Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

@Naimee87 you and me are so similar, I also don't have plans for the future and take life as it comes. I did and it didn't work out so I won't anymore.

@Isitreallyme177 @Naimee87 this is the year I will have some plans and they go -

1. Sort out finances and general transition admin post divorce. Baby I'm a rich girl 😂💰😂
2. Actually carve out what I want my work life to look like. Finish my creative project, I've had some great feedback, it's just time to back myself
3. Be very clear with men what I'm looking for - relationship lite with mutual respect

That sounds good isitreally, something to look forward to!

My magnet iron reappeared this week, I'm quite proud of myself. He was super lovely and said " he misses our chats", he was the magnet / penpal who's life is busier than Boris' so could never grace me with his presence.

Previously I would have started chatting again but I just said I miss him too and left it at that after our conversation.

I'm not going back to penpal land and unless he has something substantial to say ie creating time for a coffee in his diary there's no point chatting to me now.

That is a big step for me! 😄

@bangheadhere40

That sounds good isitreally, something to look forward to!

My magnet iron reappeared this week, I'm quite proud of myself. He was super lovely and said " he misses our chats", he was the magnet / penpal who's life is busier than Boris' so could never grace me with his presence.

Previously I would have started chatting again but I just said I miss him too and left it at that after our conversation.

I'm not going back to penpal land and unless he has something substantial to say ie creating time for a coffee in his diary there's no point chatting to me now.

That is a big step for me! 😄

Jumping on that bandwagon.

Good for you ✊🏿

Thanks bella...difficult with flakes isn't it!

I never said that to him but that's my thought process now.

Well.done with beardflake too 🙂

@bangheadhere40

That's a great step to take - not cutting someone out completely, but just not giving them the headspace and emotional energy from chatting constantly/meeting THEIR needs and not yours.

It's horrible when someone is bombarding you with messages (but claiming they're "too busy to meet") and of course they make/have time to do plenty of other things.

That was exactly it spring wanted to chat 24/7 but very little / zero meets - as you say of course he had time for other stuff.

Previously too I may have spelt that out again to him but why should I! I'm always going on about actions v words so I have to present with my actions ( not words) I'm not going along with the penpal arrangement anymore.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@VanGoghsDog
quite fancy that - what kind and where do you get the harissa paste from?[/quote]
Any supermarket - definitely Sainsbury's or Waitrose. They do their own plus there is a branded version by something beginning with B.

Sorry, didn't see what type, I tend to buy the rose one but it's up to you. Here's an Amazon link to the branded one:

Belazu Rose Harissa, 170g www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07JP11N23/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_YVS7ZH8PB25GP9YCFSE7?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@SpringlikeBunk i've realised i'm just not in a position nor do i want to take on anyones else's 'life' at the moment. I'm finally enjoying living mine and want to enjoy myself. I also don't particularly want anyone involved in my chaos (which seems to be how i live my day to day life) either. I think for a long time i really wanted/needed 'help' because looking after kids/working/household stuff/hobbies is just easier when two people pitch in. But i've come to realise you can only really rely on yourself 100% A lot of relationships are quite unequal. So what's the point of being 'with' someone when they aren't really 'with' you.
I do realise being part of a relationship does involve being a support to someone and compromise so perhaps i'm being selfish in a way. But this is why i'm leaning more towards just casually seeing someone when i've free time and i can enjoy their company but they go their way and i go mine and we're not in each others pockets. I suppose when the right one shows up though this is where you both want to be though.
@Heartbeats0708 i feel you went about getting to know MrD absolutely the right way and took things much slower which in the long-run helps you to get to know someone much better. I think it's great you're missing each other.
@Iamclearlyamug so good to hear an update and such a positive one!

Magnet-man has been on my mind a lot this week. My attempts to ignore him have failed... dun dun duunnnn

I don't think it's being selfish, I think it's understandable when you already have your life settled. I think it's so different dating when you already have your own house, etc as it's not just merging lives but also giving up your independence and merging households (You'll have two of everything eg two sofas, two kettles etc).

@Isitreallyme177

I don't think it's being selfish, I think it's understandable when you already have your life settled. I think it's so different dating when you already have your own house, etc as it's not just merging lives but also giving up your independence and merging households (You'll have two of everything eg two sofas, two kettles etc).

