Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

@Eesha thank you, I have another date coming up and think we have more in common so looking forward to that :)

@WeWantTheFinestWines your holiday update made me laugh, no fish!

@WeWantTheFinestWines that sounds amazing! Love the fact this thread was better than your book too

@Onesmallstep67 Thanks for your thoughts this morning, I'm in agreement about the low blow by mentioning his son.
I have huge guilt if I ask him to do something with me and he can't see his son and he knows this, I know he was on the defensive because he doesn't want to upset anyone but his comment was uncalled for and I will mention it when we meet up to discuss.

I've felt for a while that he has got comfortable in the relationship and he's happy with everything, I agree that the lack of meets due to my job and his broken rib has affected things from my side alot and I realise to keep things good I need to see him regularly.
I'm not changing my job, he can't change when he sees his son so I'm not sure what happens.

We are texting our usual texts in the morning but it feels very strained.
I'm hoping we can meet tomorrow night to discuss our relationship.

@SortingItOut I agree it was a low blow from Mr K to make it about his son when it was obvious it wasn't.

Hopefully it was just a knee jerk defensive reaction and after he's had a bit of time to reflect he will come to the table tomorrow with a more open and responsive approach to addressing stuff.

@WeWantTheFinestWines yes, it was me grappling with the mixed messages. I hear you re the go forward with caution warning! IME low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness usually = all kinds of shitty and unpredictable behaviour. Hopefully that won't be the case here but we shall see. Hope you had a fabulous holiday!

@SortingItOut
Interesting how we often go back to communication and how things change in communication as the relationship shifts or goes somewhere else. MrK has not done a great job of reassuring you as things have changed between you. A few weeks ago you had the milestone of the bbq and moving towards a new understanding. It’s very lazy of him to throw back the priorities around his son. I’m pleased you’re going to meet face to face because that’s the only way to resolve it. The text ping pong can get quite pass/agg which is no fun for anyone. I’m so sorry you’ve hit a road bump and I hope you can get past it.

@WeWantTheFinestWines noticed in your thread Tinder and 50+

Being a 50+ male I hadn't even considered Tinder as an option, thinking it was only for 20/30s, is it as bad as the youngsters in my office make it out to be ?

@Languidleopard my only experience with low-self esteem/unworthiness were with MrE and i can say it was pretty draining a lot of the time. But it did make me realise how i must have come across in previous relationships as i've been massively guilty with needing/wanting reassurance ALL the time. So at least i learned how not to behave when the 'goings good' just enjoy it. And seems the discussion was the right things to do. Fingers crossed for you!
@SortingItOut how you feeling today? Has he agreed to a chat later on. How old is his DS? I remember there being a big age difference with your children and his and i think it's very admirable how involved he is with him given my ex has nothing to do with my DS (his choice too, lazy bsa*d) But did you say he'd chosen to make plans with friends over seeing you when he didn't have his DS with him. If this is the case then maybe he genuinely doesn't realise you want/need more from him in this relationship. Good Luck when you do finally see him!

@StartingAgain6369 I’m late 40’s and the only dates that progressed beyond chats for me were from Tinder. I think a lot depends on location and there are a lot of men seeking hooks up only (don’t know if the women of that age are the same) but there are plenty of genuine people too - in my experience. My age band would be 42-52.

@BelladiMamma You're right, the family BBQ was a huge thing for me, similarly the party this weekend was a huge thing for me as it was meeting most of my friends and I've felt quite vulnerable allowing this as I've not met any of his friends yet.
Plus actually asking him to come to something on a Saturday was another huge thing as I never want him to think he has to choose.
And then after all that angst he's now not coming.

@Naimee87 I feel rather ambivalent today, part of me just wants to end it and part of me wants to discuss things.
We can't meet tonight as he has his son, I told him last night that I want to meet face to face so tonight I will firm up for Thursday evening which is when we were due to meet anyway.

His son is 10 and my children are 24 and 18 so a huge gap. I really like how involved he is in his son's life and the fact he has him every weekend and I know a lot of parents don't have this arrangement.
Mr K knows that as his son reaches teenage years he is likely to want to do teenage things and hang out with friends and not him so he wants to make the most of this time.

