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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WIBU to not go on this date...

174 replies

originalsins · 13/09/2021 19:31

NC'd for this.

Been chatting to someone through OLD who seems lovely. No red flags thus far. Going for a drink on Sunday.

They have just disclosed that they are medicated for depression and bi-polar.

For (important) context, my previous relationship was with someone who had significant MH issues, but kept them 'hidden' from me, and would not consider addressing them when they did finally bubble to the surface. No meds, no talking therapies, nothing. I was really very hurt by this person and it has taken me a really long time to heal.

I know this is not AIBU, but WIBU to not go on a date with this new person because of their MH issues, despite the fact they are medicated? I'm not sure I could cope with needing to be a support.

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 13/09/2021 19:34

You are not unreasonable if you don’t want to go on a date with someone for ANY reason.

CrumpetStrumpet · 13/09/2021 19:37

Women are not rehab centres for men.

My ex husband had/has severe MH issues. I have vowed that I will never get into another relationship where MH issues are involved.

You are allowed to refuse a date for ANY reason, no matter how trivial. You don't need anyone's permission but your own.

FanFiction · 13/09/2021 19:41

I’ve just come out of a relationship with someone bipolar and although I am open minded about mental health issues (having grown up with them) it was extremely hard work. In the end, we ended it during one of his slightly high phases. He wasn’t exactly “ill” but making expansive plans, overspending, and being irritable, but with little insight. His sleep and self care were messed up, too. Totally agree - be wary of getting drawn in to help.

Original poster
originalsins · 13/09/2021 19:41

You both make very valid points indeed. Thank you.

Part of my issue is that my previous partner was a master in the art of making me feel guilty (for many things).

OP posts:
Freeloadingtosser · 13/09/2021 19:46

You can cancel the date for any reason at all, and are perfectly entitled to do so. You could just make up an excuse such as you've got back in touch with an ex or something.

thenewduchessofhastings · 13/09/2021 19:47

Don't go there.It's really harsh I know but you've been down that road before;you know what's involved.

I'm in a very LTR with someone with MH issues;it's incredibly hard but it what it is but if I were to find myself single I wouldn't knowingly date someone with severe MH issues.

You have the chance to walk away right now without anyone getting hurt.Do it.

Freeloadingtosser · 13/09/2021 19:50

No reason to be guilty at all. You're not casting aspersions on this guy, but have had bad experiences in the past that you don't wish to be reminded of or risk repeating. I think, go about it in the right way (rather than just cut contact after him telling you now that you've made arrangements) and you're fine. I fully understand that it perhaps doesn't feel like the nicest reason not to give someone a chance, but you're well within your rights to set your own boundaries, whatever they are.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2021 19:51

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Cancel.

user1493494961 · 13/09/2021 19:52

I also think you should cancel.

thedancingbear · 13/09/2021 20:05

As long as you are happy for women with mental health issues to be excluded from having LTRs, then I think this is fine.

Kuachui · 13/09/2021 20:18

I don't think yabu. I personally wouldn't date anyone with mental health stuff as It may not be a problem or it may be but I wouldn't be bothered to find out.

Thelnebriati · 13/09/2021 20:27

YANBU.
No one is obliged to date anyone, so enough of the guilt trip.

SarahBellam · 13/09/2021 20:29

@thedancingbear

As long as you are happy for women with mental health issues to be excluded from having LTRs, then I think this is fine.
No, you have already had a relationship with someone who had significant mental problems, and that experience has taught you that, although many people are happy to be such relationships, that it is not for you.

OP, I once didn’t go on a date with a man because he had the same voice as my much loathed ex boss. You can refuse to go on a date with anyone you don’t want to go on a date with for whatever reason you want, or no reason at all.

FlamesEmbersAshes · 13/09/2021 20:30

YANBU. You can cancel a date for any reason at all. You have that agency.

SeaShoreGalore · 13/09/2021 20:31

Oh god, definitely cancel.

Original poster
originalsins · 13/09/2021 20:32

@thedancingbear

As long as you are happy for women with mental health issues to be excluded from having LTRs, then I think this is fine.
At which point did I mention anything about men or women?
OP posts:
category12 · 13/09/2021 20:36

@thedancingbear

As long as you are happy for women with mental health issues to be excluded from having LTRs, then I think this is fine.
No-one's entitled to a relationship, man or woman.

We're each allowed our own dealbreakers.

category12 · 13/09/2021 20:37

And yes, I'd cancel.

Gingerish · 13/09/2021 21:36

I would cancel. I briefly dated a man I met online who then revealed he was medicated for bipolar. It deteriorated very quickly as it also came to light that he sometimes stopped taking his meds when he felt okay which would lead to his mental health spiralling which was scary. I would steer clear and don't feel guilty.

Herecomesthesun70 · 13/09/2021 21:55

I wouldnt go. My DH was in a relationship with someone with bi polar who sometimes did t medicate and the things he's told me are heart breaking. Ended up in her death sadly.

Looking after yourself is hard enough sometimes without feeling responsible for another adult

PumpkinKlNG · 13/09/2021 21:58

Don’t go there, My ex has mental health issues and it’s been awful, If I knew what I knew now I would never have got involved, he told me he was depressed but he turned out to have schizophrenia and has been sectioned multiple times. Everyone that knows about it asks why on Earth I got into a relationship with him so clearly most people wouldn’t

DukeOfEarlGrey · 13/09/2021 22:01

I think you should cancel too. Partly because you want to and that’s absolutely fine, no justification needed irl or here either. But also because you seem to still be carrying some baggage from your past relationship with someone with MH issues and I think it would make it harder for you to see things clearly and walk away quickly if needed in this new situation. Doesn’t seem worth it OP.

Pinkbonbon · 13/09/2021 22:03

Sure.

In this scenario I just say (even if its not true)
'I'm sorry but I dont want to waste your time. My ex was bipolar and I dont want to date someone going through that again. Appologies'.

beenaroundtheworldagain · 13/09/2021 22:25

I don't know much about bipolar but could you give him a chance if his illness is under control with medication? It was very brave of him to be upfront with you.

I couldn't be with someone who suffers from crippling depression but if someone was taking medication for it and getting on with life then that's a different story.

Some of the comments are a bit like discrimination because everyone's experience of mental illness is different and everyone deserves to be treated as individuals.

PumpkinKlNG · 13/09/2021 22:28

It’s not discrimination to not want to date someone for any reason 🤨