual support mechanisms, taken a lower paid job, struggling).

I am not making excuses for him, but if this is out of character for the man you know, could this be a factor?

The issue might not be that he's so skint that he needs the extra £50, or that he is a money grabber. Anhedonia is a common finding in depression. And so he hasn't been able to 'feel' the joy you were trying to give him, and because he's emotionally blunted, thinks "it wasn't worth her effort. I'd have rather had the money". And if he's preoccupied by his own misery, he is unable to see how unreasonable he is being, and the impact it is having on you?

Just another possible viewpoint. Alternatively, he could just be an arsehole!

PaperDolphin · 29/09/2021 13:23

OP you are clearly a really loving, thoughtful and generous person. You deserve so much better. Raise your standards.

MrsFlinch · 29/09/2021 13:28

Why is so hard to understand that if the op hadnt spent money on the treats, then the money wouldn’t have gone to the dp anyway, she’d have been £50 better off!

Yes a lot of men don’t like balloons and banners and cake etc, but this wasn’t part of the Ops birthday present to her Dp. He was given £200
This was something extra she’d decided to spend on both of them.

He’s no right to expect that the ‘extra’ would’ve gone into his pocket. If he is so hard up he’d have used the £200 for essentials rather than the present he ‘wanted’.

Op use this experience as a starting point of the future. He’s kind of told you everything you need know in how he regards your finances. If he is this entitled now then that will only get worse!

1forAll74 · 29/09/2021 13:33

I wouldn't be buying balloons and cup cakes etc. for a man. I would just get a token gift for a birthday. But never the less, he should not be making comments about what you did for him, it's bad manners.

ZenNudist · 29/09/2021 13:34

If he's previously been lovely then I'd be willing to overlook an oversight but this is a HUGE mistake, massive red flag. Definitely you are right to back off.

LittleMysSister · 29/09/2021 13:39

@Disapoint

I know some men don’t like the fuss but honestly I got it as just a little extra effort because he was away from family and friends. I didn’t expect him to be blown away by it. Luckily a family member makes cakes so did them for free. The food and drink wasn’t even a big deal, I would understand if he didn’t get any other presents and I brought a balloon arch.

Some posters have really said it for me, he’s text me several times since but I think he’s just panicking that he is losing his cash cow Sad

I think you're overreacting a little bit OP.

I do think his message was rude and unnecessary but it doesn't sound like there's any reason to believe he thinks of you as a 'cash cow' - you have been quite clear that he has spent lots of money on your in better times.

I don't know why he made the comment that he did, it was unwise, but I don't think it means he only wants you for money.

BanditoShipman · 29/09/2021 13:40

In the call was he saying he had wanted you to give him the £200 PLUS the £50 spent on the take away??

Ohgodihatemywi · 29/09/2021 13:44

Rude rude rude and massively ungrateful. Never said cf on here before but I am today.

LadyDanburysHat · 29/09/2021 13:45

@forrestgreen

So if he had to choose a or b

A - evening in with his girlfriend who spent £50 on said evening.

Or

B- £50 in his back pocket

He'd have sat in his flat on his birthday and accept £50 (plus £200) wow.

This! This is what he said to you. He would rather have cash than spend an evening with you.
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