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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner angry about his food serving

297 replies

vinballs · 18/09/2021 20:24

Please tell me if I am BU.

For context, my partner has a small appetite, rarely finishes the food on his plate, I normally always eat more than him.

We have been out and just got home, I told him on the way home I was starving.

Our dinner for this evening was preplanned, filled pasta, drained and served with pan fried cherry tomatoes and mushrooms and then a pesto and crepe fraiche sauce stirred in, topped with Parmesan and served with garlic bread.

In the car home I had said that I would cook both packs of pasta and he said, good idea as one pack isn't really big enough for two but too much for one.

So we arrive home and I cook dinner, I served up two generous portions and there were about 3 pieces of pasta left so I put them into my bowl and truly thought he wouldn't even finish his serving.

I put them on the table but the wrong way around and said "oh sorry, I put a bit more in mine as I'm so hungry". He looked put out, so I apologised and said, you're welcome to it, honestly it's no big deal, I just didn't think you would eat it all. He refused, so I ate mine.

I could tell he was pissed off as he went quiet and cold and left food on his plate. So I asked him if he hadn't enjoyed his dinner and he said he's pissed off with me, that he would never do that to me and it was so rude to take a bigger serving. So I said sorry again, and it honestly was a split moment decision after I had already served two generous portions. I reminded him that I said at the time, it's no big deal you have got the big portion.

He then said I served him up "the scraps", all the mushrooms and tomatoes but I honestly didn't. It was two equal and large portions,

With hindsight, I should have served up and said there's a few bits left, do you want them? But it was a genuine split second decision and not malicious or calculated at all, which he seems to be implying.

We had a huge row on Thursday night because he was angry that when he likes to chat about the news or TV programmes that are on, I don't chat back and seem irritated. To be fair, I am, he continually asks questions and asks me to pause and rewind even when I've answered him. I just want to watch the bloody programme.

Anyway, he's upset me with a huge over reaction to three bits of pasta and I got upset and went upstairs.

He's come up since I started this post to make up and I said to him. I apologised before either of us had taken a mouthful and offered him the bigger plate. It pisses me off that he let me eat it and then causes a drama. Apparently that's the wrong answer. I should accept his approach to reconcile. I was in the wrong, I've behaved badly, I'm rude, I deliberately served him a quarter bowl of food and took the rest. What's wrong with you?

He's ranting now, I've locked myself in the bathroom and he's shouting outside that I think I'm perfect and a drama queen. I'm shit at relationships. It's my way or the way.

I know I made an initial mistake but really this is horrific.

OP posts:
SpittinKitten · 18/09/2021 22:48

@MatildaIThink

It is not about the pasta, it is not even about the TV shows, it is about communication. It seems he wants to communicate with you, to talk to you, to be considered in the relationship and you are not doing that.now without a fuller analysis of your relationship no one can be sure if it is you or him causing thr communication problems, but it is clear it is not about pasta.
Wtf?
Steeple · 18/09/2021 22:52

@MatildaIThink

It is not about the pasta, it is not even about the TV shows, it is about communication. It seems he wants to communicate with you, to talk to you, to be considered in the relationship and you are not doing that.now without a fuller analysis of your relationship no one can be sure if it is you or him causing thr communication problems, but it is clear it is not about pasta.
No, it’s clear that it involves an abusive man whose angry behaviour has intimated his partner to the extent that she locked herself in the bathroom for safety, and has now been locked out of her own house by him. That’s his ‘communication’ style. Hmm
MatildaIThink · 18/09/2021 22:54

The OP said when watchingTV he wants to talk and she is not interested, that is someone trying to communicate and being shut down. I know in here we are supposed to always side with the woman, te man may well be a bit of an arse, but shutting him down when he tries to communicate will not improve things.

MatildaIThink · 18/09/2021 22:56

I also had not seen the post about being locked out the house, only the first post which clearly shows communication issues.

Vinballs2 · 18/09/2021 22:56

Hi, it's OP. Mumsnet on my phone logged me out and I've been trying to get logged back on, unsuccessfully!

I've created a new account, using an old email address so I can update.

I went back inside, apparently after I slammed the door and left (I didn't slam it), he tried to grab the door to come after me and in the process cut his finger, he then put the chain on. I know none of this makes sense btw. But apparently it's my fault he has taken a chunk out of his finger. There's blood on the floor and bloody tissues in the side.

He was packing a case to go but now isn't going as there isn't anywhere for him to go. Obviously there is but I think he was calling my bluff and it's backfired.

He will be leaving though, I'm in no doubt that it is over and tonight has been the final straw. He will be sleeping in the spare room until moves out.

Limejuiceandrum · 18/09/2021 22:59

I’m amazed you didn’t call the police if I’m honest. Sounds extremely scary.
I wouldn’t sleep in the same house as that man. You need to get him out ASAP.
I’m scared on your behalf, quite a lot

AnnieSnap · 18/09/2021 23:01

I hope you are okay OP. I agree about calling the Police. They will only deal with it if there may be a ‘breach of the peace’ though, so you need to explain that you left to sit in your car because you felt afraid and he has now locked you out of your house.

Mum4Fergus · 18/09/2021 23:01

If he has £200k in the Bank he can afford a hotel...get him out!

