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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 29/09/2021 12:12

He’s either incredibly rude or has a very bad way of putting things when what he meant was ‘I would rather you had just given me£50 because I’m very skint’ — in which case why buy the £200 item. Either way OP, not sure I would persist with someone with this ‘entitled’ attitude- it stinks!!

Crikeyalmighty · 29/09/2021 12:13

By the way OP you sound really lovely and worth way more than this.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 29/09/2021 12:15

All these posters making excuses he's skint and scared, if he's do scared why did he spend OPs gift on an unnecessary item instead of bills and food? He's either not worried about his financial position or he's so entitled he believes OP will fork out for the bills too. There's not an option where he's a genuine nice guy, who said something the wrong way because he was worried, but he also spends 200 on an unnecessary item.

Polecat03 · 29/09/2021 12:18

Yeah, this is awful and would be the end for me.
What a horrible, petulant childish thing to have said.
Would never dream of saying that to someone who'd bought food and drink for a nice evening - "I would rather have had the money that cost, too (in addition to your already generous cash gift!!)"??
How can anyone defending him possibly think that's okay? There are no circumstances in which a nice person would trot that out.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 29/09/2021 12:18

I mean, what did he want you to do with that information other than make you feel crap?

Amillionnc · 29/09/2021 12:19

However, if he's skint, surely it's far more insensitive for someone to 'waste' money on frivolous items when you're worrying about paying bills?

It's obvious that this relationship isn't going to last because the OP views on spending money are quite differently to her boyfriend's.

@FatBettyintheCoop did you read OP’s post where said the £200 was for the gift or anything else he preferred to spend it on? That says to me she’s aware of his difficult financial situation. She could have bought the gift but didn’t. She gave him a choice. He spent it on a (I assume non essential) item. If he was that skint surely he would have put the money to better use?

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2021 12:19

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

All these posters making excuses he's skint and scared, if he's do scared why did he spend OPs gift on an unnecessary item instead of bills and food? He's either not worried about his financial position or he's so entitled he believes OP will fork out for the bills too. There's not an option where he's a genuine nice guy, who said something the wrong way because he was worried, but he also spends 200 on an unnecessary item.
This.

He basically put his hand out and told her he expected more. It’s grubby, grabby, entitled , controlling behaviour and incredibly rude. He put her down and basically told her she should be giving her money to him.

He will happily spend her cash on an expensive gift, but shoved his hand out for more?

Paddington2 · 29/09/2021 12:23

If he's previously been good, and generous when he was able, I'd overlook this as a clumsy attempt to say he appreciated the effort, but in future, he doesn't really like cake and all those little bits, added up, he could really have done with the money, rather than frivolous –albeit lovely– stuff.

My partner of six months (at the time) splurged on something I considered extremely wasteful on me, at a time when money for both of us was a bit tight. I didn't say anything, I made the right noises, but a year on, I like to think I'd find a tactful way of saying something to prevent it frittering so much money on something I didn't ultimately even like, and could totally have been better spent. There's a balance, isn't there. If his heart is in the right place, I'd overlook this. He's probably stressed about his finances too, which doesn't help at all.

Ellie56 · 29/09/2021 12:24

Rude entitled arsehole. I would throw him back in the sea.

Franklyfrost · 29/09/2021 12:24

£200 is a huge amount to spend. Never mind £250. And instead of saying thank you he tells you he should have been given more? What an arse.

If you had shared accounts and expenses then it would be a different story. But you don’t, right?

Franklyfrost · 29/09/2021 12:26

@Ellie56
I would throw him back in the sea.

I think you mean toilet.

SylvanasWindrunner · 29/09/2021 12:27

How upsetting, OP. So he got £200 from you but he wanted to get more money from you –the money you had spent for a shared celebration of his birthday?

I'd find this very hard to forgive. It's incredibly ungrateful. £200 is a lot of money in the first place. I understand if he'd maybe misspoken or said it the wrong way or something, but his explanation didn't seem to suggest that, did it?

Regularsizedrudy · 29/09/2021 12:28

I would dump him

AnyOldPrion · 29/09/2021 12:29

@ImFree2doasiwant

I kind of get where he's coming from sadly. My mum has offered to pay fir a soa day for my birthday fir me, her, my sister. Minimum £300 . I was absolutely skint at the time. I really really didn't want the spa day. I needed the money. I didn't actually say anything though. I'd have rather had "my" portion of the money and no spa day.
Well yes, but if she gave you £200 in addition, might that take the edge off the frustration you feel about her splashing cash on something that isn’t important to you?
Explosivefarts · 29/09/2021 12:30

@Disapoint

I know some men don’t like the fuss but honestly I got it as just a little extra effort because he was away from family and friends. I didn’t expect him to be blown away by it. Luckily a family member makes cakes so did them for free. The food and drink wasn’t even a big deal, I would understand if he didn’t get any other presents and I brought a balloon arch.

