Page 7 | AS husband stormed out of hotel

Stressedagain21 · 2021-09-15T11:12:31+00:00

He's been gone over 1.5 hours now. We're on holiday. I think he thought that I was taking too long in the shower because it happened once before. I didn't think I was that long but when I came out he'd gone. I thought maybe he was in the gym but no. I've been walking around the streets looking for ages no sign of him and he's not answering his phone. He's probably in shutdown. Starting to worry. I'll try phoning him again but not sure what to do.

Shoxfordian · 15/09/2021 15:23

How can you stay married to him or even marry him in the first place when he’s like that? Sounds exhausting

simitra · 15/09/2021 15:28

First time I ever went abroad (I was 23 and it was in the 1960s) my travel companion fell for a local and went off with him to his home in Casablanca leaving me alone in Tangier! I just got on with it, learned to know the city and did my shopping etc. I booked myself on a couple of day trips and chatted to other holiday makers. They invited me to go around with them in the evening so I was not left to eat alone. Eventually my friend returned - still smitten with her beau. They later married and for many years I went out to Morocco to visit them.

Being dumped alone in a foreign hotel made me go out of my confort zone. I have since travelled all over the middle east alone and independently. So my friend really did me a favour by her thoughtless behaviour.

GeorgeAnneAndTimmytoo · 15/09/2021 15:43

I have a teen with ASD and an emotionally abusive controlling ex husband.
Sorry but this behavior is what I used to see with my ex. I don’t think you should let him use his ASD as an excuse for this.

This is a pattern and will I promise get worse. And if one day you have children they will grow up thinking this behavior in relationships is acceptable and normal.

Please think long and hard about your future with him. I wish someone had of told me this pre kids. It took me years to leave and the situation and his behavior got worse and worse.

thenewduchessofhastings · 15/09/2021 15:45

You need to decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.I managed to unwittingly marry a man with undiagnosed ADHD/OCD with traits of ASD.

He's incredibly good at masking it and his late mum also helped him to mask it (that's another story).

I'm going to be honest;there are times I genuinely feel more like his carer than his wife.It's like having another child.It can be physically and emotionally exhausting especially as we have kids and effectively I'm the only responsible parent.

Tbh if it wasn't for some help arranged by his psychiatrist to help him cope with his thoughts/feelings/behaviours which helped to make the changes needed to make in order to make things easier for both him and people around him eg recognising potential triggers for a meltdown etc then I very much doubt we'd be together anymore.

Don't be afraid to walk away from him @Stressedagain21;I understand you love him and feel a sense of loyalty to him but you don't have to live this way.

You are not a rehabilitation centre for a broken man.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/09/2021 15:56

@Stressedagain21

I think he gets annoyed because he's hungry and kept waiting for breakfast.

I've read the first 100 posts (and I'll go back and read the rest in just a moment) but if he is hungry and wants breakfast, he could go down to the restaurant and start having his breakfast...you tell him that you'll be another 10 minutes and you'll join him then. He can enjoy a coffee and a croissant without you, right?

LookItsMeAgain · 15/09/2021 15:58

[quote AmDillDandin]@Stressedagain21

What you, and perhaps more importantly he needs to understand, is that the more he acts like this, the less it will have the same impact over time.

It might take a while, but eventually there will come an occasion when he does the disappearing/sulking act yet again, and you will think

Fuck.This.

Be sure to let him know that.[/quote]
I've now read the other posts and this one here sums it up perfectly.

Droite · 15/09/2021 16:02

Is he getting any therapy or counselling?

Jaguar77 · 15/09/2021 16:06

He's trained you well hasn't he with his bizzare emotional punishment for breaking his "rules'?

What's the payoff for staying in this toxic relationship.?

Original poster

Stressedagain21 · 15/09/2021 16:06

We've been together nearly 7 years, married 2. LDR a lot of the time. He was diagnosed just before we started speaking online.

He's quiet and nice to others, usually we get on fine in fact we've been having a good time up until now. He's said before that I should tell him if he's being a dick and I've been told by a mutual friend that other women have had the upper hand with him and he was more submissive and took lots of shit. I'm not very experienced with relationships so tend to try to placate him and take too much crap. When I have called him on stuff he usually takes notice but not a good idea to do this right now as it can make things worse better to speak about it when the situation has passed.

Definitely not having kids, we don't want any and I'm too old anyway.

I bought a house last year and I worry about that. He's not on the mortgage and when we last had a chat about what would happen if we split he said he wouldn't come after the house if I didn't come after his place overseas (which his DM lives in). But I still worry about everything. I thought I could handle things and maybe I've been stupid in thinking this relationship is better than no relationship at all (I've never had much luck with men).

