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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner angry about his food serving

297 replies

vinballs · 18/09/2021 20:24

Please tell me if I am BU.

For context, my partner has a small appetite, rarely finishes the food on his plate, I normally always eat more than him.

We have been out and just got home, I told him on the way home I was starving.

Our dinner for this evening was preplanned, filled pasta, drained and served with pan fried cherry tomatoes and mushrooms and then a pesto and crepe fraiche sauce stirred in, topped with Parmesan and served with garlic bread.

In the car home I had said that I would cook both packs of pasta and he said, good idea as one pack isn't really big enough for two but too much for one.

So we arrive home and I cook dinner, I served up two generous portions and there were about 3 pieces of pasta left so I put them into my bowl and truly thought he wouldn't even finish his serving.

I put them on the table but the wrong way around and said "oh sorry, I put a bit more in mine as I'm so hungry". He looked put out, so I apologised and said, you're welcome to it, honestly it's no big deal, I just didn't think you would eat it all. He refused, so I ate mine.

I could tell he was pissed off as he went quiet and cold and left food on his plate. So I asked him if he hadn't enjoyed his dinner and he said he's pissed off with me, that he would never do that to me and it was so rude to take a bigger serving. So I said sorry again, and it honestly was a split moment decision after I had already served two generous portions. I reminded him that I said at the time, it's no big deal you have got the big portion.

He then said I served him up "the scraps", all the mushrooms and tomatoes but I honestly didn't. It was two equal and large portions,

With hindsight, I should have served up and said there's a few bits left, do you want them? But it was a genuine split second decision and not malicious or calculated at all, which he seems to be implying.

We had a huge row on Thursday night because he was angry that when he likes to chat about the news or TV programmes that are on, I don't chat back and seem irritated. To be fair, I am, he continually asks questions and asks me to pause and rewind even when I've answered him. I just want to watch the bloody programme.

Anyway, he's upset me with a huge over reaction to three bits of pasta and I got upset and went upstairs.

He's come up since I started this post to make up and I said to him. I apologised before either of us had taken a mouthful and offered him the bigger plate. It pisses me off that he let me eat it and then causes a drama. Apparently that's the wrong answer. I should accept his approach to reconcile. I was in the wrong, I've behaved badly, I'm rude, I deliberately served him a quarter bowl of food and took the rest. What's wrong with you?

He's ranting now, I've locked myself in the bathroom and he's shouting outside that I think I'm perfect and a drama queen. I'm shit at relationships. It's my way or the way.

I know I made an initial mistake but really this is horrific.

OP posts:
Paq · 18/09/2021 21:29

He doesn't sound nice at all. I hope you can disentangle yourself from him. Do you have people IRL who can support you?

MondayYogurt · 18/09/2021 21:42

There's a pattern of abuse.

lking679 · 18/09/2021 21:44

Hope you’re okay. If he tries to persuade you not to leave him re read this thread. It is not normal to rant about a food serving.

lazylinguist · 18/09/2021 21:46

He sounds awful and abusive.

He said if I'd just accepted his attempt to reconcile then it would have been over and I am the one who escalates everything.

i.e. Do as I say, or else. . Run away, run away fast.

Honeyroar · 18/09/2021 21:52

I hope you’re ok. Your updates are scary. He sounds on the verge of being physically abusive

seriousandloyal · 18/09/2021 21:53

What a nasty piece of work he sounds. He was obviously just spoiling for an argument and any pretext would have done. Tell him to get out of your house and don't look back.

TolkiensFallow · 18/09/2021 21:55

I never say “LTB” but I honestly think you should.

You made him dinner (which sounds like a really delicious dinner) and it’s escalated to this. You’ve don’t nothing wrong. You literally made him dinner and now he’s gaslighting you and making you afraid.

This is not normal, this is not acceptable, you deserve better.

samwitwicky · 18/09/2021 22:01

Oh lovely, you shouldn't have to lock yourself in the bathroom because your partner can't handle something so trivial like a grown up.

