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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AS husband stormed out of hotel

248 replies

Stressedagain21 · 15/09/2021 12:12

He's been gone over 1.5 hours now. We're on holiday. I think he thought that I was taking too long in the shower because it happened once before. I didn't think I was that long but when I came out he'd gone. I thought maybe he was in the gym but no. I've been walking around the streets looking for ages no sign of him and he's not answering his phone. He's probably in shutdown. Starting to worry. I'll try phoning him again but not sure what to do.

OP posts:
HarrisonStickle · 15/09/2021 13:12

Stop looking for him, stop phoning him. Get on with enjoying your holiday and he'll no doubt reappear when he wants to.

BrilloPaddy · 15/09/2021 13:13

He's manipulating you, love. You can't spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells to appease him.

NotPersephone · 15/09/2021 13:14

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lottiegarbanzo · 15/09/2021 13:16

Why couldn't he just go down and start breakfast? You could have joined him once showered.

I suspect, because that wouldn't have been as fun / compelling for him, as trying to micro-manage you.

Blindstupid · 15/09/2021 13:16

Wow I’m shocked at how many posters are so aggressive towards a disability.

A relationship with this kind of disability in it will always run different to a typical relationship.

Only you know your dh OP, only you know what he needs/you need. The one thing I’d take away from this is getting him some help and coping strategies.

Trixabellecrowther · 15/09/2021 13:16

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TorringtonDean · 15/09/2021 13:16

He’s controlling you - or trying to - and also ruining your holiday. How tiresome.

Redgeraniums · 15/09/2021 13:17

@NotPersephone
It’s not casual ableism, it’s quite clear that her DH has persuaded her that him being an abusive cunt is because of his ASD. She believes him. Many abusers use their physical or mental health or disabilities as a conduit to excuse their own abusive behaviours.

It’s amazing what an abuser will be able to persuade someone to believe. So it’s not really helpful saying what you are saying, you’ll just make her believe he’s right.

12548ehe9fnfobms · 15/09/2021 13:17

ASD or not, this is no way for you to live.
You are important,
Your feelings matter,
Expect better.
Move on

acatcalledjohn · 15/09/2021 13:17

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lottiegarbanzo · 15/09/2021 13:18

No-one is 'being aggressive towards a disability'. He's a man. He is not 'a disability'. How horribly ableist!

Ellie56 · 15/09/2021 13:18

My son has ASD and there's no way he would behave like an entitled arsehole like your husband is doing.

ASD or not, I wouldn't put up with this behaviour. Apart from anything else, it sounds exhausting. You deserve better.

PrincessNutella · 15/09/2021 13:19

If he leaves his stuff it can stay left. His circus, his monkeys. You'll never get your time back, though, so go have a good one.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2021 13:19

I am wondering how this man behaves towards work colleagues and or people in the outside world. My guess is that he does not sulk or otherwise walk out on them.

Why can't he himself signpost himself to getting some help and coping strategies?. Its not down to the OP herself to do this for him.

FloconDeNeige · 15/09/2021 13:19

Wow I’m shocked at how many posters are so aggressive towards a disability.

There’s disability and then there’s abuse. Are you really saying that the OP (or anyone else) needs to put up with this, disability or not?

If the disability involved violence towards the OP, would that also be acceptable?

No, thought not.

NotPersephone · 15/09/2021 13:21

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Tlollj · 15/09/2021 13:22

If you’ve e got the car keys pack up and go home via a solicitor’s office.

Cerebelle · 15/09/2021 13:23

Ignore him and have a serious think about if this behaviour will dog you for the rest of your life.

BlueJag · 15/09/2021 13:23

I couldn't live like that. The older he gets the worse it's going to get.

Redgeraniums · 15/09/2021 13:25

@NotPersephone
Did you not read my post, it’s extremely clear that the husband is using his disability as an excuse, she’s had years of this and put up with it, cause he says “I’m autistic”
That’s why it’s relevant.
Everyone on here, including me, has said OP, his ASD is not relevant, he’s just an abuser.

She needs to hear from people that it’s fuck all to do with his ASD. So yes it is very relevant she’s mentioned it. Otherwise she’ll spend a lifetime thinking she needs to cope better with his disability

Is it that hard to understand, or do you just want no one to mention ASD ever

Redgeraniums · 15/09/2021 13:26

@NotPersephone
Also if your BAME husband had managed to persuade he abused you because, BAME.
Then it would be fucking relevant Confused

Blindstupid · 15/09/2021 13:26

lottie … if anything it’s the opposite! Everyone is nasty towards this man, whose behaviour they have decided (without knowing him and without knowing how his disability affects him), is childish, entitled, rude, abusive, manipulative! It’s equally likely he’s probably in somewhere (as the OP stated) due to his disability!

historygeek · 15/09/2021 13:26

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HollowTalk · 15/09/2021 13:26

There was absolutely nothing stopping him from going for breakfast and leaving you a note telling you where to meet him.

How can you live like this?

IncessantNameChanger · 15/09/2021 13:28

He sounds exhausting. Are you sure you want this for the rest of your life?

There is zero way of resolving anything if he shuts you down. Two of my kids have ASD but they do realise their actions effect other peoples feelings. Rightly so I think because I dint want raise kids who can not form healthy relationships.

Anyway all of that aside. You can be neuro diverse and a arsehole. They are not mutually exclusive.