Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

@Earlgrey19

Feeling myself flag already at the multiple times daily messaging that goes on when you seem to make a good match on OLD. I get to a point I want to take a few days off from It & then they think I’m not interested. Alternative is to suggest meeting but I think I tend to suggest it too soon and it scares some.

@Dirtyduck that’s lovely! And good to have a positive story to inspire us 😊

Why not suggest meeting and then say you're taking a break? 'Really want to meet you as I'm having a lot of fun chatting with you but I'm also going to take a break as I have a lot of things going on / work to catch up with / love to meet and not text' etc

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/sep/26/straight-from-the-heart-the-lockdown-inspired-love-letter-boom?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other

A little Sunday night reading on the 'pen pal' phenomenon

Thanks @BelladiMamma , good suggestions.

I've just read the article Bella - interesting. I've always been able to open up more in writing, even to myself in my journal. Also interesting is the articles take on 'slowing things down'. Maybe lockdown has either made people more cautious but equally you could say they may be more inclined to throw caution to the wind. I've become more cautious, more of a no nonsense attitude.
In other news - a friend of my exDH propositioned me Fri night. He's married with DC. I ignored his subtle attempts but when he spelt it out, boy did I get him running scared! It was quite funny. I told him how disappointed I was that he wasn't reaching out to me as a friend (I couldn't care less) but in the end, after a bit of pleading, I assured him I wouldn't gossip. Knob!

[quote SortingItOut]@Naimee87 During my sexual revolution I had a number of FB/FWB, everyone involved knew there was no exclusivity.

I've never gone from FWB to FB, generally the communication level was agreed at the start.

If you think an FWB is becoming an FB then you mention it because you've got good boundaries, and end things if it doesn't improve.[/quote]
I went through the same thing in my early forties.

Loads of FB. I've never had a FWB until MrWG, though as an actual friend he's a bit rubbish.

I had another FB in 2018.

There's no real rules, you make the rules for you as long as you're open, have discussed and negotiated it between you, and anyone else who matters. And take care of your contraception and sexual health!

I've been to a sex club a few times by the way. Quite fun. The Vanilla Alternative is quite near me! (It wasn't that one I went to).

@BelladiMamma I read the article and do love the whole letter writing/wooing at the start of anything. In fact, I hate moving to WhatsApp because it feels so abrupt and unromantic.

@Walkingalot that's awful about your friends husband. It hasn't happened to me but one of my friend's husbands does this a lot. Creep.

Hope everyone has a fun filled week ahead! I got a lovely message from a guy I had a phone chat with, saying how lovely I was etc even though we weren't compatible in my eyes post the chat, definitely a wordsmith!

@Walkingalot

I've just read the article Bella - interesting. I've always been able to open up more in writing, even to myself in my journal. Also interesting is the articles take on 'slowing things down'. Maybe lockdown has either made people more cautious but equally you could say they may be more inclined to throw caution to the wind. I've become more cautious, more of a no nonsense attitude. In other news - a friend of my exDH propositioned me Fri night. He's married with DC. I ignored his subtle attempts but when he spelt it out, boy did I get him running scared! It was quite funny. I told him how disappointed I was that he wasn't reaching out to me as a friend (I couldn't care less) but in the end, after a bit of pleading, I assured him I wouldn't gossip. Knob!

@Walkingalot

Knob indeed. Glad to you told him where to go with his proposition

Evening all. I've been a bit quiet on here lately as real life got a bit crazy! My update is that Mr runner and I are no more. He's back in a bad place and I need someone who can focus on my needs as well as their own. It's very sad what's happening with him, but it's the right thing to do. So of course, I jumped back on tinder... And unusually I've actually got matches which converted to chats! Mr music is a bit full on and seems to think we're dating after one video chat...will proceed with caution. Mr poly is as his name, but currently completely single and has piqued my interest with his writing and intellect so far - he suggested meeting but I'm busy for a bit so he said he'd wait. And Mr separation - also as his name, very recently separated and not looking for anything but seems to like me after a video chat and wants more. We had fun on our chat so I'll see what happens and he might be fun to hang out with.

I've decided that I don't really know what I'm looking for - but I'll know when I find it!

