AS husband stormed out of hotel

[Stressedagain21]

He's been gone over 1.5 hours now. We're on holiday. I think he thought that I was taking too long in the shower because it happened once before. I didn't think I was that long but when I came out he'd gone. I thought maybe he was in the gym but no. I've been walking around the streets looking for ages no sign of him and he's not answering his phone. He's probably in shutdown. Starting to worry. I'll try phoning him again but not sure what to do.

it seem that you are projecting, because the OP has not actually said that. She has alluded to it using words like “shutdown” but otherwise the random AS in the title seems rather incongruous. Hence my post.

What else would it mean?

I have every sympathy with the OP’s predicament, but if you’re correct and she thinks arseholery is caused by autism then she needs to educate herself

I've looked into ASD a bit as a consultant suggested I had it. I'm in a support group on FB and there are constantly people saying they or their children can't help behaviours that would be considered irritating, obnoxious, or abusive if anyone else did it, and that they're not doing anything wrong, and no-one should suggest they can behave differently.

People are encouraged to accept any behaviour from someone with ASD because they might not be able to help it.

That is one of the prevailing narratives about ASD and that's the manner in which OP is posting- that her husband can't help doing this even though it's upsetting to her, and that she should worry about him, and modify her behaviour to avoid him kicking off etc.

She isn't saying he's behaving like an arse and probably is one. She's just concerned that he's vanished as a result of her doing something 'wrong.'

It's others that are trying to get through to her that this is controlling/abusive and not ok.

Sorry, that was meant for @NotPersephone of course.

Thanks everyone, he was coming up the stairs when I was leaving. He said he'd been out walking but not saying much else. He sat outside on a bench for a bit and eventually we went to get lunch. Unfortunately the cafe I chose was a bit noisy loud music and talking and he was sitting rocking a bit and covering his face. Not really speaking.

He does have MH issues too along with the AS, depression and anxiety so that's why I was worried. I know things aren't good, unfortunately he is from overseas so if we split he would need to sort a flight back and its ridiculously expensive just now he's not been able to visit family during the pandemic.

Am a bit calmed down now might look around the shops later if he wants to go back to the room. Thanks everyone I just panic. He has said before that I should just do my own thing when he's like this.

He's gone back to the hotel now.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Exactly how long were you in the shower for? Did you know he was hungry?

FFS. AS or not, he is a grown man, & able to deal with finding breakfast on his own. It's not OP's responsibility to time her showers to another adult's whim, or ask them how hungry they are.

@MaxNormal

I have ASD and there's no way I'd put up with something like this.

And blocking your own wife on Fb? Is he nine years old?

I've asd and I wouldn't put up with this sulking either. So many people use neurodiversity as an excuse to be assholes

@NotPersephone, the thing is, it can be VERY hard to know what is and isn't link to ASD.
Even if 'you educate yourself', you are also surrounded by comments about how as an NT you have it easy and really you ought to make allowances for the ASD person.

The situation is very different than with a child where you are in control. You are there to teach. Tecah a child how to handle situation (whether its ASD or tantrums/bad behaviours). You don't do that with an adult. You don't have control. You often left to GUESS whether its being an arsehole or actually them being overwhelmed.
And tbh, it's often BOTH at the same time because they've developped coping strategies that are just not suitable.

Having a go at a partner who s trying btheir best 'because they can't see it's abuse and not ASD' because really it shouod be obvious if you had educate yourself is

1- an attack on the person who is the victim
2- not helpful at all
3- is making all about the NT person 'not knowing' (except this time its not knowing its not ASD) rather than about the ASD person who happen to be misbehaving too
4- is forgetting that when you are talkig about abuse, many many women do NOT recognise the signs. Why woulod you have a god at someone in that position because their patner happen to be ASD if you wouldnt if they were NT

Usually when he shuts down it's at home and he is so overwhelmed he can't speak or look at me and might go to bed or read or something. The worst time lasted 3 days and he then turned it on me and said I'd been ignoring him! It doesn't happen very often though. He's not blocked or deleted me on FB etc this time, he's done that before.

