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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
layladomino · 29/09/2021 17:36

By 'let this one go' I mean let the bf go. Not the behaviour!

Psychonabike · 29/09/2021 17:49

Urgh.

My first husband was like this, in fact I'm pretty sure this exact scenario happened. One of the many reasons I have a second husband!

I do totally agree that some people, men especially, do not enjoy the fuss, find it cringey etc...my FIL is one of those people...but I have never known people who genuinely feel this way ask for cash instead. They seem to either tolerate it, or just ask for less fuss in future.

toocold54 · 29/09/2021 17:50

He sounds bloody rude!!
You don’t get to ask someone for money and it’s different if you brought him a PS5 and he would have preferred the money but buying some cake and banners is hardly going to have a large cash value that he can use.

I would be angry at his response too about can you see where he’s coming from, I would have been expecting an apology. The absolute cheek of it!

Honestly I don’t think this was even about the cakes and banners. I think it about something else. He sounds entitled and a bit of a user so I would have to end the relationship over it.

TempleofZoom · 29/09/2021 20:28

My Dsis is like this.
Grabby and entitled.

Its about a shared experience, thoughtfulness and your intention to show him you care.
Miserable to be so ignoble as to reduce it to "give me money"
On the other hand he has shown his cards fairly early on.
Get rid

Sisisimone · 29/09/2021 20:39

Listen, what you did for him on his birthday was lovely and thoughtful. For him to throw it back on your face like that was mean and spiteful. You know you are worth more than this

QueenBee52 · 29/09/2021 20:51

End this

BoredZelda · 29/09/2021 21:12

Isn’t it a case of reading the room? He’s flat broke and you’re jizzing money away on balloons and cakes for an adult birthday?

I’d have thought that sentiment would be right on message for the folks here at MN who hate anyone demonstrating they have money to throw away.

Pemba · 29/09/2021 21:22

Wow. How about RTFT Zelda?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/09/2021 21:23

@BoredZelda

Isn’t it a case of reading the room? He’s flat broke and you’re jizzing money away on balloons and cakes for an adult birthday?

I’d have thought that sentiment would be right on message for the folks here at MN who hate anyone demonstrating they have money to throw away.

She gave him £200 cash.

AND did the other stuff, which she clarified cost £2/3 plus a takeaway.

HTH.

AliceMcK · 29/09/2021 21:33

I think it’s rude to text you the next day and say that. But it wouldn’t bother me in conversation a few months down the line if he said he found things like that generally a waste of money. I’ve done the same. DH never buys be valentine flowers anymore as I think it’s a complete waste of money, I’d much rather a random bunch from Aldi occasionally when money’s not tight. Same big big birthday gestures. We only ever do it on special birthdays or if we have a bit of spare cash, which is rarely. But these things certainly didn’t come up in conversation when one of us had just done something nice, they were more of a general conversation thing as our relationship progressed. Our birthdays are fairly close together and each year we decided if we will bother with presents or if we will wait till we have a good money month and treat ourselves.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/09/2021 21:38

@AliceMcK

I think it’s rude to text you the next day and say that. But it wouldn’t bother me in conversation a few months down the line if he said he found things like that generally a waste of money. I’ve done the same. DH never buys be valentine flowers anymore as I think it’s a complete waste of money, I’d much rather a random bunch from Aldi occasionally when money’s not tight. Same big big birthday gestures. We only ever do it on special birthdays or if we have a bit of spare cash, which is rarely. But these things certainly didn’t come up in conversation when one of us had just done something nice, they were more of a general conversation thing as our relationship progressed. Our birthdays are fairly close together and each year we decided if we will bother with presents or if we will wait till we have a good money month and treat ourselves.
He didn't just say not to waste her money though, he gladly accepted £200 cash AND said he would have preferred the cash equivalent to the takeaway and decorations (which cost a few quid, hardly a balloon arch as OP quite rightly pointed out!) in addition to that. It's so unbelievably rude!

What's next? On a night out she says "Can I get you a drink?" And he says "No just give me a fiver cash." Would that be ok?!

AliceMcK · 29/09/2021 21:51

@youvegottenminuteslynn did you read what I wrote? I said he was rude! I also said it wouldn’t bother me if it came up in conversation a few months down the line as the relationship progressed he found things like that a waste of money though.

BoredZelda · 29/09/2021 21:59

She gave him £200 cash.
AND did the other stuff, which she clarified cost £2/3 plus a takeaway.