I just feel so numb inside and got a tension headache, have taken tablets. I went and bought a few things and back in the hotel now. He's sleeping.

OP posts:

Gonnagetgoing · 15/09/2021 16:07

@Alonelonelyloner

His AS is incidental, what is really the problem is his Arsehole Syndrome.

AS is no excuse for shitty behaviour. I would get rid. Arse.

This, definitely.

A close male friend of mine has AS and he would never behave like this.

This is shitty behaviour and he either reins it in or you get rid.

twilightermummy · 15/09/2021 16:08

Pinkbonbon Is absolutely right when she says that abusers love to ruin holidays.

Do not justify his behaviour. He sounds awful. You get one life. Repeat that to yourself until it sinks in.

Original poster

Stressedagain21 · 15/09/2021 16:08

He's not getting any therapy or counselling or currently taking medication.

It's like he's two different people. Funny, relaxed, affectionate or this other side that occasionally rears its head.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2021 16:10

I'm gobsmacked you're living your life this way. He's a dickhead, an abusive twat. Get rid of him.

Gonnagetgoing · 15/09/2021 16:12

@Stressedagain21

We've been together nearly 7 years, married 2. LDR a lot of the time. He was diagnosed just before we started speaking online.

He's quiet and nice to others, usually we get on fine in fact we've been having a good time up until now. He's said before that I should tell him if he's being a dick and I've been told by a mutual friend that other women have had the upper hand with him and he was more submissive and took lots of shit. I'm not very experienced with relationships so tend to try to placate him and take too much crap. When I have called him on stuff he usually takes notice but not a good idea to do this right now as it can make things worse better to speak about it when the situation has passed.

Definitely not having kids, we don't want any and I'm too old anyway.

I bought a house last year and I worry about that. He's not on the mortgage and when we last had a chat about what would happen if we split he said he wouldn't come after the house if I didn't come after his place overseas (which his DM lives in). But I still worry about everything. I thought I could handle things and maybe I've been stupid in thinking this relationship is better than no relationship at all (I've never had much luck with men).

I just feel so numb inside and got a tension headache, have taken tablets. I went and bought a few things and back in the hotel now. He's sleeping.

@Stressedagain21

I think personally because you were in a LDR for most of your relationship you probably didn't see this shitty side to his behaviour.

It kind of looks like here that he's been submissive in the past in relationships so therefore he thinks he can treat you like shit now. You shouldn't have to tell him when he's being a shit, he should realise it and stop it.

I'm not necessarily sure what your legal position is re your house but hopefully he wouldn't be entitled to it, as only 2 year marriage. Don't assume just because he says so that he won't come after it.

I'm kind of similar to you re not a huge amount of luck with men, but no way would I put up with this on a regular basis. Of course he's sleeping now, the arse.

What stood out to me - is he's nice and quiet to others, so, hang on, it's ok to be not nice and loud to you?!

things have to change but you know that.

GatoradeMeBitch · 15/09/2021 16:14

As an adult he needs to get some coping strategies in place. Ear defenders for noise, or headphones so he can listen to white noise on his phone. Snacks in his bag for when he needs to eat.

It's difficult because it sounds like he does need help, but he needs to want to help himself. He should be able to identify his main triggers and things that could help him. If he just lets you take the brunt of his upset that's very unfair on you, and you shouldn't have to deal with it. It might be an idea to go on holidays solo or with friends if he gets upset at being out of his routine.

Gonnagetgoing · 15/09/2021 16:15

@twilightermummy

Pinkbonbon Is absolutely right when she says that abusers love to ruin holidays.

Do not justify his behaviour. He sounds awful. You get one life. Repeat that to yourself until it sinks in.

Actually you are so right about abusers loving to ruin holidays! I was with an emotionally abusive man and our holiday for my 30th was ruined by a lot of things (us squabbling like a couple of kids etc) but mostly by him being an arse, not saving enough money to come away with etc and then treating me badly when we were there including when I got cystitis and then when I wanted to leave being loving, nice and caring etc. Too little too late. Thank god I left him half way through it (many years ago!).

Droite · 15/09/2021 16:19

Does he manage to avoid these tantrums at work? If so, how come he chooses not to control them on holiday?

GatoradeMeBitch · 15/09/2021 16:23

Does he manage to avoid these tantrums at work? If so, how come he chooses not to control them on holiday?

It is a thing that people with ASD - some - can keep it together at school or work but then offload on loved ones when they're home.