Some posters have really said it for me, he’s text me several times since but I think he’s just panicking that he is losing his cash cow Sad

Could he be in a much worse state financially than you think. I don’t think he thinks you are a cash cow or he wouldn’t have been giving you spa days etc when money wasn’t as tight .
MissMaple82 · 29/09/2021 12:32

A dear John text is in order here !

Crikeyalmighty · 29/09/2021 12:32

One thing I will say OP is I would never spend really large amounts on someone unless you have been together a long time and 100% know their situation. I’ve found men in particular are very touchy about money (especially if they aren’t high earners) and really don’t like admitting they are skint. They make up all kinds of crap about not being able to do something in many cases, rather than say I can’t afford it. (I’ve got a female friend too like this, so it’s not just men admittedly) They also for some reason then feel ‘obliged ‘ to spend similar on you for occasions.

HalzTangz · 29/09/2021 12:34

[quote DottyHarmer]@HalfTangz - how can you defend such rudeness? If the guy was uncomfortable with fuss or thought it a waste of money, even, then he should have kept his mouth (or phone) shut as the money had been spent. Asking for the equivalent spend is cheeky beyond belief.

I should think many of us have been short of a bob or two at some point and no way would we throw someone’s treat in their faces and ask for money. Make a mental note to forestall them next year if you think it’s a waste, but after the fact…. Noooooooo !![/quote]
I'm not defending it, my first post says it's rude of him to message. However he may have genuine reason to message and maybe the reason should be heard before people slate him to high heaven and advise the OP to split up her relationship.

I swear to god most women on here are just vile and embrace in breaking up relationships when communication could as easily fix things

mynameisbrian · 29/09/2021 12:34

So does that mean because he is skint all the time you cant do anything nice together? If you offer to pay for him he would rather the cash? Sounds like he is expecting you to top up his wage for him. He is an entitled and arrogant shit who clearly feels he deserves more and having a low paid job and a GF who earns more he seems to think he is entitled to your money. I am not surprised you see him in a new light. Instead of looking for money from you he should be looking at his outgoings and making changes to suit his new financial situation. Cash cow is right.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/09/2021 12:34

I would still dump him though for sheer rudeness!

5128gap · 29/09/2021 12:36

Did he just send that text apropos of nothing? Or was he replying to a text where you referred to the birthday, perhaps asked if he enjoyed it? If its the latter I suppose he was being honest, though tactless in the extreme, but at least he's letting you know what he prefers for the future. If it's the former though, that's just odd. Do you think in the light of his previous spending on you (wouldn't take many spa days to get to £200) he expected more money than you gave him and is resentful?

Original poster
Disapoint · 29/09/2021 12:38

Recently I’ve had to cover him if I wanted to do things otherwise we would do nothing. I know this bothered him but I was happy to cover him because I thought he would do the same for me should I need it.

He spent more on me than I did for his birthday but his explanation made things worse not better

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 29/09/2021 12:38

[quote Franklyfrost]@Ellie56
I would throw him back in the sea.

I think you mean toilet.[/quote]
Grin Grin Maybe I do!

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 29/09/2021 12:39

I know I misread earlier and thought he'd moved job to be with you, but I stand by the rest of what I said - it's easy to treat someone well when times are good, but the true measure is how he treats you when times are tough. What he's shown you isn't nice, particularly in the light of your subsequent posts.
Even if you are a person who thinks that cakes/banners etc are a complete waste of money, it's really mean to trample all over someone's feelings when they've tried to do a nice thing for you.
I think this is dead on the water no matter what now. Once your perception of a man changes, you can't go back.

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 12:39

@Crikeyalmighty

One thing I will say OP is I would never spend really large amounts on someone unless you have been together a long time and 100% know their situation. I’ve found men in particular are very touchy about money (especially if they aren’t high earners) and really don’t like admitting they are skint. They make up all kinds of crap about not being able to do something in many cases, rather than say I can’t afford it. (I’ve got a female friend too like this, so it’s not just men admittedly) They also for some reason then feel ‘obliged ‘ to spend similar on you for occasions.
I’m sure that’s true in some cases, but the opposite is the case here. DP has made it clear he wants more cash.
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