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Original poster

WIBU to not go on this date...

174 replies

originalsins · 13/09/2021 19:31

NC'd for this.

Been chatting to someone through OLD who seems lovely. No red flags thus far. Going for a drink on Sunday.

They have just disclosed that they are medicated for depression and bi-polar.

For (important) context, my previous relationship was with someone who had significant MH issues, but kept them 'hidden' from me, and would not consider addressing them when they did finally bubble to the surface. No meds, no talking therapies, nothing. I was really very hurt by this person and it has taken me a really long time to heal.

I know this is not AIBU, but WIBU to not go on a date with this new person because of their MH issues, despite the fact they are medicated? I'm not sure I could cope with needing to be a support.

OP posts:
Pemmican · 14/09/2021 12:32

@thedancingbear I think you've been reading too much 'The Right to Sex'.

I am free to reject black, Asian, Jewish, disabled, religious men (and women) as sexual partners as openly as I like, and the law won't touch me.

Have a think about why that is, why don't you.

Pemmican · 14/09/2021 12:33

The notion that sucking cocks is an equal opportunities activity is pure rape culture. These lines HAVE to be maintained or the fucking incels have won.

Dozer · 14/09/2021 12:34

Yes, avoid!

Babyiskickingmyribs · 14/09/2021 12:49

I’m on Team ‘cancel and lie about why’. You can reject potential dates for whatever reason you like, and in general no good comes of telling them why. I was was asked out in the street by a man old enough to be my father. He accepted my rejection respectfully enough, but he did say ´can I ask you why’ and I said ´because I don’t want to’ which is a non answer really. Would he have felt better if I’d have been honest? I doubt it. I would have potentially had to put up the conversation continuing because he was offended by my ageism though.

thedancingbear · 14/09/2021 12:55

[quote Pemmican]@thedancingbear I think you've been reading too much 'The Right to Sex'.

I am free to reject black, Asian, Jewish, disabled, religious men (and women) as sexual partners as openly as I like, and the law won't touch me.

Have a think about why that is, why don't you.[/quote]
I've recognised that. I've explicitly stated that no-one should be compelled to date anyone that they don't want to.

And I agree that it is important that the law should not be involved here. I have never stated the contrary, and would oppose any law of this kind.

But I remain of the view that declining to date someone purely based on their suffering from a mental illness is bigoted and discriminatory.

thedancingbear · 14/09/2021 12:57

@Pemmican

The notion that sucking cocks is an equal opportunities activity is pure rape culture. These lines HAVE to be maintained or the fucking incels have won.
Cut the stupid straw man hyperbole, please. People can interact with who they like, and others will form judgements about them based on who they (decline to) interact with.
layladomino · 14/09/2021 13:00

@originalsins Anyone who has had a relationship with someone with significant MH problems will understand exactly where you are coming from. IME, I supported someone for a number of years until it wore down my resilience to the point that I knew I would not knowlingly enter the same situation again. Because it weakened me to the point that I couldn't support someone in that same situation again. It would be bad for me and for them.

I know of course that my OH could develop MH issues, and I would be as supportive as I possibly could be, but that isn't the same as knowingly walking in to a situation that I know I couldn't deal with.

The sensible thing (for your sake and theirs) is to walk away.

candycane222 · 14/09/2021 13:10

I think the problem here is that it's old ie you are in dating/intimate relationship territory before you have even clapped eyes on each other. I think this is always going to be a problem for someone with issues like BP isn't it? That if they are well controlled and together, the best way for a potential partner to know this is to have known them quite a while, have mutual friends, etc.

I have to say I'd feel this about any dating, but I do appreciate the world must btbe peopled etc

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2021 13:36

But I remain of the view that declining to date someonepurelybased on their suffering from a mental illness is bigoted and discriminatory.

You make no sense.

Of course it's discriminatory. And that's OK.

When i did online dating, I didn't date men I chatted to for purely the following reasons...

They were very overweight
They had children younger than mine
They took cocaine recreationally
They were too old
They were too young
They lived.too far away
They weren't intelligent enough
I didn't share their sense of humour
They just told me something about themselves that made me go - er, no...

In each of those cases, I discriminated against them for something that someone else would have been OK with.

I can't see why you think this shouldn't apply to decisions based upon someone's mental health.

Dating is not an area of life where anyone has to #bekind

Pemmican · 14/09/2021 13:41

Cut the stupid straw man hyperbole, please. People can interact with who they like, and others will form judgements about them based on who they (decline to) interact with.

There's nothing stupid about maintaining that intimate, sexual relations cannot and should not be judged by the standards we might apply to other areas of life. It's not a 'stupid straw man' - it's an absolutely fundamental protection. Are you honestly saying you would judge me because I won't have sex with short, ginger men? Are you for real?

Pemmican · 14/09/2021 13:43

But I remain of the view that declining to date someone purely based on their suffering from a mental illness is bigoted and discriminatory.

Your view is just flat wrong.

Enough4me · 14/09/2021 14:12

"But I remain of the view that declining to date someone purely based on their suffering from a mental illness is bigoted and discriminatory."

