Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

SortingItOut
If you are hurt , you are hurt
I’m not going to say what he did is ok , as it’s clearly hurt you

And I can tell this is raising all sorts of issues for you , especially with abusive ex
I don’t know why , but after a bad relationship the ups and downs of dating make you question yourself more I find ?

When in doubt do nowt I always say , so sleep on it and think

But if the deal isn’t making you feel happy and valued anymore - why bother ultimately ?

And you don’t sound happy

I also agree that after two years you need a talk
And you need to be honest and vulnerable and be open to not hearing what you might like

Send it’s ok to be confused about what we want and don’t want , it’s human !

@SortingItOut don't convince yourself that this relationship is working for you if it makes you unhappy.. life's too short

I managed to complete with my overseas obsession ! And I’m glad I did

I sent him an email calling him on asking for an ‘intimate’ photo and not replying
Also said I get it’s over between us , but it wasn’t a nice thing to do

I think I pissed him off calling on his flakiness but I’m glad i did

But I’m more peaceful now and not horny and not thinking about him

Onwards !

@Naimee87

Thing is with the whole FWB/FB situation it seems quite easy to be on different pages. What exactly is the difference between the two. Is a FWB someone you care about and who you know cares about you but for whatever reason won't/can't commit? Or you can't commit to... I gather a FB is simply sex with no feelings involved. Does seem like skating on thin ice with being able to keep on the same page. I found that often it's very hard (for me) to separate sex and feelings.

Well, there really are not any rules or set definitions, the terms can be fairly interchangeable.

I tend to use FB because if I just shag someone it wouldn't be a friend. If someone is a friend I want to shag then I'm going to want them to be an actual bf.

Not everyone can separate sex and feelings. I can, if I have no feelings. So, I can have sex with someone I don't have feelings (other than lust) for.

But if they are a friend, a person with whom you have some kind of real emotional connection and who you hang out with and turn to if you, or they, need something - then there are feelings, so if you throw sex on top of that it's surely becomes a relationship.

I mean, quite frankly, I would not refer to MrWG as my friend. He calls me his friend, but he's deluded because he's so detached from me that there's no way I'd ever ask him for help if I needed something, and that to me is what a friend is. And he never offers.

Looks like our usual Wednesday meet up will be off due to the petrol issues, he has a long trip Saturday and doesn't want to risk using fuel. Unferstandable but annoying as it's the only day I see him.

Talking of set rules and definitions I'm discovering a whole new thing through Feeld and FAB.

I can't do a relationship, I don't want one but I want affection and connection and some thrills. Without the pills and the bellyaches. The guys on there seem more open to that discussion...

Let's see if the current irons flake but on the list for meets are:

MrJoe - totally up for a once a fortnight meet at a time that suits me. Will do all the arranging of initial social ... very very sweet. Might be too nice for me!
MrActor - lots in common, super sexy voice, looking for a FWB whilst he's in a thing in London til end of November. Not emotionally invested but definitely excited by this prospect & want to explore ... social coffee booked in ...
MrSardinia - local, seems to have flex in when he can meet. In a house share as just separated so not sure how practical this is ...
MrTattoo and MrItaly are still in the mix but have even less time than me ... plus MrTattoo is such a nice vibe I'm concerned he may want romance. I can't do romance yet ... not ready for that ...

@SortingItOut I think when someone doesn't give you what you need it's hard to tackle them about it because you're laying yourself open to being vulnerable. As a fellow emotionally unavailable person I can relate!

I think you should tell him how this has really pissed you off. He's behaved in an inconsiderate way, started to take you for granted and isn't doing the maintenance required to keep the relationship alive. But given your history, I think he deserves a chance. I don't think you should end things, not for this anyway.

A previous poster said all relationships have obstacles, it's how you deal with them. I agree. Conflict is inevitable, people fuck up and boundaries and needs sometimes need to be re-established. It's a negotiation between his needs and yours. If you can't agree an arrangement which is mutually acceptable then fair enough. But I don't think you should throw the towel in just yet.

A quick update on the situation with Mr Breadcrumbs.

He actually called me to have the what are we talk, rather than the other way round. I seized the nettle and told him that him repeatedly telling me he doesn't want a relationship while doing all the things he does - meals out, theatre, public displays of affection, 2 hour phone calls etc etc was starting to get annoying.

He took it surprisingly well! We've agreed that we will both be open to the possibility of a relationship as neither of us know eachother well enough to decide whether a relationship is viable or desirable. We've only met IRL about 5 or 6 times and are still both on our best behaviour. We're in the discovery phase basically - all we've established so far is that we fancy eachother, enjoy talking to eachother and have some interests in common. For me that's just not enough to decide either way.

I told him that if he definitely does not want a relationship with anyone then it makes seeing eachother pointless and depressing. He said this is not the case; it's more about fear of him or me being upset if we split up and him not being good at dealing with conflict.

