WIBU to not go on this date...

[originalsins]

NC'd for this.

Been chatting to someone through OLD who seems lovely. No red flags thus far. Going for a drink on Sunday.

They have just disclosed that they are medicated for depression and bi-polar.

For (important) context, my previous relationship was with someone who had significant MH issues, but kept them 'hidden' from me, and would not consider addressing them when they did finally bubble to the surface. No meds, no talking therapies, nothing. I was really very hurt by this person and it has taken me a really long time to heal.

I know this is not AIBU, but WIBU to not go on a date with this new person because of their MH issues, despite the fact they are medicated? I'm not sure I could cope with needing to be a support.

@Pemmican

Loving the implication that women must apply equal opps legislation to their dating strategy.

I've never shagged a black guy - arrest me!

Fine. But if you didn't shag them because they were black, that's a racist mindset.

Similarly, if you refuse to date people with MH issues, that's 100% a form of discrimination. You can dress it up however you want, and of course no-one should be forced to date anyone. But it is discriminatory. It just is.

You do not owe your life or your body to men. It's really and truly yours. . Anyone that pretends your body is owed to another is subtly building a brick in the wall of rape culture.

It’s superficial as in that is ALL the judgement is being made on. The fact someone has a diagnosis and takes medication. No in-depth analysis has been made of the individual situation, no consideration of the many many interacting factors at play that will influence how this particular person actually would function as a life partner. And that’s fine, we make superficial judgements all the time when making dating decisions. But it is based on only very limited information and therefore is a definitely superficial, cursory judgement. Superficial isn’t meant in a perjorative way in this context.

Definitely cancel. Sounds like you've dodged a bullet there!

@Narutocrazyfox

Definitely cancel. Sounds like you've dodged a bullet there!

See, this is fucking horrible, discriminatory language.

Imagine saying this about someone who was suffering from cancer, or who disclosed that they were from a Jewish background.

But we can say what we like about people with MH, can't we?

And no, i'm not for a moment saying that anyone should be compelled to date anyone for any reason. But let's call out prejudice
for what it is.

Everyone has their flaws and deficiencies, including those which fall within recognised 'isms'. Many people with MH problems manage to live successful lives and be lovely people in spite of them; many who don't, manage to fuck their lives up and be vile.

Rejecting a potential partner purely because they've disclosed a mental illness - you can see who you like, but it is shitty, shitty behaviour.

Totally fine to decline to put yourself in a position you’re not comfortable with. I wouldn’t date someone with children as I have no desire to be a step-parent, if that makes me discriminatory against parents then so be it - I know my limits and it sounds like you do too. This is a healthy boundary for you, no judgement from me!

Rejecting a potential partner purely because they've disclosed a mental illness - you can see who you like, but it is shitty, shitty behaviour.

I don't think it is. Each person knows themself, what triggers they have and what emotional bandwidth & resources they have. Crazy to push those things aside to give a stranger a "chance".

It's not a woman's job to put aside her own needs and wants to give potential partners a go.

Similarly, if you refuse to date people with MH issues, that's 100% a form of discrimination. You can dress it up however you want, and of course no-one should be forced to date anyone. But it is discriminatory. It just is.

It doesn't matter. It's been explained that people discriminate all the time. Every time you choose one thing and not the other you are discriminating.

What if someone decides not to date someone based upon their age? Do you consider that to be ageism?

I'm Bipolar. My life is often chaotic and unpredictable. It does and will add an extra complication to any relationship. Even if mediated. Parts of my family have disowned me due to life getting tipped upside down with mania. You are perfectly within your rights to turn date a date for whatever reason. I wouldn't date me. At this stage you have no duty or obligation to any potential partner. This is about you and your needs.

*turn down

The answer to you thread title is always 'no'. YANU to not go on ANY date no matter what the reason.

The only reason you should ever go on a date is because you want to.

I would use @LemonViolet excuse not to see him. It’s extremely kind and considerate.

Except lemonviolet's excuse means op has to go off the dating app or if he does see her on it, he might think she's available to date again and ask again.

It'd be better just to say "sorry I don't think it would work between us" or something, rather than pretending she's got someone else.

I wouldn’t date a much older man, does that mean I’m discriminating someone because of their age?

Having been with someone with serious mental health issues I will never go there again. It really can ruin your life.

If a previous partner had cheated on you presumably that wouldn't put off dating again.

