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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AS husband stormed out of hotel

248 replies

Stressedagain21 · 15/09/2021 12:12

He's been gone over 1.5 hours now. We're on holiday. I think he thought that I was taking too long in the shower because it happened once before. I didn't think I was that long but when I came out he'd gone. I thought maybe he was in the gym but no. I've been walking around the streets looking for ages no sign of him and he's not answering his phone. He's probably in shutdown. Starting to worry. I'll try phoning him again but not sure what to do.

OP posts:
LaurenKelsey · 15/09/2021 18:37

I wouldn’t live like that. God, how awful to be at the mercy of that kind of ridiculous crap. I was married to a man who would lose his temper and storm off for days at a time while I was left an emotional mess. Finally grew up and sent him packing and now living alone (children are grown) is brilliant! I don’t need nor will I want a man around ever again.

dryasaboner · 15/09/2021 18:42

Bet he doesn't pull this behaviour at work...

JamieNorthlife · 15/09/2021 18:43

He's back now and apologised a bit, said we don't talk about stuff. Mentioned other relationship stuff that we struggle with. He was crying a bit saying he misses home. He seems to have calmed down though.

Can he travel back home?

You really need to think if this is how you want your life to be and will you be happy to still be his carer in 3, 5 or 10 years time?

You mentioned that he did not take the counselling via his workplace. Maybe you should have therapy to understand why you are allowing him to treat you like this.

LaurenKelsey · 15/09/2021 18:45

I wouldn’t be looking for him. He is capable of controlling himself and is choosing not to. I’m a retired teacher and worked with many ASD children. He’s not controlling himself but he is controlling you.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 15/09/2021 18:54

"I think maybe counselling or therapy would help us both, I always get left to arrange everything though and that can be mentally taxing. But if we can work out some plan on how to tackle his moods it might make things easier. He also suggested doing things apart, we are both introverted and enjoy doing things ourselves so I think this is a good idea, I just need him to not storm off and leave me hanging."

If WE can work out a plan on how to tackle HIS moods......

"Women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men,
It is not your job to fix him, change him, parent him or raise him.
You want a partner, not a project"
-Julia Roberts

TractorAndHeadphones · 15/09/2021 18:57

Have you settled with him OP - because you’re an introvert and feel it’s hard to get another partner?
While his behaviour may be hard to control because he has ASD - that is not your concern. You are not an emotional support human and the amount of managing etc you have to do will cause resentment and break you one day.
What is he doing for you? How does he make your life easy and pleasurable?
Also you have a partner so that you have someone on your side always. If you became ill/disabled would he step up or make it worse?

Of course someone developing MH issues or otherwise in a relationship is a different matter but from what you say he has never been easy. Why do you subject yourself to this?

TractorAndHeadphones · 15/09/2021 18:58

@RelentlessForwardProgress

"I think maybe counselling or therapy would help us both, I always get left to arrange everything though and that can be mentally taxing. But if we can work out some plan on how to tackle his moods it might make things easier. He also suggested doing things apart, we are both introverted and enjoy doing things ourselves so I think this is a good idea, I just need him to not storm off and leave me hanging."

If WE can work out a plan on how to tackle HIS moods......

"Women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men,
It is not your job to fix him, change him, parent him or raise him.
You want a partner, not a project"
-Julia Roberts

Exactly! And NOBODY is entitled to a partner. If they have nothing to offer they don’t get one.
GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/09/2021 19:05

Spending your life "walking on eggshells, waiting for the next explosion"? Being alone is better than being lonely.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? If you just don't want to be alone - get a dog. Or a cat. Or both. But pleeease,
get rid of him.
Separate, don't let his visa be renewed and send him home to his Mama and his house. There is something better for you in your life. Maybe a person, maybe personal peace.

flibberyjibbery8 · 15/09/2021 19:18

OP. He says you don't talk enough but you're on here talking to strangers all about him. Are you talking to him about what you're saying to us? You have to be honest to some degree on what you're thinking and feeling or it won't work.
He needs to work on himself too. Find new ways to deal with his anxiety, spd and AS overwhelm that doesn't involve you being afraid or left in the lurch. If he can't do that then it doesn't bode well for the relationship. A holiday is very overwhelming for an ND person from start to finish but that's only your problem so far. He has to at least try to help himself if it's possible.

Thighdentitycrisis · 15/09/2021 19:28

My ex did this type of sulk and he doesn’t have AS (D)

My son (not son of ex) has AS and doesn’t behave in this selfish and deliberately hurtful way

Watchingyouwazowski · 15/09/2021 19:33

My son has an ASC diagnosis, along with other MH issues. He’s a teenager. He wouldn’t treat his girlfriend like this. He does have episodes similar to the ones you describe in your DH but when he comes out of them, he is apologetic and knows he needs to work on coping mechanisms. It must be hard getting a diagnosis as an adult and therefore having had so many years of behaving a particular way. I still think your DH could treat you better. Take care.

