Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

New match from yesterday morning didn't call in end. Other match did however respond so we were messaging last night. Seems normal and can hold a conversation. Only like half of his pics though

@Summerdress

Hello people, I would like to join you, I have been following u since thread 100 something . Been old a few months, I have 2 irons in the fire. Still to arrange a date with 1 of them so no name yet, but he lives super close and seems nice. And the second one, I am naming him MrYellow. Had a few dates with him, it's a slow burner situation which I like because intensity makes me feel sick and it hasn't worked for me in the past. I am looking for your opinions on an issue that has come up. Mr Yellow and I exchange messages/speak on the phone every day, even if its one message to check in and it was working for me. We are both single parents with full time jobs and limited free time. We have met 3 times in the 6 weeks since we matched. So, this Saturday he had a stressful situation going on and I didn't hear from him until Tuesday. Now, I don't have an issue with not talking every day, I think it would be the natural progression if things developed. But, I felt disappointed by this because of the timing. He had to cancel our date last minute on Saturday because of this issue. And this issue we talked about in length previously and I actually got worried when i didn't hear from him. I like this man, we communicate well and this has knocked me back. He has since texted to apologise and I have also told him how I feel about it. So now what? xx

I think you move on from it and chalk it up. If it happens again and again then of course, you're entitled to not be okay with it.

@Summerdress It sounds like he was in dad and then work mode and forgot/was embarrassed about cancelling so didn't message.

I would chalk this up as an amber flag and see how things go.

I’m trying to flip the texting issue back around and think to myself if i wasn’t texting someone who was waiting for a reply it would be 1) (most unfair behaviour) because i had lost interest and they’d slipped from my mind and i just couldn’t be bothered with a long winded explanation. If this was the case depending on how persistent they were i’d open up and tell them. (pretty flaky/ghosty behaviour i know) 2) because i wasn’t in a good place so probably focusing on work/DS and chatting to close friends only 3) phone died/left at home, in this case i’d follow up with a detailed message or call asap. I had never really got to the point before that i did with MrE because texting got so draining. I was more relaxed when i didn’t enter into a chat with him. Also staring at a screen and typing all day for work means sometimes you just want a screen/phone break. Someone also mentioned that men (generalisation for sure) don’t seem to be as ‘active’ they are more ‘reactive’ and i think are far better and leaving their phone alone. But it boils down to the whole ‘am i disturbing’ them when i text and if this comes to your mind then there is confusion which is never good. I think if i were really keen and felt communication was fizzling out i’d actually ring ( never would have before ) and find out what was going on. If my call gets swerved then likely there is my answer.

Thanks for the thread Belladi

My update is that Mr K and I reach 2 years together this weekend, its going to be so different to our 1 year anniversary I almost feel like I can't be bothered.
Last year we did a weekend away, this year I'm taking DD to Uni on the actual day.
I've not seen him since Sat am and probably won't see him until Tuesday next week due to me having work commitments both nights this week when we would usually meet.
I think we're going for a meal at some point but feels pointless not doing that on the day or a day either side.

I'm trying not to self-sabotage and I have counselling starting next week - still scared but excited, am so hoping this will get my head straight and stop me being so emotionally unavailable although as Mr K is too it could spell the end for us......

Aside from both of us being emotionally unavailable and not celebrating our anniversary things are pretty great 😂

@SortingItOut thats one of the most confusing posts i’ve read including my own. But it sort of reassured me that perhaps i’m not ready for a proper relationship and i actually am happy at the
moment being single or seeing someone on an infrequent casual basis. My heart really is feeling for my DS though with everything i’m putting him through and i’m hoping the family therapist session and a week/weekend just the two of us plus perhaps a few of his friends and a trampoline park will do us the world of good!

Checking in...thanks for the new thread.

@Isitreallyme177 you're a more chilled out person than I would be, a hot man in my home eating my food!! Yay! Good luck, hopefully it turns into something more as it sounds positive.

@SortingItOut I read through your post waiting for the 'I'm going to bin him' punchline then got to the end and ... phew 😁 I'm pleased things are going well

@Summerdress you've had some great advice from PP. maybe also flip the script on this and feel grateful that he didn't involve you or ask for advice in a sensitive area that for the moment, you should be able to have distance from, as you haven't been together that long. I used to hate it when my former iron MrBear piled all his family issues on me, it was inappropriate and stressful

@Isitreallyme177 you're describing the perfect storm for me. I'd be too stressed to cook, would drink too much and jump him 😂

@Eesha I'm usually a chilled out person, my family say I'm so chilled out I could be horizontal. Mr Cricket is also quite a calm chilled out person, I think that's why we get on so well.

@Shayelle2009 haha there's still time for me to stress out. I'll probably burn dinner or get it all down me and the cat will probably do a really smelly shit in the litter tray just as he gets here.😂

Oops sorry that last post was to @BelladiMamma

@Isitreallyme177

Oops sorry that last post was to *@BelladiMamma*

That's ok 😁

[quote Isitreallyme177]@Dropdeadfred2 oooh I hadn't thought about that, the Hairy Bikers do a Spanish chicken tray bake where everything including the potatoes go in the same tray in the oven. Just the thought of cooking properly is getting me excited. I'm never happier than I am in the kitchen (music on, singing and dancing badly).[/quote]
I do one like this:

Chicken thighs (I use skin on, on the bone), chuck them in the tray, smear harissa paste over them.
Throw in new potatoes cut at least in half, probably quarters, a few cherry tomatoes, a courgette cut into chunks, and then quarter two lemons, squeeze them over, and put the squeezed quarters in among the rest.

