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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think maybe this is not normal

681 replies

Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 12:45

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 12/09/2021 13:06

Bloody hell this man is a genius! He's got you running round after him like a servant and then treads you like dirt and has you questioning if YOU at fault? He must think he's totally landed in his feet here. Which he has because you sound lovely.

You need to ditch him ASAP. Honestly you are 23 and not his employee, what is in this for you?

thepeopleversuswork · 12/09/2021 13:07

Jesus... not even close to normal. He's an entitled, abusive arsehole who treats you like an unpaid assistant.

As someone else put it beautifully upthread, thank your lucky stars you aren't cohabiting or married. Whatever you do, make sure you don't get married to or have children with this fine specimen.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 13:07

I hope you are breaking up with him this very second and never see him again.

I can’t believe anyone would think for a moment that this was normal.

MissMaple82 · 12/09/2021 13:07

This is a form of abuse

thelastgoldeneagle · 12/09/2021 13:08

Why does he do for YOU? You're not his maid! Tell him to hire a PA if he needs one. He sounds fucking horrible. You deserve more!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/09/2021 13:09

There's this thing called the Internet. If he investigates this development that has only been around for longer than his entire life - and easily accessible in the UK via a home computer since he was in Primary school - he will find that shops and some that don't even have a physical presence in the High Street provide a way for people to order their own fucking grocery shops, clothes and shoes and, amazingly, they even include delivery of said items.

Luckily for him, the Internet also provides multiple means for being an arsehole to women expressing displeasure with the trials and tribulations of shopping and travel.

Dump him, have a lovely life without this specimen dragging you down and let him find out that the late 20th and early 21st century has already happened.

Graphista · 12/09/2021 13:09

Leave and get a lot of therapy before you start dating again.

This is very unhealthy and far from normal as I'm sure you're now realising from the responses.

Time he got off his arse and ran his own life!

Why are you working part time? Is it to facilitate running around after him?

I hope not

thelastgoldeneagle · 12/09/2021 13:09

I knew he'd be older than you. He saw you and decided to mould you into his perfect skivvy, who would never talk back to him.

You've seen this now - hurrah! Dump him and enjoy not having to run around after him, the ungrateful tool.

Naunet · 12/09/2021 13:10

What the hell are you doing? Why on earth are you running around for such a disrespectful prick like you’re his skivvy? Just stop, tell him flat you’re not his PA, you will not be running around for him anymore when he clearly doesn’t even appreciate it. Ultimately I think you should leave him because he has zero respect for you, and make sure you never behave this way again.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 12/09/2021 13:10

Invoice him for your time as he treats you like his staff.
Then dump him.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/09/2021 13:11

On his holidays or days off work, does he turn around sorting your shopping, errands, chores etc in the exact way and the exact time you want them done?
Didnt think so. Even if he paid you, he isnt entitled to shout at you when things don't go how he wants. He sounds like a toddler. If you ever moved in with him it would get a million times worse. Run while you still can

iklboo · 12/09/2021 13:12

He's a prick, using you. And you're right, he's conditioned you since you got together to believe this is normal. It's not. Does he say you obviously don't love him if you won't dance to his tune or that nobody else will want you as well? He's abusing you. Dump him
& don't look back. You deserve so much better.

Original poster
Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 13:13

Sorry I should have said I work part time because I’m also at uni. But he reckons I do nothing all day and have plenty of time to run round after him

OP posts:
supersop60 · 12/09/2021 13:13

He makes you feel bad.
That's enough to say goodbye.
The world is your oyster - not this controlling, bad-tempered prick.

Original poster
Poppy298 · 12/09/2021 13:14

Yes nobody else will want me because I’m good for nothing apparently haha! I can’t believe all these comments this is just what I needed to hear. Thanks so much guys

OP posts:
BogRollBOGOF · 12/09/2021 13:15

So how much does he pay you to act as his personal shopper?

Leave him to it. He's a drain on your energy and doesn't value you. There are better ways to be out there including being single.

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 13:16

Oh god, you’re only 23. Bin his arse and go live your life, cmon you know being this mans servant and whipping boy isn’t right. Please end it. I’d be horrified if my daughter was degrading herself like this to stay with some loser.

AmelieLovesAutumn · 12/09/2021 13:18

@Poppy298

I must say I’ve been with this guy since I was 18 so maybe being young and naive ive just become conditioned to his way of thinking (I’m now 23)
What was your childhood like?

Are your parents still alive? I presume they're either not or you had a rough upbringing.

This is FAR from acceptable.

You've been with him, what feels like 'forever' at your age. I broke up with someone when I was a couple of years older than you & I felt 'too old' to be starting over & he was my only 'serious' partner, I genuinely felt 'too old'

Only in hindsight I could see how utterly ridiculous that was,.

Learn from other peoples mistakes

Ditch this dickhead
Find your self esteem

Decide how YOU want your future to be?

YOU are worth more than this, so much more & I'm sorry no one in your life is telling you this!!

Best wishes xx

Naunet · 12/09/2021 13:19

@Poppy298

Sorry I should have said I work part time because I’m also at uni. But he reckons I do nothing all day and have plenty of time to run round after him
What the fuck makes him think your free time is his to dictate? Does he think he owes you?

You need to end this, don’t settle for a man who treats you like this, but a tip for going forward - never, ever run around for a man like this. You may think doing nice things for them like this will makes them see how much you love them? It doesn’t, all it does is teach them that you’re not worthy of respect, and to develop an expectation that it’s your job. For example, if you move in with a man and start doing all the cleaning and cooking because you “don’t mind” then he will come to see this as your job, expect you to do it everyday and resent ever having to do it himself. Men respect women much more when women know their own self worth, and in my opinion, you can’t love someone you don’t respect.

334bu · 12/09/2021 13:19

You'll be fine without him. Good luck. Flowers

HollowTalk · 12/09/2021 13:19

You're at uni and you're acting like a slave for this loser? Get rid of him and focus on your studies for a while. Really learn from this experience - were you brought up to be a people-pleaser? What's your relationship like with your parents?

If counselling is available through the uni then take advantage of it so you can talk through this, otherwise you risk ending up with a similar relationship next time.

Naunet · 12/09/2021 13:20

*owns you

GoWalkabout · 12/09/2021 13:21

Yes, he'll make it seem like your fault or that you are crazy but your eyes are open now. If there's anything to be sorted out before you end it, post here for advice x

ShuddaBeenMe · 12/09/2021 13:22

What a horrid spoilt bully.

thepeopleversuswork · 12/09/2021 13:23

@HollowTalk

You're at uni and you're acting like a slave for this loser? Get rid of him and focus on your studies for a while. Really learn from this experience - were you brought up to be a people-pleaser? What's your relationship like with your parents?

If counselling is available through the uni then take advantage of it so you can talk through this, otherwise you risk ending up with a similar relationship next time.

This. I would also be prepared to money on him putting you down because you are a student and sabotaging your studies. Because he feels insecure about the fact that when you have finished your degree your employability and confidence will increase and you will wake up and realise you can do far, far better than this turd.

Agree that you should also seek counselling to try to understand why it is you think you deserve this.

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