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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I hate my DP. Finally.

220 replies

NoLongerADoormat · 26/09/2021 22:56

It has happened. 3 years of financial abuse, isolation, shit self esteem and blows to the head I have realised I fucking hate my partner.

I don't actually know where to go from here. He punched me in the head on Monday then got his mum on the phone to tell me how nasty I am for carrying on an argument. He's in my house and every time I tell him to leave he says he's staying here for his son. I've waited ages for my house, it's council and I can't afford private especially not in this area.

What do I do. I don't want this waste of air in my house or in my life.

OP posts:

LoislovesStewie · 27/09/2021 05:33

Ex LA Housing Officer here; phone the Police tell them exactly what has been happening, phone your housing officer tomorrow and tell them what is happening. Phone Women's Aid for general advice and support Phone 999 if you are scared and get the Police there to remove him/arrest him, ask about a non-molestation order. Tell them you have been too scared of him to act until now. They will all believe you because this is all too common I am afraid. You can be moved by the LA if they think you should be, and you request it. They can also give advice or provide you with extra security. I have arranged all of that for women in your situation.
You have done nothing wrong and once you ask for help you will get it, but please act now.

Icanflyhigh · 27/09/2021 05:35

Forget social media and adding anyone right now, concentrate on this situation for you and your child. You need to report to police. If you can't call them, do it online. It is dealt with in the same way as calling 101 and they will be sensitive to your needs to ensure they don't arrive sirens blaring and ve the cause of you getting a beating. Do this for the future wellbeing of your child, and then start to heal yourself.

mathanxiety · 27/09/2021 05:43

You HAVE to notify the police. Here is why:

Legal aid availability.
Council action wrt locks and potentially moving you where he can't track you down.
The non-mol order is easier to get if police have been involved.
Unsupervised contact with the baby is more likely if you do not involve the police.

CALL THE POLICE.
If he kicks off when they arrive, so much the better. They will see exactly what they are dealing with and any report they write up can be used by you in the future, possibly for the non-mol order, possibly to make a case for supervised access only for the baby.

Women's Aid will probably not be able to talk to you right away when you phone. You will have to leave your number and a day and time you can be reached.

DO NOT get involved with another man right now.

Tell your family but DO NOT let them talk you out of getting the police involved.

Go to your Dr appointment on Tuesday and tell the doctor/nurse everything.

LoislovesStewie · 27/09/2021 05:54

Sorry I meant call today not tomorrow, obviously.

HoppingPavlova · 27/09/2021 05:59

A man I was close to has added me on Facebook and I've accepted fuck it.

No idea why you think throwing another man into the mix here would be a good thing? Maybe stay away from men/relationships until you have the current mess sorted, make your child the priority and also some programs where you learn to recognise unhealthy patterns, behaviours with relationships and are then able to go into the next one from a position of strength.

HoppingPavlova · 27/09/2021 06:02

I don't want the police here when I know full well how he's gonna react itll either me attack me the second he sees the car pull up outside or make a scene.

I imagine him making a scene in front of the police would be quite advantageous as they will record that and it can be used as evidence with future access/custody issues etc should he be difficult in this regard.

Mydogmylife · 27/09/2021 06:06

@minipie

All the people who are advising to call the police, see OP’s latest post where she says her partner may attack her if the police arrive.

But he's attacking her anyway!!!! Bite the bullet and GET RID!!!

Pinkspecs · 27/09/2021 06:30

You will need to record it with the police, otherwise it's just your word against his.
Violent men don't stop abusing when you split up with them.
You need to protect yourself and your child.

Theunamedcat · 27/09/2021 06:33

@NoLongerADoormat

I am trying to do it in a way without police involvement unless absolutely necessary. I don't want to flee, I'm gonna look into a non mol. I just hate him so fucking much he's asleep next to me in bed now and I just want to stand on his head. I hate this man and what he's done to me

Seriously why? You need evidence for a non mol not just your word he hit you at some point years ago you need to report this

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 27/09/2021 06:36

A man I was close to has added me on Facebook and I've accepted fuck it. Partner has me blocked on all socials anyway so I can do what I want.

You really need AT LEAST The Freedom Programme. This is a terrible decisions. Another man is not the answer to this.

Canii · 27/09/2021 06:45

Please be strong and get this man out of your life. Then sue him. Get police involved.
I don’t want to scare you but repeated blows to the head like this, will give you long term brain damage. How DARE HE do that to you! Talk to your GP and ask to be referred to a neurologist.

Cheeseplantboots · 27/09/2021 06:47

@minipie

All the people who are advising to call the police, see OP’s latest post where she says her partner may attack her if the police arrive.

