Partner angry about his food serving

[vinballs]

Please tell me if I am BU.

For context, my partner has a small appetite, rarely finishes the food on his plate, I normally always eat more than him.

We have been out and just got home, I told him on the way home I was starving.

Our dinner for this evening was preplanned, filled pasta, drained and served with pan fried cherry tomatoes and mushrooms and then a pesto and crepe fraiche sauce stirred in, topped with Parmesan and served with garlic bread.

In the car home I had said that I would cook both packs of pasta and he said, good idea as one pack isn't really big enough for two but too much for one.

So we arrive home and I cook dinner, I served up two generous portions and there were about 3 pieces of pasta left so I put them into my bowl and truly thought he wouldn't even finish his serving.

I put them on the table but the wrong way around and said "oh sorry, I put a bit more in mine as I'm so hungry". He looked put out, so I apologised and said, you're welcome to it, honestly it's no big deal, I just didn't think you would eat it all. He refused, so I ate mine.

I could tell he was pissed off as he went quiet and cold and left food on his plate. So I asked him if he hadn't enjoyed his dinner and he said he's pissed off with me, that he would never do that to me and it was so rude to take a bigger serving. So I said sorry again, and it honestly was a split moment decision after I had already served two generous portions. I reminded him that I said at the time, it's no big deal you have got the big portion.

He then said I served him up "the scraps", all the mushrooms and tomatoes but I honestly didn't. It was two equal and large portions,

With hindsight, I should have served up and said there's a few bits left, do you want them? But it was a genuine split second decision and not malicious or calculated at all, which he seems to be implying.

We had a huge row on Thursday night because he was angry that when he likes to chat about the news or TV programmes that are on, I don't chat back and seem irritated. To be fair, I am, he continually asks questions and asks me to pause and rewind even when I've answered him. I just want to watch the bloody programme.

Anyway, he's upset me with a huge over reaction to three bits of pasta and I got upset and went upstairs.

He's come up since I started this post to make up and I said to him. I apologised before either of us had taken a mouthful and offered him the bigger plate. It pisses me off that he let me eat it and then causes a drama. Apparently that's the wrong answer. I should accept his approach to reconcile. I was in the wrong, I've behaved badly, I'm rude, I deliberately served him a quarter bowl of food and took the rest. What's wrong with you?

He's ranting now, I've locked myself in the bathroom and he's shouting outside that I think I'm perfect and a drama queen. I'm shit at relationships. It's my way or the way.

I know I made an initial mistake but really this is horrific.

@pelosi

Why are people having a go at *@CloseYourEyesAndSee*? She was just trying to help.

well I was I would have been really deflated if I posted this and people started calling me a greedy heifer for eating a whole packet of pasta The size of the meal isn't the point...

@Bluntness100

His reaction was off the scale unacceptable but to be fair your behaviour wasn’t great either. You clearly served up a bigger portion for you and it wasn’t just three pieces or you’d not have said to him oh I gave you thr wrong portion yours is the smaller one then tried to swap. So it was clearly visibly different. It’s polite to ask someone how much they wish, even though you were starving and wanted th most.

However his behaviour is just so so bad. The two of you are incompatible. End it then eat as many bowls of pasta as you wish.

A small and not important point. I disagree with you on this though because (sorry I know this is daft) those filled pasta things are fat little buggers and three pieces can make a fairly visible difference in a bowl.

@Vinballs2 you absolutely were not behaving badly here at all and I actually think that hearing nit picky "you were also in the wrong because of this tiny detail" is really harmful. What you experienced was abuse, not an incompatibility issue. Whatever portion size he got would not excuse his abuse.

You had already explained the reason you thought 3 pieces extra for you would not be an issue because your P usually doesn't finish the portions you give him and you do. You were perfectly reasonable to do this and in no way were you in the wrong here.

It's an established relationship where these normally quite important social niceties can sometimes be forgone because you are familiar with each others preferences. It can be quite stifling if you are forever doing the "would you like?" "is this ok?" dance with a long term partner.

Apart from all of that... Vinballs what your P did was unacceptable from start to finish and it escalated very quickly into something really scary! I'm really sorry, that was not ok

I'm really glad you have decided to end the relationship but agree with @category12 that he doesn't need 2 days to organise himself at your house. He needs to leave ASAP. What he does in the meantime is his concern and not yours.

Tell him when would be acceptable for you for him to come pick up his stuff and please have someone with you because he sounds like he could potentially be dangerous

Fuck me, I read the OP's posts, came to the end of the thread to find pasta calorie counters super appropriate people and update to say OP had to name change so went back to skim for the new one and reply.

Just been back to look at some of the other responses and wow there's a lot of victim blamers and abuse apologists here. You know who you are and you should all be ashamed of yourselves, this woman was so afraid she locked herself in her bathroom and then left the house for a long period of time while he continued to aggressively rage, locked her out of her own home, and then used deceptive tactics to lure her back into the house! Just absolutely shocking!

@Vinballs2 I'm really sorry you've had to read stuff like this, it's hard enough establishing reasonable boundaries as an abuse survivor without idiots and trolls blurring them further spouting their absolute bollocks

Ive never met a man in my life who doesn’t give himself a bigger portion than his female partner
Usually because he knows just like you do that his partner usually eats less would want less
He sounds like a big
He does seem to be unusually upset about some pasta . My bet is that something else is going on to make him snappy
Ps dinner sounded good

Totally agree with your first para @Kittenlittlen but unusually "upset, snappy, something else going on"

Bit of an understatement and a weird, almost excusing it and explaining it away, turn of phrase don't you think?

