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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner angry about his food serving

297 replies

vinballs · 18/09/2021 20:24

Please tell me if I am BU.

For context, my partner has a small appetite, rarely finishes the food on his plate, I normally always eat more than him.

We have been out and just got home, I told him on the way home I was starving.

Our dinner for this evening was preplanned, filled pasta, drained and served with pan fried cherry tomatoes and mushrooms and then a pesto and crepe fraiche sauce stirred in, topped with Parmesan and served with garlic bread.

In the car home I had said that I would cook both packs of pasta and he said, good idea as one pack isn't really big enough for two but too much for one.

So we arrive home and I cook dinner, I served up two generous portions and there were about 3 pieces of pasta left so I put them into my bowl and truly thought he wouldn't even finish his serving.

I put them on the table but the wrong way around and said "oh sorry, I put a bit more in mine as I'm so hungry". He looked put out, so I apologised and said, you're welcome to it, honestly it's no big deal, I just didn't think you would eat it all. He refused, so I ate mine.

I could tell he was pissed off as he went quiet and cold and left food on his plate. So I asked him if he hadn't enjoyed his dinner and he said he's pissed off with me, that he would never do that to me and it was so rude to take a bigger serving. So I said sorry again, and it honestly was a split moment decision after I had already served two generous portions. I reminded him that I said at the time, it's no big deal you have got the big portion.

He then said I served him up "the scraps", all the mushrooms and tomatoes but I honestly didn't. It was two equal and large portions,

With hindsight, I should have served up and said there's a few bits left, do you want them? But it was a genuine split second decision and not malicious or calculated at all, which he seems to be implying.

We had a huge row on Thursday night because he was angry that when he likes to chat about the news or TV programmes that are on, I don't chat back and seem irritated. To be fair, I am, he continually asks questions and asks me to pause and rewind even when I've answered him. I just want to watch the bloody programme.

Anyway, he's upset me with a huge over reaction to three bits of pasta and I got upset and went upstairs.

He's come up since I started this post to make up and I said to him. I apologised before either of us had taken a mouthful and offered him the bigger plate. It pisses me off that he let me eat it and then causes a drama. Apparently that's the wrong answer. I should accept his approach to reconcile. I was in the wrong, I've behaved badly, I'm rude, I deliberately served him a quarter bowl of food and took the rest. What's wrong with you?

He's ranting now, I've locked myself in the bathroom and he's shouting outside that I think I'm perfect and a drama queen. I'm shit at relationships. It's my way or the way.

I know I made an initial mistake but really this is horrific.

OP posts:
daviesbrownsmithgreen · 18/09/2021 21:05

Don't ever feel bad for calling the police either. Often people will avoid ringing the police out of fear of it being "a waste of time" or a trivial matter. It is absolutely not. I have a friend who is a police offer and 90% of her call outs are for domestic violence incidents, she stresses constantly how important it is if you ever have that niggling fear to phone the police rather than wait for something more serious to happen. Your incident will get passed on to social services too so you will receive follow up support.

MuthaFunka61 · 18/09/2021 21:06

Another post supporting getting this man out of your house and ending the relationship. I'm also supporting the suggestion to call the police or others who this man will regard as authoritative and to do it now.

Do you have any clear idea of who you think will fill the authoritative role and reliably support you in reclaiming your home?

VestaTilley · 18/09/2021 21:06

No, you didn’t make any mistake. My DH would never be upset over something like this, and even if he was it would never end up with him screaming at me through a door. He wouldn’t ever talk to me like that.

Your DP is violent, controlling, abusive, unreasonable and behaving in a way that will escalate.

You need to leave him. Do you have somewhere safe to go?

He’ll try and get you back, he’ll promise to change, say he’s SO sorry, try and blame it on you. Don’t listen to him.

For the love of God, leave him.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/09/2021 21:06

After reading your first post I was wondering what happens when he cooks but after reading your follow ups I’ve decided that’s probably never an issue.
You must be feeling so upset at how this has escalated. I would also call the police. His behaviour is frightening. He needs to go and you need support with that. Get him out ASAP. He has money so ge can find somewhere to stay.