TheWeeDonkey · 15/09/2021 19:43

He's not getting any therapy or counselling or currently taking medication.

I think maybe counselling or therapy would help us both, I always get left to arrange everything though and that can be mentally taxing. But if we can work out some plan on how to tackle his moods it might make things easier.

Can you see how both of these statements contradict each other?

AS must be difficult to live with, but he's an adult and he needs to learn some coping strategies. ou are not his mother or his carer.

His behaviour sounds dangerously close to abuse and manipulation. Have you ever heard of the 'Dread Game'?
“Dread game is a technique to use in relationships where you make a girl worried that something is wrong or that you may leave her for another woman… she wants to alleviate the stress by trying to please you.”
Does this sound familiar?

Maybe some individual therapy for you would help you understand why you feel the need to take on this carer role rather than an equally fullfilling relationship.

TintinIsBack · 15/09/2021 19:52

Except that it’s not unusual for people on the spectrum to struggle to organise anything like this. Not because it’s counselling etc… but because any organisation and deciding who would be the best person etc… can be very hard for them.

Wo knowing this guy, it’s impossible to say if it’s the ASD or him being an arse.

TintinIsBack · 15/09/2021 19:53

@dryasaboner

Bet he doesn't pull this behaviour at work...
Read the thread again. He can only cope with WHF because otherwise he goes unto meltdown… so yes he is pulling that sort if behaviour at work too.

So yes he works but he is also pretty affected by it.

VodselForDinner · 15/09/2021 20:06

This is no way to live your life.

IAAP · 15/09/2021 20:27

You know his behaviour is not normal and is abuse -yes?

Counselling and action to change from him. Not apologising from me would be the only way to save this.

IAAP · 15/09/2021 20:30

My father did shit like this all the time. Walk off and then we would be out looking for him and apologisng to make him come home and all because he had stormed off -once because I made him a cup of tea too weak. Frantically running around looking for him, apologising, ..............he is training you -don't rock the boat, don't upset you, my needs are more important than yours...............

dryasaboner · 15/09/2021 20:36

@TintinIsBack

Except that it’s not unusual for people on the spectrum to struggle to organise anything like this. Not because it’s counselling etc… but because any organisation and deciding who would be the best person etc… can be very hard for them.

Wo knowing this guy, it’s impossible to say if it’s the ASD or him being an arse.

Sorry but he would be dismissed if he was having tantrums everytime something triggered him working from home or not. He's not a child or adolescent who is new to managing his emotions without getting frequently overwhelmed or he would be in supported living
GettingItOutThere · 15/09/2021 20:40

what do you get out of this relationship OP?

you own your house, dont have kids together? How long have you actually been living together if its long distance?

I would call time and get a divorce asap! sounds like hell and life is for living not suffering!

Dorisspider · 15/09/2021 20:51

How very controlling of him. Poor thing, hope you are ok x

Siepie · 15/09/2021 21:12

I can't count how many family holidays my father ruined by doing this. He also occasionally did other manipulative things, including threatening suicide if we did things he didn't like. My mother is still with him, thoroughly miserable and walking on eggshells but unwilling to leave because "it's not his fault" (he has - or says he has - undiagnosed mental health issues).

If it happens again, just go out and enjoy yourself. And rethink your relationship. He can fly back to his country and stay in his property there. I would much rather be single than be in a relationship like that.

TractorAndHeadphones · 15/09/2021 21:14

@TintinIsBack

Except that it’s not unusual for people on the spectrum to struggle to organise anything like this. Not because it’s counselling etc… but because any organisation and deciding who would be the best person etc… can be very hard for them.

Wo knowing this guy, it’s impossible to say if it’s the ASD or him being an arse.

Having worked with /dated a lot of ASD people (and having an ASD partner myself) some can control their behaviour, some can with a lot of effort, some can’t at all. I’m ND myself . We don’t know which category he’s in but does it matter? Arse or ASD the effect is the same, OP has to expend an unusual amount of effort in ‘managing’ him. If this effort outweighs the benefits she gets from the relationship she can and should leave.
flibberyjibbery8 · 15/09/2021 22:54

@Watchingyouwazowski

My son has an ASC diagnosis, along with other MH issues. He’s a teenager. He wouldn’t treat his girlfriend like this. He does have episodes similar to the ones you describe in your DH but when he comes out of them, he is apologetic and knows he needs to work on coping mechanisms. It must be hard getting a diagnosis as an adult and therefore having had so many years of behaving a particular way. I still think your DH could treat you better. Take care.
Comparing your son isn't particularly useful as if you know one person on the spectrum, then you know one person on the spectrum.
dryasaboner · 15/09/2021 23:14

I'm sorry but arse or ASD has made me chuckle

billy1966 · 15/09/2021 23:34

You need legal advice.

A short marriage shouldn't cost you much, if anything.

This is no way to live.

Flowers