Partner angry about his food serving

[vinballs]

Please tell me if I am BU.

For context, my partner has a small appetite, rarely finishes the food on his plate, I normally always eat more than him.

We have been out and just got home, I told him on the way home I was starving.

Our dinner for this evening was preplanned, filled pasta, drained and served with pan fried cherry tomatoes and mushrooms and then a pesto and crepe fraiche sauce stirred in, topped with Parmesan and served with garlic bread.

In the car home I had said that I would cook both packs of pasta and he said, good idea as one pack isn't really big enough for two but too much for one.

So we arrive home and I cook dinner, I served up two generous portions and there were about 3 pieces of pasta left so I put them into my bowl and truly thought he wouldn't even finish his serving.

I put them on the table but the wrong way around and said "oh sorry, I put a bit more in mine as I'm so hungry". He looked put out, so I apologised and said, you're welcome to it, honestly it's no big deal, I just didn't think you would eat it all. He refused, so I ate mine.

I could tell he was pissed off as he went quiet and cold and left food on his plate. So I asked him if he hadn't enjoyed his dinner and he said he's pissed off with me, that he would never do that to me and it was so rude to take a bigger serving. So I said sorry again, and it honestly was a split moment decision after I had already served two generous portions. I reminded him that I said at the time, it's no big deal you have got the big portion.

He then said I served him up "the scraps", all the mushrooms and tomatoes but I honestly didn't. It was two equal and large portions,

With hindsight, I should have served up and said there's a few bits left, do you want them? But it was a genuine split second decision and not malicious or calculated at all, which he seems to be implying.

We had a huge row on Thursday night because he was angry that when he likes to chat about the news or TV programmes that are on, I don't chat back and seem irritated. To be fair, I am, he continually asks questions and asks me to pause and rewind even when I've answered him. I just want to watch the bloody programme.

Anyway, he's upset me with a huge over reaction to three bits of pasta and I got upset and went upstairs.

He's come up since I started this post to make up and I said to him. I apologised before either of us had taken a mouthful and offered him the bigger plate. It pisses me off that he let me eat it and then causes a drama. Apparently that's the wrong answer. I should accept his approach to reconcile. I was in the wrong, I've behaved badly, I'm rude, I deliberately served him a quarter bowl of food and took the rest. What's wrong with you?

He's ranting now, I've locked myself in the bathroom and he's shouting outside that I think I'm perfect and a drama queen. I'm shit at relationships. It's my way or the way.

I know I made an initial mistake but really this is horrific.

LTB

If it's over (which it should be) then you need to set a firm date for him to move out.

That should be sooner rather than later.

He's far from destitute and in a position to find somewhere to live, even temporarily.

The last thing you want is to find months from now he's still lodging in the spare room, with excuses as to why he can't leave and simultaneously chipping at your resolve.

His behaviour is appalling. Ranting, raving, etc to the point you have to lock yourself in the bathroom and then leave YOUR home.

The TV issue isn't petty either. It would drive most people insane. It's incredibly controlling insofar he's dictating how you watch television and what you're expected to engage with him to discuss.

It's also telling that he thinks it's up to him to dictate the "end of the row". When he feels ready to make up then you're expected to say "cool" but in reverse he can hold onto his anger/frustration for as long as he likes.

I'm so glad you have decided to end it. You deserve much better

He us controlling, kicks things , you will never make him happy.
Kick him out.
Call 999 if he gets aggressive again.

I hope you have a peaceful night and successfully get him out tomorrow.

Fuck. That.

It's 3 pieces of pasta, I often snack off chips on the tray when I'm serving two adult portions of food!
If he was mine he'd be getting ready to serve his own food. On a serious level, this is usually the start of DV, leave before it starts.

How long are you going to put up with him? He’s not poor, tell him to go tomorrow. You’re not in a relationship with him anymore and you don’t need to let him stay in your house.

Well, if you are abusive then surely he doesn't want to live with you. Time for him to go.

Please find a way to get him out of the house then change the locks asap!
He sounds like he could easily trip over to being violent so please be careful

Hope you are back in your home now and he's fucked off .

Call the police and have him removed op. He can figure out where to go. You'd be crazy to let him stay.

@TempNameChangexx

Please find a way to get him out of the house then change the locks asap! He sounds like he could easily trip over to being violent so please be careful

Agree.

Tell him to get the fuck out of your house!

This is so obviously not only about a plate of pasta. It's really time to get out of this relationship. I hope you are okay.

Vinballs this all sounds awful.

You definitely need to end this relationship.

Has anyone heard from the OP.. this sounds very bad 😔

Okay, I know this feels like a really confusing situation as this guy regularly manipulates your emotions and lies to you (and he may not be consciously aware of what he's doing) which is messing with your sense of reality. But it's actually really simple.

The way his mind works, he feels he has to be right (can't deal with feeling like he's in the wrong, even if he is), and he feels he has to come first (can't deal with anyone's needs being equal to his or more important than his). He's really emotionally immature and cannot handle unpleasant emotions.

The reason he feels this way is that secretly, deep down inside, he is deeply scared that he's always wrong, that he's awful, embarrassing, unworthy of love or care, unimportant and pathetic. He was probably abused in childhood or suffered from a lot of peer rejection in adolescence. He's got a lot of repressed anger about this, and any time he feels like he's being ignored or treated second-best, or that he's done something wrong, a sense of deep shame and fear gets triggered in him and he reacts in the following ways.

