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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think maybe this is not normal

681 replies

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 12:45

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 14:46

No nothing of sentiment at his, I did buy some items in his house but I’ll take the loss it’s only material things. He has nothing at mine as I’ve just moved into new accommodation for my 2nd year. Thankfully. However I know he won’t take this lightly. I absolutely agree it would take too long for him to find and train someone new so he will try and try and try to manipulate me into going back. He does like to remind me on a weekly basis he can get a better woman than me if he wants so maybe it’s his time to shine!!

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 12/09/2021 14:50

Too right its not normal !
He sounds like hard work , bit of a bully also , i would get rid and dont look back , he has no right to treat anybody , especially you like this .
Being in a relationship should be loving and calm , a positive experience not a walking on eggshells one like you describe.
Also ignore him if he tells you if will change -HE WON'T .

MargosKaftan · 12/09/2021 14:52

You know, a PA with a degree and a couple of years experience earn around £35k. Lot earn more, and rarely are they expected to do much "personal" work, just admin support for their boss' job, not home life.

You can do better. Being single would be doing better. He probably can't and understands this. He will try to win you back.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/09/2021 14:53

You know this isn’t right, and you also know deep down that this is a form of abuse - he’s controlling you by making you feel worthless if you ‘let him down’. From your examples and from the way you say he talks to you - insults and so on - he could be bipolar or similar. You’re very young and it sounds as though you don’t really have any other relationship to compare this to, and as you say, you’ve just got used to doing things ‘his way’. You need to consider the future because if the relationship continues I would assume that at some point you would be considering moving in together, or even marriage. The fact that you’ve posted on MN means you’ve recognised that something is wrong and I do so hope that you take the advice offered here, because it will be much easier to end the relationship while you don’t live together. It may seem hard to do now, but trust me, it will be worth it. Get away from him, don’t accept any of his excuses - because there will be lots, as well as promises to change. Let him try to change with someone else, because there are much better things for you out there.🌹

Tempusfudgeit · 12/09/2021 14:56

Be very careful. Make sure you have people around you who are aware of the situation. Get your university pastoral/support team involved. Be ready for him to potentially turn very, very nasty. Thank God you're getting out of it and go live your best life.

MargosKaftan · 12/09/2021 14:57

BTW- do not let pride make you put up with him, yes you might get "we told you so" from your parents/family/friends, but that's ok.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/09/2021 14:57

@Poppy298

No nothing of sentiment at his, I did buy some items in his house but I’ll take the loss it’s only material things. He has nothing at mine as I’ve just moved into new accommodation for my 2nd year. Thankfully. However I know he won’t take this lightly. I absolutely agree it would take too long for him to find and train someone new so he will try and try and try to manipulate me into going back. He does like to remind me on a weekly basis he can get a better woman than me if he wants so maybe it’s his time to shine!!
This is why the best thing is to message (not speak) and for you NOT to be in communication with him at all after you message him. If you're firm in your resolve, I'd read his first responses (do not reply!) to gauge whether or not he'll try to show up somewhere then block him But if you worry that you'll weaken block him right away.

If you think he'll try and show up to see you add "any attempts to see or contact me will be considered harassment and will be reported to the police".

Interesting that your family dislike him. Obviously, they've seen how he treats you. I'm sure they'll be overjoyed once you've broken with him and anxious to support you. You may hear 'We told you so' a few times but it'll be worth it to have him gone.

PurpleTrilby · 12/09/2021 14:57

Yeah, he absolutely targetted you when you were 18. Talk to your family, I'm sure they will be relieved and want to help. Dump him as others have described, in terms of 'do not contact me' and then block. I get that it can seem huge, like you're losing the love of your life, but I had to do pretty much this at age 27 and met the love of my life (sat next to me right now) at 30. You'll feel so much relief after the initial shock, I promise. But do get some therapy and support, you probably need to stay single for a good while - which can be great fun, by the way! - before you have a partner again. Though I hesitate to call him a partner, more simply an abusive prick who only ever wanted a slave woman to do his bidding.