I am genuinely bothered by the posters who are prioritising politeness over abusive nasty behaviour. I mean truly , are you so unbelievably conditioned to appear "Nice" that you consider etiquette a genuine reason for being locked out of your own house and have someone bluster and shout ? Do those posters genuinely not see how screwed up a thought process that is ? Not to mention the insanity of thinking the relevant point is how much pasta is appropriate for one person?

I despair sometimes of people's priorities.

OP you seem to have a plan that works for you and if it does great. I am glad your resolve is firm there is just so much in appropriate behaviour from him that its hard to see any reason to stay in the relationship.

Throw him out he sounds awful.

@WhoIsPepeSilva

Fuck me, I read the OP's posts, came to the end of the thread to find pasta calorie counters super appropriate people and update to say OP had to name change so went back to skim for the new one and reply.

Just been back to look at some of the other responses and wow there's a lot of victim blamers and abuse apologists here. You know who you are and you should all be ashamed of yourselves, this woman was so afraid she locked herself in her bathroom and then left the house for a long period of time while he continued to aggressively rage, locked her out of her own home, and then used deceptive tactics to lure her back into the house! Just absolutely shocking!

@Vinballs2 I'm really sorry you've had to read stuff like this, it's hard enough establishing reasonable boundaries as an abuse survivor without idiots and trolls blurring them further spouting their absolute bollocks

Can I once again point out that I posted the calories of pasta in response to twatty posters who were calling the OP greedy for eating a big portion of pasta and therefore implying that the partner was somehow justified in being angry because she shouldn't have given herself so much pasta???

@Kittenlittlen

Ive never met a man in my life who doesn’t give himself a bigger portion than his female partner Usually because he knows just like you do that his partner usually eats less would want less He sounds like a big He does seem to be unusually upset about some pasta . My bet is that something else is going on to make him snappy Ps dinner sounded good

Unusually snappy?

Ranting outside the locked bathroom door and locking someone out of their house is wayyyyyyy more than 'unusually snappy'

It's downright abusive.

Why are so many people minimising this?

@Kittenlittlen

Ive never met a man in my life who doesn’t give himself a bigger portion than his female partner Usually because he knows just like you do that his partner usually eats less would want less He sounds like a big He does seem to be unusually upset about some pasta . My bet is that something else is going on to make him snappy Ps dinner sounded good

My dh isn’t a big eater. When someone piles his plate up he complains that it’s off-putting. “I’m never going to eat all that!” I give him the same portion as me.

In other news, it’s not ok to have your partner locked herself in the bathroom while you bawl through the door because your plate of pasta isn’t commandeering enough.

There is something else going on. He’s a self-important, aggressive prick who wanted a target to bully. If it hadn’t been the pasta, it would have been something else.

@Vinballs2. How are you today? Has he gone?

I think the overwhelming majority of posters are appalled at his behaviour and have stated clearly he should be thrown out of the house yesterday, despite his business.

There is NO excusing his behaviour whatsoever.

I think the "outrage" over the calories mentioned is a clear mis-reading of whst the poster's wrote.

The OP mentioned the amount they ate as part of her OP.

Faux outrage at posters does nothing to help the OP and is just virture signalling IMO.

Threads can meander when they go on a bit and that doesn't mean that self appointed thread policing is necessary.

All thread policing does is put people off posting.

I certainly hope the OP is too busy gathering his shit together and getting him out, to post.

Icertainly hope the OP is too busy gathering his shit together and getting him out, to post.

Exactly what I was about to say!

@CloseYourEyesAndSee I wasn't picking out anyone in particular because I couldn't remember names.

I was having a go at the portion controllers, the ones that were saying one packet was enough etc etc not the people who were telling them they were being ridiculous.

It really isn't the place for a pasta debate but I wasn't talking about you.

@billy1966 excuse me faux outrage? I am really upset for the OP that she's had to wade through all this minimisation and shite about pasta, there's nothing faux about it.

There's nothing worse when you are trying to get help during an abusive relationship, it puts the OP off from posting. I would like to think that people standing up to these idiots and saying "no you are catagorically wrong" or "this is not what it's about" would help her feel like she's not alone, is not in any way shape or form being unreasonable and it's not about the pasta.

Or we could all just sit back and not say anything and let people perpetuate abuse minimisation if you'd prefer?

I was going to write a jokey reply about how pathetic he sounds, but the last bit is genuinely troubling. He sounds unhinged

I really hope you are ok OP

I could have written this post about my ex. And I did the same & let him straighten out himself for a few days. He did try and wear me down but it didn’t work.

He’d say he’s never been like this with anyone else & it must be to do with my instability, he couldn’t trust my decision making, I was abusive etc. I stopped arguing because I just saw him for what he was and would just say ‘we’re not compatible but I wish you well’. It was interesting more than upsetting & he ran out of avenues.

In the end he conceded he had a rage problem and I wasn’t the first girlfriend to raise it. Go figure. Once he was gone I focused on making my home my own again. You’ll love it!

What a petty annoying bloke. Way too much effort for me!

Hope you are Ok OP and that Mr Abusive - I don't want it, but I don't want you to have it either. Is gone.

What. A. Shit.

Posters. Thank you so much for pointing out that 'leave him' or 'go stay somewhere else' or even 'ask him to ĺeave' actually means end the reĺationship.
Obviously I know this. 👍
Unfortunateĺy I grew up with the mantra of saying what I actually mean. I therefore wouldn't say 'yes' if I meant no. I wouldn't say 'stay' if I meant go or 'lets try counselling' if I meant I'm done.
Cant remember the pp who said they thought I should calm down (so it was obviously irrelevant) but I am perfectly calm thank you and your post amused me so ta !

Did he go in the end?