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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner angry about his food serving

297 replies

vinballs · 18/09/2021 20:24

Please tell me if I am BU.

For context, my partner has a small appetite, rarely finishes the food on his plate, I normally always eat more than him.

We have been out and just got home, I told him on the way home I was starving.

Our dinner for this evening was preplanned, filled pasta, drained and served with pan fried cherry tomatoes and mushrooms and then a pesto and crepe fraiche sauce stirred in, topped with Parmesan and served with garlic bread.

In the car home I had said that I would cook both packs of pasta and he said, good idea as one pack isn't really big enough for two but too much for one.

So we arrive home and I cook dinner, I served up two generous portions and there were about 3 pieces of pasta left so I put them into my bowl and truly thought he wouldn't even finish his serving.

I put them on the table but the wrong way around and said "oh sorry, I put a bit more in mine as I'm so hungry". He looked put out, so I apologised and said, you're welcome to it, honestly it's no big deal, I just didn't think you would eat it all. He refused, so I ate mine.

I could tell he was pissed off as he went quiet and cold and left food on his plate. So I asked him if he hadn't enjoyed his dinner and he said he's pissed off with me, that he would never do that to me and it was so rude to take a bigger serving. So I said sorry again, and it honestly was a split moment decision after I had already served two generous portions. I reminded him that I said at the time, it's no big deal you have got the big portion.

He then said I served him up "the scraps", all the mushrooms and tomatoes but I honestly didn't. It was two equal and large portions,

With hindsight, I should have served up and said there's a few bits left, do you want them? But it was a genuine split second decision and not malicious or calculated at all, which he seems to be implying.

We had a huge row on Thursday night because he was angry that when he likes to chat about the news or TV programmes that are on, I don't chat back and seem irritated. To be fair, I am, he continually asks questions and asks me to pause and rewind even when I've answered him. I just want to watch the bloody programme.

Anyway, he's upset me with a huge over reaction to three bits of pasta and I got upset and went upstairs.

He's come up since I started this post to make up and I said to him. I apologised before either of us had taken a mouthful and offered him the bigger plate. It pisses me off that he let me eat it and then causes a drama. Apparently that's the wrong answer. I should accept his approach to reconcile. I was in the wrong, I've behaved badly, I'm rude, I deliberately served him a quarter bowl of food and took the rest. What's wrong with you?

He's ranting now, I've locked myself in the bathroom and he's shouting outside that I think I'm perfect and a drama queen. I'm shit at relationships. It's my way or the way.

I know I made an initial mistake but really this is horrific.

OP posts:
PaperhouseLegs · 19/09/2021 09:23

Glad to hear you are ok this morning op.
I bet you any money he will back track like crazy when he realises you are booting him out and he will have to properly fund his own life, including a business base. He won't expect you to go through with getting rid of him, he will imagine his gaslighting will change your mind. Be prepared and stay strong! Flowers

cricketmum84 · 19/09/2021 09:42

@Bluntness100

His reaction was off the scale unacceptable but to be fair your behaviour wasn’t great either. You clearly served up a bigger portion for you and it wasn’t just three pieces or you’d not have said to him oh I gave you thr wrong portion yours is the smaller one then tried to swap. So it was clearly visibly different. It’s polite to ask someone how much they wish, even though you were starving and wanted th most.

However his behaviour is just so so bad. The two of you are incompatible. End it then eat as many bowls of pasta as you wish.

Wow. That's some amazing victim-blaming there!
FangsForTheMemory · 19/09/2021 09:54

I’d give him until lunchtime. He’s got all that money, he can find himself a hotel.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 19/09/2021 10:07

I would be starting to pile his tools etc in the garden...
Call the police if he kicks off...

honeygriff · 19/09/2021 10:17

He sounds controlling.

hahahayoumustbejoking · 19/09/2021 10:18

Get his stuff boxed up and out and change the locks.

Confide in a friend of two of what you're doing and why.

Tell the police if you feel it's warranted too.

Then do it and move on.

ChargingBuck · 19/09/2021 10:21

Morning OP, congratulations on your resolve.

I'm a bit concerned for you about this 'couple of days' malarkey though.
You don't owe him anything.
Not even the consolation prize of a couple more days under your roof to make up for the appalling unkindness (sarcasm) of splitting up with him.

You know how he's going to spend those couple of days, don't you?
Making you miserable, guilty, uncomfortable & scared.
He was a giant pain in the arse before Pastagate. He will ramp that behaviour up now, & there is no reason for you to tolerate it.

You deserve a peaceful home without an angry & controlling man in it.
Please kick him out by lunchtime, & get some good friends round to ensure you are safe, & he goes.

SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk · 19/09/2021 10:22

Kick him out ffs. What an arsehole.

You did NOTHING wrong. It's all him.

pinkyredrose · 19/09/2021 10:44

I wouldn't let him stay and make your life a misery any longer, he can book a hotel and go today, within the hour.

LittleEsme · 19/09/2021 10:51

Thanks for the update OP.
It's a concern for anyone reading when you're locking yourself away or being locked out of your own home, no matter what the trigger was.

Bottom line here: there isn't enough time for this shit. It IS abusive. Stand strong, don't feel the need to be reasonable - he WILL try and take advantage and don't be drawn in to conversations as he will try and dissect the relationship and assassinate your character.

