Problems in bed made my OH obsessed with my past

[JLA19801]

Apologies for the personal nature of this - it’s a bit of a tough subject for me to talk about but I’m driving myself crazy!

My OH and I have a big issue in our relationship owing to the fact that I am unable to climax via penetration only. I have tried explaining to my OH that I have always had this problem, and in fact has led to years of disinterest in sex for me in the past.

My OH however thinks that I am lying and says that the reason why I have this problem is because of my past (the number and size of men I have slept with). To be clear, I wasn’t a virgin when I met him but I don’t have a significant past and this is all in his head. He has gone so far as scouring through my Facebook and seeing that I used to go out with friends and on holidays to say that I’m lying to him, and that he thinks that’s evidence that I used to be a ‘slut’ (his words) and that’s why I can’t now come through penetration alone with him.

It’s become a massive all consuming issue now - he then drinks and calls me all the names under the sun, is scouring through my past which is irrelevant to me as it didn’t cause my problems now. If I say he is being selfish he turns it on me and suggests I have something to hide!

I feel like I’m going crazy! I shouldn’t have to justify myself in this way….or should I? It’s important to me that he knows I want him and desire him, but I also can’t change the way my body is and he is so wrapped up in how he feels about it, he won’t try what’s needed to make things improve!!!

Any advice? Tia

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

It’ll tear them apart for me and their dad to separate

No it wont.

It really really won’t. In fact, seeing you stand up for your own wellbeing will do quite the opposite.

He sounds like an absolute cunt @JLA19801and I’d never be orgasming with him again through penetration or otherwise because he would never be coming near me again.

Studies show that only around 6% of women come through penetrative sex. So either- by your sack of shit of a boyfriend’s logic- 94% of all women have had their vaginas “used up” by having so many lovers, or it’s a very common thing that most women experience.

Honestly, the being a wanker about how many men I may or may not have fucked would be enough of a deal breaker for me, but calling you a slut and worse.... I would be running from this scumbag as fast as my legs could carry me. How fucking dare he? And aside from anything else, to say that the number of previous lovers you’ve had or the sizes of their cocks have made a difference to your ability to orgasm.... it just betrays a lack of basic biological knowledge which would bother me. So he’s thick as well as nasty.

I’ve slept with easily three times as many people as my husband- maybe more. I shagged everyone in my twenties (and fucking loved it). My husband knows this about me and couldn’t give a toss. In fact he’s said many times that I’m good in bed because I know what I’m doing and I know what I’m doing because I’ve had a lot of sex! To say this shouldn’t matter is putting it mildly. You know what else my husband doesn’t care about? How many times in my life I’ve been to Portsmouth. Or how many burritos I’ve eaten. Or how many Bond films I’ve seen. All about as relevant. The only time your current sexual partner should care about who you’ve slept with is if you did it whilst you were with them and you’d agreed to be monogamous. Otherwise it’s irrelevant.

Also, if he reckons his previous lovers have been coming through penetration alone, it suggests to me that they were faking it. Probably to get it over with as soon as possible if he’s as good at sex as he is charming.

So many red flags here that it’s fucking bunting.

I cannot say this loudly enough or more emphatically: LEAVE THE BASTARD. Never let him in your bed or your house or your life ever again. Fuck him.

@JLA19801

Yes, that’s me. I broke away but was persuaded to return for the sake of the children and on the promise that things would change but things are worse now than before.

We have children so the guilt is what drives me to put up with stuff. It’ll tear them apart for me and their dad to separate

In the short term they will be upset but get over it and as adults be proud you left an abusive man and removed them from a toxic environment instead of making them live in an abusive household, which (and I know this hurts to hear) is classified as abuse of them.

If you stay with him, in the long term they will likely repeat this cycle and end up in abusive relationships. And / or will resent you staying and distance themselves and their future children from you in the future.

Which outcome can you live with?

Yes, run. He's an abusive cunt. You deserve so much better! How dare he?!

You should leave him for your kids sake.
Otherwise they will grow up thinking abuse in relationships is normal and they should accept it.

A happy mum who takes no shit and who makes strong decisions to remove toxic men from her life is what they deserve. They deserve that example.

I would be heartbroken as an adult if my mum claimed she had stayed with her abuser on my behalf.

Yes, change is hard. But they deserve one safe space, free of him. And they deserve a happy mother, free of abuse.

Jesus fucking Christ. Leave this absolute weirdo

Using your kids as an excuse to remain with an abusive prick is absolutely the worst excuse ..

As others have said, it won’t tear your kids apart to see you separate @JLA19801. Kids aren’t daft, they know when bad stuff is happening. You think they don’t hear his rants or notice his moods and your fear of them? Of course they do! Children are only as happy as the homes they live in and the adults that they live with. You aren’t happy and he’s scum, so that will all filter into their environment and into how they feel.

It’ll tear them apart for me and their dad to separate.

It would be difficult for them for sure but they would survive. Your not staying for them, you’re staying because you’re scared. Which is ok but you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

Listen your kids will be fine IF he goes - men like this don’t leave easily.
He’s abusive - he treats you badly.
Well done for standing up to him.
I’d start letting others know - the GP - I’d call your local women’s aid branch too for support.
If he’s healthy in other ways and has the kids best interest at heart then you can handle it together by telling them Dads moving out but you both love them.
He may try and blame you - he may harass you once he’s gone - I’d involve the police if he shows any signs of violence to you.