Vinballs2 · 18/09/2021 23:01

To clarify when I said he wants to talk while the tv is on, I don't mind a bit of chat it's when it's constantly talking over what we are watching, asking me to pause it so he can tell me his thoughts. Rewinding it so he can watch a section again. Maybe 3 or 4 times in a half hour. Rightly or wrongly it drives me mad, it's not a communication style it's him imposing himself and dictating how we watch a tv show.

Just read that back and it sounds so petty but I feel like I'm being driven to the point of madness.

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/09/2021 23:02

Change the locks and leave a tin of ravioli on the doorstep

pelosi · 18/09/2021 23:02

@Vinballs2

Hi, it's OP. Mumsnet on my phone logged me out and I've been trying to get logged back on, unsuccessfully!

I've created a new account, using an old email address so I can update.

I went back inside, apparently after I slammed the door and left (I didn't slam it), he tried to grab the door to come after me and in the process cut his finger, he then put the chain on. I know none of this makes sense btw. But apparently it's my fault he has taken a chunk out of his finger. There's blood on the floor and bloody tissues in the side.

He was packing a case to go but now isn't going as there isn't anywhere for him to go. Obviously there is but I think he was calling my bluff and it's backfired.

He will be leaving though, I'm in no doubt that it is over and tonight has been the final straw. He will be sleeping in the spare room until moves out.

Glad to hear you’re ok, OP.

The twat actually tried to stop you entering your own home and is still gaslighting you.

You don’t have to have him there, OP. Call the police if you want him gone asap.

Lougle · 18/09/2021 23:03

Do you feel safe?

TheChip · 18/09/2021 23:04

Glad you're okay op! He will try every which way to remain there. Stick to your guns

Vinballs2 · 18/09/2021 23:09

Yes I feel safe, if I didn't I would call the police. I'm in my bedroom now and have listened to him rant and monologue with the basic theme being, I'm a bully asking him to move out and because I have the upper hand ie. it's my house I'm using it against him as he has to leave.

Apparently I'm in the wrong regarding the food portions, as there are protocols for serving food and I broke them, so anyone would feel the same as him. I pointed out I said sorry before either of us picked up a fork and offered him the bigger bowl, but he couldn't deprive me of my food but it still upset him! It's 3 pieces of pasta!

DameFanny · 18/09/2021 23:10

Call the police - he scared you to the point you left to a safe distance and now he's locked you out of your home. He's abusive. The police can help you get safe.

TheChip · 18/09/2021 23:12

The protocols of food are that if somebody makes you food you be fucking thankful. What a knob he is!

DameFanny · 18/09/2021 23:13

Glad you're back in now. He sounds awful - that TV thing would drive me distracted - does he think he's that much more interesting than the thing you're watching?!

SpittinKitten · 18/09/2021 23:14

@DameFanny

Glad you're back in now. He sounds awful - that TV thing would drive me distracted - does he think he's that much more interesting than the thing you're watching?!
I think it's a control thing.
thenewduchessofhastings · 18/09/2021 23:24

@vinballs

He's batshit.His behaviour tonight isn't normal.He doesn't have anywhere else to go?;he's got 200K in the bank and there are hotels,as well as serviced apartment hotels for those needing a longer stay and air b n b.He can stay there temporarily whilst he sorts a place to live.He's a single working male with no dependents and healthy savings;it won't take long to rent somewhere.

It's the weekend.Ask him to be out by tomorrow afternoon eg 4pm.Then change the locks ASAP.Make sure he leaves his keys before he goes too.

You absolutely know you deserve better than this wanker;you've walked away from one abusive man;you can absolutely do it again.

PaperhouseLegs · 18/09/2021 23:27

Fuck letting him stay. He can pack up and find a hotel, he's hardly penniless. I'd put money on him cutting his finger in a massive temper, not the way he told you at all. He is a manipulative bully. Don't feel guilty about making him leave.

Vinballs2 · 18/09/2021 23:32

He had £200k in the bank, probably more actually when he arrived back in the uk last year. He's since purchased a flat he lets out (bought outright with no mortgage), but he still has a healthy savings account and rental income so he is by no means destitute.

toocold54 · 18/09/2021 23:36

In glad you’re staying so strong OP.
Don’t get into any arguments with him just say it’s best for both of us to have a bit of space away from each other.

PaperhouseLegs · 18/09/2021 23:39

With that update there is no chance I'd be giving the dickhead a bed for the night. If he has that many assets, a flat and income then he can easily find a Premier Inn. You owe him nothing. He has a car outside, he doesn't even need a taxi to get there. He can pick up his shit when you've packed it up tomorrow. Sounds like he has been using you as a cheap place to stay while he pads his savings account and makes investments. Don't let him waste any more of your time.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 18/09/2021 23:41

Get him out of your house! NO-ONE should have to put up with that bullshit behaviour. And for what it's worth I'm much smaller than my DH and frequently eat more dinner than him. And the most he does is chuckle at my huge serving.

HollowTalk · 18/09/2021 23:44

I'm so glad it's your house and horrified he didn't pay his way when he had such a lot of money.

Reclaim your house. You'll be much happier without him.

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