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Original poster

WIBU to not go on this date...

174 replies

originalsins · 13/09/2021 19:31

NC'd for this.

Been chatting to someone through OLD who seems lovely. No red flags thus far. Going for a drink on Sunday.

They have just disclosed that they are medicated for depression and bi-polar.

For (important) context, my previous relationship was with someone who had significant MH issues, but kept them 'hidden' from me, and would not consider addressing them when they did finally bubble to the surface. No meds, no talking therapies, nothing. I was really very hurt by this person and it has taken me a really long time to heal.

I know this is not AIBU, but WIBU to not go on a date with this new person because of their MH issues, despite the fact they are medicated? I'm not sure I could cope with needing to be a support.

OP posts:
gannett · 14/09/2021 18:27

@originalsins

Why would I look like a prick for cancelling because of their mental health issues?

FWIW, I don't disagree. I'm just interested in why this is not considered an acceptable reason to say I don't want to go out with someone.

The reasons have been spelled out very clearly. Not sure how else to put it.

To hear that you're being rejected for a health issue you can't help, whether mental or physical, will obviously make someone feel like shit.

If they haven't harmed you, why would you make them feel like shit?

category12 · 14/09/2021 18:28

For the same reason lots of people have told you to give the guy a chance, I expect.

Also, if your mind is made up, giving specific reasons is generally a bad idea, as some people will respond to that by offering to change/ways round it and actually, you don't want a discussion, it's about closing it down.

lemonsandpumpkins · 14/09/2021 18:40

For what it's worth I don't think you would look like a prick for turning the date down for that reason, but looks like it's a bit more divided on that front.

For those who do think it's a unfair to cancel the date following the disclosure of MH history, have you been in a relationship where your partner has a mental health issue of some sort?

Im just wondering whether that's the major influencing factor as to how we're all viewing this situation.

BanditoShipman · 14/09/2021 18:46

[quote Inthesameboatatmo]@originalsins.

To let them down a little more gently because if you said oh I'm canceling this date because of your mental health problems you will look like the worlds biggest prick quite frankly, and if his bipolar is not managed well at this time it could send him in a spiral, not your responsibility I know but how would you feel if he did something tragic because you lacked the empathy to just let him down gently. [/quote]
But you’re making OP responsible for this other person’s mental health, like OP has to ‘manage’ it so the other person doesn’t commit suicide!!

MultiStorey · 14/09/2021 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inthesameboatatmo · 14/09/2021 18:52

@Banditoshipman.
I'm not making the op responsible at all , I wouldn't go out with him either I'm merely saying do it with some tact!!
If you only had one limb would like to be told you weren't datable because of that? No I'm guessing, so being let down gently is surely not a bad thing.

category12 · 14/09/2021 19:00

If you only had one limb would like to be told you weren't datable because of that? No I'm guessing, so being let down gently is surely not a bad thing.

I dunno - it's not as bad as being told they don't like you for your personality, is it? No, it's something you can't help and can't do anything about, but you probably suspect already underneath it all that it affects the size of your dating pool - maybe someone being open about that is better than pretending it's something else?

NoviceNewMN · 14/09/2021 19:06

I wouldn't lie but you could just say I don't think we are a match which covers everything.

Tact is no bad thing. There is no need to hurt someone by being ultra direct and full on truthful if you don't have to.

You wouldn't expect a man who wanted a thinner woman to say in terms I'm not interested in you because you are too fat.
because that would be very hurtful and is unnecessary.

All the person needs to know is you aren't interested.

SeaShoreGalore · 14/09/2021 19:37

how would you feel if he did something tragic because you lacked the empathy to just let him down gently

Confused wtf have I just read?

People don’t top themselves because other people lack empathy! The do it because of reasons inside themselves!

Thelnebriati · 14/09/2021 21:50

I wish people would stop painting OP as some kind of monster who's going to crush her date with her rejection. She's not that much of a sociopath and he's not that fragile.
Disabled people date. Its ok to reject us if you don't think it would work for you. Everyone needs to get over it.

Pegsonstrings · 14/09/2021 22:23

You don’t need a reason to cancel. We are allowed to change our minds.

I once cancelled a date because I much rather go to the gym. Plus my heart wasn’t in it. I was frank with the date and he found it funny thankfully.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 15/09/2021 00:55

We do not owe anyone a pity shag or date whatever their medical issue. I would not date anyone new with such major issues due to past experiences.

But we don't have to have any particular reason to change our minds. I turned down a date with a guy when I found out he was called Gordon. I knew that my friends are daft gits who would all chant 'Gordon is a moron...' Grin

Enough4me · 15/09/2021 01:04

OP, I'd be honest but not cruel..."I've thought about our recent communication and don't feel like we are suited, I appreciate your honesty as it saves us both time".

Making up lies doesn't help him and he'll know you're lying anyhow.