She spunked an extra 50 quid on stuff he couldn’t give a damn about when he is flat broke. Talk about flashing the cash whilst he is skint.

HTH.
Not really, as it didn’t address the actual point I made. But you didn’t really mean that, you just thought this made you sound superior, which, of course, failed as the use of this generally does.

Original poster
Disapoint · 29/09/2021 22:05

I can’t believe the thread is still going but thank you everyone for your kind messages, and thoughts and views.

He asked for the takeaway! It wasn’t even something I suggested. I definitely wasn’t flashing the cash. A curry and a bottle of rum is hardly pushing the boat out is it?

OP posts:
Pemba · 29/09/2021 22:09

If he requested it that's even weirder of him.

Muchmorethan · 29/09/2021 22:18

Maybe he was trying to guilt trip you into giving him more cash

Pemba · 29/09/2021 22:18

Could it be some stupid male pride thing, like he feels embarrassed that you're treating him? But then that doesn't make sense as surely you would have done that for his birthday anyway, whatever the state of his salary.

And then, he was sticking his hand out for more! After requesting the takeaway. What does he want from you? Just bizarre.

Sisisimone · 29/09/2021 22:25

Isn’t it a case of reading the room? He’s flat broke and you’re jizzing money away on balloons and cakes for an adult birthday
Isn't it a case of reading the thread? OP bought a £2 banner and her friend made her free cupcakes just to make her boyfriends birthday a nice occasion.
She spunked an extra 50 quid on stuff he couldn’t give a damn about when he is flat broke
And he asked for a takeaway. RTFT. And seriously, most people would love to be bought a few drinks and a takeaway on their birthday if they were skint. It's a treat. Only a real arsehole would turn around and say they'd prefer the money.

fidgetmad · 29/09/2021 22:28

I feel so bad for you OP. I think everything you've done sounds lovely, thoughtful and bot OTT at all.

I'm actually shocked by his text. Think this is one of the rudest things I've read on here!!

Did you ask him if he would rather have had the cash or did he just blurt that out when you asked if he'd had a nice time? How did he actually word it?

If it's as bad as I'm imagining from your OP, there would be no going back for me! Basically he was given £200 cash (more than generous) and treated to a night for you both to enjoy together. However, he'd have rather had the £250 cash than an enjoyable night with you? If you think of it from the POV that the meal and cocktails was for you both, he's basically saying you shouldn't have had a take away or drinks either so you had more cash available to give him??

I'm genuinely shocked!

Feedingthebirds1 · 29/09/2021 22:29

Get rid. He asked you to buy him a takeaway on top of a no-strings-attached gift of £200??? Then complains that you did so?

Get rid. He's shown you what he really thinks of you, which is that you've crossed a line from girlfriend/partner into cash point. And I wouldn't be at all confident that he'd return the favour you've done him if you were the one in dire straits, despite the things he's done previously. This seems to be a different attitude to money coming out.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/09/2021 22:43

@BoredZelda

She gave him £200 cash. AND did the other stuff, which she clarified cost £2/3 plus a takeaway.

She spunked an extra 50 quid on stuff he couldn’t give a damn about when he is flat broke. Talk about flashing the cash whilst he is skint.

HTH.
Not really, as it didn’t address the actual point I made. But you didn’t really mean that, you just thought this made you sound superior, which, of course, failed as the use of this generally does.

He even asked for the takeaway it turns out, in case you wanted to reconsider your position that OP was being thoughtless and 'flashing the cash'. He asked for a takeaway, took £200 cash as a gift AND asked for more... he's a cheeky fucker and a half!
BadNomad · 30/09/2021 04:04

TBH if I was broke I'd rather just have the £200 and not see money "wasted" on faff like banners and balloons. He's an idiot for telling you that though.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/09/2021 05:13

@BadNomad

TBH if I was broke I'd rather just have the £200 and not see money "wasted" on faff like banners and balloons. He's an idiot for telling you that though.
He DID have the £200 You think she spent £200 on balloons?? You could read the thread and not make silly posts like this, saves time. She gave him £200 and spent £50 on takeaway and booze. That he asked for.
Incredibad · 30/09/2021 05:57

Did you ditch him OP?

BadNomad · 30/09/2021 06:20

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

He DID have the £200
You think she spent £200 on balloons?? You could read the thread and not make silly posts like this, saves time. She gave him £200 and spent £50 on takeaway and booze. That he asked for.

How about YOU read. I was talking about ME and I said JUST the £200. I.e. Nothing more. No balloons or banners or extra money.