This is emotional abuse.

You don't have to live with this abusive dickhead.

I have relatives with ASD and you really do need to prioritise food when they’re hungry (and sleep when they’re tired) to minimise meltdowns like this.

Would it not be sensible to make sure there's something to eat at all times then?
I'm not suggesting pandering to him but if this is a genuine aspect of his condition, would it not make life easier?

Did he even feed himself? Or just sulk?

"He does have MH issues too along with the AS, depression and anxiety so that's why I was worried. I know things aren't good, unfortunately he is from overseas so if we split he would need to sort a flight back and its ridiculously expensive just now he's not been able to visit family during the pandemic".

Many families have been separated from their loved ones during the pandemic but this is still no reason for you to be treated as you have been by him. It is also not your problem that he would need to sort a flight back (he may choose to remain in the UK for instance).
If you were to split up its down to him to sort his life out going forward, why do you feel so very responsible for him?. Are you codependent in relationships?. His needs here are NOT more important than yours.

What sort of health professionals diagnosed him with AS, depression and anxiety?. You do know he may be depressed because he is angry, not because he is depressed. Many abusive men use mental health problems as an excuse to beat their chosen target with.

How does he behave around and to people in the outside world?. Is it for you alone that this is directed at?.

He sounds like a horrible, abusive controlling dickhead. I wouldn't be 'kind and calming' to him when you see him next. I'd be making escape plans

I think @MichelleScarn says all that needs to be said.
Stop pandering to his immature ways.

Would it not be sensible to make sure there's something to eat at all times then?

It would be sensible for HIM to make sure there is something to eat at all times, absolutely.

Life's too short OP.

I've had all of this from my abusive ex, my DF too. I mean I am not going to pretend that I know much about AS, because I don't, but then other replies have said what I was thinking, about that not excusing anything and everything that he does. This is abusive. In a normal world, I mean I take a long time in the shower/bathroom etc, but then there are ways of communicating and dealing with that, for example my ex, instead of doing his usual crap, would go out before me and so I could finish what I was doing and wait for me somewhere. But then he could take a long time doing things sometimes, and I waited, then you feel stupid that you waited and they couldn't, and it goes on and on.

I couldn't live with this again, and I give my DF a wide birth wherever possible now too. Please don't put up with this any longer than you have to!

Thanks everyone, he was coming up the stairs when I was leaving. He said he'd been out walking but not saying much else. He sat outside on a bench for a bit and eventually we went to get lunch. Unfortunately the cafe I chose was a bit noisy loud music and talking and he was sitting rocking a bit and covering his face. Not really speaking.

@Stressedagain21 You are providing one on one psychiatric nursing care to your husband for free. I have a severe mental health disability so it's not like I don't know about this stuff, but all this shouldn't be a regular/constant thing. Not the random behaviours, and definitely not the abusive and controlling ones. To me the rocking etc is a stereotype of a person with autism. Maybe I'm too much of a skeptic, but I would not take that entirely on face value when it's coming from him and in these circumstances. I would see it as part of his attempts to manipulate you.

He does have MH issues too along with the AS, depression and anxiety so that's why I was worried. I know things aren't good, unfortunately he is from overseas so if we split he would need to sort a flight back and its ridiculously expensive just now he's not been able to visit family during the pandemic.

He is manipulative and uses making you feel sorry for/worried about him as a way of trying to make sure you don't separate from him no matter how unpleasantly he treats you.

I would keep a log somewhere of the times he kicks off and other things he does that upset or worry you, including disappearing etc. This'll help you see what's going on and keep your eyes open to the reality of what's happening. Keep it somewhere private either online or IRL.

You could also use this thread for that too. Your wellbeing is as important as his- in fact it's more important, as you are you and your main responsibility in life is to take care of yourself and make as comfortable a life for yourself as you possibly can.

