Where do they hide the normal men?

[Ihaveroyallyscrewedup]

Is there some island they all live on, some secret place only a few know of?
The most recent seemed like a safe bet, known each other for many years, well enough to know a fair amount of detail about each other’s lives. In that time he’s always seemed stable, good job, own house, two children he has three days a week, wise enough to have asked my advice before he has taken action because he has recognised he may be unreasonable and being a dick. For reasons which are irrelevant we have never dated but there has always been chemistry so we found ourselves in a place where we think ok let’s date and suddenly he’s turned in to this unreliable, non communicative man who treats a suggestion of lunch as if you had just proposed marriage, buying a house and having triplets all at the same time!
So time to throw this one back which is a shame as we have been friends a long time.

@BreadPita

And I actually agree that men are different and have different preferences but that’s the point isn’t it . Women are constantly scrutinised and under the pressure to look good . Sure it will vary but there’s several things that the vast majority like , some thag can be controlled some that can’t
Clear good skin
Shapley body
Young
Hairless
Nice hair
Then on top of that men will be individually scrutinising other parts that appeal individually ,

I just do not get why someone would think all that is not a lot more pressure than the height SOME women want

None of us are going to appeal to everyone

why can’t women have a preference for a taller man if many men prefer younger women

Not answering your question because as far as I'm concerned everyone is welcome to have any preference they choose, but it should be noted that every older woman was once young whereas every short man was never tall.

ANd when those women were young they were having to live with all the other preference men have way beyond height

I totally agree anyone can Have whatever pretences they like and women can certainly prefer tall men if they like

It’s really the same as asking why can’t women Prefer taller men if men prefer women with pretty faces ( or insert preference )

Has anyone got some paracetamol ?

Come on .. let's not go round in circles
We are all flawed , there are good and bad in everyone , we are all entitled to like what we like , I would take kind , honest decent over tall rich and smarmy anyday

If we are blessed we find the lid for our pot
If we are lucky we find some happiness that may or may not be happy ever after
If we are unlucky we need to behave like adults and part company with dignity
As Ariana would say " NEXT ! "

Just a thought on some pp's saying they know good men who cant find a woman.

And equally I can provide long winded anecdotal stories of some epically crap behaviour by some single 40s something women who were outwardly seemingly nice. It's a bit daft to be projecting your experiences too far on the wider population. Men do not have a monopoly on shit behaviour although I appreciate that would not be a welcome view here.

@Kittenlittlen

It’s really the same as asking why can’t women Prefer taller men if men prefer women with pretty faces ( or insert preference )

This analogy works much better.

@DillonPanthersTexas

Just a thought on some pp's saying they know good men who cant find a woman.

And equally I can provide long winded anecdotal stories of some epically crap behaviour by some single 40s something women who were outwardly seemingly nice. It's a bit daft to be projecting your experiences too far on the wider population. Men do not have a monopoly on shit behaviour although I appreciate that would not be a welcome view here.

Well no, because the thread was created by a woman struggling to find a decent man, so anecdotes of women behaving badly in dating are somewhat irrelevant.

Fair enough. Please tell me why I can't get a nice guy to date me. Ps the answer must not include any reference to my own attitude , expectations or behaviour.

we found ourselves in a place where we think ok let’s date and suddenly he’s turned in to this unreliable, non communicative man who treats a suggestion of lunch as if you had just proposed marriage, buying a house and having triplets all at the same time!

He may just be scared.

Well no, because the thread was created by a woman struggling to find a decent man, so anecdotes of women behaving badly in dating are somewhat irrelevant.

My point was that one needs to be careful not to project too far personal anecdotes of piss poor behaviour onto a wider population. This site is dominated by women so it is a bit inevitable that there are regular 'why do men so x' type of threads where it becomes a bit of an echo chamber creating a potentially skewed narrative. I have said the same things on male dominated forums where 40 something blokes fed up with OLD are wondering where all the 'normal' women are. It too easily descends into all men/women are X.

It too easily descends into all men/women are X

I think it was mentioned above that people tend to do this as it is more comfortable to believe.

Where do they hide the normal men?

Same place they hide the 'normal' women, not on Mumsnet.

I spent a lot of time in predominantly female offices and found some of them to be pretty horrible places with attitudes and language that would be an embarrassment to anyone.

There are a lot of nice men as there are a lot of nice women. If he's not been dating for a while it may suddenly be quite a scary shock, especially if you were friends before.

I do know 2 single men (50s) who are not dreadful people - one looked after an elderly parent during a long terminal illness and by the time they finally passed, everyone else was paired off. Another divorced because his DW had a drug addiction she wasn't able to overcome. I also know one man who was (very sadly) widowed young. All seem decent, kind, stable men. But tbh, they are in the minority - most divorced men I know were divorced for a bloody good reason. I sympathise with any straight woman looking for a relationship in her 40s, 50s and beyond.

Surely most men are 'normal', by definition. A lot of men may not suit a lot of women (and vice versa) - it was ever thus, and surely not a surprise to anyone?

This debate is pointless in my view. Of course there will he a smaller pool of available members of the opposite sex as people get older- that's just simple maths. Therefore even fewer partners that might suit.

Theres no evil plot making men (or women) into bad partners. But the vagaries of life may well make older people more aware of their boundaries, more aware of what they want and don't want from a partner, more burnt by life events, more tied by children or caring duties, more set in their ways, less attractive than they once were etc etc.

I was talking to an over 50s divorced male friend recently. His view was that all the women he meets have 'issues' (well yes, they have had life experiences and are probably post divorce). He's gone from wanting a new partner to just wanting a bit of fun and is seeing a married woman who has gone off sex with her husband, amongst others. Back in the day I'd have seen him as a normal man but he's jaded by his experiences, I suppose. Like many women on here.

I am friends with three long term single men in their 50s.

First - lived with and cared for his mum after his dad died until she also died and kind of missed the boat. He tends to regard women as an unfathomable problem to be solved rather than people.

Second - places value on looks and body size above all else. To him, the woman you 'have' is a reflection of your own personal worth and measure of your success in life. He is still chasing women half his age and who will never be interested. He has let some really lovely women go over the years because they didn't look like the sort of woman he believed he deserved. As a friend he is lovely. As a boyfriend though...

Third - finds it difficult to relate to women he is romantically/sexually interested in. He just becomes awkward and weird! He and I get on brilliantly because he doesn't fancy me! If he could be the way he is with me with women he did like, he'd have no problem.

Three single men in their 50s who are each putting women off in their own way.

@Journeyofthedragons

It too easily descends into all men/women are X

I think it was mentioned above that people tend to do this as it is more comfortable to believe.

I disagree. The most comfortable thing would be to be able to believe that bad experiences are the exception.

Interesting thread.

Upcycling?

Agree conversation is pointless. It's gone on for probably hundreds/ thousands of years though!

The male poster on the thread or maybe there was more than one. Very interesting and eye opening to read their views.

In the end people are people. The sexes aren't different species.

The male poster clearly saw it that way though! And his statements about what women like etc were to me just really weird! He obviously was very certain of their truth though.

In the end.
Anyone who sees the opposite sex as totally alien. Is going to have difficulty meeting someone. Because they think that women are fundamentally different in really essential ways.

And how do you get chatting to, go on dates with people who you assume you essentially have nothing in common with? The conversation isn't going to flow really, is it...

When you get a bit older. I think a big problem is that men seem to still want young women.

I've seen loads that if you're eg 40, on dating sites etc. The men up to about 50 want younger than you. And you're in the age group for men who are much older.

And that's just silly.

Why do so many men have such unrealistic expectations? Even in real life. When you're 20 men of 50 who are not attractive deciding to chat you up.

That's pretty weird.

Why do so many men have such unrealistic expectations? Even in real life. When you're 20 men of 50 who are not attractive deciding to chat you up

When I was a recent grad finding my way in the world after uni it was not uncommon to see the pretty 20something women in my peer group date 40+ men. They often claimed they found the more confident, assured and mature men very attractive. I'm sure the European city breaks, fine dining and designer gifts had nothing to do with it. None of these relationships ever lasted more then several months but it seemed both parties knew exactly what they were doing and the temporary nature of it. Certainly in my experience older more 'successful' men can 'try it on' with younger women because there is a very real chance they will succeed. How many threads on the relationship boards do you see relating to questions over 'age gaps'

I was on some Facebook page when someone asked the ' Where are all the nice guys' question. A lot of the responses said some version of ' in your friendzone'. I had to Google that word!

@Abhannmor

I was on some Facebook page when someone asked the ' Where are all the nice guys' question. A lot of the responses said some version of ' in your friendzone'. I had to Google that word!

When men stop putting women in the fuckzone and treating us according to whether they want to sleep with us or not we will stop friendzoning them Any guy complaining that he only ‘gets ‘ friendship instead of the sex he thinks he deserves is not a good guy There’s no good guys complaining about friendzoning

[quote Fireflygal]@Choccy01, what issues have you encountered when women?[/quote]
I didn't have issues per se as only dated a few but more the fact it was clear there were underlying issues.

One woman I dated had a habit of drinking too much, I think it happened three times in the few months we dated. She left herself potentially vulnerable in my view.

Another seemed to have a pattern of having a good first few weeks/ months but then something would happen and she then seemed to react pretty strongly. Especially when considering only been dating 6-8 weeks.

Maybe a lot of good sjngle men / women like the idea of a relationship but can't face going through the level of compromise/ challenges that come with a committed relationship. As they'd rather be single than do that, I'm talking here about people that have previously had long term relationships / marriages.