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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AS husband stormed out of hotel

248 replies

Stressedagain21 · 15/09/2021 12:12

He's been gone over 1.5 hours now. We're on holiday. I think he thought that I was taking too long in the shower because it happened once before. I didn't think I was that long but when I came out he'd gone. I thought maybe he was in the gym but no. I've been walking around the streets looking for ages no sign of him and he's not answering his phone. He's probably in shutdown. Starting to worry. I'll try phoning him again but not sure what to do.

OP posts:
TintinIsBack · 15/09/2021 16:59

Yep.

Living with someone on the spectrum can be a challenge.

But my experience with those groups is that people are too quick to put a behaviour down to AS. And not enough effort goes into setting boundaries.
Again only my experience but setting clear boundaries
1- is possible
2- make a huge difference
As everyone knows where they stand.

But first of all, you need to. be happy to deal with all those constraints on a daily basis.

And it’s ok to say it’s too much

alexdgr8 · 15/09/2021 17:18

i'm more worried for you now OP.
are you actually legally married to him.
this relationship is not going to last; nor should it.
but he will have a claim on your house and everything else, pensions etc.
that's what marriage means. and it's expensive to get out of.
is there an immigration aspect to this; is his status here wobbly without being attached to you ?
you may have an empathetic nature, which is good.
perhaps yo could use it in a work situation, or as a volunteer in a well-organised charity/support group, one with clear boundaries and care for volunteers.
this marriage does not sound healthy or good for you.

Stressedagain21 · 15/09/2021 17:20

Sorry I've not been answering some questions am all over the place. The shower I had was maybe 25 or 30 minutes. He does eat a lot of carbs which doesn't help, would usually have protein shakes at home.

He's been on medication before and I've told him to go back on it but he says it makes him feel like a zombie, is that what I want? He did have a telephone consultation with some medical thing he's a member of through work but didn't take the next step in getting medication or counselling.

Yes I get the eggshells feeling a lot and am always looking out for potential problems (on days out etc, trying to go places that aren't busy). We had a get together with my friend and her family recently, she has two young kids and I was nervous that he would be stressing about the noise etc. He was very quiet on the way over but after a few beers he relaxed a bit and it was an enjoyable evening.

He does sometimes wear noise cancelling headphones, take cbd drops or supplements for anxiety which can help. But he tends to catastrophise.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 15/09/2021 17:27

Fwiw, my own experience with ASD is that some behaviours can FEEL like abuse when actually they are simply overwhelm/going into metldown/bad coping strategies.
But if the behaviours are abusive they are still abusive are they not? And saying oh they only 'feel like abuse' is minimising the impact on the victim?

Stressedagain21 · 15/09/2021 17:37

Yes we're legally married. He's on a spouse visa which needs renewed next year, he can't stay here himself on this visa if we separated.

He's back now and apologised a bit, said we don't talk about stuff. Mentioned other relationship stuff that we struggle with. He was crying a bit saying he misses home. He seems to have calmed down though.

I think maybe counselling or therapy would help us both, I always get left to arrange everything though and that can be mentally taxing. But if we can work out some plan on how to tackle his moods it might make things easier. He also suggested doing things apart, we are both introverted and enjoy doing things ourselves so I think this is a good idea, I just need him to not storm off and leave me hanging.

OP posts:
Ormally · 15/09/2021 17:40

@Droite

Does he manage to avoid these tantrums at work? If so, how come he chooses not to control them on holiday?
One point of view: it will probably be harder to control them on holiday, where everything has high expectations of enjoyment attached to it, but is also totally unfamiliar and possibly less controlled. At work, there will be a different dynamic that he has had enough practice with to handle things and know it works a lot of the time.

It's interesting to say 'He should work out coping strategies'. I think this sequence resulted in an unpleasant and clumsy dump on another person, but possibly there are a couple of coping attempts that you could argue were intended here. He needed to eat (may have been stressed about breakfast hours finishing and the option being taken off the table for example) and could have headed off the big out-of-control reaction by doing this. He may be finding it pretty difficult to be in only 1 room and bathroom with more people than usual, not a house with his own stuff and withdrawal opportunities.

He probably walked out most of his anger and agitation to try to get back in control of his stress, but this looked like a storm out with an 'are you ever coming back' element. The cafe will probably have tested the ground he might have gained on the stress control front.

I am sorry that his behaviour was so erratic but I think he may have had intentions that looked reasonable to him (and preferable to the alternative for him, which would have been a major ASD overwhelm and shut down when he realised he wasn't processing anything - something I recognize very well, that can't just be fixed and has to keep 'loading' in its own sweet time).

He definitely does need some support from someone who is skilled in this - get a recommendation if you can. He may be able to come to the point of expanding his point of view - 'How would OP interpret it if you stormed out while she was in the shower with no warning?'

