Where do they hide the normal men?

[Ihaveroyallyscrewedup]

Is there some island they all live on, some secret place only a few know of?
The most recent seemed like a safe bet, known each other for many years, well enough to know a fair amount of detail about each other’s lives. In that time he’s always seemed stable, good job, own house, two children he has three days a week, wise enough to have asked my advice before he has taken action because he has recognised he may be unreasonable and being a dick. For reasons which are irrelevant we have never dated but there has always been chemistry so we found ourselves in a place where we think ok let’s date and suddenly he’s turned in to this unreliable, non communicative man who treats a suggestion of lunch as if you had just proposed marriage, buying a house and having triplets all at the same time!
So time to throw this one back which is a shame as we have been friends a long time.

Ive given up even attempting to look...my ex looked 'normal' and amazing from the outside of the relationship and i was fooled for many years from inside the relationship, i cant be bothered to put that much time and effort in to eventually find out their true inner troll self again.

I've just been through a break up.

So there's another middle aged, obese, giant toddler with a drink problem on the market.

Any takers?

@ReallyNeedToPrioritiseMe

I think normal men may be scared of doing the wrong thing these days. I have three sons, older ones are 23 and 19, and they’ve both expressed anxiety about dating.

Just advise them to treat people (women) how they would like to be treated, with respect. That's it. Not hard.

They’re taken or gay.

@ReallyNeedToPrioritiseMe

I think normal men may be scared of doing the wrong thing these days. I have three sons, older ones are 23 and 19, and they’ve both expressed anxiety about dating.

How odd.

I also think the definition of normal is a fluid one— I know plenty of guys you would think of as normal— been married a fair number of years, work in professional jobs, definitely not losers— between them all there have been several affairs, one who was using hookers, one who kept his wife really short of cash as a new mum whilst having plenty himself— and I also know a fair few women who have done some pretty horrible things to . You really never know what goes on in other relationships that seem very ‘normal’

@MoneyMachine, I think women are generally more open to discussing their issues, either with a partner or friends so take on board feedback. I'm not saying women can't be an issue but generally women tend to work on relationships more than men.

You see relationship posts on MN and women will ask "Is it me?" "What can I do to fix this?". It's rarer for men (generally) to approach relationship issues in a similar way.

@FanGirlX, thanks for the laugh!

I’m with pp who have said that women go and self reflect after a breakup, men don’t. I separated from my H 3.5 years ago. I’ve been to therapy, read countless books, written journals, listened to podcasts etc to try and find out where we both went wrong and what I can do to ensure I heal and learn from my mistakes. My H, still absolutely no self awareness, still blames me for everything and seems to have learned nothing. He will bring the same crap into his next relationship.

@middlingmess

Yep, all the nice normal guys have lovely marriages as they find nice normal women to get hitched to.

I think because of my upbringing I had attachment issues and married someone similar...now I'm divorced and had sorted my own issues out, I can't find similar!
A lot of men don't seem to own/or want to sort out their issues, they just bounce from woman to woman.

There are as many women as men who bounce from one relationship to another and don't "sort out their issues".

I think people find it comforting in a way to think that all the "normal" people are unavailable because they are locked away in happy relationships. It excuses us from making poor decisions and failing to find a good match. But it's just not true.

Many people are entering and leaving relationships for many reasons all of the time. Many people are also looking for a partner within an extremely small pool of people.

There is actually no such thing as a "normal" person.

You just have to keep looking. Eventually you will find someone you click with. It takes time because there are a lot of people out there.

I think there are probably more men out there like that than you think, but they often don’t tick the boxes that women don’t talk about - money, looks, height, charisma etc

Yes. I know so many people who have a long list of things they expect in their partner (which incidentally, they rarely live up to themselves).

It is a fantasy. They date a few good looking people who turn out to be awful and then throw in the towel and say there are "no good men" out there, but it's because they're limiting themselves to people who look like models or are very rich, etc.

If people could be a bit open-minded they would be much more likely to find someone. You also have to think about what you are bringing to a relationship. Why will your perfect partner want YOU?

@Ihaveroyallyscrewedup

Yes, we are all on a hidden island that you need Captain Jack Sparrow’s compass to find.

I was being lighthearted but if you could send a map I would be delighted.

My response was obviously just a joke, but it does sometimes feel true.

IRL, with my job, hobbies etc etc I never really cross paths any women, let alone any single women that might be interested in talking to me, and yet on this forum there seems to be pages and pages of single women bemoaning a lack of men.

Are all the single women on Themyscira ? and do any of you have a map ?

@Fireflygal

I think men don't deal with their issues in the same way women do. Lots of reasons for it but in my experience it's ego and entitlement .There is no doubt a similar amount of women with issues but the power imbalance in society means we tend to look inside for solutions.

Good men stay in relationships as they have the skills to make it work.

Sort of agree and disagree. The best man in the world can’t make it work if the woman in the relationship decides that she’s not naturally monogamous and needs “fresh” limerant romance that the decade-old partner can’t provide. Sort-of the inverse of the middle-aged guy needing a woman half his age, I guess.

That said, despite friends and relatives exasperatingly telling me that a guy like me would be considered a catch… yeah, I’ve got emotional baggage. It’s inevitable after the shit-storm I went through when I ended our marriage. I have severe trust issues (not stalker-like, more run at the first sign a women shows interest in me) and I don’t even know what a relationship is worth anymore. To paraphrase Foreigner: I want to know what love is, but I don’t want anyone to show me.

I’d love to be able to just “sort it” but it’s really not that simple. For one thing therapy is expensive and the cost of living is going up. Secondly, co-parenting currently keeps offering opportunities for life to keep punching me with fresh revelations: every time the kids mistakenly call me by the other man’s name, for example.

Given time, I’m sure I’ll sort myself out. But it’ll probably be a good few years yet.

I wonder if those saying that the married men are normal see the irony of doing this on a forum where the majority of the men talked about on the relationship boards are utter bastards.

If this is your bar for being normal.

TossaCointoYerWitcher

and don't even mention those women that are abusive.

Apparently the men should just make it work.

@TossaCointoYerWitcher. Got to like a man that can quote Foreigner!!

I was being light hearted with the title, I don’t believe I’m perfect and yes it’s a case of finding someone who you fit with, I’m not looking for some fantasy with unrealistic expectations.
I’m more questioning behaviours I’ve seen and experienced, people behave in a particular way then for no apparent reason change/won’t discuss the change/pretend things are fine/don’t end the relationship if it’s not working.

@JustAnother0ldMan
I do spend a bit of time on Amazon 🤣

A lot of women spend their 20s walking stpast decent and into the arms of good-lookingbor rich arseholes.

They then reach 30 are still single and complains that all the good ones have gone.

Meanwhile the ordinary decent men (of which there are far more than many women care to admit) have settled down and are quietly building strong marriages.

I always find it funny when single women in their 40s yell 'all the good ones are married' with no sense of irony at all.

Sorry for awful typing- on phone.

Yep, I still vaguely live in hope, however, met some men with issues and baggage over the last 14 years that I've been single. I think it's luck of the draw, better chance of meeting a good one when young, but if you pick a wongun and waste too much time on it, you can end up missing the good ones by the time youve realised and got out.
The ones left can be ok for a while, but then it's best to move on when the mask slips, Next!

I wonder if those saying that the married men are normal see the irony of doing this on a forum where the majority of the men talked about on the relationship boards are utter bastards.

Quite

Hiding from you?

@RickySpanishhh

Hiding from you?

Hahah...the irony is astounding

@EmRata95

A man who does not oggle young women on insta/ticktock etc, who has no intention of cheating, who actually cares about people besides himself, who does his fair share of housework and child rearing is so rare, there's probably more chance of me winning the euro millions than finding one.

Can you just imagine if en masse women started ogling ‘barely legal teens’ and refusing to do a fair share of housework or childrearing