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Original poster

WIBU to not go on this date...

174 replies

originalsins · 13/09/2021 19:31

NC'd for this.

Been chatting to someone through OLD who seems lovely. No red flags thus far. Going for a drink on Sunday.

They have just disclosed that they are medicated for depression and bi-polar.

For (important) context, my previous relationship was with someone who had significant MH issues, but kept them 'hidden' from me, and would not consider addressing them when they did finally bubble to the surface. No meds, no talking therapies, nothing. I was really very hurt by this person and it has taken me a really long time to heal.

I know this is not AIBU, but WIBU to not go on a date with this new person because of their MH issues, despite the fact they are medicated? I'm not sure I could cope with needing to be a support.

OP posts:
Original poster
originalsins · 14/09/2021 16:09

Really interesting discussion and replies. Thank you.

In my mind, yes, I am discriminating. I'm doing that based on my own need to protect myself from any more mental harm.

And nowhere in my posts have I mentioned the sex / gender / whatever you want to call it if either party. It's not relevant.

OP posts:
gooddaysun · 14/09/2021 16:16

I think perhaps things are being misconstrued a little. I don't think anyone has said OP owes the man or woman she has been chatting to a date.

If OP decides she doesn't want to go on a date with this person I could understand her reasons.

I think the discrimination comments refer to people making judgements about the person's mental health based on their own experiences rather than knowing how the mental illnesses affect the person OP has posted about.

As an example, I have dated someone with the kind of depression that stopped her from doing things in her life like working and socializing. That was tough and I couldn't do it again.

BUT I would say I have a bout of depression myself at the moment. I can function and I could go out and probably enjoy myself but I feel down. Mental illness is on a spectrum and you can't know how it effects someone until you talk to them about it.

I'm not saying OP should go on the date but if it was me I'd have a phone call and find out a bit more first. If OP doesn't want to do that I would completely understand.

thedancingbear · 14/09/2021 16:26

@gooddaysun

I think perhaps things are being misconstrued a little. I don't think anyone has said OP owes the man or woman she has been chatting to a date.

If OP decides she doesn't want to go on a date with this person I could understand her reasons.

I think the discrimination comments refer to people making judgements about the person's mental health based on their own experiences rather than knowing how the mental illnesses affect the person OP has posted about.

As an example, I have dated someone with the kind of depression that stopped her from doing things in her life like working and socializing. That was tough and I couldn't do it again.

BUT I would say I have a bout of depression myself at the moment. I can function and I could go out and probably enjoy myself but I feel down. Mental illness is on a spectrum and you can't know how it effects someone until you talk to them about it.

I'm not saying OP should go on the date but if it was me I'd have a phone call and find out a bit more first. If OP doesn't want to do that I would completely understand.

This is the most sensible post on the thread.

And again, lots of people are still throwing round straw men. Loads of language like 'forced', 'coerced', 'there's no law against it', 'no-one owes anyone a relationship' etc etc. No-one on this thread has said anything like that.

category12 · 14/09/2021 16:26

But wouldn't that be worse and pretty damn intrusive to call the person and find out how they manage their bipolar and other mh problems?!

And then what, decide it's wanting or they otherwise haven't passed muster? Op isn't a mental health professional to know enough to make an informed decision, and one phone call isn't enough to get a proper picture. So it's just messing with the person when op already knows she doesn't want to get into a relationship with someone who has significant mh issues again.

gooddaysun · 14/09/2021 16:41

I think my post crossed with OP's.

I was just saying what I would do in the situation. If I told someone I was feeling depressed I wouldn't mind if someone asked me questions about it like how it is managed. I wouldn't expect to give a full psychiatric history.

I have pointed out that mental illness can be on a spectrum and you can't just assume that any mental illness is "significant". Who knows really without talking to someone.

Anyway it seems the thread has finished.

Good luck OP and I hope you meet the right one Thanks

category12 · 14/09/2021 16:44

We know it's significant because it's bipolar disorder.

gooddaysun · 14/09/2021 16:50

Do you mean severe mental illness? How do you know it's a severe form of the illness?

category12 · 14/09/2021 16:53

@gooddaysun

Do you mean severe mental illness? How do you know it's a severe form of the illness?
No, we're talking about "significant".
gooddaysun · 14/09/2021 16:58

Never heard of that before. Googled the definition of it and nothing comes up.

category12 · 14/09/2021 17:08

I'm just using the terminology OP used where she has been with a partner with significant MH problems before and doesn't want to repeat the experience.

She doesn't have a duty to find out the severity of his bipolar or how he manages it before deciding it's not for her.

One of my own dealbreakers, is alcoholism, past or present. This is because of my own background and experiences. I wouldn't give a reformed alcoholic a "chance" because if it goes wrong, it's likely to trigger things for me. It has nothing to do with the other person at all really.

I'm not duty bound to take a risk with my own wellbeing. Nor is OP.

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2021 17:11

Likewise. I wouldn't date an alcoholic active, reformed or otherwise. Not even because of personal experience but it's just not something I want in my life.

I wouldn't date someone with bi-polar for my own reasons either. And that's fine.

gooddaysun · 14/09/2021 17:19

Category 12- I think if you read my post again you will find that I haven't actually stated that anyone is duty bound to do anything. In fact I said that I would understand if OP didn't want to have a phone call. It was just what I would do as I have had experience of mental illness. It doesn't mean I think OP or anyone else has to do that.

I wouldn't want to push anyone into doing something they weren't comfortable doing.

Once again things are misconstrued.

category12 · 14/09/2021 17:25

@gooddaysunTrue. Sorry for overstating.

I just find the narrative that some people have that women particularly should give potential dates a "chance" against their own gut feelings and past experiences very disturbing.

Inthesameboatatmo · 14/09/2021 17:26

I would cancel op and maybe tell a little lie as too why you are canceling .
After growing up with a father with severe bipolar and being in a 20 year marriage to someone with various other mental health issues that lead to divorce, I refuse to now be someone's emotional crutch.

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2021 17:30

[quote category12]@gooddaysunTrue. Sorry for overstating.

I just find the narrative that some people have that women particularly should give potential dates a "chance" against their own gut feelings and past experiences very disturbing.[/quote]
Yes.

gannett · 14/09/2021 17:31

OP should feel free to go on dates, or not go on dates, for whatever reason she wants. It doesn't have to be a "good enough" reason, it can be serious or shallow or real or imaginary. Your dating life, your decisions. Of course the flipside to dismissing people is that you might miss out on getting to know a great person, but I assume you know this.

OP should definitely not tell this guy/girl that the reason she's not going to go on the date is their mental illness. That would be incredibly unkind. Just make up a white lie. If someone hasn't harmed you there's no reason not to let them down as gently as possible.

While OP can do as she pleases, the litany of prejudice in this thread about people with mental health issues is frankly disgusting. Half these posts all but advise treating people with bipolar disorder as if they have leprosy.

Original poster
originalsins · 14/09/2021 17:35

@Inthesameboatatmo

I would cancel op and maybe tell a little lie as too why you are canceling . After growing up with a father with severe bipolar and being in a 20 year marriage to someone with various other mental health issues that lead to divorce, I refuse to now be someone's emotional crutch.
Why should I lie?
OP posts:
Boobieboobieboobie · 14/09/2021 17:39

You are nbu for not going for any teason.

gannett · 14/09/2021 17:39

Why should I lie?

Because it would feel like absolute shit to be rejected for a health issue you have no control over, and there might be a risk he spirals because of it. Have some empathy.

category12 · 14/09/2021 17:45

I think you can close it down without giving that as a reason

  • "sorry, I don't think we would be a good match, good luck in your search"
  • "sorry, it's been nice talking with you, but I've decide not to pursue this further, good luck in your search"
that sort of thing.
thedancingbear · 14/09/2021 17:50

While OP can do as she pleases, the litany of prejudice in this thread about people with mental health issues is frankly disgusting. Half these posts all but advise treating people with bipolar disorder as if they have leprosy.

Yep. some of the attitudes shown and language used have been pretty grim. It's the complete lack of recognition that someone could suffer from a mental illness, and still be a human being worth bothering with, that upsets me.

category12 · 14/09/2021 17:55

Of course people with mental illnesses are worth bothering with.

Talk about hyperbole. Hmm

SeaShoreGalore · 14/09/2021 18:03

They are worth bothering with, but lots of people wouldn’t want to date one.

Inthesameboatatmo · 14/09/2021 18:04

@originalsins.

To let them down a little more gently because if you said oh I'm canceling this date because of your mental health problems you will look like the worlds biggest prick quite frankly, and if his bipolar is not managed well at this time it could send him in a spiral, not your responsibility I know but how would you feel if he did something tragic because you lacked the empathy to just let him down gently.

Original poster
originalsins · 14/09/2021 18:24

Why would I look like a prick for cancelling because of their mental health issues?

FWIW, I don't disagree. I'm just interested in why this is not considered an acceptable reason to say I don't want to go out with someone.

OP posts: