I have HFA. I've never managed a long term relationship. Not a healthy one anyway. I had one before I was diagnosed and it was a nightmare for both of us because we didn't know.
However, now I always tell anyone I meet fairly early on. I understand my meltdown triggers, my needs and my limitations far better than I used to but I'm also aware of the limitations that puts on another person, the extra layer of understanding that requires of someone else, the extra layer of 'tolerance', the extra layer of planning and the extra consideration and disruption, the extra communication requirements etc.
No one has ever dumped me for it but I always reject them because they either haven't understood and it's too stressful for me or because my autism becomes the main feature of the relationship and their understanding leads them to question "Is that because of your autism?" everything I express a preference or a dislike for something or just because the communication isn't what I need. And that's before you even consider that men aren't very often attracted to me once they get to know me because I look nice but I'm a "bit odd" and my 'oddness' puts them off before the dating stage.
I dated one man who asked me if I was autistic on the first date because he'd previously dated an autistic woman and recognised me because of it. I had high hopes for that but he made autism too much of a thing. Like he was dating autism and I was just the vehicle for it. On reflection, I think he was trying to be understanding but I couldn't cope with it.
I read about autistic women who date successfully but I haven't managed it. Otherwise, I function well. I mask well. I have friends, a job, children, I'm intelligent and educated but something about my autism makes me virtually undateable - at least in a long term sense.
I keep being told that one day I'll meet someone and it will just work because they'll get me. But now I'm into middle age, I meet men who are less knowledgeable, more set in their ways, less tolerant and it seems less not more likely that i will meet someone.
I think I'm a lovely girlfriend but that is not how I'm experienced by others evidently! It's a shame but I don't have the right to a relationship. No one should be forced to tie themselves up in knots to manage being with me.
It is obviously 'discrimination' but I don't see itnas a negativenthing on their part. I understand that a relationship should be a positive experience and if being with me, or the prospect of it, isn't positive then why would someone choose me over someone less 'difficult'?