Just caught up with all the chats - so funny that lots seem to veering away from relationships to FWB type arrangements- and sex clubs - my word I’ve led a sheltered life!
And @Eesha!!!! Loving that update

My update is things still are going well with Mr L. He’s very sweet 🥰 It’s my birthday Friday and because of knob ex we can’t see each other this weekend as planned, so he has booked a lovely hotel near to me on Thursday night so he can take me out to dinner. He’s on the road for work but not really nearby but is happy to travel. I just love the way he wants to see me and isn’t afraid to say that - it’s all about the effort, it’s impressing me anyway :) I can’t even stay over but we’ll have a nice meal and a few hours together - it’ll make for a nice start to my birthday anyway

@Misty9 sounds productive! I’m impressed how quickly you get to video chat — is that your suggestion?

Update: omigawd Mr Poet sent me a link to his ‘music’ — it involves him doing spoken word he’s written with his pals playing music in background and his part I found really, really bad!! I have to respond because I feel he’s sent me his ‘art’ but I don’t think I even want to chat to him anymore. Lesson for future — don’t agree to WhatsApp too soon 🤦🏻‍♀️

@MayEye that sounds really lovely! Like the sound of Mr L.

@Earlgrey19 no! It's been the guy's suggestion both times and I was a bit reluctant, but actually it's a good way to suss each other out a bit more and see if they can hold a conversation. And can be done when the kids are in bed so no big build up before you can meet!

@Earlgrey19 I tend to use video calls a lot with online dating. I don't wear makeup, but have my glasses and dressing gown on. At least it shows us in our natural state!

@Misty9 I'm liking Mr L too!

[quote Eesha]@Misty9 I'm liking Mr L too![/quote]
He's @MayEye's not mine

But I did have another very enjoyable video chat with Mr separation - who I'm going to rename Mr Scot. I'm a bit cautious given his situation, but we really bounce off each other and I haven't laughed so much in ages. So we'll see. We're meeting later this week

I’ve matched with a promising looking guy who I’ll call Mr Sci-Fi as it’s one of his interests. However he has a daughter who lives about a hundred miles from him even though he has a job he can do from home so presumably could move closer to her. Is this a red flag? Think I need to find out more.

Tonight I have a date with a guy who looks cute though he’s into cars and works at a garage (I am not into cars!). However we have some interests in common so we’ll see.

@MayEye i really like the sound of MrL sounds like you're on the same page which is must be so refreshing. It is all about effort isn't and when it matches it can feel great. When their too overly keen it comes across as 'smothery' but then when we're making all the effort it feels like such hard-work and just confusing! Hope your birthday plans are a lot of fun.
@Misty9 i'm liking the sound of the video-calls. I don't think i've ever done this with a potential iron but suppose when you're juggling kids/working it's a good way to find out if you should go to the lengths of making arrangements and carving out precious time to meet in person.

Had my condensed weekend with mr working away. Was lovely. Still no red flags. Slightly amber about his daughter, he doesn’t have her overnight. Ever. More of a relaxed pop in and out situ.
I have to say, having a fwb on the side this round of OLD is really helping. Seeing clearer and unconsciously being more aloof and altogether less stressed about the whole thing.

Loving the updates from people, the thread feels really upbeat at the moment, I know it goes up and down but right now its really positive.

I really need some advice and I hope it won't drag the thread down....

Mr K and I together 2 years, met on Fab, started as FB, progressed to FWB, then a relationship after 9 months.
He has a son he sees 2 nights after school and Sat am - Sun night so we rarely get weekends together and I am fine with that.
I am happy his son always comes first, its very refreshing to see and I like my own time at weekends.

In our first year together (2 months in) we had one sat night together and that was when we went to a sex club.
On our 1 year anniversary we had a weekend away.
We then had no weekend together until August 2021 when he came to my family BBQ, he saw his son in the morning and then the next day left mine in the morning and had his son all day.
We then did a charity walk 4 weeks ago, just on the Sunday, he had his son in the Saturday only.
7 weeks ago I asked Mr K to come to a friends birthday party this coming weekend, he agreed.
Last week I mentioned the party and hope he had his outfit ready, he then said he hadn't spoken to his son's mum yet, I was annoyed and he said he was sure it was fine and he'd sort his outfit.
I've been waiting for him to tell me he can't come since last week and this morning I had the message,apparently he spoke to his son's mum, she is fine with it but his son is upset as he hasn't seen his dad much and so Mr K must put his son first and isn't coming to the party.