That’s a risk she’s going to have to take. There’s no other way to get him out!

LoislovesStewie · 27/09/2021 06:53

I don't want the police here when I know full well how he's gonna react itll either me attack me the second he sees the car pull up outside or make a scene.
If he attacks the police he WILL be arrested, problem solved.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 27/09/2021 06:53

Most of these "men" don't attack the police or cause a scene. They only attack the person they think is vulnerable - which is rarely the police officer equipped with a radio, baton, captor spray, handcuffs and taser. If I had a penny for the amount of DV offenders who present a facade of total compliance to police having beaten the shit out of their partner in a rage, I'd be a wealthy woman.

MrsRussell · 27/09/2021 06:57

OP, please ring the police and make sure there is some sort of record in place of his assault.
If the authorities are aware that he's hurt you, they can get you an alarm and a SIG warning put on your house so the police know you're a priority if you do need to call them out.

Clarkey86 · 27/09/2021 06:59

You NEED to report it to the police now - if not for you, for your son in the future to support with your case against contact. Just think about that and be brave OP.

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 27/09/2021 07:13

@NoLongerADoormat

He assaulted you. Report it and change the locks (remember to do all of them front and back) police can sort a non molestion order if needed - change you mobile etc

Do it this morning it takes less then 5 minutes to change the lock

Report the assault and log it and have him charged

We can’t protect these men it comes back to bite us. He will kick off and you need everything ready.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 27/09/2021 07:16

The fact he has you believing that calling the police will make things worse is another form of abuse and control. You sound really brave, OP, even by just saying all this. You can find the strength to call the police too.

StaceysmomandIhavegotitgoinon · 27/09/2021 07:16

OP I am going to be honest here, you have to call the police. You have no choice. He is a violent thug and he will threaten you even if you do get the locks changed etc. You need to log this. Go to the GP, go to the police, go to the council - go everywhere you can and TELL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. I was in your position. My ex husband tried to kill me and I did not tell anyone and of course then when I finally got the balls to kick him out then nobody was on my side as he told them a totally different story. You need to do this for your child as well as yourself.

Offmyfence · 27/09/2021 07:18

The police need to be involved!

But forget SM and adding men on FB. Concentrate on this issue.

Borderterrierpuppy · 27/09/2021 07:25

Oh I am so sorry you are in this situation.
It’s good you are angry though that will help you kick this sorry arsehole out.
Speak to the police and women’s aid.
Don’t worry about causing a “scene” you didn’t he did.
Your 8 month old is scared of him and is better off without him.
You can do it and just think how lovely life will be when he is gone and you are safe xxxxxxx

DomPom47 · 27/09/2021 07:33

It takes guts to admit what is happening and take action to change your situation. It must be incredibly scary for you taking these steps. Just think a year from now you will be reading back this post or thinking about your life and seeing how much safer and happier your life will be. Stay strong despite the initial bumps in the road that you may have. 💐 a

thenewduchessofhastings · 27/09/2021 07:34

His mum says it's your fault he assaults you?;jesus;that speaks volumes about her and her expectations of men.

Whilst he is out of the house call the police;tell them he assaulted you and this isn't the first time;tell them you're scared to be there with him when they arrive because you think he'll attack you.

Once he's arrested he won't be able to come near you.Don't be scared but the police will contact social services to help safeguard your baby;they won't be trying to take your baby or accusing you of being a bad mum they'll be making sure he's not a danger to your child so either will ban contact or arrange suitable contact with him most likely supervised.

Once he's out the house,changed the locks,arrange for someone to collect his stuff and block his enabler mother.

RandomMess · 27/09/2021 07:36

As well as contacting woman's aid speak to national domestic violence helpline.

To prevent him have unsupervised contact with your child you will need to report him to the police.

It may be possible that you report him to the police then when he is arrested change locks and get your non-mol etc. As you said planning is key in such a volatile situation.

If you flee to a refuge for safety it we'll be that you can then get him out of the council house? Some thing to find out.

You can speak to the domestic violence team (or equivalent) at your local police and explain the situation to ensure your phone numbers and address are flagged.

The police could perhaps arrest him at work if you explain too.

Please put together essential documents such as birth certificates etc and keep them somewhere safe such as with family for safe keeping as you will need them if you flee.

Couchbettato · 27/09/2021 07:49

You NEED to report it to the police because this fucker will go for custody JUST to spite you in the face.

You need to report what has happened, you need to tell your doctor too, and you need every safeguarding lead possible to intervene so he doesn't get access to your baby in the long term.

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