Bit off topic, maybe, but I've been a PA/EA for a long time and often found that a particular man in an office would demand I do jobs for him, when I wasn't there to work for him. I'd suddenly become really stupid and not able to do the task, consistently. With a cold hard stare. Only ever had that with one woman, the rest were entitled men.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/09/2021 14:59

@Tempusfudgeit

Be very careful. Make sure you have people around you who are aware of the situation. Get your university pastoral/support team involved. Be ready for him to potentially turn very, very nasty. Thank God you're getting out of it and go live your best life.
Yes, this.

If he doesn't 'go quietly' would there be a way to change your accommodation so he doesn't know where you're living?

Cocomarine · 12/09/2021 14:59

“Time to shine” 🤣 fucking love that!

Good riddance! What an arsehole.

Youdoyoutoday · 12/09/2021 14:59

Please leave him, please respect yourself and believe that you deserve better.

Please then block him on all forms of contact and do let yourself become a booty call!!

ivykaty44 · 12/09/2021 15:00

sounds like his last slave died of over work

best you put him straight on how to do online shopping and uber eats delivery

im sure hell work it out

TomFuckery · 12/09/2021 15:05

Pop down to the nearest tattoo shop and get 'DOORMAT' across your forehead.......

thelionqwueen · 12/09/2021 15:06

If the shoes are sold out, sell his at a higher price and keep the money.

CallmeHendricks · 12/09/2021 15:08

This is awful to read!!
Who the HELL does he think you are?
PLEASE ditch him.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2021 15:10

Send a text that it's over and then block him. Never, ever speak to him again.

MzHz · 12/09/2021 15:15

Well… when you started this post you asked if it was normal and were probably wondering if you were being foolish

Now you know it’s not normal and you are bonkers for putting up with this chore whore nonsense.

So now you KNOW it’s wrong, does that help you do what you need to do and end this

To allow this to carry on one second longer is an affront to your intelligence- you know that

My ex used to tell me how I’d never find anyone who’d put up with me.

Well… he could not have been more wrong - even at the age of 40 odd I found THE most amazing man, kind, funny and loving, sweet generous and to top it all, off the charts successful!

He says he’s the lucky one to have me… I think we’re even.

Go do the right thing, take charge of your life and leave him behind

Only misery comes with that man. Get out before he totally breaks that wonderful kind spirit we can all see shining through your posts

barskits · 12/09/2021 15:16

Christ, what did his last servant die of?

What an objectionable creature he is. You'll be far better off without him cluttering up your day with endless skivvying.

MzHz · 12/09/2021 15:16

@Tempusfudgeit

Be very careful. Make sure you have people around you who are aware of the situation. Get your university pastoral/support team involved. Be ready for him to potentially turn very, very nasty. Thank God you're getting out of it and go live your best life.
This is important- make sure you get help and support from uni etc
Original poster
Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 15:24

So I have sent a text. Probs should have waited until he finished work but at this point I don’t even care. Saying how he treats me is disgusting and he’ll need to find a new slave from now on. Clearly our relationship is based on what he can use me for and I’m just sad I didn’t walk away earlier.

Oh also forgot to mention if I don’t reply to his texts within 10 minutes he rings me and says “clearly busy enjoying yourself” no I just have a life you absolute dick!!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 12/09/2021 15:24

He really doesn't like you. Can't you see that?

Babyghirl · 12/09/2021 15:26

@Poppy298
A better woman 😂😂😂😂 tell him he won't get anyone better that comes for free so he may start advertising for his PA now.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2021 15:26

You sent a text so block him now. Do NOT wait for a reply.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/09/2021 15:28

Well done OP. I expect he will give you the silent treatment if you're lucky.

Original poster
Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 15:28

I have said many a times “you don’t love me at all” To which he laughs snd says you don’t know what love is

OP posts: