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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner angry about his food serving

297 replies

vinballs · 18/09/2021 20:24

Please tell me if I am BU.

For context, my partner has a small appetite, rarely finishes the food on his plate, I normally always eat more than him.

We have been out and just got home, I told him on the way home I was starving.

Our dinner for this evening was preplanned, filled pasta, drained and served with pan fried cherry tomatoes and mushrooms and then a pesto and crepe fraiche sauce stirred in, topped with Parmesan and served with garlic bread.

In the car home I had said that I would cook both packs of pasta and he said, good idea as one pack isn't really big enough for two but too much for one.

So we arrive home and I cook dinner, I served up two generous portions and there were about 3 pieces of pasta left so I put them into my bowl and truly thought he wouldn't even finish his serving.

I put them on the table but the wrong way around and said "oh sorry, I put a bit more in mine as I'm so hungry". He looked put out, so I apologised and said, you're welcome to it, honestly it's no big deal, I just didn't think you would eat it all. He refused, so I ate mine.

I could tell he was pissed off as he went quiet and cold and left food on his plate. So I asked him if he hadn't enjoyed his dinner and he said he's pissed off with me, that he would never do that to me and it was so rude to take a bigger serving. So I said sorry again, and it honestly was a split moment decision after I had already served two generous portions. I reminded him that I said at the time, it's no big deal you have got the big portion.

He then said I served him up "the scraps", all the mushrooms and tomatoes but I honestly didn't. It was two equal and large portions,

With hindsight, I should have served up and said there's a few bits left, do you want them? But it was a genuine split second decision and not malicious or calculated at all, which he seems to be implying.

We had a huge row on Thursday night because he was angry that when he likes to chat about the news or TV programmes that are on, I don't chat back and seem irritated. To be fair, I am, he continually asks questions and asks me to pause and rewind even when I've answered him. I just want to watch the bloody programme.

Anyway, he's upset me with a huge over reaction to three bits of pasta and I got upset and went upstairs.

He's come up since I started this post to make up and I said to him. I apologised before either of us had taken a mouthful and offered him the bigger plate. It pisses me off that he let me eat it and then causes a drama. Apparently that's the wrong answer. I should accept his approach to reconcile. I was in the wrong, I've behaved badly, I'm rude, I deliberately served him a quarter bowl of food and took the rest. What's wrong with you?

He's ranting now, I've locked myself in the bathroom and he's shouting outside that I think I'm perfect and a drama queen. I'm shit at relationships. It's my way or the way.

I know I made an initial mistake but really this is horrific.

OP posts:
LittleEsme · 19/09/2021 07:30

OP updated under a new username @Vinballs2 - her phone logged her out and she couldn't get back into her account. She posted to say that she was back in her house and he would be sleeping in the spare bedroom.

Hope you're ok @vinballs @Vinballs2

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 19/09/2021 07:36

Thank you @LittleEsme, I've read the updates now.

OP, stay strong! You're so right, he has to go!

Starseeking · 19/09/2021 07:52

OP take a step back and look at the current situation.

You have told this man he needs to leave, and instead of being sorry and contrite, HE IS STILL RANTING AT YOU. He truly believes he's done nothing wrong.

You don't have to listen to his rubbish for a moment longer. Tell him he needs to go within the hour, and if he doesn't leave, you'll be calling the police to escort him out, then change the locks straight away. FOLLOW THROUGH IF HE DOESN'T GO IMMEDIATELY.

This type of abusive man can escalate to violence VERY quickly, especially now you have ended things he has nothing to lose from the relationship, as it's already gone.

Don't feel obligated to him, don't feel sorry for him, just get him out of your house and your life now. The relief and peace you will feel when he is gone will be immense.

WombatStewForTea · 19/09/2021 07:54

She has. OP has name changed

Bananalanacake · 19/09/2021 08:08

If he does accuse YOU of being abusive you say,,, yes I am and I won't change so you need to get away from me right now.

Cheeseburgerqueen · 19/09/2021 08:21

This behaviour reminded me so much of my ex. He used to rant at me for hours for something so trivial. Once he ranted at me for hours because we had ran out of margarine and therefore I had failed in my job as a woman to run the house. I locked myself in the room.
This is never okay and as much as you make excuses for them (oh he’s stressed at work, oh he was abused as a child that’s why he behaves like this - which is what my ex used to say), it never gets any better. They simply don’t see you as an equal in the relationship. Please leave, this is not any way to spend your life ❤️

irishoak · 19/09/2021 08:21

Christ, they're all so similar aren't they? Abusive men just seem to read from some secret shared script book. Reading OP's posts I was picturing my ex doing all of this, just his style!