Redgeraniums · 15/09/2021 17:41

I agree that you probably are co dependant
And I stand by him using his asd as more of an excuse than he should.
If he is that badly affected that he hurts someone he loves on a constant basis that they feel like they’re constantly walking on eggshells then it sounds like abuse to me.
But apparently cause he got asd it’s AOK

alexdgr8 · 15/09/2021 17:43

was this a marriage of convenience, for him;
inconvenience for you as it turned out.
you must have considered whether he courted/married you to get entry visa.
it's very common.

TintinIsBack · 15/09/2021 17:48

@MichelleScarn

Fwiw, my own experience with ASD is that some behaviours can FEEL like abuse when actually they are simply overwhelm/going into metldown/bad coping strategies. But if the behaviours are abusive they are still abusive are they not? And saying oh they only 'feel like abuse' is minimising the impact on the victim?
No that’s not what I mean.

I mean that if someone does X (whatever behaviour it is) it’s not the same. If it’s done on purpose (abuse) vs not on purpose.

So someone. can. walk on your toes to hurt. you (abuse)
vs
Having no balance due a physical disability and regularly walk on your toes.

Both hurt (and feel the same) but the intention and the way you deal with it are different.

Does that make sense?

CambsAlways · 15/09/2021 17:50

What a bellend

MichelleScarn · 15/09/2021 17:51

@TintinIsBack I get you now.

BrilliantBetty · 15/09/2021 17:51

Sounds exhausting.
And manipulative but if you say that's due to AS..

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/09/2021 17:53

WHY are you living like this?
It sounds like hell

sillysmiles · 15/09/2021 18:00

I know things aren't good, unfortunately he is from overseas so if we split he would need to sort a flight back and its ridiculously expensive just now he's not been able to visit family during the pandemic

If you want to separate from him - this^ is not your problem to deal with.

Elieza · 15/09/2021 18:11

Apologies if this has been asked before: How long do you need to be married before he gets rights to remain?

You have a house. Would that get halved in the event of a divorce?

I worry for you OP. Are you actually happy? I honestly don’t think you can be. It’s no way to live. I don’t think he is even happy either.

You may be best splitting up or having a break.

Lunificent · 15/09/2021 18:14

I feel for him having the burden of these sensory and other issues. But you don’t have to be his partner. If the stress outweighs the benefits to you, you should consider splitting.

GoWalkabout · 15/09/2021 18:16

I can see what he gets from the relationship (a carer and a visa) and probably a whole lot more lovely things about being with you. I just hope that you are getting what you need and want too because you don't deserve this shit if not.

vomcomvomcom · 15/09/2021 18:17

You say you don’t want kids but it sounds like you’ve got one!!! You own that house, you don’t need him. He sounds like a right knob. Just send him packing and enjoy your life and your own routines, likes and dislikes! Better to be happy alone that trapped with a selfish attention seeker hell bent on sabotaging nice moments and memories.

alexdgr8 · 15/09/2021 18:17

@GoWalkabout

I can see what he gets from the relationship (a carer and a visa) and probably a whole lot more lovely things about being with you. I just hope that you are getting what you need and want too because you don't deserve this shit if not.
well put
TintinIsBack · 15/09/2021 18:18

[quote MichelleScarn]@TintinIsBack I get you now.[/quote]
The follow on from that is that the behaviour is still hurtful so needs to be addressed in a way that works for both people.

SoundBar · 15/09/2021 18:18

If he's on edge due to being hungry he can say "I'm too hungry to wait for breakfast, I'm going down to start while you shower" and give you a kiss on his way out.

If he's stressed by the noise he can say "This is too loud for me, I'm going to put in my headphones / go home"

Etc.

Honestly there's tons of resources on coping and communicating for AS diagnosis. At least, that's what many women with AS do...

SoundBar · 15/09/2021 18:19

It's abuse when the partner has clearly stated they find it hurtful and the other partner refuses to moderate or amend.

dryasaboner · 15/09/2021 18:20

Sorry if I've missed it but does he work?

tsmainsqueeze · 15/09/2021 18:27

It all sounds very stressful , i think i would be seriously considering what my future holds with this man .
I know he can't help his behaviour , or can he to some degree ?
but from what you describe and its only a snap shot of your life it sounds extremely hard work , what do you get back from him ?
You describe walking on eggshells , that is not acceptable .
If he can't contribute equally to a mutually loving relationship then he should choose to be alone or with someone who 'fits' him better and you should start looking forward to a life that i imagine will be a lot easier with out having to plan your every move around him .

JamieNorthlife · 15/09/2021 18:37

@dryasaboner

Sorry if I've missed it but does he work?
OP mentioned he works.