AS husband stormed out of hotel

[Stressedagain21]

He's been gone over 1.5 hours now. We're on holiday. I think he thought that I was taking too long in the shower because it happened once before. I didn't think I was that long but when I came out he'd gone. I thought maybe he was in the gym but no. I've been walking around the streets looking for ages no sign of him and he's not answering his phone. He's probably in shutdown. Starting to worry. I'll try phoning him again but not sure what to do.

Is there a large age difference between you? In addition to his behavior being emotionally abusive he appears immature and you seem to have adopted the carer/fixer role. I wondered if this is being partially driven by your respective ages?

You don’t have to answer of course.

So he was on meds before that made him feel like a zombie.

And because he doesn’t want to feel like that his unmedicated behaviour makes you feel stressed, walking on eggshells and worried.

How’s that right.

You mentioned other things you struggle with together.

The more I read the more I feel that he’s not the one for you. Are you a Rescuer? Do you like fixing broken people? If so perhaps you’ve tried to make him your project but you’re not really helping him as he’s not helping himself.

The fact he said he misses his family after he’s stormed out makes me think he’d have run to them had they been in this country. ie left you. So perhaps you have to face that he’s using you for a visa, you’re not compatible and he needs to get his selfish area round to the GP and get a different type of meds that don’t zombie him but do help him.

He needs to learn coping strategies himself. He’s not stupid. He’s an adult who is perfectly capable of doing that. And when he was single he’d have had to make his own GP appointments etc so don’t be mothering him.

Seek legal advice re what he’s entitled to from you in divorce settlement.

@dryasaboner, read the OP again and see what sort of measures have been put in place at his work. This is someone with a diagnosis protected by the disability act and yes measure will be out in place for him so that he avoid meltdowns (they are meltdowns, NOT tantrums)

People with ASD do have tantrums at work too. And if they don’t, just like children on the spectrum, they explode once they arrive back home. Not sure this is much better tbh.

Unless of course, it’s better for them to just be hiding and live on disability benefits maybe?

The follow on from that is that the behaviour is still hurtful so needs to be addressed in a way that works for both people.

And it needs to be addressed by both people. "I didn't mean to hurt you" doesn't differ from deliberate abuse unless you can also say "I am doing everything possible to avoid hurting you". Think of someone who steps on your toes because they have poor balance and refuse to use a walking frame. They may adore you and depend on you tomhold them up, they don't mean to hurt you either, but your toes are not as important to them as not having to use a walking frame.

Yes I agree @AmaryllisNightAndDay

I actualkly think that the ball is the DH camp here too because the OP can do a lot but he is the only person who can say what would or wouldn't work for him. And what is or isn't possible for him to do.

There's only 4 years age difference and he didn't move from somewhere dangerous or anything. He didn't like certain things about where he lived but he tends to complain about wherever he is.

We chatted a bit about things when we went to dinner. He said that he feels inadequate as a man (some sexual issues amongst other things) and he'd started thinking about all that when I was in the shower and had to get out.

He was also surprised to hear that I had been stressed out and worried by his disappearance. It hadn't occurred to him. He said he didn't think I cared and thought I would have just been sitting in the hotel on my phone.

Last night went OK but I was feeling wiped and went back to the hotel early to sleep. He stayed in the pub until nearly 1am, he seemed a bit hungover this morning. Today was nice, we went for a walk after breakfast and things were fine, we were both calm but of course I'm thinking about everything and wondering what to do. We do get on well but are more like friends or roommates. At home he frequently leaves me to sleep in the spare room, I snore apparently so he's having to wear earplugs in bed just now and they're not comfortable.

We need to have a proper discussion about our relationship but it can wait until we're back home. Thanks for all the advice. I tend to coast along feeling like things are OK and then something happens like yesterday and it's awful and makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing with him.

We do get on well but are more like friends or roommates. At home he frequently leaves me to sleep in the spare room

I think you both need to talk about your relationship.

[quote TintinIsBack]@dryasaboner, read the OP again and see what sort of measures have been put in place at his work. This is someone with a diagnosis protected by the disability act and yes measure will be out in place for him so that he avoid meltdowns (they are meltdowns, NOT tantrums)

People with ASD do have tantrums at work too. And if they don’t, just like children on the spectrum, they explode once they arrive back home. Not sure this is much better tbh.

Unless of course, it’s better for them to just be hiding and live on disability benefits maybe?[/quote]
The only measure that has been put in place is him never going to the office again. So he IS hiding already.

Also bear in mind that while diagnoses are protected by law - employers have to make reasonable effort to accommodate them. Like giving them their own offices. It doesn't mean that they have to continue to employ them at all costs no matter what they do.

Do you expect the OP to sit at home all the time and never go out with her husband?

Also OP please put yourself first in your dealings with him. Women are socialised to be people pleasers. You may find that despite his very very best efforts he is unable to control himself (or it takes too much effort). That's not his fault , doesn't mean he's a bad person. But it's also not your problem to fix. A relationship is not a human right like water and oxygen. It must be mutually beneficial to both parties.

I speak as someone with lots of experience. Most of my partners (not random people I've dated) have been autistic. None of them were bad people but having to plan my life etc around them was draining. It would have been unfair to both me and them to continue dating them, No matter how much we talked and how hard they tried controlling themselves needed superhuman levels of effort. It would be better for them to be single, and themselves all the time than it was to be partnered up and expend the mental effort needed to be responsive.