KosherDill · 15/09/2021 01:54

I'd cancel. Life's too short.

me4real · 15/09/2021 02:48

It's your choice OP, but people can do really well with bipolar if they're compliant with meds; it can be quite a different scenario to someone who isn't.

I have bipolar but am quite good with my meds so II do ok and like to think I'm an upbeat person who would make a good partner.

me4real · 15/09/2021 03:06

OP, I wouldn't want to be told someone didn't want to date me due to my disability I can't help having. I know it makes dating harder, but it still would be saddening to have that knowledge reinforced. So I would definitely suggest going with the 'not a good match but you seem a lovely guy' (if he does lol) 'and I wish you all the best' or whatever. And PP's are right in a way that you don't know his state of mind. He knows it'll be more difficult for him to find a partner due to his health problem he can't help having and tries to treat. That could be pretty depressing for him. So best not to rub it in. He's not your responsibility but you might as well be kind. X

me4real · 15/09/2021 03:09

Don't take the anger you feel towards your ex out on this random guy, just because they happen to both have a condition. He isn't your ex and could be quite different. He's taking some responsibility for his health.

me4real · 15/09/2021 03:16

I'm not saying you should go out with him of course. Just that there's no need to say something to a stranger with a disability who's done nothing to you, which would be hurtful (which it would be.) Just because he has bipolar doesn't automatically make him a bad person who is fair game for you to hurt.

KosherDill · 15/09/2021 03:22

@originalsins

NC'd for this.

Been chatting to someone through OLD who seems lovely. No red flags thus far. Going for a drink on Sunday.

They have just disclosed that they are medicated for depression and bi-polar.

For (important) context, my previous relationship was with someone who had significant MH issues, but kept them 'hidden' from me, and would not consider addressing them when they did finally bubble to the surface. No meds, no talking therapies, nothing. I was really very hurt by this person and it has taken me a really long time to heal.

I know this is not AIBU, but WIBU to not go on a date with this new person because of their MH issues, despite the fact they are medicated? I'm not sure I could cope with needing to be a support.

YANBU.

That would be more than I could handle.

NotAntiVax · 15/09/2021 03:25

You WNBU to cancel for any reason.

But as someone with bipolar (medicated and stable), I can say it probably took a lot for him to tell you this.

No one is responsible for anyone else’s mental health and I understand your previous experience has put you off. But I can tell you it’s extremely hurtful to be thought of as “crazy” right off the bat without actual cause. It’s also slightly ignorant on the part of the person passing judgement without knowing the whole story. I’ve been on the receiving end of people assuming things about me. My family who don’t understand still think I’m making it up. I was godmother to my friends baby and babysat frequently (with no issues) until my diagnosis and then his partner decided I was too “mental” to look after their child. I was told at college that I would never pass my course (I did, with flying colours).

I was undiagnosed for a long time and therefore unmedicated. I then got my diagnosis and settled on the right medication. I’m now almost finished an honours degree in social work and I’m pregnant with my first baby. I’ve been stable for about 7 years, I have the odd low day but nothing like I was when I was really ill.

I’m forever shocked at the judgement on MN when it comes to mental illness. Posters perpetuating the ongoing stigma people with mental health issues suffer.

It’s up to you obviously but you could be missing out on a really great person.

CrumpetyTea · 15/09/2021 04:31

You can obviously chose to date or not date this person for whatever reasons or lack of reasons that you want!
One question though- your previous relationship seemed to fail because your partner lied about and failed to try and deal with their mental health problems- not really because of their mental health problems- are you sure that the MH problems in themselves are a problem?

Grimsknee · 15/09/2021 05:55

@BudrosBudrosGalli

We do not owe anyone a pity shag or date whatever their medical issue. I would not date anyone new with such major issues due to past experiences.

But we don't have to have any particular reason to change our minds. I turned down a date with a guy when I found out he was called Gordon. I knew that my friends are daft gits who would all chant 'Gordon is a moron...' Grin

All the Gordons and their wives are reporting you to the Dating Tribunal now.
Whydidimarryhim · 15/09/2021 06:48

Great post Notantivax

bunglesnoopy · 15/09/2021 07:22

@NotAntiVax - Great post! Well done for getting on with things.

I've had a similar experience with people misunderstanding my mental illness.

Grimsknee · 15/09/2021 07:29

There are really good reasons for de-stigmatising mental illness in the public domain. It reduces and potentially penalises discrimination when it comes to education, work, housing, transport, and other public services/activities.
There are really good reasons for individuals not to stigmatise close loved ones with mental health issues, it is more supportive and in the long term will help the loved one. (there are also really good reasons no to indulge destructive behaviours that sometimes accompany mental health issues - including that this helps the loved one - and sometimes this requires separation from the person).

But none of that has anything at all to do with dating/relationships/marriage, which is an entirely private matter where individuals are perfectly entitled to act on any bias (no matter how offensive that bias may be to public standards) that comes up for them..

It's REALLY not relevant to tell OP "you might be missing out on something great, maybe you should overlook your gut feeling!".