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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AS husband stormed out of hotel

248 replies

Stressedagain21 · 15/09/2021 12:12

He's been gone over 1.5 hours now. We're on holiday. I think he thought that I was taking too long in the shower because it happened once before. I didn't think I was that long but when I came out he'd gone. I thought maybe he was in the gym but no. I've been walking around the streets looking for ages no sign of him and he's not answering his phone. He's probably in shutdown. Starting to worry. I'll try phoning him again but not sure what to do.

OP posts:

AmDillDandin · 15/09/2021 14:30

@Stressedagain21

What you, and perhaps more importantly he needs to understand, is that the more he acts like this, the less it will have the same impact over time.

It might take a while, but eventually there will come an occasion when he does the disappearing/sulking act yet again, and you will think

Fuck.This.

Be sure to let him know that.

mumwon · 15/09/2021 14:31

AH! read your update
Mental health issues are more frequent with ASD & talking therapy has to be from someone specialized in Autism if he goes that way
With mental health issues -cutting you off & disappearing is a cause of concern & I would strongly suggest you persuade him to go to the gp & get some help or support for whatever mental health issue he has whether its anxiety stress or whatever or contact an autism support group

The rocking is very much a reaction to overstimulation to noise (or bright lights or whatever is his trigger.

Artichokeleaves · 15/09/2021 14:34

Whatever the special needs of your partner, wherever the lines are in what they can help and not help, you are always entitled to a relationship that makes you happy, to have your own boundaries and to have your own expectations about what reciprocation, treatment and consideration you need from a partner. It's also worth remembering that while behaviour may not be intended as abusive the experience of the recipient still may be of abuse.

You always have choices about where your lines are.

LlamasintheFog · 15/09/2021 14:38

I have one of those, AS / ADD and when his blood sugar drops he has a complete meltdown. I have learned not to react, he's a grown man who can sort out his own whiney-arsed shit. The worst thing you can do is pander to it. Ignore ignore ignore.

Lovemusic33 · 15/09/2021 14:38

Glad you found him, sounds like he just needed some time on his own, maybe remind him that it’s ok to do that but maybe to send you a text message first so you don’t worry. I often like to go off and switch my phone off (I’m possibly ASD not diagnosed), sometimes things get too much and even the thought of my phone going off makes me anxious but I wouldn’t want anyone I care about worrying about me, that would be cruel. I’m sure he wasn’t thinking about that at the time but maybe talking to him and reminding him how worried you were may help?

My ex husband had AS and couldn’t cope with being on holiday at all, the last few years I was with him I would take our dc away without him because taking him was just too stressful for all of us. He couldn’t cope with noise from other people and we would often have to leave early.

For those saying “you shouldn’t put up with it and should leave” I’m sure OP is aware that she has that choice, for me I did leave but I think things can be worked around, living with ASD or a partner who has it isn’t easy but I’m sure OP knew this when she met him.

MrsHound · 15/09/2021 14:40

Both of my adult children have ASD and neither would ever treat me like that. They tell me if they are becoming stressed or overwhelmed.
It never ceases to amaze me how much shit women put up with from men. The minimising, the excusing and the appeasing. ASD or not don't put up with being treated like that, you are supposed to be his partner not his mother or his carer. He needs to grow up!

Borland · 15/09/2021 14:43

This man has really done a number on you OP. ASD or mental health issues do not give you the right to become an abuser. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? The way you write about him you sound more like his carer than his lover.

jagoda · 15/09/2021 14:44

Christ OP - you really shouldn't have to live like this

aLittleL1fe · 15/09/2021 14:49

Did you ask him what upset him so much? The only legitimate thing I can think of is if he was desperate for a toilet then he must've had no choice but to leave and find another toilet near reception or somewhere else.

If he was actually upset that you took too long in the shower, then that's controlling and abusive, and not much to do with ASD.

YanTanTethera123 · 15/09/2021 14:49

I would be seriously considering if this is how I want to live my life, with him kicking off over nothing in particular.
His behaviour is abusive and the more you put up with it the more he will escalate it.
Coming from abroad or not I would very seriously be considering how I want MY life to be, not being fearful of an abusive man.

aLittleL1fe · 15/09/2021 14:52

My ex was like this. Autistic and abusive. Took me years to untangle the two things. We divorced after 17y together. Life is much happier and calmer for me now. I used to worry all the time about everything because life was so twisted and unpredictable. It doesn't need to be like this.

TintinIsBack · 15/09/2021 14:53

@Stressedagain21, you need to set up boundaries.

Going into meltdown due to noise/lack of food: OK
Refusing to knock on the door to let oyu know: not OK

Going into a meltdown at home and shutting down: OK
Making you responsible for it afterwards: Not OK

It very much sounds like he is not taking responsibility for the 'consequences' of his ASD (for a better word) and is expecting everyone/you to fot aorund his needs. That's not OK.

I agree with @NotPersephone in saying it can be very hard to know if a behaviour is being a twat/personality/ASD.
I also agree there is a decision to do on your side of whether you are happy to whether those 'outbursts'. Only you can tell.

but I can tell you what is NOT working. I
It's doing so out of guilt (he can't help him, poor him etc...).
It's doing so because you feel you are the only one responsible, always YOU and neer him. Because it's not. It simply can't be ALL your responsibility.
It's doing so whilst not putting any boundaries, regardless of the issues he has from the ASD/MH issues. Bth MH problems and ASD can be hard work for the person and they often go hand in hand. But they are never an out of jail card or a sign that your needs and respect for you should go out of the window.