“He said he didn't think I cared”

That either means he genuinely thinks that which just shows he doesn’t appreciate the things you do for him or he doesn’t mean it and he’s manipulative.

@MimiDaisy11

“He said he didn't think I cared”

That either means he genuinely thinks that which just shows he doesn’t appreciate the things you do for him or he doesn’t mean it and he’s manipulative.

It means he is autistic and finds it incredibly difficult to ‘guess’ what others feel/think. He will also not be able to put himself in someone else shoes. Also worth remembering he is also probably finding hard to read facial expression and know the effect of his actions from that.

The fact he has been diagnosed as an adult probably has made things worse if no one ever took the time to explain all that to him (I know I have with ds2 because he often doesn’t get why someone can have an issue if he doesn’t).

This is the issue with autism. You can’t use your usual landmarks to assess if someone is being an ArSe or AS.

@TractorAndHeadphones, I’ll refer you to my other posts on this thread.

Yes it's difficult to tell if it's intentional or not. And he definitely struggles with facial expressions. Like he thought I was angry once when we were watching a movie together. I wasn't, I was tensed up with anticipation during a scary scene. But he thought my facial expression = anger. He sometimes tries to guess what mood I'm in, randomly asks if I'm sad and stuff. Sometimes he gets it right but it takes a lot of concentration on his part.

Definitely correct re the late diagnosis too, I don't know much about autistic kids but DH really struggled growing up and was bullied a lot too. He's even told me that he gets scared walking past groups of people because he thinks they might attack him.

I couldn't live life like this. It sounds miserable.

[quote TintinIsBack]@TractorAndHeadphones, I’ll refer you to my other posts on this thread.[/quote]
Not sure what your point is?
All you've done is explain why his behaviour may not be his fault. I agree.
What I have said however is that it's not OP's job to manage him. With a lot of help etc he could improve - but OP isn't his mother to facilitate all that at her expense.
The other possibility is that controlling himself and 'working with her' might be too much mental effort for him. I'm not sure whether you know anything about this since all you mention is being the parent of an autistic child but as a neurodiverse person myself having to fit my brain into what everyone else deems acceptable is exhausting. I would rather be single and not have to watch myself all the time ; but equally for a partner to be constantly kept on their toes by me isn't fun either. If I hadn't met someone who suited I'd have stayed single. It's not that bad.

After splitting from my ex I had some therapy. One thing he did was storm off and stay out for however long and when he came back expected me to not be upset that he'd stormed off, I was supposed to ignore it, just like his mother did. He told me when he was young if he got angry, worked up whatever, he would storm off, and when he came back his parents would make a fuss of him because he had obviously been upset, they didn't address the cause of the upset, or talk about what led up to it. I on the other hand was left upset and felt it was important to talk about what had led up to it. Usually it was that he was not geting his own way or something mysterious. Counsellor pointed out that ok that had worked for him when he was a child but his parents had reinforced the behaviour by rewarding him with positive attention when he came back, and never addressed whatever had lead up to it. This was a different relationship and his belief that everyone should treat him as his parents had was totally unreasonable
Yes, spoiling holidays etc, so very often. Including a time when I was accused of taking too long in the bath, which i absolutely wasn't, in this case, we were with a group and having berated me for how long I spent as we would be late for breakfast, we spent absolutely ages waiting for everyone to come down, which they did [mostly] by the time we were supposed to be there for breakfast. Truth was that he was appalling at being anywhere on time, so was dealing with not wanting to be seen to be late by his friends by attacking me [who knew exactly what time we were supposed to be there, and was working towards that with that in mind, including enough time for him to bathe ] . Ironically later that day he did storm off from his friends who did ignore him but at least they never rewarded him with attention when he came back.
He was abusive in very many other ways too, and often projected on me. No idea what his mental difficulties were, he would never seek help. But even if he was diagnosed with something it was still wrong behaviour

[quote TintinIsBack]@TractorAndHeadphones, I’ll refer you to my other posts on this thread.[/quote]
You sound like another enabler
Grown adults are not projects to be saved/cured/solved whatever their diagnosis is. ASD is a possible reason for treating the OP badly it's certainly not an excuse and it's certainly not the only reason

Off the point, really, but how does it take 30 minutes to shower?

I would really think very carefully about whether or not you want to spend your life like this.

@Droite

Off the point, really, but how does it take 30 minutes to shower?

I um, wasn't spending all that time showering, per se.

Feeling quite miserable about things today and as usual when I start thinking about how crap one area of my life is I begin questioning the rest of it. Need to try and pull myself out of this hole.

You don’t need to have a reason for leaving any relationship if it’s making you this miserable.
None at all, you can just say, I’ve tried, it’s not making me happy. This isn’t the life I want to lead.
That’s perfectly ok.
You don’t need to martyr yourself for anyone, this isn’t the 1930s

It just doesn't sound fun OP.

As PP's have said, he should be doing all he can to improve/manage his mental health so as to help your relationship/you. You could say that to him, that you'll only stick with him if he accepts medication and/or counselling as it's not fair on you.

I have bipolar amongst other issues and I wouldn't dream of not doing a lot for my health, especially if it was having an impact on loved ones.

I think some therapies can help people experiencing meltdowns, for instance some people find DBT helpful for managing emotions. That didn't do much for me but then I had EMDR, which helped a lot with the after effects of bullying etc.

Checking in OP see how you are getting on the last few days.