Mr K has sometimes gone out with friends instead of meeting me but he would only do this if we had already met that week or was due to meet within a few days.
I am fine with this because his only free time to meet friends (or me or do hobbies or work later) is when he doesn't have his son and that's only 3 nights a week so he has to spread himself quite thin.
I'm lucky in that I have quite a bit of free time so I do my hobbies or meet friends on other nights.

[quote MayEye]@StartingAgain6369 I’m late 40’s and the only dates that progressed beyond chats for me were from Tinder. I think a lot depends on location and there are a lot of men seeking hooks up only (don’t know if the women of that age are the same) but there are plenty of genuine people too - in my experience. My age band would be 42-52.[/quote]
Thank you for replying, I'm not long out of a 30 year relationship and starting to look at OLD

Plenty of people on here in their fifties starting again so stick with the thread for support- and good luck! I started OLD last year after coming out of a 22 year relationship and it’s scary as hell but enjoyable too

[quote StartingAgain6369]@WeWantTheFinestWines noticed in your thread Tinder and 50+

Being a 50+ male I hadn't even considered Tinder as an option, thinking it was only for 20/30s, is it as bad as the youngsters in my office make it out to be ?[/quote]
Me too I'm 50 and out of a 20 year relationship. Life's crazy but you're not alone! I see plenty of guys our age on apps. It's not unusual.

Bloody bollocks, I’ve been ghosted,
Have been seeing someone for a couple of months, few nice dates, bit of sex and then poof she’s vanished.
Bloody bollocks, she was nice as well, oh Fuck it

@JustAnother0ldMan sorry to hear that, are you positive?

@JustAnother0ldMan

Bloody bollocks, I’ve been ghosted, Have been seeing someone for a couple of months, few nice dates, bit of sex and then poof she’s vanished. Bloody bollocks, she was nice as well, oh Fuck it

How long has it been?? I thought I'd been ghosted but i finally heard back after 9 days

@Eesha
Yep pretty sure, we used to exchange messages almost daily on WhatsApps, saw her 2 weekend ago for a date, and we were both talking about our plans for next week, and that was it, has been 10 days, I’ve sent a few messages, radio silence now.
Oh fuck her ! she was nice as well, not boring or dull

@JustAnother0ldMan

Bloody bollocks, I’ve been ghosted, Have been seeing someone for a couple of months, few nice dates, bit of sex and then poof she’s vanished. Bloody bollocks, she was nice as well, oh Fuck it

Well that’s a bit shit. I’ve had it happen to me also in the same scenario. It’s awful. It’s not you, it’s them.

@JustAnother0ldMan could you give her a call?? Has she blocked you in WhatsApp??

@Sugaspunsista
Blocked I think, I called her yesterday, went to VM

[quote JustAnother0ldMan]@Sugaspunsista
Blocked I think, I called her yesterday, went to VM[/quote]
It wouldn't go to voicemail if you were blocked.

If you message in WhatsApp do you get two ticks??

@Sugaspunsista
Goes to VM if I call her directly WhatsApp shows 1 tick and her profile picture has disappeared for me

[quote JustAnother0ldMan]@Sugaspunsista
Goes to VM if I call her directly WhatsApp shows 1 tick and her profile picture has disappeared for me[/quote]
Ohhh that does sounds like a blocking... that's horrible. Not a nice thing to do to someone you have been spending time with.

@JustAnother0ldMan I'm sorry to hear that. Just can't see why people can't even have common decency to explain, or even make up an excuse.

So I just asked Mr Cricket when he's free for dinner (was doing my online food shop so seemed like the perfect time). Can't even bring myself to look at WhatsApp now😂😂.

@JustAnother0ldMan At least she blocked you, when I was ghosted he didn't even have the decency to block me. It's still shit and they are cowards. It doesn't hurt just to send a quick message and is completely unacceptable behaviour.

@JustAnother0ldMan that's really shitty behaviour, I'm so sorry. I was going to say what is it really said as the guy who ghosted me after a similar time also didn't block me (just ignored contact) - but actually, you're left with the questioning either way so I don't think it makes a difference

@Isitreallyme177 are you planning to try and take it to the next level with Mr cricket...? Is that why you feel anxious?

So... I've got a date this evening with Mr Scot and we've both admitted being a bit scared despite amazing video chats! Just a pub drink but I don't know what to wear as I know he'll be casual. Nervous!