1. He denies anything is wrong. Maybe he did want the bigger bowl but probably in the past he was punished for saying what he wants or laughed at for wanting what others have. So he's embarrassed about his needs and pretends they don't exist. This is pretty unconscious for him.

1. Because his needs are being "denied" (by himself) he feels very angry that he's not getting his needs met. He takes this out on you, even though you actually did give him the opportunity to have what he wants. When he acts punishingly towards you, he's trying to get you to take responsibility for meeting his needs, because he feels incapable of doing it himself. It's all in his head and doesn't make a whole lot of sense to you, because your mind works normally. If you wanted the bigger bowl, you'd just say, oh, yes, actually, I'm really starving too. But he can't do that, he can't admit to having needs and showing 'weakness'.

1. The fact that you keep pointing out his own responsibility and how you didn't do anything wrong just makes him madder because at a deep level he knows you're right but admitting that would add ANOTHER layer of shame to the shame he already feels. The only way out of this is to escalate the situation, blame you even more, even for things you didn't do (giving him scraps) or exaggerate the inequity (a quarter-bowl instead of three pieces) yell louder to scare you into backing down, bring up some other way you've failed him because he is simply too scared to take a look at himself. He's literally distorting reality, because he's in an emotional spiral and not capable being rational. The only thing that matters is making you back down and take responsibility because then his bad feelings will go away. The more you refuse to back down, the more irrational he'll become. Separating yourselves is probably the best situation as now he'll calm down somewhat.

Later, when his emotions have really calmed down, he'll be more rational, probably apologise (but maybe not take full responsibility) and he will just want to sweep it under the carpet. He won't want to look at what's really going on because he doesn't really understand it himself.

He's projecting the feelings he cannot acknowledge onto you. He's being a drama queen but he's calling you a drama queen. He's shit at relationships, but he's saying you're shit at relationships. He feels it has to be his way or the highway in order for him to feel okay, but he's saying you're making it your way or the highway.

The TV thing is another example. He wants to chat and be connected but you want to watch the programme. So there's a conflict (he HATES conflict because he has no idea how to manage it outside of a win/lose scenario.) You've probably learned to hide when you're irritated because when you express any negative feeling to him, he takes it very poorly and ends up turning it around to make it your fault. So you don't say you're irritated, but he knows you are.

He needs professional help, he really does. What's wrong with him isn't impossible to overcome, but it's NEVER going to be fixed by you placating and soothing him and fixing the problem for him. That just kicks the can down the road. He has to learn to recognise, acknowledge, express and take responsibility for his own feelings, manage his negative emotions (instead of pushing them onto others) and learn how to resolve conflicts with others in a way that meets his needs AND allows others to meet theirs.

OP - are you OK?

I agree with pp that this man is a nasty, controlling arsehole with anger management issues and a violent streak such that really he should be shown the door and I hope that's what happens. This isn't an overreaction to an issue with 3 bits of pasta, the pasta just happens to be the one small item on the top of a heap of problems you shouldn't need to deal with, so get him gone.

If I wasn't advising you to LTB, I'd be suggesting that your best approach to meals would be to stick to the kinds of food where you can make a big pot and leftovers are expected - and will get incorporated into future meals. Then put the big dish on the table and each serves their own rather than each having a "fair share" of half what there is.

In addition to the above, yeah, obviously the best thing to do both for you and him would be to end the relationship immediately. You have to be clear that you find his behaviour completely unacceptable, you will not be taking any responsibility for what happened, and you absolutely will not remain to be in a relationship with someone who lashes out physically (even at inanimate objects), yells at you so much you have to lock yourself in another room and locks you out of your own home.

The fact that you hate conflict and will back down quickly when he pulls out the manipulation tactics and aggression has enabled his issues by allowing him to not acknowledge and take responsibility for them.

You are obviously an accommodating person, which is not a bad characteristic in itself, but can be when it goes as far as allowing someone else to tell you what you think and mess with your head to make you think that you are somehow causing or perpetuating problems they've created. I think you need to spend a lot of time learning how to recognise emotional manipulation techniques.

What's the situation now?
Are you back in your own house?

He has to leave, OP. Get the police round to help you, or family if you have them. You aren't safe with this man.

The pasta argument is typical abuser methodology. Locking you out of your own home shows how confident he is of his power. The 'Mmm, mmm' is him demonstrating his absolute belief in his right to abuse you.

I hope you are safe for now. As soon as you can, make arrangements to be safe - from him - in the future.

He sounds like a child!

Worrying that the OP hasnt replied since being locked out.
Please let us know you are ok OP

This sounds so frightening, how can an argument over a serving of pasta lead to you being trapped in a bathroom with him yelling at you and then you being locked out? Can you really live with a man who behaves like that? There is absolutely no excuse for it.

He is messing with your head. I don't usually advise people to get out of a relationship, but these rows aren't trivial. He is making you question your version of reality and bullying you into believing the only version of the truth is his version. It is controlling. It will get worse and worse. Please end the relationship before it does you a lot of damage.

I hope you’re back in your house without him now

Please tell me he’s your ex after all this

This poor excuse for a human needs to go now! Not in a few hours or a week but now! Bag his shit up and put it on the doorstep, if he rants call the police and let them, know that the man who has been abusing you won’t leave.

This is another abusive relationship.