OP don't make my mistake, I thought I was being kind and doing the right thing letting him stay while he was "looking for a place". He wasn't, he got worse, had to force him out a month later.

billy1966 · 19/09/2021 08:23

OP,

He is highly abusive with plenty of money.

Get him out of your house asap.

I wouldn't trust him for a minute.

Do not allow him a couple of days.

Tell him you want him up and out.

Please.

He is not good.

The television thing would drive anyone batshit.
Flowers

Thadhiya · 19/09/2021 08:27

@MatildaIThink

It is not about the pasta, it is not even about the TV shows, it is about communication. It seems he wants to communicate with you, to talk to you, to be considered in the relationship and you are not doing that.now without a fuller analysis of your relationship no one can be sure if it is you or him causing thr communication problems, but it is clear it is not about pasta.
Read the thread, for pity's sake, he hurls items and had her locked in the bathroom last night. Her posts show a pattern of abusive behaviour.
Thadhiya · 19/09/2021 08:32

@Vinballs2

Yes I feel safe, if I didn't I would call the police. I'm in my bedroom now and have listened to him rant and monologue with the basic theme being, I'm a bully asking him to move out and because I have the upper hand ie. it's my house I'm using it against him as he has to leave.

Apparently I'm in the wrong regarding the food portions, as there are protocols for serving food and I broke them, so anyone would feel the same as him. I pointed out I said sorry before either of us picked up a fork and offered him the bigger bowl, but he couldn't deprive me of my food but it still upset him! It's 3 pieces of pasta!

Hope you're OK today OP, and he's gone.

He really has a bee in his bonnet about you owning the home, doesn't he? "You have the upper hand..." Christ, they just can't cope with capable women.

If he can do this over a perceived imbalance of portion size, just imagine what he'd do over a real issue. He needs to be on some sort of list to warn any future partners.

Vinballs2 · 19/09/2021 08:33

Thank you for all your responses, I really needed to hear that this is unacceptable and not normal. Apparently he's never been like his with anyone else, I obviously drive him to it with my abusive ways, eg I call him out on it and won't pander to his unreasonable behaviour.

But of course, I have pandered to it for way too long, and tried to fix the unfixable.

My resolve is firm this morning, it's over and he is going. He runs his business from here and his tools etc are here, I'm happy to give him a couple of days but I promise you all. I am absolutely resolute this is over.

There is also so much more than I have shared on here, so your reactions to what I have posted says everything.

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 19/09/2021 08:36

He runs his business from here and his tools etc are here, I'm happy to give him a couple of days but I promise you all. I am absolutely resolute this is over.

Two days is far too generous OP abs from what you've posted on here, you've been more than generous already. I'd get someone to come and spend the day at your house with you and give him until 2pm.

Don't forget to change the locks as well.

SinoohXaenaHide · 19/09/2021 08:40

Glad you are ok OP. You are being too kind letting him have a couple of days - he could easily put his stuff in the nearest Big Yellow Storage Company today and go stay in a hotel room for a few nights while he sorts out something more permanent. Give him an inch and he'll take a mile and you do not wabt him deciding he is ok to stay put while he evicts his tenants from thd flat he owns - that could take months.

Thadhiya · 19/09/2021 08:47

After he's barked all the usual quotes at you - this is your fault, you've made me this way, you're the abusive one not me - he'll move on to personal attacks, and then the faux apologies, then back to attack about how you'll never meet 'anyone as good as him'.

They spend a lot of time convincing their partners this is normal, and that everyone is out there having 'little arguments' and you're being 'over dramatic' and 'making a big thing out of nothing' because you 'love being the victim'. This has the intended effect of making women not want to say anything or report. It's very believable, as we've all been conditioned from childhood not to 'make a big deal of' anything.

On the upside, the more he winds himself up and escalates, the more he'll say. One phrase, you might have forgiven. Maybe three. But now he's really let loose and been speaking his innermost thoughts for hours, chucking out all the accusations and insults, he veers into the unforgiveable and unforgettable.

category12 · 19/09/2021 08:48

He doesn't need to be in your house - he needs to stay elsewhere. If he can't work for a few days that's his problem - he just needs to pack up the essentials of what he needs for it and contact his clients or whatever to let them know there's a problem.