Feel free to tell us more about any other ways he's behaved/instances that you've found unpleasant. x

@Stressedagain21

Thanks everyone, he was coming up the stairs when I was leaving. He said he'd been out walking but not saying much else. He sat outside on a bench for a bit and eventually we went to get lunch. Unfortunately the cafe I chose was a bit noisy loud music and talking and he was sitting rocking a bit and covering his face. Not really speaking.

He does have MH issues too along with the AS, depression and anxiety so that's why I was worried. I know things aren't good, unfortunately he is from overseas so if we split he would need to sort a flight back and its ridiculously expensive just now he's not been able to visit family during the pandemic.

Am a bit calmed down now might look around the shops later if he wants to go back to the room. Thanks everyone I just panic. He has said before that I should just do my own thing when he's like this.

He's gone back to the hotel now.

Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

"he is from overseas so if we split he would need to sort a flight back"
Well it's not like he'd have to do that same day, would he? Are you really going to let the rest of your life be held hostage?

This is no way to live.

He has said before that I should just do my own thing when he's like this.

Well then, can you stop worrying about him and get on until he's ready to come back? Because if you can't then this relationship is going to destroy you.

The worst time lasted 3 days and he then turned it on me and said I'd been ignoring him! It doesn't happen very often though. He's not blocked or deleted me on FB etc this time, he's done that before.

Blimey, 3 days is a very long time. More than a couple of hours to calm down is a severe problem and (ASC or not) I'd question if it's viable for him to be in a close relationship at all. And then he is accusing you of ignoring him - that's not ASC, that's just wrong. Were you messaging him on Facebook with alerts? Otherwise deleting you on Facebook is just petty spiteful behaviour.

Would it not be sensible to make sure there's something to eat at all times then?

If it's a genuine aspect of his condition (and yes, for some people with ASCs it is) then he would need to take steps himself so there's always something to eat, not the OP. It would be his responsibility to self manage and make their lives easier. Otherwise it is pandering.

first regardless of other comments - leave him a cheerful message saying something like "Hi I am just going to lunch at ... it would nice to meet up & have our last day of the holiday together - so ring me. Other wise have a good day" & leave a note in the hotel room - if you go out further & he hasn't answered you by the time you have had lunch leave another message & tell where you are going. But - do go out - did he tell you of any plans for the day?
Every person with ASD is different (!) & yes they are as a capable of being nasty or selfish. But men with ASD CAN be more single tracked & worse at communication than women & I bet he has got caught up on his plans for the day -

I am saying this with experience of dealing with a male connection to my family

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Stop looking for him. Go and do something and think about whether this relationship is making you happy.

exactly. do you want to spend your life like this. pandering to this nonsense. he is not your child. nor your client. this doesn't sound like a mutually supportive partnership. are you prone to rescuing type behaviours. it can be a habit. and a snare. don't let it trap you. your life is as important as his. don't spend it deferring to his problems.

@Stressedagain21

I also told him after the last time to bang on the door and tell me to hurry up if he thinks I'm being too long rather than storming off like that.

It's frustrating.

This stood out to me.

Surely he needs to learn coping mechanisms rather than others bend to him?

No one gets everything all their own way!

Your life sounds like a bundle of fun.
Imagine 60+years of that.

[quote Redgeraniums]@NotPersephone
Also if your BAME husband had managed to persuade he abused you because, BAME.
Then it would be fucking relevant [/quote]
As a one time relationship therapist I've seen that happen so often. Abusive behaviour justified 'because it's my culture' as if the partner was somehow being racist to object to being hit or raped or financially controlled.

In this case the AS is irrelevant to the behaviour but not to the OPs reaction. She has been brainwashed or conned into thinking her husband can act like a total arse and it's her fault for not being more accommodating of his needs. Which is total bollocks.

I hope you have gone out for a lovely day OP. Leave this man-child to his own devices.