Dating thread 213 - falling into Autumn leaves

[BelladiMamma]

New thread 🧵 with the rules as a screenshot 🍂

I like your last sentence luckily outside of the relationship my life is pretty great I don't think i can offer any advice (given my previous posts and disastrous MrE 'relationship) but i think it's definitely worth keeping that sentence in mind. I know that i have finally reached a point where i'm so happy with how things are for me and for my DS that i wouldn't settle into a relationship that was making me unhappier than i was went i entered into it. That being said you and MrK have history so it wouldn't be easy to walk away i can understand that. I definitely wouldn't send anything to him just yet perhaps draft a few things but don't send them so you get to 'vent' a little without regretting having exchanged any 'heat of the moment' thoughts. Definitely wait and have a chat with him as it doesn't sound like you often get to make these types of plans and this was a long-standing invitation which he should have made an effort to make work as it meant a lot to you.

@Onesmallstep67 Thanks for commenting.

I think what hurts the most about this is the embarrassment of telling my friends he now isn't coming, its a pride thing (I think).
My ex husband used to agree to go to things and then change his mind or be moody and ruin the night.
I was so hoping we'd have a great time and I'd have a bit of normality with a partner.
Plus its affected numbers, my best friend is only taking her husband because I was taking Mr K, if I didn't take him it would have just been a girls night out with other friends. I feel like its affected that plus the minibus hire etc

I wish I hadn't asked him, I wish he hadn't said yes, I wish he'd arranged with his son's mum earlier.

He knows he is a priority, the only way he may think he is less is due to my job but he encouraged me to apply even though we knew some evening meetings fell on 'our'nights, he says he is proud of me for getting this job.
He says he quite likes it when I have evening meetings because he can go fishing without worrying he's cancelled seeing me to do it.

I never change our plans but sometimes he will tell me on the day or a few days before that he's seeing friends or got something else on, I'm fine with that as sometimes that is the only time they can all meet as they have families themselves.

Given the above it does seem like a meet when we can, most of the time we don't plan ahead, we know we meet Tues, Thurs & Fri unless we are busy but sometimes that is not mentioned until the day.
I try to tell him in advance when my meetings are but whether he remembers is another thing.

I definitely self sabotage, I'm emotionallly unavailable and I'm fearful/disorganised attachment style - its a bloody recipe for disaster.
I want to be loved but I don't want to be loved.
I want a relationship but I don't want a relationship.

Its so complicated and I'm not good at stating my needs, any conversation with my ex husband either ended because he stonewalled me or gaslighted me so I hate difficult conversations especially those which involve feelings.

@VanGoghsDog Its funny you mention FWB because thats what I just said to a friend, we seem to have reverted back to FWB.

Some of it is my job which means we meet less and some is life opening up after Covid and so more things are happening.

Our relationship has never been the norm as living together is not in my future plans but I thought we were doing ok living our own lives and meeting regularly.

I joked last week that I was becoming a fishing widow....luckily most of his fishing takes place on the evenings I don't ususlly see him or when I've got meetings.

@Naimee87 Thanks for your thoughts.
When I split from my husband I didn't ever want a relationship again hence the casual sex but Mr K and I kind of fell into one.

What does he bring to my life?
The sex is great plus he cooks amazing food when I go round😂
Not the best basis for a relationship admittedly....

We're both emotionally unavailable so there are no declarations of love or talk of feelings beyond things like 'you make me happy', 'my life is better with you in it'

Maybe all I need in life is an FB/FWB or 3 just to have my needs met sexually because in every other respect I meet my own needs...well I do have a love honey drawer so maybe I don't need my sexual needs met😂

@SortingItOut

IDK, I really don't like the "cancelling on you for friends" thing? That would annoy me (admittedly I'm on the princess side of things). It's just sending the wrong emotional message.

I think I got the message instilled in me when younger I wasn't worth anyone making me a priority unless I was the equivalent of the "cool girl" personality.

How about practical things? Would he help out with DIY or a house move if needed or give you a run to the airport?

I think you do need your emotional needs met, you just don't want to admit that you do.

No judgement from me, I'm exactly the same! I can't tell MrWG what I want or what my feelings are for fear he'll run away. But why I want to stay with someone in those circumstances is anyone's guess!

(I'm a git and think cancelling on the day is the same as standing me up if I've been looking forward to seeing someone, but again that may be me being me).

For me right now i am so happy that i am no longer searching for or wanting a relationship where we are completely in each others pockets. This was my focus a few years back, pinned my happiness on being together with someone. But now i like the thought of keeping my independence and not have anything change the set up i have taken years to make work. Not only make work but i love how it works. I was never open to the FWB scenario a few years ago but i've got a lot to juggle at the moment so just having a casual 'escape' with someone whose fantastic in bed would suit me just fine. But i wonder how long would this be 'fine' for because feeling like less and less of a priority isn't a nice feeling and i suppose it could happen on either side. I've been a people-pleaser as well, defnitely making sure others are happy without even realising i'm unhappy. What's your game plan with this? how have you left things?
The drawer comment made me giggle

@VanGoghsDog i think i used to be scared of having these conversations for fear of not liking the answer but i've realised i'd rather know where i stand and make a decision than be in limbo. But what i've learned from this thread is what works for some realy doesn't work for others.

i think i used to be scared of having these conversations for fear of not liking the answer but i've realised i'd rather know where i stand and make a decision than be in limbo. But what i've learned from this thread is what works for some realy doesn't work for others.

To be fair to MrWG, I do know where I stand, he's been clear he only wants a casual thing. It's me who is being dishonest by going along with it when I know I have strong feelings and I want more.