TintinIsBack · 15/09/2021 14:55

Fwiw, my own experience with ASD is that some behaviours can FEEL like abuse when actually they are simply overwhelm/going into metldown/bad coping strategies.

I think it gives a layer of complexity that you don;' have with abuse (and yes it's already hard to deal wth)

RantyAunty · 15/09/2021 14:58

Is he actively seeking treatment for his MH issues?

Does he act like that around his friends or at work?

TintinIsBack · 15/09/2021 14:58

The way you write about him you sound more like his carer than his lover.

Fwiw, it isn't unusual for NT/ASD relationhsip to have both sides, carer AND lover.

And you can also have that in other situation.
Eg: DH has basically been my carer due a chronic illness. He didn't stop being my lover for that.

being a carer for your partner doesn't mean your relationship just doesn't exist anymore or that one partner has to LTB.....

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 15/09/2021 14:59

I read this that he's also abusive and controlling sorry op if that's out of line but how on earth are you living like this??

How long have you been together?

Don't sacrifice yourself for someone else op

There are ways he can manage his disabilities and not make it your fault.

It's not your fault.

Borland · 15/09/2021 15:01

@TintinIsBack

The way you write about him you sound more like his carer than his lover.

Fwiw, it isn't unusual for NT/ASD relationhsip to have both sides, carer AND lover.

And you can also have that in other situation.
Eg: DH has basically been my carer due a chronic illness. He didn't stop being my lover for that.

being a carer for your partner doesn't mean your relationship just doesn't exist anymore or that one partner has to LTB.....

That's a very fair point, and I hope my post didn't offend you.

I guess I meant that from what the OP has written the relationship sounds very one-sided and not loving at all.

TintinIsBack · 15/09/2021 15:02

Does he act like that around his friends or at work?

Its a hard one that one because many people with ASD will mask at work or around friends. So it might not be visible.
At home though, they can't carry on masking (too exhausting) and will show how hard it is/go into meltdown etc...
Actually with children, it is well know that those children are OK at school and then will simply explode once they arrive at home.

Now of course, we expect adults to not do that. But it is worth remembering they will need time to recover from a day at work and can't behave the exact same way....

It's nowhere as simple as 'if he can do it at work then he can do it at home' which (I fully agree) I would expect an NT adult to do.

TowandaForever · 15/09/2021 15:02

@Bluesheep8

I have relatives with ASD and you really do need to prioritise food when they’re hungry (and sleep when they’re tired) to minimise meltdowns like this.

Would it not be sensible to make sure there's something to eat at all times then?
I'm not suggesting pandering to him but if this is a genuine aspect of his condition, would it not make life easier?

Doesn't the asd person need to do this not the partner?

TintinIsBack · 15/09/2021 15:03

No offence @Borland :)

Driftingblue · 15/09/2021 15:04

I have ASD. I am still responsible for my own actions and it would not be ok for me to disappear on my spouse like that.

All people can have moments of anger or frustration and need to take a moment to themselves to calm down. That doesn’t preclude them from leaving a note or sending a text and letting you know what they are doing. If he had just sent you a text that said “feel like I’m about to meltdown and need a walk ASAP, go enjoy breakfast and we can meet up later” you wouldn’t have worried. It still would disrupt your plans, but he would be taking ownership of his own emotions and freeing you to continue your day.

me4real · 15/09/2021 15:09

@LlamasintheFog Does he have these sorts of behaviours often, whether due supposedly to food, or in other circumstances? Do you think you'll stay with him? I mean if it's very occasional and/or comparatively mild I suppose it's ok. I agree that pandering to it is bound not to help and some people will use it as an excuse to try and manipulate others.

As a PP said, abusers often say 'it's because I was drunk' 'it's because of my childhood' 'it's because of my ASD/ADHD/bipolar/etc etc.'

I have bipolar and stuff so I do understand that things can have effects. But how severe or frequent it is would decide whether I think someone should bother with a relationship with a person with distressing behaviours. And also whether the individual was doing their best to manage their condition and be the best person they can be of course.

Plus that he's using it to control your behaviour is another thing for you to think about @Stressedagain21 . So it's not just that you have to put up with the meltdowns etc, you also can't even take the time you need in the shower etc and probably a fair few other things.

Driftingblue · 15/09/2021 15:18

In reading through the thread I’m seeing food get mentioned a lot and I never really thought about it, but I have some really strict rules with breakfast. When we travel, i arrange things so that a high protein breakfast happens quickly after waking. If it won’t, I make sure there is a snack breakfast planned before the main breakfast. I also always have ridiculous amounts of snacks in my luggage. I do not risk getting hungry on a trip because it is BAD!!! I never even thought of this as being part of my ASD.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 15/09/2021 15:20

Eugh. There's nothing less attractive than a sulking man child.

Alonelonelyloner · 15/09/2021 15:21

His AS is incidental, what is really the problem is his Arsehole Syndrome.

AS is no excuse for shitty behaviour. I would get rid. Arse.

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