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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WIBU to not go on this date...

174 replies

originalsins · 13/09/2021 19:31

NC'd for this.

Been chatting to someone through OLD who seems lovely. No red flags thus far. Going for a drink on Sunday.

They have just disclosed that they are medicated for depression and bi-polar.

For (important) context, my previous relationship was with someone who had significant MH issues, but kept them 'hidden' from me, and would not consider addressing them when they did finally bubble to the surface. No meds, no talking therapies, nothing. I was really very hurt by this person and it has taken me a really long time to heal.

I know this is not AIBU, but WIBU to not go on a date with this new person because of their MH issues, despite the fact they are medicated? I'm not sure I could cope with needing to be a support.

OP posts:
beenaroundtheworldagain · 13/09/2021 22:38

Of course not! We're all looking for different things when it comes to dating.

However, making judgements about someone's mental health before you've had a chance to get to know them and how they cope with it could be construed as a form of discrimination.

category12 · 13/09/2021 22:43

Nonsense. We're talking about deciding whether to go on a first date.

A person is not obliged to learn about how someone else manages their condition before deciding they don't want to get involved.

Women do not have to give men chances to date them.

GroggyLegs · 13/09/2021 22:48

I think, if I were in your position and with your past experiences, I'd be looking for signs all the time & that wouldn't be fair or healthy for either person.

PumpkinKlNG · 13/09/2021 22:51

I gave my ex a chance, I didn’t realise how serious his mental health condition was until it was too late and I was pregnant when he started accusing me of being sent into his life to have his child 😑 it’s not always going to be obvious straight away how serious someone’s mental illness is so why should she give him that chance? He might be good at hiding it.

KihoBebiluPute · 13/09/2021 22:53

"Discrimination" is illegal when e.g. judging that a woman wouldn't be a good senior executive, that a black person wouldn't be a good receptionist or a gay person couldn't be a good teacher, because those characteristics have no bearing on the abilities being judged.

"Discrimination" just means making choices though, and it is perfectly reasonable to make choices based on factors that are actually relevant to the situation. So it is "discrimination" to restrict your choice of sexual partners to the sex you are physically attracted to, but there's nothing wrong with making that choice. Likewise there is nothing wrong with choosing not to place your future emotional wellbeing into the hands of someone who you don't feel that you can entrust that responsibility to. You do not owe your relationship acceptance to anyone whatsoever.

Oldfestivalgoer · 13/09/2021 22:53

Like others, I have experience of this, and I would not go on the date if I were you.

Notmoresugar · 13/09/2021 23:31

It's not a summons you don't have to go.

You're obviously feeling quite bad about it, so it's best not to go and nip it in the bud straightaway.

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2021 02:03

@thedancingbear

As long as you are happy for women with mental health issues to be excluded from having LTRs, then I think this is fine.
This is utter nonsense. No one owes anyone a relationship and the OP can date or not date whoever she chooses for whatever reason. She doesn't have to be 'happy' or otherwise with anyone else's choices. What a ridiculous comment!
GreyCarpet · 14/09/2021 02:08

@beenaroundtheworldagain

Of course not! We're all looking for different things when it comes to dating.

However, making judgements about someone's mental health before you've had a chance to get to know them and how they cope with it could be construed as a form of discrimination.

If you can't discriminate when it comes to who you share your time, body and life with its a pretty poor show.

Every one of us discriminates all the time - which tea bags we buy, which friend we'll go out with on Saturday night, what we're going to watch on TV. Of course the OP can discriminate when it comes to dating on any basis she chooses! Even if the rest of society would find her reasoning unpalatable, she can still do that.

aurynne · 14/09/2021 04:28

I had a partner with depression once and I swore never to do it again. It almost destroyed me. I don't care whether or not it's fair, choosing who to date is entirely and utterly down to my choice.

Grimsknee · 14/09/2021 05:51

I'd change my mind about dating someone if he told me he loves Nick Cave or Drum n Bass. I hate both of those. To some that is extremely unreasonable, but there are no rules about whom i should date, there's only my preferences and tastes.

gonnabeok · 14/09/2021 05:52

OP, I lived with an ex partner who had MH issues including bi-polar for a very long time. It is good that he has been honest with you and it may be under control. My experience with my ex however was a nightmare.His behaviour during manic episodes was off the scale and I had to end it for mine and my dds mental health. I wouldn't go there again ever. Trust your gut instinct.