He also prefers a dominant woman, so if I want something I only have to tell him (I told him last week that I didn't like it when I don't hear from him between meeting up, and he's started text chats twice this week as a result).

And I now have the other guy from the walking group who I went to a gig with and a curry last week, he's now asked me to something on Friday this week and he's texting me most days. So.....I need to decide what, if anything, I want with him. He's fun, good values, but I don't really fancy him so can't imagine kissing him or anything.

I have 60 matches on Tinder, of which 14 are new. Three or four are actively talking (2 new ones said hi this morning) but the chats mainly fizzle out. I guess I'm too boring for them!

Hello, just wanted to share the video that helped me understand it better and navigate similar experiences - its Jordan Peterson.
(Hopefully link will work)

@SpringlikeBunk Our plans are never firmed up until the day so he's not really cancelling on me for his friends.
I get that its difficult for him to fit everything in as he has his son during the week so meeting up with his friends has to be done on nights he would be available to see me.
I arrange to see my friends when I'm not due to see him.

He always wants to help me with things but generally I refuse, I hate relying on other people for anything.
If I do ask him to help he is really chuffed.

@VanGoghsDog I can't allow myself to be vulnerable by speaking about my emotional needs.
I've had my barriers up and my heart turned to stone as soon as my husband started being an arse to me all those years ago.

I never want to put myself in that situation again so I bury my relationship needs and carry on smiling and getting on with life.

I'm not even that fussed about Mr K, if we split, we split, I can't change that but actually stating my needs to him feels like something I can't do☹

He always wants to help me with things but generally I refuse, I hate relying on other people for anything.
If I do ask him to help he is really chuffed.

Yes, I'm the same. Most men seem to like to help. MrWG actively wants to do things for me so I have to give him jobs to do. This week I'm going to have him sweep the leaves from my drive and pot up my new patio rose. He'll enjoy that! I'll be on a conference call :)

[quote SortingItOut]@VanGoghsDog I can't allow myself to be vulnerable by speaking about my emotional needs.
I've had my barriers up and my heart turned to stone as soon as my husband started being an arse to me all those years ago.

I never want to put myself in that situation again so I bury my relationship needs and carry on smiling and getting on with life.

I'm not even that fussed about Mr K, if we split, we split, I can't change that but actually stating my needs to him feels like something I can't do☹[/quote]
I feel you, I really do. I'm the same.

Hopefully the counseling will help.

But don't excuse his behaviour because of your emotional issues, they are separate. And he also can't hide behind emotional unavailability to justify his poor behaviour. And this letting you down is poor behaviour, especially as you could forsee it - he could too!

@Hehx3

Hello, just wanted to share the video that helped me understand it better and navigate similar experiences - its Jordan Peterson. (Hopefully link will work)

Thanks that was really interesting. I like the idea of micro conflicts and micro changes. I never challenged my ex enough, he'd always talk me down or gaslight me. So I ended up living completely separately from him emotionally and in terms of decision making, where I could. It was awful. I hated that life.

@SortingItOut I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I've come a long way in terms of getting my own needs met but felt incredibly selfish at first. It's quite liberating when you get into it though!
I do feel that, as well as work on yourself to let barriers down if that's what you want, a lot of it hinges on the person that you're with too. Maybe there's a link between you not feeling like a priority with Mr K and not wanting to/being able to open up and state your needs.
With my last iron I really struggled to let him in, found his messages and wanting to see me stifling and he just irritated me in the end. Really he was just interested in me and wanted to be around me but because I knew deep down we weren't right together I couldn't roll with it.
My current iron behaves in a similar way but because the feelings are mutual, I like it and am slowly softening.

@Hehx3 Thanks for the video, I'm at work but will watch it later.

@VanGoghsDog Thanks for all your thoughts, its good to hear from people who think and act the same.

@Heartbeats0708 thanks for your thoughts.
Both of us always said we never wanted a relationship due to being hurt before but we've fallen into this when actually what he probably wanted was exclusive FWB.
Mr K also finds it difficult to express his thoughts and feelings so we just bumble along.

Since I split from my husband I have become incredibly selfish and I like it but in a relationship I still cant change and that's not healthy.
Maybe no relationship is what I need until I can address my issues in counselling.

Hi can I join? Christ it's a minefield isn't it!

Hi everyone.. I've had a name change ( i was DDF2)
So my ghoster guy finally got in contact and I'm not really any happier but at least i can get in my life knowing he's okay

Welcome @Motherofalittledragon and feel free to share we've probably seen it all before 😁

@Sugaspunsista did it bring closure of some sort? I hope so, for you ❤️

@BelladiMamma thank you... it did. It made me realise he's not the person i thought he was and we are not having the relationship i thought we were... it made me sad but nowhere near as sad as thinking id been ghosted

[quote Sugaspunsista]@BelladiMamma thank you... it did. It made me realise he's not the person i thought he was and we are not having the relationship i thought we were... it made me sad but nowhere near as sad as thinking id been ghosted[/quote]
What was his take? Did he think it was a FB thing? Even if it was, that doesn't excuse him just not contacting you I don't think.

@VanGoghsDog he genuinely didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I'm pretty sure he did consider us FWB....i don't really consider us anything now

Thing is with the whole FWB/FB situation it seems quite easy to be on different pages. What exactly is the difference between the two. Is a FWB someone you care about and who you know cares about you but for whatever reason won't/can't commit? Or you can't commit to... I gather a FB is simply sex with no feelings involved. Does seem like skating on thin ice with being able to keep on the same page. I found that often it's very hard (for me) to separate sex and feelings.