2 dreadful exes ... etc 😁

Agree - also it’s different expectations for lifestyle etc.

Even if people are well-meaning, we all have different spending and saving styles and unless you’re at the marriage and forever relationship stage it’s so hard to synchronise!

I’m thinking about retirement planning and I should be fine (good quality of life but frugal) but if I partnered with someone who was too “earn lots spend lots” I’d be absolutely fucked.

I-- will not sleep with my date tonight

I will not sleep with my date tonight

Repeat I will not sleep with my date tonight

Ok maybe I'll just see how it goes ... 🙊

So... after the other night when i thought i upset him my guy messaged last night.. he rang first but i couldn't pick up cos i was in a restaurant with a friend. I really hope i can see him tonight ...

@BelladiMamma wise words, wise words! often when you tell yourself not to do something you do it, like DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON... ooooh what's it do?
@Dropdeadfred2 crossing fingers for you!

I guess that's it managing someone else's expectations and no longer just your own. Guess i'm not quite there yet. And my DS just turned 12 not many years left of him wanting to spend time with me really. I'm already not allowed anywhere near our local tramstop on a friday afternoon as he's allowed an hour with his friends after school to go there and the park close by. We live in a tiny safe village so kids get a lot of freedom here! When my time is more my own i'll be able to relax and not be slotting things in here there and everywhere.

[quote Naimee87]@BelladiMamma wise words, wise words! often when you tell yourself not to do something you do it, like DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON... ooooh what's it do?
@Dropdeadfred2 crossing fingers for you!

I guess that's it managing someone else's expectations and no longer just your own. Guess i'm not quite there yet. And my DS just turned 12 not many years left of him wanting to spend time with me really. I'm already not allowed anywhere near our local tramstop on a friday afternoon as he's allowed an hour with his friends after school to go there and the park close by. We live in a tiny safe village so kids get a lot of freedom here! When my time is more my own i'll be able to relax and not be slotting things in here there and everywhere.[/quote]
Exactly. So I'll be out til 3, doing an E, sleeping with this fella only to ghost him. Yeah, that's what I've got planned 😂

@Dropdeadfred2 sounding hopeful everything crossed for you that it's just a blip

@BelladiMamma thank you. I hope so too

lol @BelladiMamma

I'm respecting my app break (definitely think it's helped me emotionally overall) BUT I'm also dying for a hug, or a date, or "frisson", or something like that.

"You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait..." etc etc

Hi all. Sitting at the hairdressers with a head full of tinfoil and someone else's wifi so am ok for a quick update.

Had coffee with Mr Printer this morning - wee bit awkward. He looks like his photos (yay!) and is definitely quite fanciable physically. But I felt I was the one doing more of the chat - I'm fairly comfortable meeting new people, whereas I think he's quite quiet and shy. He left after about 45mins. I fear I'm probably a little 'too much' (ie more relaxed in that kind of environment) for him. On the other hand, whilst I find 'hidden depths' quite attractive, I'm not sure how long it would take him to feel comfortable letting them start to show. And I'm not sure that level of hard work is what I need right now.

For reasons related to STBXH I am confined to Tinder from now on (where I can block him... and the friend of his who found my profile on one of the other apps and sent it to him on Sunday 😡💥) so that is going to severely limit my options going forward.

Having said that, both Mr Printer and Mr Colleague were matched on Tinder so it has a better track record for me so far than the rest...

Love that plan, fond memories of my youth!

@FireandBrimstone

oh I know that feeling - the whole "I'm naturally quiet" vibe just makes me feel like I'm gabbling on even if I'm not? It feels kind of uneasy, like they're sitting there gathering information whilst giving away nothing about themselves.

I always think good things come to those who wait (and wait and wait in my case).

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@FireandBrimstone

oh I know that feeling - the whole "I'm naturally quiet" vibe just makes me feel like I'm gabbling on even if I'm not? It feels kind of uneasy, like they're sitting there gathering information whilst giving away nothing about themselves.[/quote]
You see I don't have this problem with Mr Cricket the pair of us just talk and talk, even at our first meeting it was like it. I'm usually quite shy and quiet but with him it's just so easy and comes naturally.