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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner angry about his food serving

297 replies

vinballs · 18/09/2021 20:24

Please tell me if I am BU.

For context, my partner has a small appetite, rarely finishes the food on his plate, I normally always eat more than him.

We have been out and just got home, I told him on the way home I was starving.

Our dinner for this evening was preplanned, filled pasta, drained and served with pan fried cherry tomatoes and mushrooms and then a pesto and crepe fraiche sauce stirred in, topped with Parmesan and served with garlic bread.

In the car home I had said that I would cook both packs of pasta and he said, good idea as one pack isn't really big enough for two but too much for one.

So we arrive home and I cook dinner, I served up two generous portions and there were about 3 pieces of pasta left so I put them into my bowl and truly thought he wouldn't even finish his serving.

I put them on the table but the wrong way around and said "oh sorry, I put a bit more in mine as I'm so hungry". He looked put out, so I apologised and said, you're welcome to it, honestly it's no big deal, I just didn't think you would eat it all. He refused, so I ate mine.

I could tell he was pissed off as he went quiet and cold and left food on his plate. So I asked him if he hadn't enjoyed his dinner and he said he's pissed off with me, that he would never do that to me and it was so rude to take a bigger serving. So I said sorry again, and it honestly was a split moment decision after I had already served two generous portions. I reminded him that I said at the time, it's no big deal you have got the big portion.

He then said I served him up "the scraps", all the mushrooms and tomatoes but I honestly didn't. It was two equal and large portions,

With hindsight, I should have served up and said there's a few bits left, do you want them? But it was a genuine split second decision and not malicious or calculated at all, which he seems to be implying.

We had a huge row on Thursday night because he was angry that when he likes to chat about the news or TV programmes that are on, I don't chat back and seem irritated. To be fair, I am, he continually asks questions and asks me to pause and rewind even when I've answered him. I just want to watch the bloody programme.

Anyway, he's upset me with a huge over reaction to three bits of pasta and I got upset and went upstairs.

He's come up since I started this post to make up and I said to him. I apologised before either of us had taken a mouthful and offered him the bigger plate. It pisses me off that he let me eat it and then causes a drama. Apparently that's the wrong answer. I should accept his approach to reconcile. I was in the wrong, I've behaved badly, I'm rude, I deliberately served him a quarter bowl of food and took the rest. What's wrong with you?

He's ranting now, I've locked myself in the bathroom and he's shouting outside that I think I'm perfect and a drama queen. I'm shit at relationships. It's my way or the way.

I know I made an initial mistake but really this is horrific.

OP posts:
Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 18/09/2021 20:45

OP if the house belongs to you, and you can't get back in, call a locksmith, get him to let you in, ask him to stay while you tell this man of yours to leave, if he won't go, call the police for assistance, and then get the locksmith to change the locks as soon as he's gone. You really sound scared, and for a second time around! Having experienced this before, you know you have to end it, and he sure as hell doesn't deserve you if he goes into a paddy about 3 pieces of pasta. What a jerk!

Wotwhywhen · 18/09/2021 20:45

He's saying
'its your way or the high way'
Whilst demanding you accept 'his way'

What an absolute fucking bell end.

He's being an abusive twat and using silences and moods to manipulate you to be his skivvy and always thon you're in the wrong, when you're not in the wrong at all.

He wants you to be second guessing everything and doing it all his way to 'keep the peace'
He's also playing on your fears and experience of abusive relationships to keep you in your place.

DON'T ACCEPT THIS BULLSHIT
Tell him to wind his neck in or fuck the fuck to the far side of fuck and when he gets there, go a bit further and fuck himself.

pelosi · 18/09/2021 20:46

@vinballs

He said if I'd just accepted his attempt to reconcile then it would have been over and I am the one who escalates everything. But he escalated by not accepting my immediate apology and offer of the bigger portion.

I don't think I'm wrong to point that out, am I?

Yep he’s saying that you have to make up with him when he expects you to but he doesn’t have to make up with you when you initiate it.

