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Original poster

AS husband stormed out of hotel

248 replies

Stressedagain21 · 15/09/2021 12:12

He's been gone over 1.5 hours now. We're on holiday. I think he thought that I was taking too long in the shower because it happened once before. I didn't think I was that long but when I came out he'd gone. I thought maybe he was in the gym but no. I've been walking around the streets looking for ages no sign of him and he's not answering his phone. He's probably in shutdown. Starting to worry. I'll try phoning him again but not sure what to do.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 15/09/2021 13:29

@Blindstupid

lottie … if anything it’s the opposite! Everyone is nasty towards this man, whose behaviour they have decided (without knowing him and without knowing how his disability affects him), is childish, entitled, rude, abusive, manipulative! It’s equally likely he’s probably in somewhere (as the OP stated) due to his disability!
His behaviour is all of those things!
underneaththeash · 15/09/2021 13:30

Just ignore him. Do your own thing and he'll come back when he's ready.

BTW How long were you in the shower for? I ask, as we've had to leave my MIL on occasion when she's been in there longer than 45 minutes!

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/09/2021 13:30

I'd just go for lunch and do some exploring. People who sulk don't deserve your worry.

Alicenwonderland · 15/09/2021 13:30

My ex was like this. He was a horrible, abusive man and I excused so much because I thought he was on the spectrum.

sloutside · 15/09/2021 13:31

Go out and do something else.
I don't think this is entirely Asperger's either.
He stormed out because you took too long in the shower and he was hungry? Can you really live like this? I couldn't.

Ozanj · 15/09/2021 13:32

I have relatives with ASD and you really do need to prioritise food when they’re hungry (and sleep when they’re tired) to minimise meltdowns like this. Also little things like leaving the shower door open so he can talk to you when overwhelmed can help.

Appreciate it’s not nice for you to experience, but next time you should just have breakfast first and then go for a shower. Leave the door open. And see if that helps prevent an outburst.

In the meantime, eat, if you’re worried talk to the reception and seek their advice, and if you feel it’s appropriate then try to file a missing person’s report clearly mentioning his ASD.

Then when it’s all sorted and you get home you need to decide whether you really want to spend the rest of your life like this. It isn’t easy being married to someone with ASD and it’s not wrong to dump him so you can get a better quality of life for yourself. Your entire existance doesn’t have to revolve around him.

DamnUserName21 · 15/09/2021 13:32

Goodness, AS is not a get-out-of-jail free card!

He walks out on you, he doesn't talk or look at you for 3 days, he blocks you on FB...that's controlling, abusive behaviour.

He is a dick!

viques · 15/09/2021 13:33

If you have your car keys then I assume you also have the car. So if you felt kind you could take his stuff home if he hasn’t bothered to show up by .Friday.

I know you are worried about him, and I am willing to bet that he knows this too and is deliberately not contacting you because he is punishing you . It’s a nasty thing to do, he may be further along on the spectrum than most people but it sounds as though he is well able to recognise when his behaviour is unacceptable .

me4real · 15/09/2021 13:34

Sounds more like Abusive Shithead syndrome to me.

I also told him after the last time to bang on the door and tell me to hurry up if he thinks I'm being too long rather than storming off like that.

He doesn't get to dictate how long you spend in the shower. Who died and made him god?

I mean, if you were in there over an hhour or something that might be a bit different. But even then, non-abusive shitheads wwouldn't be banging on the door and insisting you do what they want at all times.

His behavior is controlling and you're so used to him being in control (and maybe even had some bad past experiences with family or exes?) that you think this is how the world/relationships work. It's not.

I have ASD traits, but I don't try and order people around and people don't kow-tow to me. This isn't his ASD IMHO- or maybe he's using it as a free pass to be a twat. Either way, not a good person to have as a husband.

my objection is to the use of "AS" in the title. It's not relevant. He's being an arse. Why bring up his disability?

@NotPersephone OP thinks she should be worried about him. That's why she mentioned it. That is clear from her post.

She hasn't entirely realized he's an arsehole, she thinks his behaving in these ways is something he can't help and she has to shape her life around.