I've snoozed my Bumble profile and he has been off the apps since July and has agreed to stay off for now. If he decides he can't be doing with me anymore or vice versa then that's just how it goes. But for now, we'll carry on getting to know eachother and going with the flow.

I think he has chronically low self esteem which is an amber flag for me, as I don't think it's possible to be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself but we shall see.

On a date - toilet update - he’s cute!

@SortingItOut I've read your posts for a while now and you always give great advice. I feel like you have nothing to lose by being open with Mr K. I would tell him exactly what you have said here, especially about not feeling a priority. If he reacts badly, then you can always call things off. However I suspect he doesn't realise how upset you are. I would totally feel the same, that feeling when you know they will come up with some excuse not to come to something important. However you always come across as strong and together so I would totally talk it through with him.

@BelladiMamma we totally need a FAB chat going now

@Languidleopard yay! I'm pleased you got it out in the open. You must feel a huge sense of relief now

Asked my date in for a cup of tea after he dropped me off and he said no! Guess he didn’t fancy me. Or was being gentlemanly- is there such a thing?

@Languidleopard well done that all sounds positive!!

@Languidleopard and @Eesha Thanks for your thoughts.
I'm so good at giving advice but not actually following it myself.

I replied to Mr K earlier to say I've been expecting his message for the last week (not grown up at all) and that I'm pissed off and annoyed so I have nothing else to say until I calm down (this was after he sent another message to check in after a day at work)
He got defensive and said if I was pissed off at him putting his son first we needed to reconsider things and that if I'm pissed off I can save my breath.
I got angry and told him as grown ups we should speak face to face and this is what I want to do, I also told him that I considered his son top priority and my need to talk was about our relationship dynamics and my priority in his life which appears to not be in his Top 20.
He apologised for making me feel like that and says he cares about me alot.

I haven't replied and I then had a work meeting and not long got home.
I'm still very annoyed about it all and just dont know if I can be bothered especially after his initial attitude tonight.
Why have I got to tell him how to behave in a relationship? Surely he should know.

I might feel differently in the morning.

Thanks again to everyone who has commented on my post today, I really appreciate the support this thread gives.

@Stayingstrongish Maybe he thought it was too soon as inviting someone in is usually code for sex.
Maybe he didn't want to put himself in a position of being in your home alone with you.

Loads of reasons and hopefully he will tell you in due course.

I would send a thanks for a great night message and if you want to see him again, mention that to. If you're not sure just say that you had a great time.

Thanks… maybe it was a bit forward of me. Will take your advice 😊

@Stayingstrongish

Asked my date in for a cup of tea after he dropped me off and he said no! Guess he didn’t fancy me. Or was being gentlemanly- is there such a thing?

Was it a 1st date?

@StartingAgain6369 yes it was. Perhaps he felt it was a bit much.

@Stayingstrongish has he messaged since you got home??

@Stayingstrongish

Asked my date in for a cup of tea after he dropped me off and he said no! Guess he didn’t fancy me. Or was being gentlemanly- is there such a thing?

Depends - how did he say it? Any reason given?

@Sugaspunsista I’ve messaged him to say thanks for a nice night, but he hasn’t messaged back. Perhaps I just wasn’t his cup of tea (as well as not wanting a cup of tea!). I can’t remember exactly what he said as I was a bit embarrassed so left pretty quick.

@Stayingstrongish don't feel down, just chalk it up to experience now.

Hi all, just checking in from holiday. Realised that I've caught up on the thread rather than read the book I bought at the airport - you lot are now officially more interesting than Miriam Margolyes!

I unsnoozed Tinder briefly while in a Scandi capital and wow. Not a potato in sight. Almost everyone in my age range (50+) has hair, they're slim and not one person held a fish! Photos tended to be taken outside, rather than in bed, and they had the actual iron in them, not their grandchild or dog. On the downside, the local women are stunning, so...

Is it Languid who's got an iron saying no but doing yes? Well done for calling him out. Beware. I've been there - met the parents, weekends away, but he stuck to not wanting a RS and never changed. I got attached and it broke my heart. But I was young and scared to bring it up - you've communicated so there may be hope. Keep checking in with him though.

Good luck to everyone else - see you on the next thread!

wines where is this place you speak of with non potatoes? Sounds fab!

@SortingItOut, we all know the unwritten rule that kids come first and it was a rather low blow for Mr K to use that against you as if you are someone that doesn’t respect or understand that. Clearly the tension between you is not that he’s seeing his son but that he’s not prioritising you at other times when he is free. We don’t know Mr K but it could be simply that he’s feeling comfortable in the relationship that you have and a bit complacent about the time you have together ? I don’t think that you would be making yourself vulnerable to say to him that you want to feel a priority . You’re working on living apart together- having a sustained and meaningful connection with him - and for that to happen you need regular, quality time together. I think when you have ‘banked’ a few great dates and topped up on feeling connected then it’s easier to get through the times when you can’t meet for whatever reason. Hopefully this is what you both decide you want.