I am so pissed off, not with his son but with Mr K, he has known anout this party for weeks and done nothing to sort it.
The reason his son is upset about not seeing his dad is that last weekend Mr K did a fishing trip from Thurs - Sun (with my brother and 2 friends). This was alast minute thing as someone dropped out.

Over the last 2 months Mr K has done 2 festivals, one for a long weekend, one for 2 days.
He is also supposed to be on another fishing trip next weekend (planned a few weeks ago)

Am I right to be pissed off?
I don't ask much of Mr K and when I do he now can't come, its really messed things up in terms of travel and taxis etc
I also feel like my feelings don't count. He knows I feel guilty if he gives up time with his son for me so it was a huge thing to ask him and now he's saying his son's feelings must come first which I agree with but feels like a guilt trip. I think I've maybe been too laid back our whole relationship about everything so he thinks I'm easy going (which I am but sometimes I want him to consider me)

I have always encouraged his hobbies and he got a years fishing membership for a local club recently but fishing now seems to have taken over.

We used to see each other 3 times a week, then in January I started a new job and work some evenings when I would usually see him so we are down to 1 - 2 evenings a week which still worked well.
He broke his rib in July and we barely saw each other for 6 weeks, if we did see each other there were no sleepovers and I felt we drifted apart.

I think I want to end things...
We're both emotionally unavailable but I don't think he's meeting my needs, I don't expect to be 1st, 2nd or 3rd priority but I should be near the top, not near the bottom.

I think I'd be less pissed off if he hadn't gone fishing last weekend and not seen his son and wasn't going next week either. I could foresee this even without him saying what he did last week.

So can you either talk me down or agree with me?
At thr moment I've not replied to his message because I might say something I regret.

Perhaps before you make an impulsive decision you should sit down with him and tell him exactly what you told us. See how he reacts and what his actions moving forward say. Then make a decision. That feeling of being let down and not being any sort of priority is a hard one to live with. But after 2 years he needs the opportunity to show you he does care.

@Thisisnotwhatiwant Thanks for your thoughts.
I should also say that I'm 3 years out of an emotionally abusive marriage, the marriage lasted 17 yrs and throughout all that time I was emotionally abused and he had numerous emotional affairs so not being a priority is how I've spent most of my life☹

I had my 2nd counselling yesterday and we spent an hour discussing my marriage and her main thought from it was that I had spent 17 years meeting other peoples needs, putting my needs and happiness to one side but making sure everyone around me was happy.

She is so right and now is my time to make sure my own needs are met and be happy and that is not what is happening right now in my relationship.
Luckily outside of the relationship my life is pretty great.

@SortingItOut, I guess you are flagging this up because it's not the first time you have felt a little way down his priority list ? The way you share things on here it always seems that you have great boundaries and a healthy balance between seeing Mr K but also having your own stuff going on. Which part of this stings the most? Being side lined? Late decision? Him not being with you at the party? Are there occasions where he may have felt he was not your priority ? Not that he's done this on purpose but more that there's a general tone to the relationship that it's exclusive but you each live your own life and meet when you can ? My friend tells me sometimes that I self sabotage and tend to focus on the not so great points with Mr V. Whereas in reality no relationship is without issue, it's how you negotiate the hurdles that counts.

@SortingItOut

I'm afraid I agree with you. And you should be in his top three priorities. Certainly his son comes first (though that actually means the arrangements his son's mother agrees to come first), but he is also prioritising friends and hobby over you. If he can not have his son some weekends he should check your plans, fish on one day, see you the other, etc. Especially as you're now only seeing each other once or twice a week.

You have reverted to FWB.

If I'm entirely honest, I feel as if you have been justifying this relationship to yourself for quite a while now.

You know what they say about fishing - give a man a fish and he eats for a day; teach a man to fish and you won't see him for a year. It's worse than bloody football!