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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Problems in bed made my OH obsessed with my past

188 replies

JLA19801 · 26/09/2021 16:24

Apologies for the personal nature of this - it’s a bit of a tough subject for me to talk about but I’m driving myself crazy!

My OH and I have a big issue in our relationship owing to the fact that I am unable to climax via penetration only. I have tried explaining to my OH that I have always had this problem, and in fact has led to years of disinterest in sex for me in the past.

My OH however thinks that I am lying and says that the reason why I have this problem is because of my past (the number and size of men I have slept with). To be clear, I wasn’t a virgin when I met him but I don’t have a significant past and this is all in his head. He has gone so far as scouring through my Facebook and seeing that I used to go out with friends and on holidays to say that I’m lying to him, and that he thinks that’s evidence that I used to be a ‘slut’ (his words) and that’s why I can’t now come through penetration alone with him.

It’s become a massive all consuming issue now - he then drinks and calls me all the names under the sun, is scouring through my past which is irrelevant to me as it didn’t cause my problems now. If I say he is being selfish he turns it on me and suggests I have something to hide!

I feel like I’m going crazy! I shouldn’t have to justify myself in this way….or should I? It’s important to me that he knows I want him and desire him, but I also can’t change the way my body is and he is so wrapped up in how he feels about it, he won’t try what’s needed to make things improve!!!

Any advice? Tia

OP posts:
minatrina · 26/09/2021 16:41

I don't think there's much fixing this one, OP. He sounds like a textbook misogynist. I really recommend you run ASAP.

waybill · 26/09/2021 16:42

It won't be long before he starts to question you when you're going out with friends. Why are you wearing that, where are you going, who with, etc etc etc and he'll start accusing you of sleeping around behind his back.

He won't change, he thinks you are a liar, doesn't trust you, and you are never going to get him to change his mind about your past, whatever you say.

So there's only one thing to do really.

Dump him.

PhillMcCann · 26/09/2021 16:43

Jesus Christ.

Apart from being an abusive, controlling prick he's clearly watched far too much porn where simply inserting a penis results in instant orgasm Hmm. In reality, many women don't orgasm from penetrative sex alone.

Dump him and run, fast. This will only get worse. I really hope you don't have children with this loser.

thelastgoldeneagle · 26/09/2021 16:43

Fuck's sake. Dump this abusive, negging, controlling creep right now! How very dare he?

Most women don't climax with just penetration. Sounds like he's shit in bed as well as the rest.

Run far away. You deserve better!

3beesinmybonnet · 26/09/2021 16:44

Presumably he's never heard of the clitoris never mind knowing where it is. So he's crap in bed but instead of asking how to please you he says you're the problem, invades your privacy and insults you.

He sounds horrible, and extremely selfish. Honestly just LTB.

samwitwicky · 26/09/2021 16:44

This man doesn't care for you. Sex is not a 2-way thing for him.

LTB.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/09/2021 16:45

Leave the abusive twat.

A man could have a cock four inches across with an onboard motor and it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference when he's shit in bed and a lousy excuse for a human being.

This is him being a) anxious about his penis size (it's a small and skinny one, isn't it?) and b) deflecting his anxieties about penis size in favour of non science and misogyny as he clearly has no idea about female anatomy and physiology.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/09/2021 16:45

He calls you a slut, suggests you can't climax because of your what? Baggy fanny? That's what number and size of previous men is meant to suggest (not that that's how it works anyway 🙄)

The only advice I can offer is leave the nasty, spiteful, inadequate, misogynistic arsehole.

spotcheck · 26/09/2021 16:45

Replace this man with a vibrator

OrangeTortoise · 26/09/2021 16:46

This is horrendous OP. You do NOT need to put up with this.

DuzzyFucked · 26/09/2021 16:47

OP.... because you can't orgasm through sex he's taken it upon himself to ease his own insecurities that he isn't man enough by being a verbally abusive, controlling ass, amongst other things.

You need to leave. Like now.

It won't get better

girlmom21 · 26/09/2021 16:50

My OH however thinks that I am lying and says that the reason why I have this problem is because of my past (the number and size of men I have slept with).

Tell him it's not your fault he's got a little penis, once he's packed his bags and left your house.

ImSoMagical · 26/09/2021 16:50

I have never ever climaxed through penetration with any partner and none of them have ever had a problem with that, they've found other ways! The problem is your partner and his abusive behaviour.

usernameorlan · 26/09/2021 16:50

Could be any number of reasons for his behaviour OP.