I remain of the view that OP has every right to decide who to date based on her beliefs, preferences and feelings, not those of single men or society.

If she doesn't like bald men, transmen, men who love dogs, men who are short, that's all fine too. Her life, her choice...or should society impose rules?

Women - learn to accept male feelings come first???

jb7445 · 14/09/2021 14:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

thedancingbear · 14/09/2021 14:30

I remain of the view that OP has every right to decide who to date based on her beliefs, preferences and feelings, not those of single men or society.

I agree with you. And others, who know people with mental health conditions, who can see them as rounded people, with their good and bad points, as people capable and worthy of forming loving relationships, reserve the right to judge those who reject and shun them for no other reason.

If she doesn't like bald men, transmen, men who love dogs, men who are short, that's all fine too. Her life, her choice...or should society impose rules?

Who has mentioned rules? Only you.

Women - learn to accept male feelings come first???

Nothing to do with menz feelz. I know it's a tired MN trope but I'd honestly say the same if the sexes were reversed. If anything, I suspect that men are far worse for rejecting women based on a single perceived flaw than women are. 'I wouldn't date her, she's a nutcase' etc.

We're not going to agree on this one so I'll leave you to it. Though tbf I think we agree as much as we disagree, as I've said over and over that it's anyone's fundamental right to reject a relationship for any reason they choose. I just think that a declared mental health condition and nothing else is a piss weak reason driven by societal stigmas. But there you go.

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2021 14:31

Nothing to do with menz feelz. I know it's a tired MN trope but I'd honestly say the same if the sexes were reversed. If anything, I suspect that men are far worse for rejecting women based on a single perceived flaw than women are

And that is fine too.

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2021 14:35

it's anyone's fundamental right to reject a relationship for any reason they choose. I just think that a declared mental health conditionand nothing elseis a piss weak reason driven by societal stigmas

So... not for any reason then?

And the OP has already said she's based her decision on past experience and not societal stigmas. so not a piss weak reason at all.

waybill · 14/09/2021 14:38

There are ever so many people on this thread who are assuming that this person is a man.

Why?

Incidentally, I was once married to someone with bipolar - on the whole I wouldn't recommend it.

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2021 14:43

I hadn't noticed! Although most people find referring to a single person using plural pronouns to be awkward.

My response would be the same either way though.

Enough4me · 14/09/2021 14:46

I'm settled for years now, but when on OLD was rejected by a date for being "too needy" because I wanted to meet up on the day we said we'd meet or postpone to when we were both free, not "wait and see" if he was free. I explained that I like firm plans and don't like uncertainty. However, that was fine, it was his choice.

When I was on antidepressants after divorce and dating I was honest and, yes, I'm sure that stopped some male interest. Good because they had free choice.

I expect many dates don't go ahead because a person with free will judges the other person negatively for whatever reason. Better to be honest from the start.

GrumpyTerrier · 14/09/2021 15:26

OMG just do what you want to do. You don't owe anyone a date.

Maybe you'll miss out on a really nice guy, maybe you'll dodge a bullet. You can't see the future, you can only make decisions based on the information you currently have.

I've got depression and wouldn't blame someone who didn't want to take that on.

TellySavalashairbrush · 14/09/2021 15:30

I suffer with MH issues and would honestly cancel the date. It is bloody hard work for partners and if you have just left such a situation, I would think you would not be in a rush to start all over again, however nice the person may be.

Mossstitch · 14/09/2021 15:36

Don't do it! Long story short, parent with mental health issues followed by marriage to someone with mental health condition here. Both very manipulative and self absorbed. You deserve some peace and enjoyment, not another relationship that is hard work causes you grief.

jb7445 · 14/09/2021 15:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NoviceNewMN · 14/09/2021 15:50

It’s not discrimination to not want to date someone for any reason

This.

If someone has personal preferences, whether those are normal or tending towards prejudiced/bigoted end of the scale, it makes no sense for them to date someone they long term would not be interested in.

If someone is physically repulsed by back hair say, it makes no sense to say to them they should go on a date with a werewolf otherwise they are being bigoted because they will never be seriously interested and overall it is better that the werewolf is not being strung along by a person who will never want to rip their clothes off.

You wouldn't rationally say to a straight woman that she should go on a date with a lesbian as otherwise she's homophobic because everyone time is being wasted and some people run a risk of being very hurt.

Same is true of whatever personal characteristics are in play whether that is hair colour, race, physical disabilities, mental health, sexuality.

MatildaIThink · 14/09/2021 15:52

There is no compulsion to go on any date with anyone. If you do not want to go then do not go, your potential date has likely disclosed this upfront as for some people it will be an issue, so better to be honest now.

When it comes to mental health it is one thing to face it with a partner who you are in a committed relationship with, but it is something very different to thinking about taking it on from the start and especially if you have children it is something that you have to very carefully consider first.

The only right reason to go on a date is because you want to, if you are already worried about a future with the date then that to me says you would be better off not going, so not to waste your time, or his.