That isn't equivalent. Equivalent would be having a previous partner who cheated then meeting someone who said his last relationship ended because he cheated. Then you'd think I don't want to risk having a similar experience again.

And as PP have said, it's anyone's right not to go on a date with anyone else for any reason.

You've been in a relationship where MH issues were present so you know the impact they can have on a relationship. There's nothing wrong with looking at potential future pitfalls and deciding that it's too big a risk to take. Anyone who thinks that this level of self preservation is "shitty behaviour" seriously needs to address their own martyrdom complex.

Surely better to stop things now, when it's a case of you're not in a place to be in a relationship where MH problems are present rather than pursue the relationship and discover further along it's having more of an impact than you can deal with.

Stopping things now is less personal than calling things off down the line. As it stands, you're saying it's down to your own reasons that you won't be pursuing the relationship, not in response to anything that the other person has done.

The disability discrimination act asks for changes that allow equality where possible, e.g. a height adjustable desk.

OP cannot make adjustments to ensure her date feels comfortable as this is not reasonable. She cannot have her previous memories wiped from her memory or put her anxiety into a box and ignore it, and nor should she have to.

Supporting disabilities in an occupational environment is completely different to responding to their impact in relationships.

@Footballfam

One of the saddest threads I've read on here. There's no connection between these two men that mean just because one didn't manage his mental health well that this one won't as well. If a previous partner had cheated on you presumably that wouldn't put off dating again.

I have long term health issues that are very well managed and I'd wager that my mental health is actually better than many because I always make it a priority to look after. DH is an alcoholic with 9 years of sobriety. Again he has shit together more than many because he values his health.

Don't give him a chance even over a drink if you want to be narrow minded but do hope noone ever treats you the same in reverse.

Women don’t owe random men “chances”.

Fine. But if you didn't shag them because they were black, that's a racist mindset

Similarly, if you refuse to date people with MH issues, that's 100% a form of discrimination. You can dress it up however you want, and of course no-one should be forced to date anyone. But it is discriminatory. It just is

All dating is discrimination, or are you of the same mind set as incels, in that women should just be grateful for any attention from any man, and not have any preferences or sexuality of our own?

If OP saw a recent photo and he is now bald/tattoo around neck/ear rings, she could get the ick and say no. People would say be honest.

However, her date tells her he has history of mental health which she is concerned about, but a few on here tell her to put him first to in effect lie about her feelings as they are not as important as his feelings.

Definitely cancel.

It is not discrimination, it is not narrow minded. No one should be coerced into ‘giving someone a chance’ to avoid being shamed for their choices. That’s a blink away from rape culture.

My lesson learned from over 4 years of OLD (I'm now taking a prolonged sabbatical) is that I was way too rubbish at meeting and continuing to meet blokes who didn't meet my standards. I gave them a chance. This lead to nothing but regret and harm.

I've now vowed that my early screening criteria must be honed and adhered to.
This includes not meeting people with MH issues.

As mentioned by a previous poster just because someone is medicated doesn't make the rest of their life sorted. My longest relationship with a guy who was medicated for depression and anxiety etc. He was in debt so we couldn't ever go out, his house was a mess and whenever he had a crisis (car needing repair etc) I bailed him out. His time keeping was appalling. Nice guy but no future and I now feel I wasted a year with him.

Bin him off and move forward. Have high standards on who you spend your time is.

"However, her date tells her he has history of mental health which she is concerned about, but a few on here tell her to put him first to in effect lie about her feelings as they are not as important as his feelings."

I agree with this, you would be prioritising not hurting his feelings over your own reservations and this is a slippery slope.

Even if someone is proactive in addressing their mental health needs and engaging with therapies/medicating, there lifestyle will still be impacted. It will be something, part of them, that will always need consideration of some sort. If the OP feels from the outset that they're not in a place to be able to offer that support, however little it may be at times, much better to say so upfront. Those concerned about the potential dates feelings surely can see that the OP would be doing him no favours by powering though with the date regardless?

• their not there 🙄🙄

Not a chance in hell I’d go on a date with someone who had disclosed that. And I certainly wouldn’t reward them with a date because they had “bravely “ disclosed this to you as some other poster suggested, women do not have to do things they are not keen on just to keep some random strangers feelings from being hurt.

It’s fine to have deal breakers, that would be one for me as well as someone who smoked. Just no. You can date who you want without obligation.