Sprinkle harissa spices over it all and a few garlic cloves slightly crushed.
Add half a glass of white wine and half a glass of chicken stock. Don't cover the tops of the thighs.
Cook, I dunno, forty minutes, up to an hour I guess?

Hopefully the chicken skin crisps up, the lemon edges blacken and the cherry tomatoes squash down into the juice. It's lovely. I serve with greens.

@Naimee87 What I have with Mr K isn't everyones idea of a relationship but it works for us, we usually see each other a few times a week but message every day, we don't do weekends (maybe 1 or 2 a year) as that is time for him and his son and time for me to do my own stuff.
My kids are older so I don't worry about them knowing about Mr K but I don't get involved with his son at all, I don't want to be a step mum or to help parent.
We have no plans to live together, marry or merge finances.
I have spent 22 years of my life living with a man and 3 on my own (excluding childhood) and I love it, no stress, no arguing over chores or money.

@BelladiMamma This is a different type of relationship with no drama and no highs/lows and I struggle with that alot.
I know this is a normal relationship but when you've spent 19 years arguing and running on adrenalin constantly its hard to leave it behind.
We also haven't said we love each other - thanks emotional unavailability😂
Too be fair my heart is still made of stone and my barriers are up high and I can't imagine being vulnerable and being all lovey dovey with him.
I care about him and he cares about me and is very happy - what more do we need?

I just walked round my flat thinking oh god I wish I had carried on painting but until my lodger moved out I couldn't as I didn't have the space to move things around. Now everything is in its place I do but it's too cold to paint as it won't dry. I literally have squares of colour all over my walls and plaster coming off the bathroom ceiling. Oh well patchy walls it is then. 😂

@VanGoghsDog that sounds really yummy and something that I would like.

[quote SortingItOut]@Naimee87 What I have with Mr K isn't everyones idea of a relationship but it works for us, we usually see each other a few times a week but message every day, we don't do weekends (maybe 1 or 2 a year) as that is time for him and his son and time for me to do my own stuff.
My kids are older so I don't worry about them knowing about Mr K but I don't get involved with his son at all, I don't want to be a step mum or to help parent.
We have no plans to live together, marry or merge finances.
I have spent 22 years of my life living with a man and 3 on my own (excluding childhood) and I love it, no stress, no arguing over chores or money.

@BelladiMamma This is a different type of relationship with no drama and no highs/lows and I struggle with that alot.
I know this is a normal relationship but when you've spent 19 years arguing and running on adrenalin constantly its hard to leave it behind.
We also haven't said we love each other - thanks emotional unavailability😂
Too be fair my heart is still made of stone and my barriers are up high and I can't imagine being vulnerable and being all lovey dovey with him.
I care about him and he cares about me and is very happy - what more do we need?[/quote]
It sounds perfect. Even dreaming about my ex puts me in an adrenalin spin, so what you have sounds great.

@SortingItOut i've never lived with a man apart from my DS's dad when we were really very young(early 20's for 3 years). Since then i've managed everything alone and it's gone from being a lonely up-hill battle to now free-wheeling merrily down a nice bumpy hill. My place really is mine and my DS's (and the pugs) sometimes it can be pretty quiet but other times it's a full house when friends/family visit. I used to hate having no plans on the weekends or free evenings now i look forward to them. I'm 34 so not the youngest anymore really but have no set plan for the future. I'm so happy to take life as it comes. I think you seem to have found someone you truly are compatible with which is amazing. So far i think i've moulded into who my 'partner' wants me to be or who i 'think' he wants me to be. But no way am i settling/changing anymore. All i need now is to get my career split happening and keep my DS on track in school (not proving easy at the current present) and make sure the pugs content.

God, I'm feeling so jealous of everyone with great dates 😊❤️

@VanGoghsDog
quite fancy that - what kind and where do you get the harissa paste from?

POF seems to be full of non drivers ... can be an issue for me given where I live ... although I suppose it could keep them out of my hair 😂

One week of NC with BeardFlake. I managed 2 weeks last time then cracked and sent him a voice note

I have found where I've hidden his phone number so I just need to leave it right there, hidden away and not bother with it

When we were NC before he was still looking and liking all my social media (how annoying is that. It's not really NC then is it).

So I'm celebrating this small win and looking forward to my date tonight and hoping that we might at the very least hug. I would like a non platonic hug

@Naimee87

I'm close to you in age and I feel the same - I'm not saying I want an entirely man-free life (can't wait for my speed dates!) but I'm very mindful I've created my own existence that works for me (after not having that when younger).

Dating really does show up blatant sexism in terms of guys thinking the woman has to do all the concessions/mental load.

Or even guys who are like "I support women working and being strong and independent but NOT for her own benefit - It has to be to provide a home for me to drop into or to support my own financial situation or my children!"

Checking in and catching up, @BelladiMamma and @VanGoghsDog posts on the first page made me laugh out loud this morning 😂
Everything is lovely with the bloody lovely Mr D and I find myself missing him and hoping he gets in touch, which he always does.
Like you @Naimee87 I have no set plan or agenda for how life will pan out (we're a similar age too) but I'm just enjoying this moment where things seem to be going well in life.
@SortingItOut was also waiting for the so I'll bin him punchline! If it works and you're both happy then that's what matters, you seem to have a good balance. I am also nervous and excited for upcoming therapy!

Well done @BelladiMamma I haven't looked at Computer Geek's messages at all this week so that is a big step as I was looking to see if he had read my last one every day at one point. And agree with the looking forward to a hug bit, that's what I enjoyed about Monday the hug at the end.