Flowers

Willow19C · 18/09/2021 21:07

Sorry, but he sounds like an arse.
I eat less than my DH. He always puts less on my plate, because of that. Why would he not?!

sloutside · 18/09/2021 21:07

This is one of these OP's where you start reading and think what the fuck is all this about.... there must be a backstory... and then sure enough with each update it gets worse. This is not about 3 pieces of pasta. This is about a vile, dick of a man, with 200K in the bank playing Lord of the Manor in a Manor that isn't even his and making sure his partner is kept in her place by constantly getting at her and bringing her down.

Get this fucking knob out of YOUR house tonight and keep him out.

nancydrew · 18/09/2021 21:07

@vinballs please call the police. You had to lock yourself in the bathroom and then run away. This is way out of control.

Willow19C · 18/09/2021 21:08

Sorry, I've just read the updates. OP, you know you need to leave him. I'm really sorry you're being treated like this.

VestaTilley · 18/09/2021 21:09

Just seen your updates.

Do you have anywhere safe you can go tonight?

Break up with him- go with a friend to the house tomorrow and tell him to leave immediately and to take all his things with him.

Have all the locks changed.

Do not ever take him back.

Thadhiya · 18/09/2021 21:09

@Willow19C

Sorry, but he sounds like an arse. I eat less than my DH. He always puts less on my plate, because of that. Why would he not?!
It's sort of escalated beyond pasta now.
katemuff · 18/09/2021 21:10

He's a manipulative bully. Go home and throw him out. Now! Please feel your power and do this now. Call time on the lazy gaslighting twat.

SRS29 · 18/09/2021 21:10

OP this sounds horrible and completely out of your control...be thankful you're financially independent and just move on, so many are not so fortunate.....good luck

C8H10N4O2 · 18/09/2021 21:11

@Daphnise

You ate two packets of pasta? (Just checked the post; it did say two packets) I would have thought that would feed about six.

Leaving that aside, don't pander to a whiny partner-it'll never end!

Excess pasta? That is your focus from the thread?
Teaandcakeordeath83 · 18/09/2021 21:12

Are you safe? Do you need to call someone?

That reaction over three pieces of pasta is insane. Yanbu. You deserve better. I hope you're safe.

Sexnotgender · 18/09/2021 21:12

Bin him. He sounds tedious. Please make sure you’re safe though.

Sakurami · 18/09/2021 21:14

Woah. Get yourself back in your house and if he doesn't open, call the police. And give him notice. This isn't about food, this is about something else but it's not your job to figure it out.

AttaGirrrrl · 18/09/2021 21:14

Is there someone you can phone to go with you to go back home? If not, call the police. You’ve had to leave your home and you’re scared to return because of hour partner’s behaviour. They’ll support you.

category12 · 18/09/2021 21:16

Get a hotel tonight.

Go back tomorrow with a friend/family or the police and tell him to leave.

pelosi · 18/09/2021 21:18

@toocold54

I could tell he was pissed off as he went quiet and cold and left food on his plate.

This doesn’t make sense as you said he leaves food anyway as he has a small appetite.

The pasta is irrelevant because you are both just using it as an excuse to have an argument. I think you are right that you are just not compatible.

Are you worried he’ll become violent? I would go in there and tell him you need to talk and say it’s obviously not working and it’s best you both have some space from each other. No one should be arguing over pasta.

Stop with the victim blaming please. OP did nothing wrong.
InnPain · 18/09/2021 21:18

@vinballs He sounds scary, you don’t sound safe or comfortable living with him. Reading your posts is making me nervous, I don’t think you both should be living together.

TheNoodlesIncident · 18/09/2021 21:18

Please get police help to get him out, he is not entitled to behave like this and you absolutely do not deserve it in any way.

Horrible man!

HappyintheHills · 18/09/2021 21:19

I'd call the police and ask them to accompany me returning to my home and asking gaslighting dickhead to leave.

Crikeyalmighty · 18/09/2021 21:20

Ask him to leave straight away OP - if he genuinely has money it’s not an issue— you appear to have landed yourself a full on lunatic.

nannannanana · 18/09/2021 21:23

Op you have what must be a lovely home. This guy has installed himself in your home.

You are obviously switched on to have achieved this on your own. Do not let him blind you to this.

Do what you need to to be safe tonight whether that is a hotel, police to get him out or stay with friends but get that fucker out.

At this point you must make that decision that it's done.

If you need to confront him do not do it alone.

ShaneTheThird · 18/09/2021 21:24

Op are you safe right now?