One of my DC's has autism and though it got me some strange looks I knew not to speak to him from picking up time until he'd been at home a good 20 minutes because he needed to process the day and also decompress. It was a process, and if left to it he'd be fine. If spoken to he'd meltdown.

I think his issues are real, but that doesn't mean his DW should have to put up with them.

HollowTalk · 15/09/2021 16:36

When you were in a LDR with him you only saw the good side of him. Even if sometimes he wasn't nice, he would've been a lot worse if you'd actually been in the room with him.

I agree about abusers liking to ruin holidays - they like to ruin anything where the other person is expecting a nice time and is happy. There must be something about squashing them down that they enjoy - it's a horrible thought.

Personally I wouldn't want my finances connected to his. If you're too old for children then you're of an age where you really need to look out for yourself financially.

Don't you feel you're treading on eggshells?

Original poster

Stressedagain21 · 15/09/2021 16:50

He works remotely. Has done for years in his home country and I remember once he ended up going to the office for a week and was extremely stressed out, then they all went out for dinner and there was nothing he could eat on the menu (he's got loads of food aversions due to textures etc). He basically sat there shutting down and I told him to go home so he did that eventually. So after that and telling his boss about his AS he has only spent the odd day at the office.

If there's any issues come up at work he'll have a rant about it to me, same as he does about other stuff (he really struggles with busy places, queuing, navigating groups of people). He spends a lot of time trying to process his feelings and emotions and how he reacts to situations. He's gone out for a walk now so I'm sitting having a cup of tea, feeling slightly better. I do sometimes wonder if I'm co-dependent, not sure though but when he's stressing I often stress too. Or maybe that's a trauma response I'm not sure. I am on various AS partner support groups and many of us deal with similar behaviour, some very regularly like a daily or weekly occurrence while my husbands seems to be cyclical he'll be great for months and then bam.

OP posts:

BlankTimes · 15/09/2021 16:52

Maybe if you understood more about how his AS affects him, OP, you'd both be able to cope much better with whatever situations arise in your relationship.

If he's genuinely in shutdown, just about the worst thing you can do is keep calling and trying to get him to interact with you.
He's already as overwhelmed with everything as he could possibly be, what he needs during shutdown is some alone time to process all of the overwhelm so he can regain his equilibrium and only then will he be able to function in his normal way.

His brain is wired differently, his perception of things is not the same as yours, understanding how he sees things as well as how you do would help. Always remember, different is not wrong. Different is just different.

TintinIsBack · 15/09/2021 16:53

I agree that with a LDR you have only seen the good sides, not the times. when he couldn’t cope and is shutting down.

The thing is, I agree with him. When he is out of line, you need to tell him. And you need to tell clearly. Don’t use images, say it’s a suggestion when actually it’s imperative. He isn’t likely to get it (because of. the AS). You need to be blunt otherwise it won’t work

Redgeraniums · 15/09/2021 16:53

Sounds like a life of hell,
I am more worried he blames you

BlankTimes · 15/09/2021 16:54

Sorry OP, I cross[-posted that before you posted yours of 16:50:04

Gonnagetgoing · 15/09/2021 16:55

@Stressedagain21

He works remotely. Has done for years in his home country and I remember once he ended up going to the office for a week and was extremely stressed out, then they all went out for dinner and there was nothing he could eat on the menu (he's got loads of food aversions due to textures etc). He basically sat there shutting down and I told him to go home so he did that eventually. So after that and telling his boss about his AS he has only spent the odd day at the office.

If there's any issues come up at work he'll have a rant about it to me, same as he does about other stuff (he really struggles with busy places, queuing, navigating groups of people). He spends a lot of time trying to process his feelings and emotions and how he reacts to situations. He's gone out for a walk now so I'm sitting having a cup of tea, feeling slightly better. I do sometimes wonder if I'm co-dependent, not sure though but when he's stressing I often stress too. Or maybe that's a trauma response I'm not sure. I am on various AS partner support groups and many of us deal with similar behaviour, some very regularly like a daily or weekly occurrence while my husbands seems to be cyclical he'll be great for months and then bam.

Look, whatever the position here, he's not getting therapy, taking medication etc and you seem to be the one on the AS partner support groups.

It's up to you if you want to put up with this behaviour long term. In a sense if it's very regularly at least you can put coping strategies in place but if it's cyclical it's very unsettling as you don't know when it will happen.

I'd personally give him an ultimatum, either he gets therapy/medication/makes a real effort with this, or I'd rethink the relationship.