  1. Projection - He is cheating and sleeping around
  2. Insecurity - He is blaming you for what he views as his shortcomings. He sees not being able to get you off via PIV because he watches a lot of porn and wants to blame you for it.

Either or OP, he's an abuser and you need to skedaddle. Don't put up with people calling you vile misogynist names. The relationship is over.

Dery · 26/09/2021 16:56

Agree with all PP. He's a nasty piece of work - probably way too used to porn - and you need to get rid.

On a separate note, I think it's a terrible shame that you ever thought your failure to orgasm through penetrative sex alone was a problem you had and that it resulted in a disinterest in sex which lasted for years. As PP have said - many, quite possibly most, women cannot orgasm through penetration alone. I know I can't. And after all - why would we even have a clitoris (an organ whose sole purpose is to provide sexual pleasure) if we could all just orgasm through penetration. Most men who have any sexual experience at all actually know this or are willing to be educated about this.

It sounds to me like you could do with learning some more about female pleasure so that you get over the thought that this is a problem with you and can start to learn what feels good for you.

Marineboy67 · 26/09/2021 16:57

Oh dear how sad....he clearly needs to self evaluate and learn the art of the magic 8 and extended foreplay. And what an insecure fool blaming your previous experiences on his own short comings. Horrible to calling you a slut because he can't make the effort to pleasure you. Honestly unless he's prepared to change get rid of him. It's not right or acceptable what he's doing to you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/09/2021 16:58

I honestly would leave a man who called any woman a 'slut' let alone me. It's an easy telltale sign of angry little misogynists who think sex is something men do to women and women do for men, not something two people do together on an equal footing.

He's watched too much porn and is angry your body doesn't react the way he's watched in porn. By actors. Who are being paid to fake it regardless of their actual enjoyment level, or lack thereof.

Angry little misogynists like him don't deserve to be in relationships. They are dangerous because they are angry and hate women.

Also hilarious they seem to think if a woman was to shag 200 men in her life it would somehow affect her vagina in a way that shagging the same man 1000s of times wouldnt... because you see it isn't about a woman's body at all, it's about their own hatred of all women.

If you were squirting all over the shop and screaming like a porn star he'd call you a slut too. He wouldn't want you to enjoy it "too" much.

Please do yourself a favour and bin this loser, this relationship shouldn't even be something you're considering pursuing.

Boredhimtodeath · 26/09/2021 16:58

Was he a virgin when you met? Or has he only slept with women willing to fake it for him?

userxx · 26/09/2021 16:59

Why are you even entertaining this behaviour? He sounds like a complete twat.

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/09/2021 17:00

I read a survey many years ago that 75% of women don't climax through penetration alone, it's a well known fact

Also he's an utter cock please pass that on from me

ChickNorris · 26/09/2021 17:00

I cannot even begin to imagine how he can possibly think that the 'number and size of men' could lead to this 'issue'.

There isn't a solution. I strongly suggest you redirect your own thinking from how to make it work to leaving this stupid man.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 26/09/2021 17:00

I have tried explaining to my OH that I have always had this problem, and in fact has led to years of disinterest in sex for me in the past.

OP, what are your own beliefs about sex? As lots of PPs have said, it's not a problem for a woman not to be able to climax from penetration alone, it's completely normal (it's unusual, in fact, for a woman to be able to do so!). Where did you learn about sex?

Have you ever had a partner who was any good in bed? From what you've written above it sounds like you've only been with men who are rubbish at sex, there are plenty of ways to enjoy an orgasm that aren't penetration but if you've lost interest that suggests you've only been with selfish, porn-obsessed idiots who don't understand the female body.

GoingOutOutNEVER · 26/09/2021 17:02

Would a woman judge a man over their sexual history? Doubtful.
He doesn’t sound like he trusts you an awful lot, so you want to be with him knowing that he calls you names, doesn’t trust you and certainly isnt respectful of you.

usernameorlan · 26/09/2021 17:03

I honestly would leave a man who called any woman a 'slut' let alone me.

Hear hear! Huge red flag in a man. He may not be calling you the same names but he's obviously a misogynist.

Chloemol · 26/09/2021 17:04

Leave
It is not going to get any better, n fact it’s likely to get worse

His issue, not yours