Get him out. Be firm.

ApolloandDaphne · 19/09/2021 10:55

@Vinballs2 How are things going today? I hope you are safe.

NotSure94 · 19/09/2021 11:24

I think the priority is he moves out. He's got money in the bank he won't be on the streets.

Whether you continue the relationship is another matter (you don't sound compatible) but priority is you don't get locked out or feel you have to lock yourself into rooms in your own bloody house!

lazylinguist · 19/09/2021 11:57

His reaction was off the scale unacceptable but to be fair your behaviour wasn’t great either. You clearly served up a bigger portion for you and it wasn’t just three pieces or you’d not have said to him oh I gave you thr wrong portion yours is the smaller one then tried to swap. So it was clearly visibly different. It’s polite to ask someone how much they wish, even though you were starving and wanted th most.

Hmm Utterlly ridiculous to describe giving very slightly uneven portions and then immediately apologising and offering to swap as poor behaviour. There is only one person with unacceptable behaviour in this scenario, and it sure isn't the OP.

rainbowstardrops · 19/09/2021 12:44

What a prick he is! I wouldn't be giving him two days, I'd be giving him until 2pm and then telling him to fuck off! You're well rid

notthemum · 19/09/2021 13:04

FFS. What is it with posters telling the OP to leave him ?
It is her Fucking House.
Other posters telling her to ASK him to leave ?
It is her Fucking house.
ASK him to pack and leave his keys behind.
It is her Fucking house.
For the love of God. Please stop telling women to ask these abusive shits to leave or to leave themselves.

When it is Their Fucking house.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/09/2021 13:13

@notthemum

I think a lot of the time when people say 'leave him' they mean break up with him.

And while it's her home, better she is out of danger and safe in the short term then within hours / a day gets the police to remove him - than to risk her being harmed by someone who is clearly escalating his abuse.

Safety is paramount.

lazylinguist · 19/09/2021 13:14

FFS. What is it with posters telling the OP to leave him ?

Confused I don't think you've understood what 'leave him' means. Leave him, not the house.

Steeple · 19/09/2021 13:40

@notthemum

FFS. What is it with posters telling the OP to leave him ? It is her Fucking House. Other posters telling her to ASK him to leave ? It is her Fucking house. ASK him to pack and leave his keys behind. It is her Fucking house. For the love of God. Please stop telling women to ask these abusive shits to leave or to leave themselves. When it is Their Fucking house.
It’s an idiom meaning ‘dump him’, ‘break up with him’, ‘end the relationship.’
pelosi · 19/09/2021 13:42

@Bluntness100

His reaction was off the scale unacceptable but to be fair your behaviour wasn’t great either. You clearly served up a bigger portion for you and it wasn’t just three pieces or you’d not have said to him oh I gave you thr wrong portion yours is the smaller one then tried to swap. So it was clearly visibly different. It’s polite to ask someone how much they wish, even though you were starving and wanted th most.

However his behaviour is just so so bad. The two of you are incompatible. End it then eat as many bowls of pasta as you wish.

Have you actually read all of OP’s posts.

So sick of all the victim blaming here.

Atalune · 19/09/2021 13:48

Put him put and send him off with a kilo bag of fucking pasta to boot.

cricketmum84 · 19/09/2021 13:54

@notthemum

FFS. What is it with posters telling the OP to leave him ? It is her Fucking House. Other posters telling her to ASK him to leave ? It is her Fucking house. ASK him to pack and leave his keys behind. It is her Fucking house. For the love of God. Please stop telling women to ask these abusive shits to leave or to leave themselves. When it is Their Fucking house.
I think you may need to calm down a bit as you are coming across as irrationally angry!

By "leave him" posters obviously mean end the relationship. Not shuffle off quietly out of her own home leaving him to live there for the rest of his days Hmm

QueenBee52 · 19/09/2021 14:24

@Vinballs2

So glad you are okay and back in your home...

I agree with everyone on here who suggests your giving him two days is generous and should not do this.. it merely gives him two full days to manipulate you and wear you down into letting him stay ...

Stay safe and strong OP 🌸

Starseeking · 19/09/2021 14:31

@notthemum

FFS. What is it with posters telling the OP to leave him ? It is her Fucking House. Other posters telling her to ASK him to leave ? It is her Fucking house. ASK him to pack and leave his keys behind. It is her Fucking house. For the love of God. Please stop telling women to ask these abusive shits to leave or to leave themselves. When it is Their Fucking house.

Leave him = Leave the relationship

HTH

knittingaddict · 19/09/2021 14:39

@Daphnise

You ate two packets of pasta? (Just checked the post; it did say two packets) I would have thought that would feed about six.

Leaving that aside, don't pander to a whiny partner-it'll never end!

It will be those packs of filled ravioli. Some are very small in size. I'm pretty sure the op isn't taking about 500g bags of fusilli here. I doubt even her husband could tell that he was 3 pieces down on that.
RampantIvy · 19/09/2021 15:19

We buy the 250g bags of tortellini and I serve one pack between the two of us, tossed in pesto, and served with salad. I pack each is a lot.

And, I'm not a competitive under eater