He’s got £200k in the back so bag up his things and don’t let him in. Can you lick him out?

Gorl · 18/09/2021 20:46

He sounds like an awful cunt in all honesty.

pelosi · 18/09/2021 20:46

*lock him out m

Bastard iPhone keypad

Angiefernackerpan · 18/09/2021 20:46

You're not wrong. Chuck him.

vinballs · 18/09/2021 20:46

He hasn't left, he must of gone to his car and started the engine but then gone back indoors.

As I was going back to the house I saw his shadow move inside.

I think you are all right, there is no way I can make sense of it. I just need to cut him loose and move on alone.

We argue a fair bit as I do challenge his behaviour and pull him up on it, but the fact is, it just continues.

I know if I went back snd said his behaviour was abusive he would tell me I'm abusive,

OP posts:
Gorl · 18/09/2021 20:47

Can you lick him out?

Don’t think he’s earned this tbh.

ZenNudist · 18/09/2021 20:47

Thank goodness you've copped on to him. Change the locks bin bags for his clothes and get rid.

vinballs · 18/09/2021 20:47

Must have

OP posts:
YawningAngel · 18/09/2021 20:47

You should leave. For your own safety and peace of mind.

olympicsrock · 18/09/2021 20:47

Horrible - you shouldn’t have to tread on egg shells.
Stingy bugger too . You can do better. Perhaps ask him to give you space and move out in the first instance.

pelosi · 18/09/2021 20:47

OP, call the police and have them except you inside.

pelosi · 18/09/2021 20:48

*escort you inside

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/09/2021 20:49

He's an abuser. It doesn't matter when you apologised or how, he wanted a fight and made one happen.
Get him out tonight and don't let him back in. Arsehole.

RicherThanYow · 18/09/2021 20:49

Leave leave leave leave leave! Tying yourself to this man is a miserable existence and it isn’t going to get better. He’s an absolute horror and you deserve so much more.

End it now, then block him, and get the locks changed. Honestly that type of asshole deserves to be alone forever. You can be happy.

vinballs · 18/09/2021 20:50

When I kept saying this is an over reaction to three bits of pasta, he keep going hmm hmmm hmm, clenching his jaw as if to say look at me trying to contain my anger at your stupid justification.

OP posts:
Snoozer11 · 18/09/2021 20:50

@mummaelle

Small man syndrome 🤝
Excuse me?
pelosi · 18/09/2021 20:50

@Gorl

Can you lick him out?

Don’t think he’s earned this tbh.

Neither do I! Awful typo. 😌
doitwithlove · 18/09/2021 20:51

Go back in to YOUR house, pack all his shit up as soon as you get in, tell him to fuck off with his shit. Get your keys off him and tell him to go.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 18/09/2021 20:51

Hope you’re ok OP.

He sounds like an absolute knob. Hopefully he’s gone out as you say. Once he’s gone go back to your home, lock the doors and don’t let him back in again.

Sparkletastic · 18/09/2021 20:51

Horrific as this night must feel at least it will be over and tomorrow will be a new day without him.

toocold54 · 18/09/2021 20:52

I could tell he was pissed off as he went quiet and cold and left food on his plate.

This doesn’t make sense as you said he leaves food anyway as he has a small appetite.

The pasta is irrelevant because you are both just using it as an excuse to have an argument. I think you are right that you are just not compatible.

Are you worried he’ll become violent? I would go in there and tell him you need to talk and say it’s obviously not working and it’s best you both have some space from each other. No one should be arguing over pasta.

TreacsPotNoodle · 18/09/2021 20:52

Ring the door bell and hide round the corner, when he opens the door and hopefully walks down the drive to look, run in the house and lock him outside with no keys. Absolute prick.

PaperhouseLegs · 18/09/2021 20:52

You sound scared Sad. Please don't go in alone if you think he is going to be an issue. Call someone for help, if you don't want the police at least a friend.