I hate my DP. Finally.

[NoLongerADoormat]

It has happened. 3 years of financial abuse, isolation, shit self esteem and blows to the head I have realised I fucking hate my partner.

I don't actually know where to go from here. He punched me in the head on Monday then got his mum on the phone to tell me how nasty I am for carrying on an argument. He's in my house and every time I tell him to leave he says he's staying here for his son. I've waited ages for my house, it's council and I can't afford private especially not in this area.

What do I do. I don't want this waste of air in my house or in my life.

[Maddison12]

@NoLongerADoormat

I have an amazing family. Not any friends at the moment but I will be explaining my absence to all of them.

I just don't even know what the procedure would be for him for this behaviour I'm so naive. Would he go to prison? Or would he be bailed and then free to roam and attack me for "grassing him up"

He will most likely be charged and bailed pending further investigation, it should be part of his bail conditions to stay away from you/ your home. Don't know if he has previous for DV, if not it's very unlikely he'll go to prison.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I honestly don't know how I'm still alive but I am. Never thought I'd have the strength to leave him but I did. You can too, be strong

[maddening]

Do you have any cctv/ ring door bell etc, worth having evidence if he tries anything.

[FortunesFave]

even told me not to pick him up when he cries.

That's coersive control...and he's a child abuser too. Write it ALL down OP if you can....before you call Women's Aid. Call the police, report the punch.

They will send someone round to take a statement and then they'll arrest him.

He'll get prosecuted for it....he won't stay in prison, he'll be given a court date and most likely fined for his attack on you.

But you can then get a non-molestation order to make it a crime for him to come near your home or you.

[Greygreenblue]

I don’t think you are horrible at all for thinking it would be easier if he just died. It would.

In the meantime it is great to hear you have an amazing family. I know it is humiliating but after you talk to women’s aid in the morning, call them. Tell them. They will want to help. I’m sure they’ve noticed the change in you.

My sister had to leave her abusive alcoholic ex when my nephew was 10 months old. It was hard, it was humiliating and awful but she needed her family. I truely don’t think she would have successfully got out without family there. Even just to talk her down every time she started doubting herself. Also block him. You don’t want him trying to get in your head via phone - that was one of the big differences when my sister finally left. He destroyed her phone in argument so then couldn’t contact her directly. If you need to discuss the baby it can be via a 3rd party.

[bluebell34567]

in the meantime can you sleep in a spare room?
tomorrow morning when he is gone ring the police.
give your statement of abuse and ask for an injunction order so he cant approach you or your son. ask for a longer term.
ask him to be removed from the property immediately.
i dont think council will do the lock change so quickly, ask about it to the police.
either they will contact womens aid for you or you will have to do it.
after that i think you will have the support of womens aid.
good luck with it all.

[ButtonMoonLoon]

You must get his violence on record with WA and the Police. Do that ASAP. Also his lack of sensitivity and care towards you and your child.
If he happens to fight for unsupervised access to your baby that evidence will be vital. I would definitely get some family to come and stay with you for a few days if you can, and organise a lock change and step up your security. Extra locks on all doors, windows and gates and, if you can afford it a ring doorbell or similar.
Sending you strength to get through what you need to do over the coming days. You can do this!

[safclass]

Because that's what abusers do to their victims!! They take away their self confidence /belief, you feel shame, fear and tell lies rather than others knowing the truth. I'm assuming since the birth of your baby you're beginning to realise you can't live like this and bring up a baby in this environment. Your baby is making you a strong mum.
Get the police involved, speak with your family. Don't live like this anymore x

[NoLongerADoormat]

I've gone into DS's room for the night. I feel so much peace in here.
I would let him take my teeth out with pliers before I allowed unsupervised access and I mean that.

If I reported the DV as an emergency to the council they could the locks straight away I'd just have to pay for it which is fine.
I hate him so much he makes me feel so physically sick it is unbelievable. A man I was close to has added me on Facebook and I've accepted fuck it. Partner has me blocked on all socials anyway so I can do what I want.

[FortunesFave]

Tell the police first and then the council.

[crowsfeet57]

You'll need a crime reference to get an emergency lock change.

[Justilou1]

I grew up with violence. I can assure you that even if you can protect your child from the physical violence, the psychological damage will be extensive. You can’t protect him from that. The best thing you can do is have this man charged. Call the police as soon as you possibly can. Please.

[Lullsby]

Don’t get involved with another man right now. You are vulnerable

[Nat6999]

If your home is in your sole name you have nothing to worry about, report him to the police & then get the locks changed, get a chain on the door as well. Speak to your council & ask if they run a sanctuary scheme, if they do someone will come & put extra security devices in for you, alarms on all your windows, security lighting, extra locks on your doors. The police will accompany your partner to collect his belongings or you can arrange for him to collect them from outside your home. If you can afford it I would get CCTV cameras around your home, one on each outside door & one in the garden so you can always have evidence if he turns up causing trouble. You are doing the right thing.

[Colouringaddict]

You can change your own locks in a council property, but if you ever move it’s the keys for the new lock that you give back. You don’t need permission.

Time to take back your life and be the woman and mother you want to be.

Sending un-mumsnetty hugs x

[user1473878824]

Get the police involved and tell them everything. Document everything. Then you have that for when he demands access whether he wants it or not to control you.

[user1473878824]

Also it feels embarrassing and humiliating but it isn’t, it’s the start of not living like this any more and every single person you ask for help with this from Will understand completely.

[tolerable]

please search for your local domestic violence\womans aid asap. Tell them you require immediate support\help.....They will advise you AND support you. I get your reluctance bout police. ..be safe.x(ps- i hate him too)

[KittenKins]

He may react badly, my husband did, but the police managed it,. I don't mean to scare you but what makes you think a restraining order wouldn't annoy him? Many abusers are scared off when the police are involved.

I was told the fact I was the only one tenancy made things MUCH easier. If you aren't comfortable staying in the home alone after this you can be moved. Domestic violence is a priority.

Keep any text messages between you, even if you choose to not report right now.

Good luck whatever you choose, it's not easy but in the long term it's not acceptable, is it?

[Starlightstarbright1]

Because you have a child you really do need to inform the police.

As previously said it will help you get legal aid,

I was in a abusive relatiobship. He tookme to court. After a phonecall with Cafcass they took the fact he had a caution for assalt against me whilst my ds was in my arms seriously .

The police do have dedicated officers. My neighbour went through this process a few weeks ago. They ensured she was safe whilst arrested and his bail conditions are he isn't allowed on our street ot her Dads address.

[FavouriteMug]

You need to report to police.

You won't be able to ignore a court order if he wants access to his son after you split. You just won't.

So you need to get his violence on record now and get him out. Police will know exactly what to do.

[Orangejuicemarathoner]

@NoLongerADoormat

I am trying to do it in a way without police involvement unless absolutely necessary. I don't want to flee, I'm gonna look into a non mol. I just hate him so fucking much he's asleep next to me in bed now and I just want to stand on his head. I hate this man and what he's done to me

why on earth don't you want to involve the police? He has committed a crime. Report him

[ThorsLeftNut]

Why wouldn’t you involve the police, he’s abusing you in the home with your baby there?

Involve them to every extent you can!

[BunnytheFriendlyDragon]

You've had some food advice OP

I hope you find freedom and happiness.

[ChaToilLeam]

Please tell your family. You have nothing to be ashamed of and they will want to support you. Speak to the police and Women’s Aid too, there is help for you and you can get your life back, OP.

[Suitcaseseverywhere]

You need to report it.

And another man is not the answer.