Tonight he asked me to delete my Facebook account

Not surprised to hear this is in the context of all round abusive, controlling, unhinged behaviour.

He has massive issues, he's an abuser. They don't generally change, they're wired that way. That's been shown by what happened to date in your relationship ie he's even worse than when you separated before when he promised to stop.

You can live like that for kids. Youre not a martyr/sacrifice for your kids. Plus they'll twig, if they don't already, that he abuses you. You can be a happy single parent household. Its possible.

I have no doubt this man will accuse you of leaving him for someone else, being a slut blah blah because, as well.as pathological insecurity & jealousy, they can never own their behaviour and ots consequences.

You.cpuld do with help from WA (it doesn't matter if there's no physical.abuse) because this type can go mental.and nasty when you separate.

As i said before, i also get the strong impression he's got into red pill, incel culture online.

That's like anti vax stuff; few people ever get their head out of it once theyre involved.

Yes….he’s started watching videos on YouTube by Taylor the Fiend and Replicant Phish and some others and on researching them it’s definitely all this red pill stuff….he was like this anyway but it’s definitely making things worse

Also if your kids are so attached to him, he can do 50-50 residence, can't he.

He's not being removed from their life, he's still their Dad, he'll still see them as much as he wants, they'll still have their relationship. It's not the black or white scenario that seems to have been painted in your head. If he's a good father, he'll.see plenty of and spend plenty of time with his kids. That's his responsibility, not yours .. not when he's abusing you.

@JLA19801

Yes….he’s started watching videos on YouTube by Taylor the Fiend and Replicant Phish and some others and on researching them it’s definitely all this red pill stuff….he was like this anyway but it’s definitely making things worse

Lost cause.

It's a reflection of his character that he got into that stuff, it obviously resonates with him and appeals to him. A moderate, reasonable man would dismiss it. He's not.

Kids are much happier with separated parents than with a family where the mum is being abused. I know, I was that child. Your kids will be fine if you separated. It will destroy you if you stay. You matter, you need to role mode that to your children too.

Ps it's also evident all his ex partners have faked it if he thinks women cum so easily.

Red pullers are also borderline obsessed with a small study that found that found the more partners a woman had, the more likely she is to end up.divorced (if she marries obviously); so they're fixated on finding women who've had no or next to no partners (in many cases women who.lie well, I'd imagine).

The significant thing about this for me is that the study included men, and came to the same conclusion re men (more partners, more likelihood of divorce if marry) but they never ever ever refer to that part, ever.

Says it all, really.

They're also prone to some cracks pot, based on no real science (or on misinterpreted science) that every man a woman has sex with leaves some kind of dna footprint in her body).

It's all stuff that supports a sort of fundamental Islamic approach to women's sexuslity and bodies, while men's sexusl experience and behaviour is, of course, unscrutinised, irrelevant and unfettered.

If someone thinks that way, or comes to think that way, I doubt they're ever going to change.

*Red pillers, obviously

My OH and I have a big issue in our relationship owing to the fact that I am unable to climax via penetration only.

That’s not a problem, it’s totally normally and the majority of women can’t orgasm from penetration alone.

It’s just a convenient excuse for your DP to carry on his jealousy and obsession with your past. You need to leave him, I had an ex like this, it doesn’t get better.

How long did you know him before you had children?

(You said he wasnt like this before you had them, or you didn't see it anyway).

I always find it ironic that after women hafe made the most incredible level of commitment to a man and made themselves very vulnerable by having his children (more than marriage which can be dissolved) ... men like this conversely (when he should be assures of her commitment & investment) start showing the obsessive jealousy and control.

Presumably its because the woman is pretty trapped in their eyes, so they reckon now they can get what they want in the relationship, get her in the box they want her in.

(Also perhaps the commitment on their part makes them fixate on the fear being cuckholded or something.

A sad irony that they end up abusing their partner's abd mothers of their kids, and of causing the break up they (apparently) didn't want.

If you have children does he not thing that might have impacted your body more than sex with a man with a big dick?

@JLA19801

Yes, that’s me. I broke away but was persuaded to return for the sake of the children and on the promise that things would change but things are worse now than before.

We have children so the guilt is what drives me to put up with stuff. It’ll tear them apart for me and their dad to separate

things are worse now than before

Sadly that's inevitable. Every time you show acceptance of a certain level bad behaviour the abuser knows they have won and they can ramp things up a notch. And when you accept that it will get worse again. And again and again until you have the strength to end it. Or you die.

If you won't end this for your own sake please consider doing it for your DC. Every day you stay with this man and accept his behaviour you are showing them what to expect from a life partner. If you have boys they will be learning how to treat a woman. If you have girls they will be learning what to expect and accept from a man.

If you won't end this for your own sake please consider doing it for your DC. Every day you stay with this man and accept his behaviour you are showing them what to expect from a life partner. If you have boys they will be learning how to treat a woman. If you have girls they will be learning what to expect and accept from a man.

Absolutely this. Please don't leave them that legacy.

“says that the reason why I have this problem is because of my past (the number and size of men I have slept with)”

If not for all the many reasons that everyone above has already given you, then you need to also leave him for being so stupid! How does he think that women work? That we can only have sex so many times in a lifetime or with men with small willies before our fannies get worn out and don’t work anymore?! Where on earth has he “learnt” this from and how can you even bear to go near such an odious misogynist?!

Leave OP. No trust there at all.