PermanentTemporary · 14/09/2021 05:56

I'm afraid having been with my darling DH and through his death, I would not choose to be in another relationship with someone with serious MH problems again either. I loved my dh and life with him was often great, I don't regret being with him. Choosing that path again is another thing though.

Pemmican · 14/09/2021 05:59

Loving the implication that women must apply equal opps legislation to their dating strategy.

I've never shagged a black guy - arrest me!

Magspy · 14/09/2021 06:15

If you've decided not to go, there's no reason to feel guilty or to question yourself; just be clear and polite about cancelling/cutting contact. It may be that this person is aware that MH issues can be a red flag for some people and wants to get it out in the open at the beginning before a relationship starts to develop.

OTOH, if you're not sure whether you want to go ahead or not - you otherwise like this person and can see the possibilities except for this one factor - I'd say your strong reaction is probaby a sign that you should back away from the (potential) relationship. It does seem like a different situation than with your ex who hid and denied the issues and wouldn't get treatment, but even so you may not want to take the risk or to be reminded of your past relationship, and there's no reason why you should. Trust your gut.

blueskytoday06 · 14/09/2021 06:23

This is your deal breaker. You set it for a reason.
If you want to cancel, cancel.

Sakurami · 14/09/2021 06:34

I had a relationship with a man who is bipolar. It was really difficult and I couldn't hack it - it really affected me. I don't blame you op.

devildeepbluesea · 14/09/2021 06:36

@thedancingbear

As long as you are happy for women with mental health issues to be excluded from having LTRs, then I think this is fine.
This is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever read on here.
Footballfam · 14/09/2021 06:42

One of the saddest threads I've read on here. There's no connection between these two men that mean just because one didn't manage his mental health well that this one won't as well. If a previous partner had cheated on you presumably that wouldn't put off dating again.

I have long term health issues that are very well managed and I'd wager that my mental health is actually better than many because I always make it a priority to look after. DH is an alcoholic with 9 years of sobriety. Again he has shit together more than many because he values his health.

Don't give him a chance even over a drink if you want to be narrow minded but do hope noone ever treats you the same in reverse.

LemonViolet · 14/09/2021 06:48

I agree with everyone who has said you don’t have to go on any date for any reason, you won’t owe anyone anything, and you don’t have to apply the Equality Act 2010 to your dating decisions Grin

However please be sensitive about how you tell him and perhaps a white lie here would be kind. As someone with MH disorders being rejected purely for this reason would be a massive blow and I’d rather not know to be honest. The easiest blame-free explanation I used/heard when doing online dating was “sorry I am cancelling the date as things are going well with someone else I met and have made the decision not to see anyone else right now” as it is widely accepted we are all chatting to and planning dates with multiple people online until both parties agree to try being exclusive. And you’d just wish the other person luck and let you know if they become free again!

GeorgeMichaelBluth · 14/09/2021 06:50

I hate when posters guilt trip on here.

I would recommend you cancel because you want to. That is the most important reason of all.

Grimsknee · 14/09/2021 06:57

" If a previous partner had cheated on you presumably that wouldn't put off dating again."

Have you ever been cheated on, or met a woman who's been cheated on? Women who've experienced this are almost always EXTREMELY hesitant to date again.
Dating isn't HR or politics or education. Dating involves making 100% personal decisions about whom to become more vulnerable with. People are completely entitled to be "narrow minded" about it, OP's boundaries and the advice she's being given are no reflection on yourself and your husband.

LemonViolet · 14/09/2021 07:06

Thinking about it, he’s probably disclosed at this point to weed you out, hasn’t he? If you’re happy to be weeded then just take the opportunity, make a polite excuse and leave it, let him find someone else who is more open minded on this issue (I am NOT saying that to guilt you, it is FINE that this is your personal no-go). Obviously, being superficially judged for having a mental health disorder is going to be a sensitive subject for many of us! But he needs to find someone who is ok with this, and you’re clearly not.

category12 · 14/09/2021 07:16

I don't think it's "superficial". A serious lifelong mh issue such as bipolar, like it or not, impacts more than just the sufferer in a long term romantic relationship.

It's perfectly reasonable and OK to say, yeah no, that's not for me, I'd rather not even start down that road.

beenaroundtheworldagain · 14/09/2021 07:27

I'm not trying to guilt trip OP into going on a date. Of course she shouldn't have to do something she doesn't want to do. If she isn't comfortable dating someone with mental illness that's her choice.

This is a discussion thread and we all have opinions which OP has asked for.

The disability discrimination act is used in employment. It can't be applied to dating.

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