I really wouldn't let him stay a few days - he'll work on you to make you feel like it's all you and you're overreacting and it won't happen.

maddy68 · 19/09/2021 08:51

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Bluntness100 · 19/09/2021 08:57

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ScaredOfDinosaurs · 19/09/2021 08:59

Hope you are OK OP. Don't hesitate to call the police if he kicks off again, that's what they exist for. You deserve to be safe in your own home.

Flowers
Starseeking · 19/09/2021 09:05

@Vinballs2

Thank you for all your responses, I really needed to hear that this is unacceptable and not normal. Apparently he's never been like his with anyone else, I obviously drive him to it with my abusive ways, eg I call him out on it and won't pander to his unreasonable behaviour.

But of course, I have pandered to it for way too long, and tried to fix the unfixable.

My resolve is firm this morning, it's over and he is going. He runs his business from here and his tools etc are here, I'm happy to give him a couple of days but I promise you all. I am absolutely resolute this is over.

There is also so much more than I have shared on here, so your reactions to what I have posted says everything.

If you had to lock yourself in the bathroom to get away from him, are you planning to lock your bedroom door at night while you sleep because he is there???

Nobody should feel unsafe in their own home OP, you don't owe him any kind of courtesy after the way he has treated you.

I've just watched that chilling domestic abuse advert, and in your situation I wouldn't feel comfortable having this man within my safe haven for a moment longer than you need to.

If you do decide you are going to have him stay for a day or so, please do update the thread when he is gone, if only so we know you are safe. Your descriptions of your partner touched a core for me, and I really feel for you; I only experienced emotional abuse, but if I hadn't left that relationship when I did, I'm pretty sure it would have escalated physically.

coodawoodashooda · 19/09/2021 09:06

@RiotAtTheRodeo

Obviously he was gearing up for a fight and the rogue ravioli gave him the excuse he was looking for.

Do you think you're generally incompatible?

You are being trained to accept his chaotic arguing. I had thos. It is hard to spot because I didn't know that people behaved like that.
ChargingBuck · 19/09/2021 09:12

@maddy68

His reaction was bonkers. (although I get the feeling the argument wasn't about the portion, has something else been brewing ?)

It is actually rude to take the bigger portion you should have said this one has slightly more on which one do you want?

FFS

She did.

OP's not the one being rude here. Did you pop on just to victim-blame?

Ambo21 · 19/09/2021 09:12

Stay strong.
Stay safe.
You deserve so much more than this.

ChargingBuck · 19/09/2021 09:17

The two of you are incompatible.

Oh come on, @Bluntness100!

It's not "the two of them" - this awful man is incompatible with any woman, until he acknowledges & works on his anger & control issues.

Which is highly unlikely, as he simply has to be right, so is happy to concoct ridiculous reasons to make his g/f 'wrong'.

The only proper response to having a nice dinner cooked for you is "thank you".
The normal response to a mix-up over portions, or who is getting which plate, is "cheers love, thanks this is delicious".

CandyLeBonBon · 19/09/2021 09:19

@Bluntness100 were you there? No. So probably just best to accept the op's account and stop victim blaming. It doesn't actually matter how much pasta there was. It's irrelevant.

billy1966 · 19/09/2021 09:20

@Thadhiya

After he's barked all the usual quotes at you - this is your fault, you've made me this way, you're the abusive one not me - he'll move on to personal attacks, and then the faux apologies, then back to attack about how you'll never meet 'anyone as good as him'.

They spend a lot of time convincing their partners this is normal, and that everyone is out there having 'little arguments' and you're being 'over dramatic' and 'making a big thing out of nothing' because you 'love being the victim'. This has the intended effect of making women not want to say anything or report. It's very believable, as we've all been conditioned from childhood not to 'make a big deal of' anything.

On the upside, the more he winds himself up and escalates, the more he'll say. One phrase, you might have forgiven. Maybe three. But now he's really let loose and been speaking his innermost thoughts for hours, chucking out all the accusations and insults, he veers into the unforgiveable and unforgettable.

There is absolutely NO excuse for his behaviour whatsoever.

Do NOT give him a couple of days.

This is you trying to be nice to a person who caused you to lock yourself in your bathroom and locked YOU out of YOUR home.

Kindly OP, you are wrong.

Get him out today.
His business is not your concern.

He despises you.

Tell him you want him out and you will call the police to report him if he doesn't.

He is a nasty, abusive bully.

You did nothing wrong and any suggestion you did is just victim blaming which happens far too often on MN.

Get him out and stay safe.

Flowers