I think you know what to do here x

Brollywasntneededafterall · 18/09/2021 22:06

Ring the police and get your home back. Get him out tonight... Under police supervision if necessary.. His temper seems to be at bubbling stage. He sounds enraged op. You need to be safe.

MajorCarolDanvers · 18/09/2021 22:08

He has massively overreacted about 3 pieces of pasta.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/09/2021 22:12

He said if I'd just accepted his attempt to reconcile then it would have been over and I am the one who escalates everything.

He's one step away from hitting you and "you made me do it." Please be safe, you cannot continue this relationship.

bigbaggyeyes · 18/09/2021 22:20

Ridiculous drama from him around 3 bits of pasta - he's completely over reacted and it blaming you for his over reaction

Mojoj · 18/09/2021 22:20

Sounds like he's been looking for an excuse to fight. How can you be bothered with shite like this? Life is short. Bin him and go live yours.

AmIteallythatstupid · 18/09/2021 22:21

This is no way to spend a Saturday night!

Morporkia · 18/09/2021 22:21

You need to call the police and get back inside your home. Hope you’re ok

billy1966 · 18/09/2021 22:22

You are in an abusive relationship with a nasty pig.

Call the police and tell them he has locked you out of YOUR home after you left because you were scared.

Get him out.
This will not get better.
Get him out of your home.

He is not a good man but a nasty abusive bully.

Flowers
FlowerArranger · 18/09/2021 22:23

@vinballs

I'm in my car parked around the corner but can see our garage where his car is. I think he's leaving in his car, so I will go back into my home.

I own the house and he pays me rent and bill money. We have lived with each other for 18 months. For the first year, he just paid bills as he had moved back to the UK from overseas and didn't have a job. Although nearly £200k in the bank. I'm a mug aren't I?

I wouldn't say you are a mug, but you let this man take advantage of you. Why do you think this is? Is there a pattern of you doing things for people even though you don't want to - or when it isn't in your best interest?

There's a book you may find useful. It's quite old, but there is a reason why it is still read after 20-odd years: Women Who Love Too Much, by Dr Robin Norwood.

I hope you can get rid of this entitled and abusive man without too much distress to yourself Flowers

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 18/09/2021 22:24

I'm sat at home, I've had a gorgous hot bubble bath, ate my cottage pie and mash with a really nice candle, a bottle of prosecco and my gorgeous fluffy cat, I've watched Strictly and now I'm going to bed and meeting friends tomorrow for breakfast. Perfect. If a relationship isn't making you happy you can leave and be happy. Your dp is ruining your night and you are agoinising over bits of pasta. Enough

WinterSunglasses · 18/09/2021 22:27

Call the police OP. He's become scary and threatening and you shouldn't have to take the risk of dealing with that by yourself. He is in your property, he's locked you out and he's physically intimidated you. Police involvement is absolutely appropriate here, please don't imagine you are going to far. Keep yourself safe.

cricketmum84 · 18/09/2021 22:29

Woah woah woah

You have had to lock yourself in the bathroom while he screams and shouts outside.

Why are you posting on mumsnet and not calling 101???

tobedtoMNandfart · 18/09/2021 22:32

Stop questioning yourself.

Do not discuss it any further.

GET HIM OUT.

TheChip · 18/09/2021 22:39

Are you okay, OP? Is he out?

shapes1 · 18/09/2021 22:39

F

lunar1 · 18/09/2021 22:39

I hope you are somewhere you feel safe. You have to end this and kick him out.

MatildaIThink · 18/09/2021 22:44

It is not about the pasta, it is not even about the TV shows, it is about communication. It seems he wants to communicate with you, to talk to you, to be considered in the relationship and you are not doing that.now without a fuller analysis of your relationship no one can be sure if it is you or him causing thr communication problems, but it is clear it is not about pasta.