AS husband stormed out of hotel

[Stressedagain21]

He's been gone over 1.5 hours now. We're on holiday. I think he thought that I was taking too long in the shower because it happened once before. I didn't think I was that long but when I came out he'd gone. I thought maybe he was in the gym but no. I've been walking around the streets looking for ages no sign of him and he's not answering his phone. He's probably in shutdown. Starting to worry. I'll try phoning him again but not sure what to do.

Please don't worry.

Worrying is for when someone is acting out of character. He clearly isn't.

I think he gets annoyed because he's hungry and kept waiting for breakfast.

Exactly how long were you in the shower for? Did you know he was hungry?

Hmmm, your update makes me want to point out that just because he has AS doesn't mean he isn't also an inconsiderate dickhead.

Agree with PP - leave a note, go and enjoy your day and consider whether you want to stay married to him.

I'm autistic. He isn't doing this because he's autistic, he sounds abusive to me.
I would get on with your day and when he finally appears I'd be having very stern words about his behaviour. It is not ok for him to behave like this.

We have a lot of aspergers in our family although it isn't given as a diagnosis any more, it's all ASD now
He us using it to control you and being a dick. Pandering to this will make him worse. His ASD does not give him the right to order you around like this

I don't think just AS would cause a reaction like that. Has he had any professional help to control his emotions and reactions? If he's done this before and you can predict what caused it it suggests he often reacts badly or rashly to situations that don't cause harm.

Wow, as others said this is no way to live.
He deletes you on Facebook when he’s in a mood with you? Does he re-request you when he decides you are forgiven?
I mean fuck that.

Enjoy your lunch and leave him to his sulking.

I don’t know how you put up with this. Please remember that you only have one life. Is this really now you want to spend it?

Aspergers is not an excuse for his behaviour. My DD has ASD and I'm clear with her that although things might be more difficult for her, her ASD does not excuse unacceptable behaviour.

Leave a note in the hotel room to tell him you've gone out for the day, or text him.

Go and do something you want to do.

If he has gone home leave him to it. Continue the rest of your holiday and pack your stuff to take home when you leave. I'd be shoving his stuff in a case and leaving it at the hotel reception for him to collect himself if he really has left you there.

You're entitled to take as long as you want in a shower. It's not for him to decide how long is ok and not ok. He is the one behaving ridiculously not you. Do you really want to continue to live with someone who is so irritable and unreasonable?

I think it may depend where he falls on the spectrum to what you need to do.
My adult youngest son has Aspergers [ASD] and TBH he struggles far more with changes to his routines than his brother with Kanners [ASD]. IF my eldest son takes off that has to go straight to the police due to his vulnerability. If my youngest hits maxed out on changes we have what we call a UXB. He can go off in any direction like a claymore mine once his stress stamp book has been filled. He removes himself and finds something active to do like fast walking as a coping strategy. TBH we have to wait till he has calmed down enough to communicate and respond to his phone. We send texts as he finds them easier to cope with than actual calls. The past few months of covid have been pretty stressful for both. Maybe develop a coping social story i.e. I accept if your overwhelmed you need to remove yourself and do something that helps you cope. I need you to send me a text message to let me know you are okay, roughly where you are and an expected time you will be back to help me cope.

Have lunch and try to stay calm so you can have a factual conversation about what you need when he hits the end of his own stress stamp book and takes off.

@Stressedagain21

I also told him after the last time to bang on the door and tell me to hurry up if he thinks I'm being too long rather than storming off like that.

It's frustrating.

Or he could just go and get himself something to eat and leave a note to let you know where he is if you're taking too long. Why should he get to disturb you having a shower etc?

He sounds like a horrible, abusive controlling dickhead. I wouldn't be 'kind and calming' to him when you see him next. I'd be making escape plans.

Stop pandering to his temper tantrum and just get on with your day.

This is disgusting behaviour and Asperger or not, shouldn't be tolerated.

Has he possibly gone to wherever you were both planning to go out to but just didn't want to wait around for you any longer. Go out, send him a message to say where you've gone and that you'll catch up with him there or back at the hotel later. When he's calm, discuss strategies for how to deal with this sort of situation in future. Just because he has AS doesn't mean he can behave like this - he just needs to learn acceptable coping strategies. My adult DS has AS although it's usually us waiting for him to be ready to go out, on the rare occasions it's the other way around he does get a little impatient but he has to learn to wait!

Ignore him, the responsibility for him walking out is all his. Carry on with your day as normal.

Why are you and he still together given this repeated behaviour from him?.

Wasnt aware that autism was an excuse for being a manipulative, controlling asshat. Oh wait, because it isn't! Fucks sake op, he is a grown man, let him deal with the consequences of his own arsey behaviour. Enjoy the rest of your holiday as best as you can. You know who also throws strops in order to punish you for slight 'discressions' -abusers. They live to ruin holidays too.

Why the fuck are you tolerating this shit?
I'd be tempted to ask for another of room, charge it to his card and stay separately for the remainder of the trip.

@SherryPalmer

I don’t know how you put up with this. Please remember that you only have one life. Is this really now you want to spend it?

This^

I mean you’re on holiday, why can’t have a nice relaxing shower? And your solution would be for him to bang on the door to tell you to hurry? I just find that sad. Best of luck to you.

Aaah, the classic, "I get to treat my wife (but not my employer/friends/other people) astonishingly badly and SHE must feel bad for ME because I have mental health issues and/or had a tough childhood and/or suffer with ASD/Autism/insert" excuse.

It's BOLLOCKS OP. Don't put up with this.

I'm autistic and echo others.

This isn't an excuse. It's abusive.

He sounds like a child.

I couldn't deal with this and would not stay married to a petulant and ridiculous adult.... As a PP has said: AS isn t an excuse for treating loved ones cruelly.

Why are you putting up with this? Having autism doesn’t give someone the right to be an arsehole. The two things are mutually exclusive and not linked. (I have a son with severe autism and a dh with autism and bipolar disorder so I recognise how difficult it can be!)

Don’t pander to him by trying to find him. Do your own thing and completely ignore him.

Why would you be worried about him? Is he vulnerable in some way?

What he's doing is just a form of controlling arseholery, ASD or not. Stop dancing to his tune.

Go and find something fun to do. Keep your phone on and leave a note at the hotel, indicating when you expect to be back (maybe say you'll be back in good time for dinner), so there's no opportunity for him to pretend you're shutting him out. (Whether you hear your phone, mid fun activity, is another question).

He owes you an apology.

I wouldn’t put with this. Your life will be a misery. I think you need to rethink this relationship.