Confused102 · 15/09/2021 13:34

This is no way to live. The world does not revolve him. Pack his bags and then he can sulk as much as he wants. Honestly, check yourself out and go back home. He cannot bully you this way and use his condition as an excuse.

Ozanj · 15/09/2021 13:36

@DamnUserName21

Goodness, AS is not a get-out-of-jail free card!

He walks out on you, he doesn't talk or look at you for 3 days, he blocks you on FB...that's controlling, abusive behaviour.

He is a dick!

It’s possible he was taught to distance himself to prevent a violent outburst. I know so many parents teach their ASD kids to do this even though it’s not right - all it does is bottles things up and them they take it out on themselves. Then as they become adults these learned behaviours become so difficult to change because there is virtually zero support for adults with ASDz Obvs OP doesn’t have to stay in this relationship if she doesn’t want to - I wouldn’t be able to do it personally - but it might not entirely be her DP’s fault.
Blindstupid · 15/09/2021 13:36

michelle .. I didn’t say it wasn’t all of those things. Those things from a NT person are not acceptable. From a ND person they’re still not acceptable - but are not necessarily controllable and they need help to understand, change and cope with a world around them in which they may feel they just don’t fit. With help and strategies he could learn to react in a more acceptable/usual way

NotPersephone · 15/09/2021 13:36

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

KissedintheDark · 15/09/2021 13:37

It's not a good long term way to live.

Whatwouldscullydo · 15/09/2021 13:40

Oh gosh op how stressful.

Why couldn't he just go down and get breakfast himself?

Who is he to judge you took to long. Its a holiday you are supposed to be away from deadlines and day to day rushing about. Why are you having time limits imposed in you as an adult

CharityDingle · 15/09/2021 13:40

OP, there's a long running number of threads by a poster called jamaisjedors who left her sulking husband. Have a read of them.

There's more to life than this, there really is.

Eralos · 15/09/2021 13:40

I hope you find him

Redgeraniums · 15/09/2021 13:41

@NotPersephone
What’s incongruous about the op saying my DH has Asperger’s syndrome - preceded and followed by a lengthy description of abuse.

You’re clearly deciding not to really understand what anyone on here is trying to say. Guess what, people with ASD can also be abusive, this thread doesn’t mean that everyone thinks your children are abusers.

Random that’s all you took from this thread.

me4real · 15/09/2021 13:42

I have relatives with ASD and you really do need to prioritise food when they’re hungry (and sleep when they’re tired) to minimise meltdowns like this. Also little things like leaving the shower door open so he can talk to you when overwhelmed can help.

Appreciate it’s not nice for you to experience, but next time you should just have breakfast first and then go for a shower. Leave the door open. And see if that helps prevent an outburst.

@Ozanj He isn't a child. Imagine leaving the bathroom door open so one's husband doesn't get upset. He can also feed himself when needed presumably. If he has these outbursts if he doesn't get food immediately on demand, he needs to keep some small snacks with him. Not OP's responsibility. I imagine he does have or could develop some frustration tolerance. Waiting for someone to have a shower before you go out isn't too much to ask.

Redgeraniums · 15/09/2021 13:42

@NotPersephone
And telling someone who’s being abused they simply need to educate themselves. Is really taking the biscuit

pommepommefrites · 15/09/2021 13:43

Couldn't live like this, op. I don't know anything about asd, but it's got all the hallmarks of abuse.

CharityDingle · 15/09/2021 13:45

@CharityDingle

OP, there's a long running number of threads by a poster called jamaisjedors who left her sulking husband. Have a read of them.

There's more to life than this, there really is.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4125147-Divorcing-sulking-DH-it-WILL-happen-in-2021
NotPersephone · 15/09/2021 13:50

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

MaxNormal · 15/09/2021 13:52

I have ASD and there's no way I'd put up with something like this.

And blocking your own wife on Fb? Is he nine years old?

Howareyouflower · 15/09/2021 13:53

Aspergers does not give him the right to behave like this towards you. I would advise you to seriously think about whether you want to spend your life on tenterhooks. You are an adult. You have the right to spend the time you need in the shower.

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